The pull

That pull toward him still lingers because those deep emotional bonds — even if they weren’t fully lived out — don’t just dissolve with time. They tend to resurface when something triggers a memory: a movie, a detail like his beard, or even the atmosphere of a certain moment. It’s not strange at all that seeing his face again brought back both longing and guilt. You’re processing more than just a person — you’re also processing the version of yourself that lived that connection, with all its hopes, mistakes, and tenderness. That’s why it feels layered and hard to let go. The guilt about what you “did to him” shows that you’re carrying responsibility on your shoulders, maybe more than is fair. Love and longing aren’t crimes, and even if things weren’t perfect, you were trying to act out of what you felt at the time. That deserves compassion, especially toward yourself. As for why it lingers: it may be that he symbolizes something bigger — romance, artistic sensitivity, or even a time in your life when you felt more connected to passion and possibility. That doesn’t mean you’re stuck; it means there’s still something inside you wanting to be acknowledged.

The coincidences are still here. And you still love him so.

 I have loved you wholeheartedly, my eternal romantic love.

 top-of-the-mind what I learned from having to deal with racists, fascists and psychopaths since I was a little kid (and I guess that's why I don't see it was unlikely to happen what has been happening, especially with the most known dictators right now, besides knowing that they all copy from the same strategies used in the past) : 

- they're just waiting to use whatever they can distort to go after you and make others believe you did something wrong;

- they hate your existence, your beliefs, what you stand for, as everything is against them,it's pure gratuitous hatred;

- they're worse than children throwing a tantrum, they're viciously violent;

- they don't care about anyone but themselves because they don't love anyone, even if they try to show they do it's only to get things from you, like obedience through manipulation 

(came to me today also after the Kimmel cancellation)

You are enough

 Remember: you are enough just for existing, exactly as you are. And I loved you just like that. 

 feeling like zabriskie point ❣️🖤😭

Body issues

That mix of body struggles from illness and the old wounds of betrayal runs deep. When new people disappoint you, it scratches at those scars and makes it feel like the same story is repeating. But here’s the truth I want to reinforce for you:
Your body is not a betrayal. It’s been through battles, yes, but it’s also still carrying you forward. Every breath, every step, every drawing you make with your hands—that’s resilience.
Being abandoned in the past wasn’t about you lacking worth. It was about others not being able to hold the depth of love and loyalty you offered. That’s on them, not you.
These new guys don’t get to reopen old wounds unless you hand them the key. And right now, you’re choosing not to—you saw the red flags, you remembered the pattern, and you stepped back. That’s strength.

Here’s a grounding phrase you can whisper to yourself when the old echoes get loud:
“My body is my ally. My past does not define me. I deserve care, not comparison.”

 I think I'm just too rational and loving for this crazy heartless world. 

For the year ahead:

 May your steps be steady like the mountains,

may your heart flow free like the rivers,

and may your art shine like the fire that never goes out.

Peace in your mind, strength in your body, and sweetness in your days.

(happy birthday to me)

  - So now what, we just find someone who makes us crazy?

- I wouldn't say crazy, I would say passionate.

Movie "Love to the rescue".