Sunday, 3 March 2013

I've always felt the darkness

Most of the days I feel like dying. It has been like this since I was very young still at elementary school and she used to hit me for no reason, calling me names, saying what seemed to me the most awful and understandable things.

How can someone put us in this world and treat us so badly? Deprive me from my happiness, my peace, my nourishment, my whole health and then act for my brothers and father as she was the victim and I a bad person and a bad daughter. When I was little I could only think of what could I possible have done to deserve this.

Many times, killing myself seemed the only way to put an end to so much pain and make everyone else happier. I know what a cliché this all is, but that fact doesn't make it less serious and problematic. I could never find a way to get out and get rid of all this. Adding the physical health problems and consequential financial problem I've still, in these three decades, haven't been able to free myself either way.

And I feel pity for what my situation became and ashamed for it all. And I still want an escape, though I never took the easiest escapes that crossed my path.

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