Before I die, you should decide to live

 Before I die, kid, I want you to know that you should decide to live and not give up. I'm not going to tell you this exactly, but something alike, now that I'm trying to tell you how I made my mind stronger to not fall again and again in depression and despair. 

How life gets intricate I know, but I also made myself untie the knots, stubbornly I made it through, I can see it in a much simpler way, everything gets clearer faster nowadays. I guess I exercised my mind so much by doing it that it's now much easier and intuitive. You can do it too. To be intelligent this way is a kind of glory that you will feel if you do appreciate your development. I hope you get to and also have all that perspectives that are so needed in order to "see the whole picture". 

I hope that, truly, one day you will find a poem or any other piece of art or just see something that you find so beautiful, that you say you are glad to have seen this and that it makes living worth it. It's one of the great feelings one can have. 

The love / man of your dreams

 The man with the kindest eyes, so deep inside, always so bright and every other being was drawn to his love. That was the man of your dreams. So many dreams, all fantasies of love and kindness and peace. The last man you had was a kind of Greek god on Earth and like all gods he had that one defect of being capricious. One should not fall in love with gods for they're just as human and mortal as everyone else.
Remember that you asked for someone polite, educated, curious, dedicated, faithful, bright, and so many other qualities. But since then you've discovered that there is no balance in a man, even when he is so complex and seems complete. 
Plus, no one knows what true love is (except for what I found after years of study and observation) and people are just too bound to everything that it isn't: ambition, pleasure, possessiveness, desire, lust, passion, envy, jealousy, etc. 


*movie with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman

This is why I've been separating the art from the person for many years, otherwise would be impossible

 "Just because you are talented doesn't mean you get to be a son of a bitch" - Nuno Markl

 Note to Self: Next time you help someone, make sure you're not killing yourself by devastating your organs and risk fatality, especially for someone who doesn't give a crap not as much to put a stupid "like" on a post of your art. 

 Dying isn't easy in the body: fading away, vertigo, feeling the icy death on the whole body. 

I'm tired, my love, where are you to hold me to my last breath?

Anedony

 What is wrong with me again? 
Why can't I feel anything?

I don't know why it's happening
all over again
but maybe it's a bit different
because I don't feel bad

So maybe I'm just fed up
of feeling and hurting for others
and then this happened inside
the complete absence.

 There's a nice feeling of relief too and not only just sadness when I realize there was never really anyone for me and therefore no one will suffer a cutting wound when I'm gone. 

Gods

 One should never mess with gods, for they are always inevitably capricious tyrants.

 I have always wanted to know when was I going to die, but now that I have this notion that I am going to die soon I simply don't find it very interesting anymore. 

It turns out I'm really going to "die of love" lol

 This is all so crazy, that I was actually thinking of how I might have "wished" this all through my life unconsciously. This whole thing of an impossible and fantasy love and me dying and having this feeling so certain.

And to know that inadvertently, for all the effort I made in helping all of them I have worsen my state of disease to an ending point, is again that idea that I am actually really dying of love. The love that I had didn't save me at all, how people may think, it actually was my demise. 

How pathetic of a ultraromantic era character have I become, it's really idiotic and to laugh about.