Oh but it did start and it went awfully and ended, without even having a real chance of a true beginning.

To live and to die without you

 Doesn't it bother you to know we are all going to die? 

Yeah, but it bothers me even more to know we're alive and we never got to be together.

 Did you really not love me at all?

Artificial love

 I never wanted your artificial love 

I wanted more

A deep honest true faithful bond

That you're probably not even capable of

Abandonment

 I only abandon people after they have abandoned me, because I know they will do it again and I can't bare to go through it again nor do I have ever deserved such mistreatments.

Setting Sun - Pearl Jam

The cast was made to reset broken bones
But there's no such thing to fix a love gone wrong
Keep knocking the door 'cause I know someone's there
I wait on the porch hoping someday, I'll be let in
They say in the end everything will be okay
If it's not okay, well then, it ain't the end
Had dreams to you I would belong
Had the dream you would stay with me till kingdom come
Turns out forever has come and gone
Am I the only one hanging on?
Hand in hand, yeah, we took it on
You answered my prayers, now from my knees, I can't get up
Lost patience with time, yeah, hurry up your patience tonight
I'd like some of yours, in trade, can take all of mine
I dreamt to you I would belong
Held the dream you would stay with me till kingdom come
Turns out it was more like hit-and-run
Am I the only one hanging on?
Whoa, am I the only one hanging on?
If you could see what I see now
You'd find a way to stay somehow
Oh, if you could see, yeah, what I see now
You'd make your way to stay somehow
May your days be long till kingdom come
May our days be long before kingdom come
May our days be long until kingdom come
We can become one last setting Sun
Am I the only one hanging on?
We could become one last setting Sun
Or be the Sun at the break of dawn
Let us not fade
Let us not fade

In this life

 I feel that this life of mine, I'm only here to suffer as atonement for the previous life. Only pain and misery. Feels like I can't have anything more. 

You gave me life

 and then treated me so badly 

destroying me every time 

like if I was an enemy to kill

why?

I haven't had the will to live

because of you

all this time

All this time

 All this time, I've been wanting to forget you, to erase you from within me, because I feel that each time I am dooming me even more and all these bad things happening to my family feels like a continuation of you and all your friends bad energy towards me.

Please release me. I know that the person I love was only a little part of you. I've asked so many times to be free from all this, especially this illusion of certainty that we were true and that we were destined for time and time again. 

 "no coward soul is mine",

tell me my love, was it not each time our eyes met in the dark, risking the peril, the utmost delight, our glimpse of paradise? 

my mouth still hungers

for your promised last kiss 

each dawn that I wait

missing you like the rain

again

to ever caress my cheek 

the fields have grown tall

dancing in the wind

in tones of your green 

and I try to stay alive 

just to see the moon

one more time 

 I wish for something 

unnamed 

never spoken of

a kind of blizzard hurricane 

the interior of a volcano 

all the beauty of the seasons 

in extreme profoundness 

and a blank empty peace

The main reason I don't like people anymore

 it's not only because of the murderous, gross, disgusting and selfish beings that they are, but more specifically because one takes care of them, feeds them, cleans them, keeps them alive and safe, and then they shit on you, basically.

Love is a losing game

 Do you know any couple who hasn't one that bosses the other? I wish there was. I hate that pure love doesn't exist and it's all a game of power. I really thought true love existed. Turns out it never did.

 It just occurred to me that maybe all my friends are mostly psychologists and musicians because the first just want to study my craziness and the second just want to steal my poetry lololl

 I don't have to believe it, because if I really allow myself to think about I feel it, I know it, it's more present and palpable than anything (and that's why it's so overwhelming and I can't deal well with it all). 

How to react

 There's always an amount of choice on how you can react to pretty much everything, grab it, right on the first seconds and don't let it go.

unrepairable, is it?

 I try to look at the moon

but I didn't meet her these days

the sky has been red with the pain

my heart has been aching at the same

sometimes I think if it's still possible

for you to see me as I am

and still love me and return to me

even knowing that I'm still the same

with my absolutes and nothings

I think if you can ever forgive me

I think if you can ever forgive yourself

I think if you can come back to me

knowing that the only thing that matters

is the love we have

unrepairable, is it?

Too late

 People only realise what's important in life when their death arrives.

Take me to church

 If you depend in something to be a good person, then you're not a good person and you'll never become one.

 When you get to think about it, you just see as it's all a crazy fucking lunacy, everything there is, everything you did and everything you are.

Are you truly happy?

 You're trying to do what you like best and having fun while doing it. That's a formula to live day by day in society and you've invented quite a good life for yourself. You've managed to get some money too while doing what you love, working and having fun sometimes, even taking holidays with the wifey, visiting also the family, having some fun and relaxing as well. You got it all figured out. You found you're passion for making your job and you made it party of it. You got yourself a house and a car and you're even thinking of having kids one day. Aren't you so happy now? It's all I could've wished for you, a nice joyful life doing whatever you like. You deserve it, right? You made an effort to get it. You worked really hard to achieve it. And most importantly, you didn't step on anyone or left anyone behind, did you now? 

Yeah, I wished this last bit was true too. 

My Man

 I didn't ask you to sing that song, but you did it thinking I was going to be happy about it. I didn't understand that, I didn't know you cared for me and I didn't know I would develop strong feelings for you later on. You didn't sing the song I asked you afterwards when I paid for it. I really thought you never cared for me at all and it was just as she used to say that you guys only liked wben we were supporting you and after you wouldn't even care if we're still alive. 

The truth is that since I loved you and then fell in love with you, you were always my man, the one and only, and i couldn't think of no one else or want to be with anyone else but you. I don't think I will ever love again anyone, because I will always love you and miss you every second of my life. 

I'm sorry I have hurt you

 I'm really sorry for hurting you. If I could, I would have never come across you.

A bunch of self-interested people

 People aren't into love and care, they are only into their own interests and who can provide them. 

That's why I don't talk to people anymore. 

 We're all insane. But some of us know it and even so it doesn't make it better.

True Love

 ... never dies.

Some people

 Some people won't give up on you, no matter what you do and some give up on you at the first problem. 

 dressing is so out of fashion 

Life isn't easy

 I can't remember a time when life was easy. Not even when I was a baby. I got beaten so hard and was forbidden to do everything and got very sick sometimes too.

And as I grew up it still remained the same bloody shit. All because of the people who made me so bad and so wrong things, since congenital problems to acquired. So poor, so mistreated, so poorly nurtured in every way.

 we burned through fire itself

just to get to the other side

both of us, ashes at flight

that before were cinder

in disguise 

  'Just in case you ever foolishly forget; I'm never not thinking of you.' - Virginia Woolf

being sufficient

 no one gets to be sufficient for someone else, because they don't know what the other wants.

 seeing you smile makes me feel that you know that we'll get to be together in the end

it really seems I waited a lifetime to finally be with you.

desire clouded our souls 

and destroyed our love

 It's been some hard days on my mind, feeling like it's raining all the time, or about to explode with so much confusion in its abode.

In fact, it has been cold and rainy outside the window that I seldom open, I don't even know the scope of it being broken.
But through it all, on the background hidden, there's the glimpse of a small flame like from candle light and the warmth of a firebond, that whenever I risk to look better at it I feel it's like the incandescence of the sun burning through space itself.
If I'm ash, how can I burn; if I'm the blue-crow tattooed on my chest, how am I the phoenix?
I guess I'm just like the tired photograph of the night streetlights that we'll never see together.

(8th Feb 2021)

How could you leave me to die? 

 When you broke free of our karmic connection did you swear to nevermore? 

 I think about you when I'm not even thinking. 

Love/hate

 How idiotic it was : I didn't want you to hate me, but had to make you hate me so we would be rid of each other.

I still love you though, of course, hating myself for it. 

 Am I not worth fighting for?? 

 Unfortunately no one came up with a better solution than going away into nature to isolate oneself from the horrors of Men. 

 Truth is I could never love someone unconditionally, because I wouldn't love you if you killed someone, for example. So, if when I was 17 and I told otherwise to someone, I was lying, of course, unknowingly. 

Who can say?

 Maybe I will survive another year at least, who knows if I will? When I held her last it felt that I wouldn't see her again, that I wouldn't be here. And she felt something too, because she wallowed for second after that. I couldn't say it out loud. I still wanted to realise some dreams of mine, any if only one, please. I loved them so much, I hope they know it, at least, and may always feel it. Just thought now: I'm sorry to go but mostly I feel like I was long over due.

I still wanted us, for real, in all truth and sincerity, as transparent as clear water. 

Your whole life

 All that is left is your whole life. I think you know what I'm talking about. You should go ahead and do it. I would if I had the money and health to do it. You on the other side have it, so what's keeping you??

 I guess you always knew I didn't like you that much. I mean, how could I? You're quite an awful person. How much hurt you caused to so many... 

 I want "a misfit with a gentleman's soul" .  Decent guys are rare. There are no more Paul Newmans, are there? 

I'll know when I find you

 I don't know what I have been searching for all these years, but I know that when I find you I will know.

We held on as much as we could, moreover, we held on and let go at the same time too much. 

I still miss you every day and every night, but I know I couldn't have made you my own personal Orpheus for all my life as I needed. I'm already grateful for having had you, though I made it a hell of a disaster I know it was a beautiful miracle in a few moments.

No one will ever know how much love and hate we produced all together. No one will remember too in time. But me. It will always be the most significant and elusive things that happened. 

 Considering the end of all things, everything is overrated. 

 When you left me, I felt a sense of achievement and then immediately a sense of despair and shattered heart. The irony of it all: not standing to see you without having you and making you loathe me and stronger than anything to face everyone and never let anyone bother you anymore, and being honest with yourself. Yes, what a joke it was for me, like I knew it was going to be since almost the beginning. And no one will ever know why I did it and that it all started because of your best friends who made me help you and pity your situation and admire you also. I am so very proud of you. 

Deeply hidden

 If you pay close attention to nature or anything around you, you can have the awe of finding something deeply hidden. 

 It could seem funny that no one really deserved me and they all knew it, if it wasn't just sad. 

 Deep inside, everyone knows they're just a big piece of shit. 

 If we both changed and if we are still the same in our feelings way deep inside still loving each other, would we still recognise that? 

 I'm broken, I'm emptied, I'm shattered, I don't have anything.

Something in your eyes...

 ... that sometimes tells me that you're still mine and will always be.

Just bring me yourself

  You don't have to bring light, for I am light; you don't have to bring love, for I am love. So when you come, just bring yourself and you will be bringing me back. 

Artist

 I never aim to make art. I make it because I get in that state in which it becomes inevitable. 

 Am I the one who wants to break it all, or fix it all? Or something in between, or sometimes one and sometimes the other?