Welcome to my hell

 What are we to do with being alone
for all our lives
for how long will we have to disguise?

The worst thing that could happen
was to love you this much
or wasn't?

This feeling of being all alone in the world
with no one who gets you truly
and loves you for all you are
and is there for and giving you care,
will it ever leave?

Having to be the target of others' problems
has left with this will to not exist 
my whole life.

I just wish I could rest and have you by my side.

Show - Beth Gibbons

 Let the show begin

It's a sorry sight
Let it all deceive
Now I'm
Pains in me that I've never found

Let the show begin
Let the clouds roll
There's a life to be found in this world
And now I see it's all but a game
That we hope to achieve
What we can
What we will
What we did suddenly

But it's all just a show
A time for us and the words we'll never know
And daylight comes and fades with the tide
And I'm here to stay

But it's all just a show
A time for us and the words we'll never know
And daylight comes and fades with the tide
I'm here to stay

Melancholy, what's the glory?

 What one drowns in a glass of alcohol
makes the soul reborn?
No, it just makes it go numb for a while.

We, the losers in love,
making lies to survive
to make it all easier 
to see if we can go on

But we never do
because we're stuck
like a huge rock
on a riverbed 
everything goes by it
but it stays put.

My melancholy hits hard sometimes
just like when there's a hurricane
and you're a bird that is stuck inside
right in the middle of its eye
in this kind of limbo.

Poorly treated

 You've treated me with cruelty
so much indifference 
so much carelessness
that sometimes 
when I see all the love
care and attention
that you give 
that you supposedly have
to everyone else
my heart sinks a little
into this whirl of sorrow
and pain.

waiting to carry our heart

 There's nothing to do but wait
expect 
or not think at all
forgot the rest
you are everything 
in every moment
the one who can bring joy
the one who can bear love
the one who can carry my heart.

Head over feet - Alanis Morissette

 I had no choice but to hear you

You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long?

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

 When no one loves you, especially if you love someone, it's like you're a lonely twig burning off on the fireplace of life.

 Death doesn't come swiftly enough to those who want it, does it?

#iwishineverexisted

Broken Heart and Misery

Break apart
Tear everything
Why does a broken heart still remains

Can I live without you
can I not think of you

Please

Take this broken heart and misery
and throw it on the space vacuum
make it evaporate 

If you don't love me why do I feel this still?
This feeling that you're attached to me
like I am to you
so strongly and so hard 
in a connection that surpasses everything

What am I to do 
with all this heartbreak and misery?

Did you know?

 Did you get that I truly loved and cared for you, and then it all got too confuse, for even the mere hypothesis that you might have fallen in love and then me too, and so I panicked because it was all too crazy?

You've treated me with so much indifference and even spite, only because I was in need of you to understand everything that was going on, also with me. 

I needed your help and you didn't care at all, did you? You just thought I was another crazy person who fell under your so called potency. 

When people say I'm magnetic and that's why everyone wants to be close and likes me, I wonder why I never told you what I was truly feeling when I had a chance 4 or 5 months back. I guess I was struggling with it all. 

And deep down I don't think it matters to tell because it doesn't make any difference. You have a long path ahead possibly with changes too, as everyone eventually settles down in life, but not me. I am a skeleton just waiting for the end all alone as always. 

Now I've remembered that excerpt that you've put out once, of the sheen of the possibility... It is indeed a pity, all of it.

The Potency of Creation

 The potency of love and happiness
is much bigger than anything,
even more explosive and intense
than of the wrath, aggressiveness,
rage, lust, fury, greed or escape.

Friendship, not really ever

 As I said, we were never friends
as I knew we could never be
because our thing was weirder than that
it was that kind of thing that seemed a karma
a kind of unresolved issue of the souls

I knew it all along
because I didn't even connect with you at first
so clearly I didn't even care much about you
everything came later on
when we knew what kind of crappy things 
were going on and that you had done

We were a bad karma to face each other
and probably if this is all true
we'll face each other again 
if there's next lives out there
because surely we couldn't handle this
not in this life
even I who already had a hint
about all that and that it would be hard.

Friends care about each other
they are there for each other
and you never cared,
it's as simple as that.

Everyday and everynight

 I wanted to give you
strength and support
everyday of your life,
I guess I had an illusion
that I could save you
somehow
that we could save each other
from ourselves

This bond that unites us
that makes us suffer the same things
and makes me care about you
everyday and everynight 
maybe because it's really a karma
meant for me to pay in this life

Either way the caring that I have
is beyond any soul damnation 
or any ancestral fate
I wished you knew that.

All alone

 I'm all alone in this world

When I've been sick

With no one to take care of me

I always thought it had to be

Just like this because no one cares

And I couldn't drag anyone too

But today I admit finally

That I am deep inside weak

And too fragile

And all I wanted was someone 

Who cared for me

Loved me as I am

And not let me go

I wished that there was such person

Now realising all this

And that there is no one for me

Makes me sad for the first time

Over this very simple fact

That I'll always be alone.

*I always thought that is what I wanted because also if someone stayed he or I would eventually die and that would cause suffer too. Either way there is no escape from some kind of suffer, is there?

The beautiful condemnation?

 It seems as if I'm condemned to this love beyond reason and physicality. 

I still can't grasp entirely how it came to be, if it just happened to me or did I make it by getting too close. 

If you don't feel the same why won't you tell me? If you stray from the path how will we get there? 

Is this the connection that is beyond lives? How will we do it in this one? Nothing, or everything? Will we ever be ready? Will we ever be pure light and love and merge our darkness to heal it all? Do we have a solution only in the realm of dreams? Our insufficiency, can we ever repair it by being together and being sufficient for each other? Not likely, is it? What is left when you have no passion afterwards and the love eventually feels it goes to sleep?

Yes, I know, this is all doubt and lack of faith and insecurity. 

I wish we had the certainty and the strength of our love everyday, like before when I had for us both and I thought you had in some days too. It was all of miraculous and nice, wasn't it? For a moment there, it really seemed a wonderful world. I guess that's the stupidity of falling in love, just that... Or it wasn't, because it was out of a beautiful certainty that we found somehow what we were looking for.

I love you and yes, I'm in love with you, despite everything that I can't understand.

there's nothing to know, everyone is going to die.

 Am I the only one who can see that everything is wrong?

 Hanging by a thread, how strong is the chord that holds you and strains you? Breaking down, you've fallen in the trapdoor in the sun, blinded by its burning light. How come it isn't so? How come it's everything you know? Nothing is gonna come for you now. That's what you've known. Way to go, for someone who wanted to be the nothingman, you really got it. It's never too late to make something different, they say, but what do they know. I never know anything or think anything is to be known, 'cause everything can change in a millisecond. I'm giving up entirely now, I will not focus anything now, no object, no element, there is no possible capability or strength (or eye muscle) enough in me to transmute anything; there never was, was there?

(on instagram because of a The Crow card with brandon lee hanging on a rope)

To like me or not?

 And I'm still thinking if I want someone to like me
though I think I wished you had...

Why do I think that someone liking me is bad
because they will have to put up with all the crap?

Yeah, maybe I am indeed too merciful and pure
and think always and put always other people's 
wellbeing first instead of mine or what I want
especially because I don't want anyone 
to suffer on my account
and I know I face hard things that aren't me exactly
but the things that happen and people around me
and also my lack of conditions.

So, in truth, you shouldn't like me
and it's okay
though I'm suffering now.

Pretty much. Like life is ever fair, right? :DDD

(listening and digging so much album of LoFi music from Julian Avila)

P.S.: I've realized, the next day to writing this, that it's bullcrap, because yes I can be liked and loved, even as I am, otherwise I wouldn't have people that really do :-) And I am very thankful for the people that do. :-) So it's okay to be liked just like this goddamm!! :-) :-) :-)

Real connection - Soul Connection

 If you feel what I feel
this connection that is so real
that I feel what you feel
and you come whenever I call

Please let me know
with just a sign
again and again
so the faith in both resides

Until your dream appears
we belong to us
and even if it never does
and all you get is false
fast love
and such
no matter what
in our chest 
it's always you and me. 

World Wonders

 To see such wonders in the whole world
with you by side
what a bliss it would be
after all the time we were lost 
and to finally find

I wish we could see everything
absorb it to each pore
feel it with every molecule
vibrate in each cell
with all the love that we got

What a wonderful thing it would be
to see all the world wonders
just you and me! 

By Moonlight

 Come to find me by moonlight 
near the sea shore
my love

We're different hemispheres
of the same Earth

And the sun and the moon
are the only things
that we can see together

but always apart
just like them

I love you
my everyday beloved 

Little Baby Girl

 You're expecting someone to lick your wounds
to come and see right through you
and all your gimmicks and decaying body
You want someone to heal your soul
to embrace you completely
as you grow and age grey and old

Little baby girl, you're a blast
you're a bomb
you're rock and roll
and the most beautiful song

You're trying to get down with the town
but you know you're a lonely wolf
with your old black American car
dying your hair whenever it regrows blonde

Getting Old

 Getting old isn't easy,
not only because of society
but also on the physical part
that starts to decay and give up
when it reaches a certain age

Your skin becomes flaccid
and dried wrinkling all over
like if your biggest organ
tells the countdown is close 

Then you start thinking often
of all the things you wanted to do
and haven't had the chance to
plus the things you regret doing

Either way it's a nonstop degeneration
that brings you to a slow consciousness
of the reality that caught you up
while you were busy doing other plans. 

(everyday one rhythm is lost)

Note to Self nr. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 You will survive even without one sincere compliment from the one you love, or anything at all, for that matter. (though you are currently fading away and feeling your gut being squeezed)

#unrequitedloveissucky

My darling, dear, beloved one

 Ain't Love the sweetest illusion, my dear?
It comes slowly making a bird nest in your chest
just to make it sing in morning and at dawn
sometimes making you feel alive sometimes just yawn
And still ain't Love a blast, or yet when passion is past?

Sweetheart, bethrothal, loved one,
does your heart beat for mine?
Shall we turn back time?
You think I should let this illusion go
and that love is nothing but losing
each time that you attach to someone
I know that you didn't believe in love
only because you didn't want to suffer
but what if I tell you that I will not let go?

Will you think I'm crazy again
my dearie, heartie, honey
or will you say you love me this time?

As simple as that...

 Oh gosh, I see your face talking in what seems a chilled way and I - besides resting my head on my hand and smiling - I start cursing, saying things like "fucking hell, goddammit, I'm really in love with him, it's really true, fuckin' hell, how the fuck this whole thing happened, I can't believe this is happening, he really exists too. Oh man, I still can't understand, but I'm so freaking doomed". Yeah, pretty much, fuck! 

(Never wrote or said so many f words lol)

A pandemic love story

 Okay, let's face it all, shortly/briefly as it can be here, let's do this.
Let's see how it all became this crazy love story...

First, when we were choosing who we were going to ask for the name to enter on the biggest live streaming I chose yours, because you had a foreign surname and generally, especially here, the quality of work is high. 
When you entered with your look of a startled deer I thought it was a bit silly, but funny, and as our great owner of that live said, it's kind of funny how people ask to be in the live streaming and she warns that she is going to call them and then they look so shocked. But, anyhow, it's all understandable. For the song you chose, I didn't think the sound of your voice was incredibly special, enough for me to follow your work. 
Time passed and you showed up on another live that I liked along with someone I started followed immediately when he entered that other big live, because he saved us all that night from everyone that was crying before and then laughed so hard. He was our kind of Jesus that night and soon enough we became good buddies, because we're similar in heart and innocent fun side. 

When I did a drawing of you and other two artists, saying you were musketeers I believed you were really good hearted people that saved so much with your art. Then I came to see who you were and what your were doing and confirmed it, the first impressions of youngster with a good heart and helping people.
I saw that you could use help and some guidance, took you under my wing as artistic protégées to help grow in audience. And so it became the rush, putting you in every live, making groups to support you, making connections and advertising your work and who you were.

When you approached me, we soon discovered we had a kind of karmic thing going on as you did the same that someone was a bit doing to me and we were going through similar other things too. 
Given my experience I saw, and bit recognized, that it was like a soul thing somewhat and that probably would give me trouble as I'm always too transparent and many times say what I see and question people to know more and understand. 

Time passed by and "we were on a roll", because without the other two active in live streaming, I had focused more on accompanying you and helping your impact and broadness. 
It was all pretty crazy and intense and on a rush, and then with my hyper adrenaline and complete honesty of being I made everything I could to bring you more people to you fan database, including that whole moustache and then the most crazy dream pandemics with everyone dreaming of you. Discovering so on point how people can be suggestible was rather weird and scary at some times.

Anyway, I told you I'd carry on with my care for you even if afar and if you wanted me to stop you should say so anytime and in a gentle way if possible due to my illness not dealing with aggressively ways  :D 
Meanwhile. people kept bad mouthing stuff between us, saying things that never occurred to me and even started to make me a bit annoyed because of that whole culture that a guy and a girl can't be friends, or someone helping another can't be with no interest at all.
It was really strange to me to think about all that, because indeed I never even saw you as more than a young man who also didn't have that attractiveness to me, not only because I wasn't interested in those kind of things, but also because your looks weren't the looks I'd naturally attract my eyes to. That fact, later, was what I found funny too of the coincidence between the story of that beautiful and spiritual couple F and H, and how she told the same, and whole story that someone over there mentioned about soul flames.

Sometimes, there were so many coincidences between us and with everyone too, that it also started to seem also that you did care for what I said too. So amidst February I admitted to myself something very bad was happening, something that made me feel that I was betraying your trust, like my already immeasurable but pure love and care had become with a bit of jealousy for an episode or two and so it might have happened that what I never expected to happen, was happening, and I really was falling in love with you. 
I struggled and battled and felt like the worse person, because to me that was the worse thing that could happen, me falling in love (and even more with a person overseas); I mean, I'm the one always saying (and talking about that oldies "what do you do when you fall in love, you catch pneumonia") that passion is the worse thing, it (proved scientifically) makes people dumb and sick and blind. And all we ever did all this time was never see each other unless virtually in the same live once, whilst you were pretty wasted already, but you said really nice things about me and it seemed you got really sad after I disconnected. 
I always had my speech towards you like I do with everyone, that you shouldn't get close, keep the distance, I'm of risk, have problems of health of blood and hyper adrenaline, blablablah 
Probably I even made some crazy bug in my brain for listening to you singing that same song on looping for dozens of times, though it really saved me back then. 

Anyway, after so long of questions and uncertainty and then realizing that maybe it's not that you hate me, but instead you did think of me also for a long time now, and I thought of all the songs, all the coincidences, all the words, all the difficulty, it dawned me that you might have had a real thing going on about me too even before I did. I guess sometimes I really asked myself if I was being manipulated into all this, especially when supposedly who are your best friends approached me saying so many nice things and all. 
I guess I'll never know if everything I realized about what you were feeling was true and I was feeling too.

Anyway, I just wanted you to be happy as I told you so many times I wished I could take away the pain and make everything better. 
I don't think I ever did anything like what I did afterwards of pressuring you so much and going so crazy, absorbing all your feeling and moods, always trying to make them better somehow. 
Still, I don't know if this all happened because it had to happen for us to be better as individuals and more conscient, but I hope yes, that it turned out to be a fruitful thing for the upcoming era and maybe in that sort of spiritual awakening supposedly too. 

But the love is real, I tell you, too damn much. I hope one day it won't bother you so much that I exist and did what I did. I know it coincided with the concrete separation of your bestie too of the band, especially him coming precisely to here, but I hope time brings clarity and lightness of mind and heart to you somehow, without more escapes and lies to yourself and others.

P.S.: Not including here all the episode concerning the tons of synchronicities and the moon and the water and everything. 

To keep the faith, but what faith?

 I will keep my ground
trying to keep the faith
in a blind love
but is it all an illusion
never seen before
unheard of
never felt
I hope not
I hope that if it's our path 
(if there's really such a thing as a soul bond)
and that if we're being ready to take it
no matter how long it will take to get there
to feel that entanglement
I hope we get to feel it.
What am I talking about?
I don't know...

 It's alright, slow down 

Nothing Really Ends - Deus

 The plan, it wasn't much of a plan

I just started walking
I had enough of this old town
And nothing else to do

It was one of those nights, you wonder how nobody died
We started talking
You didn't come here to have fun
You said, "Well, I just came for you"

Do you still love me?
Do you feel the same?
Do I have a chance of doing that old dance
With someone I've been pushing away?

And touch, we touched the soul
The very soul, the soul of what we were then
With the old schemes of shattered dreams lying on the floor

You looked at me
No more than sympathy, my lies you have heard them
My stories you have laughed with
My clothes you have torn

And do you still love me?
Do you feel the same?
And do I have a chance of doing that old dance again?
Is it too late for some of that romance again?
Let's go away, we'll never have the chance again

You lost that feeling
You want it again
More than I'm feeling
You'll never get
You had a go at
All that you know
You lost that feeling
So come down and show

Don't say goodbye
Let accusations fly like in that movie
You know the one where Martin Sheen
Waves his arm to the girl on the street

I once told a friend that nothing really ends
No-one can prove it
So I'm asking you now
Could it possibly be

That you still love me
And do you feel the same?
Do I have a chance of doing that old dance again?
Or is it too late for some of that romance again?
Let's go away, we'll never have the chance again

I take it all from you
I take it all from you
I take it all from you
I take it all from you
I take it all from you
I take it all from you

 Goddammit, do you even know how fucking beautiful you are in your essence and complete emptiness?

Ever yours in that same sky

 You come to me in the shining light, announcing the arrival of the golden hour and reminding of how there was a moment when I actually felt loved and that I could trust that it was for who I was, even while in construction, and not for what I gave or for being needed. I trusted, I was given to fly and to you, you held me in your hands as did I but we kept them open all the time. I guess I always, deep inside, knew we were intertwined, just took me a while to see and admit the scope of it. Now I get it, we're those two birds flying forever in that same sky.
For every loss, for every day, my heart keeps yours as you keep mine.

No song can ever say

 I love you more than songs can say
My heart feels like it's always aching
Just because I miss you 
And it knows that I'll probably never hold you
and never will be loved by you too.

No song can ever sing this anguished soul
that craves for our togetherness
so that every pain goes away
and every woe disappears 

I never wanted to love someone so much
I ran and battled against
but fell short in love's magnet

I don't see you
I don't listen to your voice
I don't see your image
I'm trying to ease the pain
But you are always on my mind
and always in my heart
feeling like we're attached. 

 Sometimes it feels like I'll never know from you if you too love me so...

I am here for you

 Yes, I can guide you
I know I'm stronger now
everything will be better
as long as we focus 
and turn it into as simple
as it can be

Every problem
every little thing
we'll manage together
I'm right here for you

Whenever you feel like it
I'll keep you in my arms
I'll hold till all is calm
No worries can afflict us
Not anymore. 

I belong to you 
in the most peculiar way
bond to the core of the soul
So every ounce of me is yours
Everything that I am
Everything that I've been
Everything I'll be
Is yours to keep
Only yours 
No one else.