Lullaby of autumn leaves

The crushing of the dried autumn leaves,
beneath my feet, were my only happy sound
my heart buckled in a tight sorrow
trees lose all their leaves every year
and I didn't get anyone to call my own. 

Feb. 2021

 When you face your own death too many times a day, does it ever become easier and uneventful in terms of thought? 

Pressure

How do you think you'd be if I didn't do all that precisely when you were going through the other parting? 

There's that saying "if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen", but isn't it by being in the kitchen that one can improve its ability to stand the heat? 

Let's see now how you've improved so much in all that and you became so much stronger. I already saw it and got proud of you. I think you're going just fine. Probably much better than me despite my adrenal fatigue problem. 

Godspeed, you little god boy of mine. 

Never better

 When your mind is sane 
everything else is on the game
functioning like an on-time train

For the first time my conscious
and everything in-between
is now unraveled as much as never
and I can now make a choice

I choose not to choose
this time with more certainty 
of consciousness and choice itself
and not just by fear or a mere whim  

I choose that I want to embrace all
whatever is to come
and I'll deal and take it as it comes
because before I couldn't choose 
just for the fact that I thought I couldn't

This time I choose something good
something really really good
but not exactly anything 
that I can point out specifically 
So I'll just leave to what's to come.

Lost and Confused

What to do when we're lost and confused?
Search for answers?
Stray away from questioning?

I got my two feet on the ground
but they're not lightly there
though sometimes they float

I wish you would tell me that you never loved me
that I was never you love confusion
just to see if my love for you would cease 
if it's possible to have an end
I really just don't understand
nothing really makes sense to me
though the feeling is so strong sometimes
that it overwhelms me to the point I'm no longer me
I'm just someone who is you and you are me
mirror to mirror
nothing more to understand or question
it just is

So please tell just that
if you can ever tell the truth to me
in some way...
Would you do that?

Tides or not...

 Here it is again
the water that came into my eyes
because I choked while drinking it
but before I was listening
to the song that means so much
and after of course I cried again
for this love that doesn't end
the realization that it's here rooted
deep inside this hurt of lost
of missing you
of needing to live in your hug.

Even before when I taking a shower
I was already struggling
thinking why can't I just stop talking 
to you mentally
why can't I just be like yesterday
all joyous almost normal
even thought I was too resolved
and too focused now.

What a lie. Soon enough I see
everything again 
all the feeling deeply lodged 
surfacing around all over
out of the blue
just leaving me without a clue.

(and  writing listening to here she is again - leah free)

Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones

 Childhood living

Is easy to do
The things you wanted
I bought them for you

Graceless lady
You know who I am
You know I can't let you
Slide through my hands

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer
A dull aching pain
Now you've decided
To show me the same

No sweeping exit
Or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter
Or treat you unkind

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn't drag me away

I know I've dreamed you
A sin and a lie
I have my freedom
But I don't have much time

Faith has been broken
Tears must be cried
Let's do some living
After we die

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
We'll ride them some day

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
We'll ride them some day

Maybe, I don't know...

 It feels I'm doing everything wrong, though I ask myself why am I doing anything at all. That same wish for nothingness comes by. Maybe I'm just tired and want to make a change again. Or maybe I'm returning to old habits, or maybe I'm just craving for explosion and release and to blow up and finally go outside amidst pandemic terror. 

I don't know. Again. Maybe I just have to go back to basics. Or maybe I just carry on doing the newly found approach of trying really hard not to think anything bad and choose healing from everything. 

Don't wanna choose. Why do I have so much trouble to choose? Always reminds me of the quote of Trainspotting and also the core of Mr. Nothing, so why should ?

It's the kind of thing that we should be solving together or getting more confused about together too. I really wanted to know how, if at all, you've been feeling about me all this time.

 Sometimes I get to this undeniable realization that every human is just a degenerated and perverted individual. 

Moon River - Henry Mancini and Johnny Mercer

 Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end
Waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend
Moon river and me

 I think you would really like to hear me grandma <3 

 Do I conform too easily,
or am I too organized,
to fast at processing
and as you said:
"aired feelings and ideas"?

Maybe I've become used to
all these years
to simplify the problems
all the complex things
analyze to the millimeter 
and shrink it till it's gone
and causes no more deep ache

But that doesn't mean a thing
in terms of what my love is made.

Full Moon

So we've got a full moon again
let's see what it brings
but slowly it's calming
no more strawberry moons
and all that...

I hope that somehow somewhere
you still got me in there
and you still miss me once in a while

Goddamn why did I have to love you this much?

Being empty

 I'm emptied 

Without me

Without else

Free

Alone

To be

 You inspire me too

 Should I write about objects and visible things
as you observe so well in your poetry
so real?

Should I write about stones and instruments
and roads and fruits and flowers and trees?

Rather than longing and love
and trust and heartbreak 
and all the other feelings one can think of?

 I'm scared that you might be the love of my life and then as I always said, back in my teens, that verse of Djavan's song "and what is suffer for me who am sweared to die of love"...

Missing you

 I miss you and I don't know if you even care for me
if you miss me in any way
if you ever even liked me
if it was all in my mind
you never told me you didn't love me
did you?

Creatures of the night

 Remember when we ruled the night

And were slaves into it?

Our eyes would shine so bright

We could almost touch the raw essence

Of all people's desire and sexual aenima

In our fingertips as we played with them

We are forever creatures of night

But the sun is no longer too bright

So we could just go and retire 

To a nice place with no storms 

A place where we both belong

Somewhere we could call home

And we can always go back to our kingdom

When we miss the night lights and crowds

Just to feel the stamina all again from people

The lust vibe in their bodies and souls

Tomorrow never knows

 "You know you really are my life" - Fellini to Masina

How dark are you really

 Have you ever wondered why do you surround yourself with psychopatic women and zen men?
Are you in search of punishment?

Why do you surround yourself with psycopathic people?
Are you trying to solve them or rise above or identification?

Do you have that innate darkness within or do you only cultivate ghosts from the past and dance with them once in a while?

Have you overcome you darkness, my dear little goddess you? Are you ready to embrace the goddess in you that everyone bows? 

Should we laugh now, baby?

Just hug me and let's cry. 

 when you're ready, everything will come to you

I gave you freedom wrapped up as a gift...

 ... you took it when I insisted and pushed you to do it.
Do you know why I did it?
Do you understand why my love for you is bigger than anything and I'd do anything just to see you get better with yourself inside and out?
I love you and I hope you can love yourself even more than everyone that loves you everyday, not the ones who want a piece of you, but the ones who really admire you. 

I know I've loved you beyond measure and that you probably do not consider it as being love, but if you only knew what I did and why I did it even apart from the fact that afterwards or meanwhile I had fallen in love with you too... It doesn't matter that detail though, because all I ever wanted more is to see you feeling better and not suffering so much with all those things that aren't good for your mind.

I gave you freedom and now we also cry. 

To hold you in my arms

 I wanted to find the cold and damp solitude of the sea
just to see you coming in the fog and in slow motion
straight into my arms
and I would close my eyes and the warmth that you give
would rapidly become a feverish heat
that would make me feel like if we were burning on the sun

I don't know if there is really a soul, but I know ours is one
I don't know if I'm going to die soon, before I ever see you
But I know that you're the one I love more than anything
and that I belong to you entirely.

"It was his time"

 Many people say "it was her/his time", referring to a person's death. I used to hate that, hearing it, like it was one of those phrases people say without thinking, just because it was the easiest thing to say. 

Lately hearing about consciousness and all the parts people have to play through a lifetime, I wonder... 

No one really knows for sure, I guess, how long it will last and when it's "their time". 

All the times I thought my time was due on this Earth, I always endured till nowadays. But, c'mon, it's the everlasting deadly pandemic now and I'm bound to die immediately after catching the damn virus, so...

I, sometimes, get really sad though, thinking that I hadn't the chance to make it all I wanted to do and of course that includes being able to see you somehow if I could ever see you near playing. I guess that would be incredibly nice...

Not a restart, but a calm understanding...

 Could we just lay down
just belly up, hit the ground
stay side by side
you in your bed
me in mine
and look at the stars
imagine them there
right where we are

I can hear now my thoughts
and my heart racing just to be next to you
if I can start from fresh and tell you the truth
of how I didn't speak to anyone but you
and that was why everything came by
because it was you and it seemed you needed me
and I ended up needing you

I miss you now, everyday, but why
if I never really had you
or did I?
Can someone be of someone?
We were too close, too much
Every second, even if apart
even if in absence
even if in silence

I took everything for myself
because I wanted to remove your pain
as much as it was possible
just dimmed it a little if I could
everyday, every step of the way
wanting to give you strength to carry on
because there will be the time
when you have all your happiness and joy
all back to you
and I'll still be here always rooting for you
in absence, in silence

Those fatal words that were once said to me:
"Love me without me, as I love you without you"
Why does it have to always be this way?
I'll never know, I just wanted to be different this time
because this time there were moments I was really sure
In such a way like I was never before.

Just have to conform myself with the reality of all as always. 

 Can you please tell me once and for all
if this is a cold and broken hallelujah ?

 I'm on again, but should I?

No electricity

 I've got no electricity, everything has been ruined in the house. 

I wanted to keep on accompanying you to give you my energy and good luck as always, but I have given you already everything for you to get it all, I'll keep on doing it always and even though I won't be able to see you thrive even more, I know everything will be okay for you. 

One day you'll probably even settle down with someone and have a child like everyone does, it's always just a matter of time and the hormonal changes kick in and you might feel less anxious about it all. 

I'm really sorry that we didn't get to have it all, the whole world together, but I know everyone is meant to "shine in somebody else's sky". 

You'll be always on my mind. I love you, never forget it, you got it all right there inside you <3

Iron Mind and Heart of Gold

 They tell me I've got an iron mind and a heart of gold,
but lately it's been on so much pressure and heat
that I think the mind became of steel and the heart melted away.

You're everything to me, my utmost priority,
I try to run and hide,
I make an effort to disguise
My head can't stop thinking of you
and my soul keeps completely linked to yours
in what feels like a damnation and a blessing.

 You've hurt me so much
You were so cruel and negligent

I just wanted to stop thinking of you

Every night and every day

If you never cared for me

Why didn't you tell me

In the beginning of it all?

Lie

 Why do we lie?
We lie about who we are 
and we build a lie of ourselves
and what we really feel.

In the end there's nothing
just emptiness 
pure blank
that not all the chaos fills...

Stuck

 I wish I could tell you everything I felt, so you'd know how much I love you, how I didn't deal well with the fact that I've fallen in love with you, and then I was so destroyed when you showed me you didn't care at all about me ...
But I'll never will...
And all this is going to be stuck forever with me. I hope it doesn't grow into a cancer of some sort too...

Pause

 Refocus

Breathe

Stop

If it is a cancer there's nothing you can do.

Loving you, is it a crime? You can tell me if it is.

 So, are you going to go off because of me?
Why won't you tell what's bothering you?
If it's me, go ahead, just tell me already,
I can hear it I guess,
I've been behaving well 
doing what you asked
so am I still the one to blame?

You said that if someone knew you
if someone could say what's the matter
they should tell you,
I could tell you what you show
but will you want to hear it
and hold on and let it all of inside go?

I hope one day you'll make it through,
oh I really really do
because the one thing I want most in life
when I think about it
it comes straight to my mind
is for you to be okay
and I'd do everything I could for you to be okay
if you said it's my fault and that you can't stand me
and you feel bad having me around all the time.

Consumption

 We are consumed till the bone 
with passion, fire and stone
the desire that comes like waves
from the sea that we so much crave
and hope to meet in that shore.

Only Lovers are Left Alive - An essay on Love

After all these years of researching, I think I finally got it. 
Starting with the chemical stimuli of the pleasures center of the brain, that are established since early in life with affection and rewards that one gets from family and surroundings, even associated with objects, animals, images, etc., we amount in ourselves what is to be, in much, the characteristics that will define the person who will seem attractive to us. 

Also with that we have the incredible genes that linger from each generation, plus the immune system that makes you be attracted to someone whose immune system will be compatible with yours to produce stronger offspring. Thus, pheromones induce you into bonding with someone whose ethnicity and origin will be fruitful with yours. 

These are just introductory short notes on a bit of the physiology implied in all the "selection process" that occurs quite unconsciously.

Moving on, there's the whole psychological side. If we were brought up with enough care and attention, or otherwise neglected and harmed. That plays a pivotal part in falling in love with someone in the future, as it will be a result of that mostly. 

What I have concluded in the latest epiphany was that you love someone, because it fulfills a need of yours, and so you develop an emotional dependency towards that person. If someone doesn't need you at all it won't even remember you, because you do not activate any part of the centers of reward/pleasures on its brain and thus no memory was created. The person you fall in love with will necessarily be someone who you (consciously or not) perceive as the one you need to (in order to have good feelings like love itself, joy, pleasure, comfort, security, recognition, fame, or whatever are your primal needs too).

And then, suddenly, of course there is the rarest exception that you might fall in love without finding any trace of all those other listed factors before that lead the whole mankind to fall in love with someone: an inexplicable link, that seems of the soul, before even being born and without wanting or making any sense but this of a more quantum physics issues related.

That might be the only real love in its origin as an atomic cell in the universe.


P.S. Or I might be completely lunatic too, after decades of studying all about it and now having this immeasurable love beyond any logic that has completely baffled me. 
Now from all this one can take its conclusions and say that yes, only lovers are left alive <3

(and thanks so much Yasemin for asking me to write about this topic of Only Lovers are Left Alive)

Ugliness - man with a corpse

 The way I'm ugly
and my skeleton drags itself
like a mummified being
that whose body wasn't informed
that it's not supposed to carry on
I'm not even the Hunchback
or even Mr. Hyde
or nonetheless Frankenstein
I'm just the man who has never been
in complete formation of himself
with purpose to his fellowmen 
Not even my corpse is useful now
I just have to spare the world of it.

 We might be beautiful, but one day we'll all grow old and die.

 I think that by not hating each other and making amends, with no one bossing/oppressing no one, we've just might have broken a kind of karma, something ancestral and a link way beyond our comprehension. 

(if so, or even not, hurray to us for not letting bad feelings and sensations beat us and for overcoming <3)