Know that I have loved you more than life itself, every day, every night.

Wishing

 I wish Music spoke louder than everything
And Silence too
I wish the Wind blew softer 
And the Sun harder

...

The Eternal Quarantine

 It seems unbelievable that I've been locked up in the house, completely, without ever having gone out, for two years on 3rd March 2022. Even as I wrote this previous sentence I'm still unbelieving how it is. 

When you got nothing

When you got no health
no money
and surely no one's love
or anything worth living
what's wrong with dying?

If it weren't painful though...

You are the sea

 You became the sea to me
The only one in which I want to dive in
And never return to shore

How am I supposed to live without you

 How am I supposed to live without you
When all that comes to mind is you
And your needs and your wishes 
And your happiness and your love
And your joy and your success
And everything means nothing or less?

The unbinding of souls

 I urge you to unbind our souls

Just to see if you can do it 

Or if it is an impossible thing

To separate what seems unlinked

But feels one inside the other

So plunged like the waters

Of the wild ocean and the stormy sea

 You're one of those people that thinks the world of me, that I'm the strongest, most intelligent person that you know, and so on. 

Why do you let go of the responsibility you have when you're dealing with me? Why is it so damn light for you to let me be? Why don't you truly care? Don't you see me? Oh yeah, of course, no one does. Forgot it for a second. Sorry. 

 Before I return to the Ocean, let me feel again your long gone smile beaming my face into the light and please allow me to see the flowers on your balcony that never bloomed.

Had I surrendered to Love and the overwhelming feeling of its truth in my whole self, where would we be? 

(dawn 29/30-11-2017)

Encounter

 The way I imagine our encounter,

After the meeting of our souls,

I always have to stop myself

From imagining 

Because it's so overwhelming

I almost feel like crying. 

 I've become this pathetic being 
with nothing at all
but the waiting for death

Sadness unfolds

 Everything about me is so sad:

Starting from my body

Going till the soul

Passing through the heart

And finishing with my mind. 

 Why does everyone try so much? Just to pretend we're not all going to die and every effort is in vain. 

The man I'm in love with

 I'm in love with an unmade bed of a man, 
that I'm not even sure that he exists
though I know he is out there far away
in this strange world of turns and twists

He's a man that still has got a child inside
As pure as snow and his skin so white

I'm in love with a ragged hair of a man,
his face so naive and his cleft chin
delighted by his plump cherry lips
I bet they're even sexier when he sips 

He's the man that I absolutely adore
But I know he isn't just one for sure

I'm not made to live in this world

 There's nothing that will make me happy for being in this wretched world. 
Its miseries and filthy things, starting and ending in humans, the most disgusting, I just can't deal with all this. 
There's nothing in this world that can make one completely happy all the time, or stop being ever sad or lonely or such time and time around. 
So, unless you're in an incredible journey of detachment from everything in this world, you can't really hope to not ever be affected by it. 

They say one must find true happiness within and be well enough to be with others afterwards. 
What if one can't ever be well enough to be in society as it is, and people as they are?

Yes, I know, since a pre-teen I've known, just like once someone told me: if you don't like to live you can kill yourself. That same person did so more than 20 years from saying that to me.
What do you think of this? 

Maybe I can't live without you

 Realizing that the reason you want to die is precisely the people who put you in this world is the worst thing really. 
So deep in crap, I no longer know. Today has been awful, more even.

The fact that you so far away exist still makes me somewhat glad I guess. I don't think I can live without knowing everyday that you're still alive in this world. I don't know if it's because I've identified myself with you, as if we had the same pain and emptiness, and that crazy idea that us closer with make us more complete just by that. I know you're still the one I love more than anything. How crazy this all has been? Yeah, I know, pretty crazy. 

Let's wait till I'm rational again and everything "diminishes" LOL

 How have I've been?

Sick, tired, sleepless, wanting to die. That's how I've been and that's why I don't answer to that question to anyone. 

Everybody Dies

 What would people do
If the exact date of dying they knew?

'cause everybody dies
so when will I?

I hope you will be fine
after I'm gone

I know it won't be long
I just wanted to hear your song
Hear your heartbeat close to mine
Feel the warmth of you when I must say goodbye

Everybody dies
Yes, they are all gone
Almost everyone
And still that old song
I can hear it play sometimes
Once in a while
I even hear it twice
But you're never there
You're so far away
So close to me inside
Always on my mind

What shall we do now
That everything is lost? 

You're in everything I do

 Everything I do has a bit of you,
or even a lot, or even more than that,
in every word I write, every poem,
in every song I make, every melody,
even in every drawing or cooking,
all tastes of you.

Trauma

 The shock hits first
Like a ultrasound wave
It penetrates the whole body
At once
Like needles start prickling 
And then the stomach ache
The cold rigor mortis feel
On the ends of your body
And then the shakes

In your head
It's in your head
Trauma comes back
Another one
And another one
And another one

If you don't put a stop to it
It will take you down
To the panic room
...

One should rest more.

 If someone stops loving another because he can't count on the other, was that ever loving the other for who they are? 

Still the Broken Heart...

Does a broken heart can ever be whole? 

"I aim to please"

 I could write a whole satirical book on this subject...

The list of what's bothering

 If you do a list of what's bothering you and see what you can actually solve and what you cannot, try to move forward after that, is it going to work to get you through the days?

The ultimate freedom

 When you got nothing to live for, you can already die.

 No, I don't want to die without feeling your chest's warmth on my face and hear the beat of your heart. 

Collective Insanity

 Do you know who you are?
Did you know before the pandemics start?
Did you see all the tragedy in-between?
Have you grown?

I don't know. 
I never knew anything.
I knew this could happen,
but not everything that happened to me. 

Unexpectedly I became part of the collective insanity. 

 One of the good things that I've realized early in life was that it doesn't really matter what people think of me, because no one really knows me.

 The fact that no one really cares is always a two-sides coin.

 Can we just put all so-called gurus and "self-help" writers in that same bottle and throw it into the sea?

Guess what, no, I don't miss you.

 You've hurt me and I just kept going as nothing, strong as f*ck as always, I've even been polite and compassionate, thought of your pain, because that's the way I am and now more than ever, I rise above. 

But no, I don't miss you. I can't miss you. I may have lost the ability to do it. 

So, you saying that you miss me, only makes me wonder which part do you miss? The long time on the phone, me saying stuff that you never seemed to care much about, but insisted on hearing everyday?

Or is it my proximity, physically? 

You know what? You don't miss me either. You're just fed up with whom you got beside you or maybe that's just that, like everyone else, you just miss people when you don't have them anymore, because you never value them enough when they're right there. 

Sweet Swing

Everyday I miss you,
I even imagined we were swinging
listening to some old song on the radio
going two steps right, two steps left, 
slowly in a nice imperfect swing,
I'd probably be on your feet.

Yes, listening to songs together,
how nice that would be,
instead of you there and me here.

Everyday I miss you,
me here alone, you there on your own,
not that we don't enjoy our solitude,
but closer as we are always together anyway
would be such a nice sweet swing.

The List of Attributes

 I forgot to tell her I thought of the list of characteristics as she asked me to. 

I thought that it had to be someone who is honest, courageous, sincere, truthful, loyal, strong, emotionally evolved and in emotional intelligence. Has to be someone with whom I can have a deep connection, recognition, identification, belonging and intimacy, way beyond chemistry and sex, someone who is interested in many things like music and movies and theatre and all art, not as an evasion but to truly appreciate it. Someone who is conscious and is practicing awareness more and more everyday with his own things. Someone who is truly there, present, always together as a real partner with whom I can count and rely on, as I would make an effort to be as well; be always together and never apart, for the first time. 

Other attributes of course like intelligence, independence, ethics and honor, and being balanced, not being obsessive compulsive with nothing but the liking of my person hehe would be appreciated.

I know it's like 1% chance for me to stay alive and actually find someone decent (in the coming time of ongoing pandemics), but as I was supposed to do this list for homework I'm doing it in this life anyhow. :-) 

To love and be loved. I thought I had it before, but I didn't quite did as I really wanted and needed, I just kept giving excuses for it all.

 Do you think we'll ever be better? Is there hope for our minds and all the traumas and things we've caught from everyone?

I really don't know.

 We'll be better than them, you'll see.
We're too much, too wild, too pure, too raw.
We'll be a blast and the silence after it. 

Death

 Please death, when you finally come, please be swift in taking me, I promise this time I won't fight, I won't hope, as I've got nothing that will give me any hope no more. 

The truth is...

 It's just a matter of time till I catch the virus and die

 Living without you is the hardest thing to do, even when harsh aches disturb my body, there's no comparison to the lack of you.

 Maybe my heart is eternally broken. Who knows?

Slow down, rest, stop.

 Slow down 
Breathe
You're not the town's clown

Rest 
Forget the test
Let someone else do it instead

Stop 
Make it through
Silence is all that will do.

 Mind you, don't believe that people are your friends and they will be there for you only because they told you that. People always change and no one stays backing you, especially when they don't need you anymore. It's always been like this. So it's kind of dumb to have believed otherwise. 

 You are what you see, you see what you are.

 Your whole life, 24/7, is here, among the books, the analog pictures, the good memories you live by, from before all good friends said goodbye in life and death. (2020)

 Everything I tried to do, all I've created, was to try to survive all the violence, the chronic void and unbearable pain that I've had always had to live with and that never leaves when awful things were done to you. (2020)

  I can never put a price on my art, because how can I price a piece of my soul?

 It's hard to get used to the fact that life is so insignificant and petty and small.

 One of the most wrecking things to our interior is when we're obliged to be utterly strong, to do what we haven't got any alternative to escape from. We rise to what we must and then afterwards we're left with nothing but a brittle case of a body and soul.

 20/04/20, 03:55

Enviaste

- Two decades of autoimmunity illnesses preventing contacts and dreams, forbidding life's best treats, stuck in the worst well of ostracism, isolation and confinement, but stubbornly and at the cost of frequent monthly infections I tried, as the Portuguese saying goes "punching the knife's point", to carry on despite the lack of choice. Now, I see people unable to bury their family members, also many of which didn't want to be cremated; most of people having to be . .

Digging and delayering myself, I've found and admitted that I need someone who is innately evolved and heart opened that I can count on and that wants and can take care of me.  After the arduous labour of deconditioning, self-knowledge and ego suppression, maintaining the awakeness and awareness and the permanent process and observing closely when it's so automated it reaches a state of transcendence. And nothing else can really happen to you without you defusing it instantaneously. I guess this is, unknowingly, the main and essential goal of someone who starts to do the necessary change to be a better human.

19/06/2020

I remembered you

 A bird came singing
and I remembered you
The words to each song
they say that you're in love
if the person comes to the mind
all the time when you hear them

A bird stopped singing
I remembered you still
The melodies to each song 
I closed my eyes and imagined
we were dancing holding each other
in a slow swing my feet on yours.

 Remember that when you're lost, it's not that good to search solace with other lost people.
We're all lost, so eventually it's not going to go well, isn't it?

 And I fucking miss you goddammit!

Note to Self!!

 Never again let yourself go with the flow, letting hundreds of people follow you out of nothing, help them all, destroy your own health to help others and all that because you just wanted to help and thought you could keep on giving what everyone needed. 

Just remember who you are and your limits. You're not meant to save everyone, and even if you were, you can't do it anymore, you must stop and return to your isolation. In the end it is who you will always be: a solitude being without anyone who can truly love you and be with you. Because you're ruined for life. Just keep on waiting for death, in quietness. DON'T FORGET TO NOT FALL AGAIN FOR HUMANITY. They're not even deserveful, they're mainly egotistical and consummering. You should learn the lesson once and for all and not forget it again, goddammit!

And also pardon yourself for all that, because you weren't fully aware of what was happening and proportions that it took. And also make peace with the fact that no one loves you for who you truly are also because you're never really anything yourself, you're just what people need you to be in the moment. 

The Love that you got is the Love that you give

 No, that's not true. Just another prêt-a-porter sentence to justify and propagate the guru and coach fashions. 
Question everything, people.
The love that you got inside you is only felt by you and if you feel it for someone and let them know and act on it, by caring and showing it, it's never meaning that you'll get it back in return in terms of someone loving and caring for you. 
So I really don't understand how can people still say that phrase all the time and actually also believe it.  

The only choices I make

 Each time I push someone hard, making them face and put up with what they need to become stronger and develop, to give the necessary leap, I always end with a sense of guilt afterwards. But eventually, as the person does make the leap and the things unfold as they should, I get happy for them, though they become a tad insensitive and more hard. And of course, for me it's always really not good all the process and doing this whole bad (like the worst) guy part.

I have to remind myself from now on to not do it anymore. Even if the person really needs it and is someone that I care for extremely. I must not do anything anymore, because it's a real messed up process and I always end up very badly too. I haven't got no sufficient health anymore for this.

you got what you deserve?? it's all bullcrap, that's what it is; just wake people!

 they say you got what you think you deserve. maybe that's got some truth...
but it's all still just a big injustice when some are loved and praised and others who deserve it aren't given the same care. 
so yeah, it's always the same shit. 
people make injustices everyday.
and no one gives a fuck about no one, not really, just to fulfill their needs and vanity.

I've been tired of this polluted humanity since I was a kid. Observing all this has been quite a torment. Trying to change it somehow, if only a bit, has been extremely tiresome. All the violence it strips me from my most humane feelings and leaves me so exhausted and ran over.

 Too many times I wished I was on a private island...

Nothing makes sense, how everything makes the same sense

 The same relation with history, music and football and ancestry and complex craziness and allure for others in them all. Will never understand how. Without me knowing at first. 

 When you got no one who loves you, your heart begins to shrivel and die. 

Dedicated to You - John Coltrane

 If I should write a book for you

That brought me fame and fortune too,
That book would be,
Like my heart and me,
Dedicated to you.

And if I should paint a picture too
That showed the loveliness of you,
My art would be,
Like my heart and me,
Dedicated to you.

To you,
Because your love is the beacon that lights up my way.
To you,
Because with you I know a lifetime could be just one heavenly day.

If I should find a twinkling star,
One half as wondrous as you are,
That star would be
Like my heart and me,
Dedicated to you.

To you,
Because your love is the beacon that lights up my way.
To you,
Because with you I know a lifetime could be just one heavenly day.

If I should find a twinkling star,
One half as wondrous as you are,
That star would be
Like my heart and me,
Dedicated to you.

 See the cigar that you smoked
and the toilet paper that you discarded?
They were both used by you and discarded,
but only one made you badly. 

Sometimes it gets really hard to have compassion for humans, like in "forgive them, lord, for they do not know what they're doing" :||

 It's really a horror to think of the atrocities that men commit just in order to fulfil they lust. They take advantage of single-moms, force themselves into women, etc., anyway, don't even want to think about it anymore. It's just a horror. And a sadness. A profound sadness. 

Just another irony of life

 The fact that nobody loves me as I am is precisely what gives me freedom to die.

Why was I born - sung by Frank Sinatra

 Why was I born? Why am I livin'?

What do I get? What am I givin'?
Why do I want a thing I daren't hope for?
What can I hope for? I wish I knew

Why do I try to draw you near me?
Why do I do I cry? You never hear me
I'm a poor fool, but what can I do?
Why was I born to love you?

I'm a poor fool, but what can I do?
Why was I born to love you?

Emptiness

 Sometimes emptiness fills me
like a balloon inflated on my chest
but it doesn't make my body float
on the other hand it weighs heavily
makes me hunch of anguish 

Nothing can make it go away now
I just have to wait until I notice it's gone
but as always it won't be entirely missing
it will just lurk behind my lungs
resting a little just to come back again
and take all the air I ever had.

Pitiful is the word

 I got myself thinking again about how mediocre people are when they think they're better than others and can exclude them without even questioning themselves if they ever wanted or needed to be included at first.  Just to suppose that if people wanted they wouldn't be is self explanatory fo the pitiful minds. Very kindergarden level and KKK. Even talking about it is such a primary dumb thing, one doesn't even know where to begin with.

 Then, I remembered that old saying of "depression" is for white rich people that don't have to worry if they're going to have food to eat and give their children tomorrow. And people that have no choice, because their lack of conditions doesn't allow them to care about even serious illnesses, let alone other issues less worrisome. 

I still hope it has all just been a psychological evaluation paperwork. Lol 

I still praise and glorify my lonely wolves pack R and C, so fucking rock! <3

 I don't want to seek anything
I just want to go back to before
when I finally got some peace of mind
in terms of not questioning everything
all the time in this vain and pointless turmoil

I want to be abducted
into space far away

maybe just go deep into the ocean
and rest.

Sweet Jane - The Cowboy Junkies / Velvet Underground

 Anyone who's ever had a heart

Wouldn't turn around and break it
And anyone who's ever played a part
Wouldn't turn around and hate it
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane

You're waiting for Jimmy down in the alley
Waiting there for him to come back home
Waiting down on the corner
And thinking of ways to get back home
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane

Anyone who's ever had a dream
Anyone who's ever played a part
Anyone who's ever been lonely
And anyone who's ever split apart
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane

Heavenly widened roses
Seem to whisper to me when you smile
Heavenly widened roses
Seem to whisper to me when you smile

Sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane

All I wanted now

 "Don't Talk (Put Your Head On My Shoulder)" - The Beach Boys

I can hear so much in your sighs
And I can see so much in your eyes
There are words we both could say
But don't talk, put your head on my shoulder

Come close, close your eyes and be still
Don't talk, take my hand and let me hear your heart beat
Being here with you feels so right
We could live forever tonight
Lets not think about tomorrow
And don't talk put your head on my shoulder

Come close, close your eyes and be still
Don't talk, take my hand and listen to my heart beat
Listen, listen, listen.

Don't talk, put your head on my shoulder
Don't talk, close your eyes and be still
Don't talk, put your head on my shoulder
Don't talk, close your eyes and be still
Don't talk, put your head on my shoulder

 It's moments like these that I needed you, to be able to talk and count with you, especially because you've been through something alike with your friends' baby. But I can't even speak with you. I miss you so much right now, because you were the only one that could make it better by just being there for me. Everything went to hell really. ;(

 I'm giving up now.

Remember: you were everyone's lucky charm

 Remember how you'd go inside an empty store and immediately people would come in?
Remember how everyone talked to you on the street to know things?
Remember how everyone asked you for everything and advice?
Remember how everyone since a child to bigger people would be luckier since they've met you?
All the energy you focused in all the people made them luckier, it has always been like this since you were a kid. So yeah, just forgive yourself for what happened of one time in life with only that one person, already, and try to move on. Please, do it, because it's corroding your inside still. 

(sometimes I wish I could scream really high because it gets unbearable, and I feel like I'm dying even faster, for being despised by him still)

How could you give so much of yourself to others if you were empty?

 How could you give so much when you didn't have anything?
I guess you were just giving what you saw in each and everyone of them. 
And still, from the emptiness, the ashes, you did rise and gather some strength to give joy and love to others. What a beautiful creature you turned out to be. Not the crow at all, but again a pretty phoenix. 

You had lost everything, the ones you loved so much and were accustomed to for so many years everyday in contact, but then you reinvented yourself as once before. Oh girl, you really fought your way out, grabbed to anything you could, and so much that meanwhile you found out!

I'm glad you pulled yourself together somehow. It's really hard to carry on most of the times and you made it through once more. Probably just to fall down the hill again in a while, but I can tell you're actually becoming a pro climber as you recover faster each time you fall. 

That ability of being the observer, even when you're completely numb, still being able to see the spark in others and not being able to be without making something for someone who is downtrodden too, that was what made you rise to the situations this time. 
It was Love, in the end it was Love, for others, that saved you too. 

Are we part of the answer or are we part of who's doing wrong?

 Artists... guess what? All egotistical fakes and phoneys.  Believe you me, it takes one to know.

It has come to me the fact that artists build their worlds around themselves and make so many youngsters try to mimic them, everyone wants to be famous and a star. All the frustration and lost dreams, all the expectations and heartbreak...

"you're just a clown" wanting to "wear a bigger crown".

Not to talk about all the impact on the environment itself, all the travels by so many means, the crowds and the consumption, the venues, the festivals, not to talk about all that comes with the pack of evasion...

It really broke something in me to get to know all this. I guess that whole idea of artists being the benefactors of mankind went down the hole. 

Our broken hearts

 Remember how we've both got broken hearts and memories?
I used to make everyone laugh and you too, but what's inside of us no one could guess. 
We've pushed through so hard, some days it was easier, we seemed so pumped up by ourselves and everyone around us...

Probably you don't see it this way. You only see the bad aspects that you said. How could you reduce it all to that, I still can't tell. 

I've realized so much in between, so much of myself, so much of you too that I did not know and maybe I thought I did. Still don't know anything. I guess I never will.

You were always a fighter and your constant complaining gets you all the support and care from everyone. I should have known that before, I shouldn't have believed when your friends told me you needed me. Or even you, for that matter. I should have known I'd be discarded too, no matter what, from the beginning; I mean, you do look like one of those old bullies back from high school... And you even have the same name as someone from back then. Someone that I used to love too, but not in a physical way. 

History repeats too often. It gets too tiresome. They all say the heart is an elastic muscle but though it gets to survive and include new people, the elastic gets loose too.

Humans have short memories, soon enough they forget everything and return to their hamster wheel. No one ever changes deeply, to a contrary state of who they were, and become more conscious and more responsible.

 You're never alone, I'm always with you

And you're always on my mind,
sometimes it get too much lololl

But it's all we've got :)

 What if you love me too?
Then why won't you show it to me?

I've changed again

 My love is gone
My heart is broken
I've realized the illusion
I've let deception break it
Your attitudes made it
Just like in every other case
The story repeats
A great lesson remains
And I feel more ready now.

 Can one die of unrequited love? 

Together but apart

Though we're always together
We're always apart
And I miss you like crazy sometimes
But there's nothing I can do.

My life means nothing without you
Because you're the missing part
The breath of joy and love and the flame
That makes it all worth it.

It hurts being like this so far
My chest aches for not having yours
My words are meaningless 
For so much that I feel for you.

I wish you felt it too,
not the aching part though
but I guess it comes in the pack
with all this immeasurable  loving.

 Reach out to your darkness, try to see its origin and nurture it like it's what she has never had to begin with and therefore she is, all of these feelings and sensations: ache, sorrow, decadence, jealousy, envy, greed, gluttony, lust, luxury, loneliness, vice, wrath, sloth, pride, vengeance, angriness, shame, guilt, fear, grief, despair, depression, doubt, frustration, evilness, loss, hate, deception, fatigue, heartbrokenness, complaints, discouragement, alienation, fury, offense, rage, powerlessness, numbness, overwhelmingness, rejection, negation, stressfulness, aggressiveness, repugnancy, preoccupation, lifelessness, uselessness, weariness, worthlessness, disappointment, bitterness, wrongness, cowardice, anguish... and so on.

(written some months ago on Instagram with my picture of hand and its shadow almost touching)

 Why did we love each other in silence, are we mute or deaf? 

The loving feeling

 It comes in sweet caresses
that loving feeling
and tenderness and warmth
I miss it again like it was never there
the beautiful belonging in the hug
the completeness of the proximity
something that's enough
something that's everything
something that's the only truth.

 I'm the dying, condemned one; with no future or present or past, just woes and aches that accumulate till the final rest. 

Did I live or saw too much?

 I think I lived too much also through watching and observing others, and just absorbing everything. 

All the outcomes, all the endings and beginnings, all the in-betweens.

Everything seen and done, like all the thousands of movies that I watched before.

So don't worry, you'll be fine. Whatever you do. You''ll be just fine baby girl. Just enjoy your life for the while and don't worry about it too much, unless for what you need to become each day: better than you were the day before, more conscious, more resolved, no more going out there breaking people's hearts for fun you little teaser Th. ;)

May as Well - Angel Olsen

 It may as well have been forgotten

Or did it simply slip your mind?
Is that my heart that's splitting open?
I guess it just fell to the side

I've tried my best to keep you smiling love
Maybe it's been all in vain
But I would try a million times my dear
Tell me would you do the same?
One could say it's complicated love
Like nothing they've seen before
Or simply that it is a thought we share
Forever it must be ignored

If you really love me there's no way to tell
I'm always arriving when you say farewell
In all of my dreams we are husband and wife
I'll never forget you all of my life

I'll never forget you all of my life
I'll never forget you all of my life

Are you even aware of how much I miss you?

In your arms

 In those arms of yours there's the fine matter
from which is carved comfort
that thin mist of caress
that warms in the middle of loneliness

In these arms of mine I have peace
where you can rest from the tiredness
that lasso that weighs in your body and soul
when you can't go slow.

 I wonder if our therapists tell us the same...

And we go out there and do it all again...

How do you forgive yourself for being an idiotic fool?

You go to the root of the happening.
You think of what factors may have led to its realization. 
You acknowledge that none of them were in your control, even if they could have been in other circumstances.
And you realize you don't have anything to forgive yourself about, because you have done nothing willingly. 

Note: Make sure you bring to consciousness that it wasn't really your will for anything to happen or to do anything as it went. 

To Love is simple (?)

  

When you love someone, you just do,
give your feeling to the person
make sure she feels it everyday
care for her and make sure she is okay

When you love someone, it's simple,
but maybe that person won't let us know
that we're loved and cared for 
or maybe as she doesn't want your love
it might become intrusive for her

Or even if one gets too much attached
or needy, or even just possessive,
then everything goes sour
and Love isn't simple no more...

 And you can't even care about me ...

That's All I Ask - Jeff Buckley

 Don't try to blow out the sun for me, baby

I'm not hopin' for what I know can't be

All that I ask is for your smile each day

Nothing in this world would be too good for you

I'll give you love that will never go away

Yes, I will

Yes, I will

Because, girl, I wouldn't ask you to lift up this great big world, little baby
I know you're not that kind of a girl
Never mind now with your heart, how much is old?
Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody,
Nobody, nobody, knows

How deep my love for you really goes
Yes, girl, I want you to know

I wouldn't ask you to hold back the dawn light of dawn
Baby, that's just a little too much to ask of anyone

Each day you are the only one and everything that matters to me

 Yes, every day you sleep in my dream
and you wake up in my smile
And I love you not for the moment
not even just for a while
I'm in love with you for the ride
Ten thousand mile of an infinite path
Each day we're in each other's mind

You're the only thing that makes sense
you're everything to me
you're the star and I'm the moon
you're the sea and I'm the mermaid

I only feel what comes from you
otherwise I don't feel nothing at all
because you're the only thing that exists.

Everyone says the sun and the moon can't be together....

But aren't they in the same sky? 

Garden of Trust

 Flowers and animals everywhere
jumping around happy as can be
I have not seen any bees though
but I'm sure they're somewhere 

Trees and greenery all over
remembering the green in your eyes
thankfully no snakes around
but I'm sure they're lurking

Creeks and puddles now and then
splashing the vegetation and beings
looking up to the sky it's clear
but I'm sure clouds will amount. 

 Now that time is running out
I'm sure I did everything for everyone I could
and said everything I should have
and I hope you too know even what I failed to say
exactly as in your way.

Don't forget: I've always loved you forever.

 Can you believe that I miss telling you that I love you?
(me, who used to not say that so easily and frequently to anyone...)

heheh

Goddamn it I love you so much, my dear everyday beloved

Belonging

 How can I feel that I belong entirely to someone who apparently doesn't exist?

Is the need to belong so deeply rooted and strong in me that I've fallen in this illusion construct? 

 One can't burn forever,
I'm burning out...


(adrenals burning)

Deep and Wide

 Do you know how much I love you
my little darling
my beloved one?

It is as deep as the cut of the samurai's seppuku 
and as wide as the expansion of the universe.

Lullaby of autumn leaves

The crushing of the dried autumn leaves,
beneath my feet, were my only happy sound
my heart buckled in a tight sorrow
trees lose all their leaves every year
and I didn't get anyone to call my own. 

Feb. 2021

 When you face your own death too many times a day, does it ever become easier and uneventful in terms of thought? 

Pressure

How do you think you'd be if I didn't do all that precisely when you were going through the other parting? 

There's that saying "if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen", but isn't it by being in the kitchen that one can improve its ability to stand the heat? 

Let's see now how you've improved so much in all that and you became so much stronger. I already saw it and got proud of you. I think you're going just fine. Probably much better than me despite my adrenal fatigue problem. 

Godspeed, you little god boy of mine. 

Never better

 When your mind is sane 
everything else is on the game
functioning like an on-time train

For the first time my conscious
and everything in-between
is now unraveled as much as never
and I can now make a choice

I choose not to choose
this time with more certainty 
of consciousness and choice itself
and not just by fear or a mere whim  

I choose that I want to embrace all
whatever is to come
and I'll deal and take it as it comes
because before I couldn't choose 
just for the fact that I thought I couldn't

This time I choose something good
something really really good
but not exactly anything 
that I can point out specifically 
So I'll just leave to what's to come.

Lost and Confused

What to do when we're lost and confused?
Search for answers?
Stray away from questioning?

I got my two feet on the ground
but they're not lightly there
though sometimes they float

I wish you would tell me that you never loved me
that I was never you love confusion
just to see if my love for you would cease 
if it's possible to have an end
I really just don't understand
nothing really makes sense to me
though the feeling is so strong sometimes
that it overwhelms me to the point I'm no longer me
I'm just someone who is you and you are me
mirror to mirror
nothing more to understand or question
it just is

So please tell just that
if you can ever tell the truth to me
in some way...
Would you do that?

Tides or not...

 Here it is again
the water that came into my eyes
because I choked while drinking it
but before I was listening
to the song that means so much
and after of course I cried again
for this love that doesn't end
the realization that it's here rooted
deep inside this hurt of lost
of missing you
of needing to live in your hug.

Even before when I taking a shower
I was already struggling
thinking why can't I just stop talking 
to you mentally
why can't I just be like yesterday
all joyous almost normal
even thought I was too resolved
and too focused now.

What a lie. Soon enough I see
everything again 
all the feeling deeply lodged 
surfacing around all over
out of the blue
just leaving me without a clue.

(and  writing listening to here she is again - leah free)

Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones

 Childhood living

Is easy to do
The things you wanted
I bought them for you

Graceless lady
You know who I am
You know I can't let you
Slide through my hands

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer
A dull aching pain
Now you've decided
To show me the same

No sweeping exit
Or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter
Or treat you unkind

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn't drag me away

I know I've dreamed you
A sin and a lie
I have my freedom
But I don't have much time

Faith has been broken
Tears must be cried
Let's do some living
After we die

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
We'll ride them some day

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
We'll ride them some day

Maybe, I don't know...

 It feels I'm doing everything wrong, though I ask myself why am I doing anything at all. That same wish for nothingness comes by. Maybe I'm just tired and want to make a change again. Or maybe I'm returning to old habits, or maybe I'm just craving for explosion and release and to blow up and finally go outside amidst pandemic terror. 

I don't know. Again. Maybe I just have to go back to basics. Or maybe I just carry on doing the newly found approach of trying really hard not to think anything bad and choose healing from everything. 

Don't wanna choose. Why do I have so much trouble to choose? Always reminds me of the quote of Trainspotting and also the core of Mr. Nothing, so why should ?

It's the kind of thing that we should be solving together or getting more confused about together too. I really wanted to know how, if at all, you've been feeling about me all this time.

 Sometimes I get to this undeniable realization that every human is just a degenerated and perverted individual. 

Moon River - Henry Mancini and Johnny Mercer

 Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end
Waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend
Moon river and me

 I think you would really like to hear me grandma <3 

 Do I conform too easily,
or am I too organized,
to fast at processing
and as you said:
"aired feelings and ideas"?

Maybe I've become used to
all these years
to simplify the problems
all the complex things
analyze to the millimeter 
and shrink it till it's gone
and causes no more deep ache

But that doesn't mean a thing
in terms of what my love is made.

Full Moon

So we've got a full moon again
let's see what it brings
but slowly it's calming
no more strawberry moons
and all that...

I hope that somehow somewhere
you still got me in there
and you still miss me once in a while

Goddamn why did I have to love you this much?

Being empty

 I'm emptied 

Without me

Without else

Free

Alone

To be

 You inspire me too

 Should I write about objects and visible things
as you observe so well in your poetry
so real?

Should I write about stones and instruments
and roads and fruits and flowers and trees?

Rather than longing and love
and trust and heartbreak 
and all the other feelings one can think of?

 I'm scared that you might be the love of my life and then as I always said, back in my teens, that verse of Djavan's song "and what is suffer for me who am sweared to die of love"...

Missing you

 I miss you and I don't know if you even care for me
if you miss me in any way
if you ever even liked me
if it was all in my mind
you never told me you didn't love me
did you?

Creatures of the night

 Remember when we ruled the night

And were slaves into it?

Our eyes would shine so bright

We could almost touch the raw essence

Of all people's desire and sexual aenima

In our fingertips as we played with them

We are forever creatures of night

But the sun is no longer too bright

So we could just go and retire 

To a nice place with no storms 

A place where we both belong

Somewhere we could call home

And we can always go back to our kingdom

When we miss the night lights and crowds

Just to feel the stamina all again from people

The lust vibe in their bodies and souls

Tomorrow never knows

 "You know you really are my life" - Fellini to Masina

How dark are you really

 Have you ever wondered why do you surround yourself with psychopatic women and zen men?
Are you in search of punishment?

Why do you surround yourself with psycopathic people?
Are you trying to solve them or rise above or identification?

Do you have that innate darkness within or do you only cultivate ghosts from the past and dance with them once in a while?

Have you overcome you darkness, my dear little goddess you? Are you ready to embrace the goddess in you that everyone bows? 

Should we laugh now, baby?

Just hug me and let's cry. 

 when you're ready, everything will come to you

I gave you freedom wrapped up as a gift...

 ... you took it when I insisted and pushed you to do it.
Do you know why I did it?
Do you understand why my love for you is bigger than anything and I'd do anything just to see you get better with yourself inside and out?
I love you and I hope you can love yourself even more than everyone that loves you everyday, not the ones who want a piece of you, but the ones who really admire you. 

I know I've loved you beyond measure and that you probably do not consider it as being love, but if you only knew what I did and why I did it even apart from the fact that afterwards or meanwhile I had fallen in love with you too... It doesn't matter that detail though, because all I ever wanted more is to see you feeling better and not suffering so much with all those things that aren't good for your mind.

I gave you freedom and now we also cry. 

To hold you in my arms

 I wanted to find the cold and damp solitude of the sea
just to see you coming in the fog and in slow motion
straight into my arms
and I would close my eyes and the warmth that you give
would rapidly become a feverish heat
that would make me feel like if we were burning on the sun

I don't know if there is really a soul, but I know ours is one
I don't know if I'm going to die soon, before I ever see you
But I know that you're the one I love more than anything
and that I belong to you entirely.

"It was his time"

 Many people say "it was her/his time", referring to a person's death. I used to hate that, hearing it, like it was one of those phrases people say without thinking, just because it was the easiest thing to say. 

Lately hearing about consciousness and all the parts people have to play through a lifetime, I wonder... 

No one really knows for sure, I guess, how long it will last and when it's "their time". 

All the times I thought my time was due on this Earth, I always endured till nowadays. But, c'mon, it's the everlasting deadly pandemic now and I'm bound to die immediately after catching the damn virus, so...

I, sometimes, get really sad though, thinking that I hadn't the chance to make it all I wanted to do and of course that includes being able to see you somehow if I could ever see you near playing. I guess that would be incredibly nice...

Not a restart, but a calm understanding...

 Could we just lay down
just belly up, hit the ground
stay side by side
you in your bed
me in mine
and look at the stars
imagine them there
right where we are

I can hear now my thoughts
and my heart racing just to be next to you
if I can start from fresh and tell you the truth
of how I didn't speak to anyone but you
and that was why everything came by
because it was you and it seemed you needed me
and I ended up needing you

I miss you now, everyday, but why
if I never really had you
or did I?
Can someone be of someone?
We were too close, too much
Every second, even if apart
even if in absence
even if in silence

I took everything for myself
because I wanted to remove your pain
as much as it was possible
just dimmed it a little if I could
everyday, every step of the way
wanting to give you strength to carry on
because there will be the time
when you have all your happiness and joy
all back to you
and I'll still be here always rooting for you
in absence, in silence

Those fatal words that were once said to me:
"Love me without me, as I love you without you"
Why does it have to always be this way?
I'll never know, I just wanted to be different this time
because this time there were moments I was really sure
In such a way like I was never before.

Just have to conform myself with the reality of all as always. 

 Can you please tell me once and for all
if this is a cold and broken hallelujah ?

 I'm on again, but should I?

No electricity

 I've got no electricity, everything has been ruined in the house. 

I wanted to keep on accompanying you to give you my energy and good luck as always, but I have given you already everything for you to get it all, I'll keep on doing it always and even though I won't be able to see you thrive even more, I know everything will be okay for you. 

One day you'll probably even settle down with someone and have a child like everyone does, it's always just a matter of time and the hormonal changes kick in and you might feel less anxious about it all. 

I'm really sorry that we didn't get to have it all, the whole world together, but I know everyone is meant to "shine in somebody else's sky". 

You'll be always on my mind. I love you, never forget it, you got it all right there inside you <3

Iron Mind and Heart of Gold

 They tell me I've got an iron mind and a heart of gold,
but lately it's been on so much pressure and heat
that I think the mind became of steel and the heart melted away.

You're everything to me, my utmost priority,
I try to run and hide,
I make an effort to disguise
My head can't stop thinking of you
and my soul keeps completely linked to yours
in what feels like a damnation and a blessing.

 You've hurt me so much
You were so cruel and negligent

I just wanted to stop thinking of you

Every night and every day

If you never cared for me

Why didn't you tell me

In the beginning of it all?

Lie

 Why do we lie?
We lie about who we are 
and we build a lie of ourselves
and what we really feel.

In the end there's nothing
just emptiness 
pure blank
that not all the chaos fills...

Stuck

 I wish I could tell you everything I felt, so you'd know how much I love you, how I didn't deal well with the fact that I've fallen in love with you, and then I was so destroyed when you showed me you didn't care at all about me ...
But I'll never will...
And all this is going to be stuck forever with me. I hope it doesn't grow into a cancer of some sort too...

Pause

 Refocus

Breathe

Stop

If it is a cancer there's nothing you can do.

Loving you, is it a crime? You can tell me if it is.

 So, are you going to go off because of me?
Why won't you tell what's bothering you?
If it's me, go ahead, just tell me already,
I can hear it I guess,
I've been behaving well 
doing what you asked
so am I still the one to blame?

You said that if someone knew you
if someone could say what's the matter
they should tell you,
I could tell you what you show
but will you want to hear it
and hold on and let it all of inside go?

I hope one day you'll make it through,
oh I really really do
because the one thing I want most in life
when I think about it
it comes straight to my mind
is for you to be okay
and I'd do everything I could for you to be okay
if you said it's my fault and that you can't stand me
and you feel bad having me around all the time.

Consumption

 We are consumed till the bone 
with passion, fire and stone
the desire that comes like waves
from the sea that we so much crave
and hope to meet in that shore.

Only Lovers are Left Alive - An essay on Love

After all these years of researching, I think I finally got it. 
Starting with the chemical stimuli of the pleasures center of the brain, that are established since early in life with affection and rewards that one gets from family and surroundings, even associated with objects, animals, images, etc., we amount in ourselves what is to be, in much, the characteristics that will define the person who will seem attractive to us. 

Also with that we have the incredible genes that linger from each generation, plus the immune system that makes you be attracted to someone whose immune system will be compatible with yours to produce stronger offspring. Thus, pheromones induce you into bonding with someone whose ethnicity and origin will be fruitful with yours. 

These are just introductory short notes on a bit of the physiology implied in all the "selection process" that occurs quite unconsciously.

Moving on, there's the whole psychological side. If we were brought up with enough care and attention, or otherwise neglected and harmed. That plays a pivotal part in falling in love with someone in the future, as it will be a result of that mostly. 

What I have concluded in the latest epiphany was that you love someone, because it fulfills a need of yours, and so you develop an emotional dependency towards that person. If someone doesn't need you at all it won't even remember you, because you do not activate any part of the centers of reward/pleasures on its brain and thus no memory was created. The person you fall in love with will necessarily be someone who you (consciously or not) perceive as the one you need to (in order to have good feelings like love itself, joy, pleasure, comfort, security, recognition, fame, or whatever are your primal needs too).

And then, suddenly, of course there is the rarest exception that you might fall in love without finding any trace of all those other listed factors before that lead the whole mankind to fall in love with someone: an inexplicable link, that seems of the soul, before even being born and without wanting or making any sense but this of a more quantum physics issues related.

That might be the only real love in its origin as an atomic cell in the universe.


P.S. Or I might be completely lunatic too, after decades of studying all about it and now having this immeasurable love beyond any logic that has completely baffled me. 
Now from all this one can take its conclusions and say that yes, only lovers are left alive <3

(and thanks so much Yasemin for asking me to write about this topic of Only Lovers are Left Alive)