Death

 Please death, when you finally come, please be swift in taking me, I promise this time I won't fight, I won't hope, as I've got nothing that will give me any hope no more. 

The truth is...

 It's just a matter of time till I catch the virus and die

 Living without you is the hardest thing to do, even when harsh aches disturb my body, there's no comparison to the lack of you.

 Maybe my heart is eternally broken. Who knows?

Slow down, rest, stop.

 Slow down 
Breathe
You're not the town's clown

Rest 
Forget the test
Let someone else do it instead

Stop 
Make it through
Silence is all that will do.

 Mind you, don't believe that people are your friends and they will be there for you only because they told you that. People always change and no one stays backing you, especially when they don't need you anymore. It's always been like this. So it's kind of dumb to have believed otherwise. 

 You are what you see, you see what you are.

 Your whole life, 24/7, is here, among the books, the analog pictures, the good memories you live by, from before all good friends said goodbye in life and death. (2020)

 Everything I tried to do, all I've created, was to try to survive all the violence, the chronic void and unbearable pain that I've had always had to live with and that never leaves when awful things were done to you. (2020)

  I can never put a price on my art, because how can I price a piece of my soul?

 It's hard to get used to the fact that life is so insignificant and petty and small.

 One of the most wrecking things to our interior is when we're obliged to be utterly strong, to do what we haven't got any alternative to escape from. We rise to what we must and then afterwards we're left with nothing but a brittle case of a body and soul.

 20/04/20, 03:55

Enviaste

- Two decades of autoimmunity illnesses preventing contacts and dreams, forbidding life's best treats, stuck in the worst well of ostracism, isolation and confinement, but stubbornly and at the cost of frequent monthly infections I tried, as the Portuguese saying goes "punching the knife's point", to carry on despite the lack of choice. Now, I see people unable to bury their family members, also many of which didn't want to be cremated; most of people having to be . .

Digging and delayering myself, I've found and admitted that I need someone who is innately evolved and heart opened that I can count on and that wants and can take care of me.  After the arduous labour of deconditioning, self-knowledge and ego suppression, maintaining the awakeness and awareness and the permanent process and observing closely when it's so automated it reaches a state of transcendence. And nothing else can really happen to you without you defusing it instantaneously. I guess this is, unknowingly, the main and essential goal of someone who starts to do the necessary change to be a better human.

19/06/2020

I remembered you

 A bird came singing
and I remembered you
The words to each song
they say that you're in love
if the person comes to the mind
all the time when you hear them

A bird stopped singing
I remembered you still
The melodies to each song 
I closed my eyes and imagined
we were dancing holding each other
in a slow swing my feet on yours.

 Remember that when you're lost, it's not that good to search solace with other lost people.
We're all lost, so eventually it's not going to go well, isn't it?

 And I fucking miss you goddammit!

Note to Self!!

 Never again let yourself go with the flow, letting hundreds of people follow you out of nothing, help them all, destroy your own health to help others and all that because you just wanted to help and thought you could keep on giving what everyone needed. 

Just remember who you are and your limits. You're not meant to save everyone, and even if you were, you can't do it anymore, you must stop and return to your isolation. In the end it is who you will always be: a solitude being without anyone who can truly love you and be with you. Because you're ruined for life. Just keep on waiting for death, in quietness. DON'T FORGET TO NOT FALL AGAIN FOR HUMANITY. They're not even deserveful, they're mainly egotistical and consummering. You should learn the lesson once and for all and not forget it again, goddammit!

And also pardon yourself for all that, because you weren't fully aware of what was happening and proportions that it took. And also make peace with the fact that no one loves you for who you truly are also because you're never really anything yourself, you're just what people need you to be in the moment. 

The Love that you got is the Love that you give

 No, that's not true. Just another prêt-a-porter sentence to justify and propagate the guru and coach fashions. 
Question everything, people.
The love that you got inside you is only felt by you and if you feel it for someone and let them know and act on it, by caring and showing it, it's never meaning that you'll get it back in return in terms of someone loving and caring for you. 
So I really don't understand how can people still say that phrase all the time and actually also believe it.  

The only choices I make

 Each time I push someone hard, making them face and put up with what they need to become stronger and develop, to give the necessary leap, I always end with a sense of guilt afterwards. But eventually, as the person does make the leap and the things unfold as they should, I get happy for them, though they become a tad insensitive and more hard. And of course, for me it's always really not good all the process and doing this whole bad (like the worst) guy part.

I have to remind myself from now on to not do it anymore. Even if the person really needs it and is someone that I care for extremely. I must not do anything anymore, because it's a real messed up process and I always end up very badly too. I haven't got no sufficient health anymore for this.

you got what you deserve?? it's all bullcrap, that's what it is; just wake people!

 they say you got what you think you deserve. maybe that's got some truth...
but it's all still just a big injustice when some are loved and praised and others who deserve it aren't given the same care. 
so yeah, it's always the same shit. 
people make injustices everyday.
and no one gives a fuck about no one, not really, just to fulfill their needs and vanity.

I've been tired of this polluted humanity since I was a kid. Observing all this has been quite a torment. Trying to change it somehow, if only a bit, has been extremely tiresome. All the violence it strips me from my most humane feelings and leaves me so exhausted and ran over.

 Too many times I wished I was on a private island...

Nothing makes sense, how everything makes the same sense

 The same relation with history, music and football and ancestry and complex craziness and allure for others in them all. Will never understand how. Without me knowing at first. 

 When you got no one who loves you, your heart begins to shrivel and die. 

Dedicated to You - John Coltrane

 If I should write a book for you

That brought me fame and fortune too,
That book would be,
Like my heart and me,
Dedicated to you.

And if I should paint a picture too
That showed the loveliness of you,
My art would be,
Like my heart and me,
Dedicated to you.

To you,
Because your love is the beacon that lights up my way.
To you,
Because with you I know a lifetime could be just one heavenly day.

If I should find a twinkling star,
One half as wondrous as you are,
That star would be
Like my heart and me,
Dedicated to you.

To you,
Because your love is the beacon that lights up my way.
To you,
Because with you I know a lifetime could be just one heavenly day.

If I should find a twinkling star,
One half as wondrous as you are,
That star would be
Like my heart and me,
Dedicated to you.

 See the cigar that you smoked
and the toilet paper that you discarded?
They were both used by you and discarded,
but only one made you badly. 

Sometimes it gets really hard to have compassion for humans, like in "forgive them, lord, for they do not know what they're doing" :||

 It's really a horror to think of the atrocities that men commit just in order to fulfil they lust. They take advantage of single-moms, force themselves into women, etc., anyway, don't even want to think about it anymore. It's just a horror. And a sadness. A profound sadness. 

Just another irony of life

 The fact that nobody loves me as I am is precisely what gives me freedom to die.

Why was I born - sung by Frank Sinatra

 Why was I born? Why am I livin'?

What do I get? What am I givin'?
Why do I want a thing I daren't hope for?
What can I hope for? I wish I knew

Why do I try to draw you near me?
Why do I do I cry? You never hear me
I'm a poor fool, but what can I do?
Why was I born to love you?

I'm a poor fool, but what can I do?
Why was I born to love you?

Emptiness

 Sometimes emptiness fills me
like a balloon inflated on my chest
but it doesn't make my body float
on the other hand it weighs heavily
makes me hunch of anguish 

Nothing can make it go away now
I just have to wait until I notice it's gone
but as always it won't be entirely missing
it will just lurk behind my lungs
resting a little just to come back again
and take all the air I ever had.

Pitiful is the word

 I got myself thinking again about how mediocre people are when they think they're better than others and can exclude them without even questioning themselves if they ever wanted or needed to be included at first.  Just to suppose that if people wanted they wouldn't be is self explanatory fo the pitiful minds. Very kindergarden level and KKK. Even talking about it is such a primary dumb thing, one doesn't even know where to begin with.

 Then, I remembered that old saying of "depression" is for white rich people that don't have to worry if they're going to have food to eat and give their children tomorrow. And people that have no choice, because their lack of conditions doesn't allow them to care about even serious illnesses, let alone other issues less worrisome. 

I still hope it has all just been a psychological evaluation paperwork. Lol 

I still praise and glorify my lonely wolves pack R and C, so fucking rock! <3

 I don't want to seek anything
I just want to go back to before
when I finally got some peace of mind
in terms of not questioning everything
all the time in this vain and pointless turmoil

I want to be abducted
into space far away

maybe just go deep into the ocean
and rest.

Sweet Jane - The Cowboy Junkies / Velvet Underground

 Anyone who's ever had a heart

Wouldn't turn around and break it
And anyone who's ever played a part
Wouldn't turn around and hate it
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane

You're waiting for Jimmy down in the alley
Waiting there for him to come back home
Waiting down on the corner
And thinking of ways to get back home
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane

Anyone who's ever had a dream
Anyone who's ever played a part
Anyone who's ever been lonely
And anyone who's ever split apart
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane

Heavenly widened roses
Seem to whisper to me when you smile
Heavenly widened roses
Seem to whisper to me when you smile

Sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane

All I wanted now

 "Don't Talk (Put Your Head On My Shoulder)" - The Beach Boys

I can hear so much in your sighs
And I can see so much in your eyes
There are words we both could say
But don't talk, put your head on my shoulder

Come close, close your eyes and be still
Don't talk, take my hand and let me hear your heart beat
Being here with you feels so right
We could live forever tonight
Lets not think about tomorrow
And don't talk put your head on my shoulder

Come close, close your eyes and be still
Don't talk, take my hand and listen to my heart beat
Listen, listen, listen.

Don't talk, put your head on my shoulder
Don't talk, close your eyes and be still
Don't talk, put your head on my shoulder
Don't talk, close your eyes and be still
Don't talk, put your head on my shoulder

 It's moments like these that I needed you, to be able to talk and count with you, especially because you've been through something alike with your friends' baby. But I can't even speak with you. I miss you so much right now, because you were the only one that could make it better by just being there for me. Everything went to hell really. ;(

 I'm giving up now.

Remember: you were everyone's lucky charm

 Remember how you'd go inside an empty store and immediately people would come in?
Remember how everyone talked to you on the street to know things?
Remember how everyone asked you for everything and advice?
Remember how everyone since a child to bigger people would be luckier since they've met you?
All the energy you focused in all the people made them luckier, it has always been like this since you were a kid. So yeah, just forgive yourself for what happened of one time in life with only that one person, already, and try to move on. Please, do it, because it's corroding your inside still. 

(sometimes I wish I could scream really high because it gets unbearable, and I feel like I'm dying even faster, for being despised by him still)

How could you give so much of yourself to others if you were empty?

 How could you give so much when you didn't have anything?
I guess you were just giving what you saw in each and everyone of them. 
And still, from the emptiness, the ashes, you did rise and gather some strength to give joy and love to others. What a beautiful creature you turned out to be. Not the crow at all, but again a pretty phoenix. 

You had lost everything, the ones you loved so much and were accustomed to for so many years everyday in contact, but then you reinvented yourself as once before. Oh girl, you really fought your way out, grabbed to anything you could, and so much that meanwhile you found out!

I'm glad you pulled yourself together somehow. It's really hard to carry on most of the times and you made it through once more. Probably just to fall down the hill again in a while, but I can tell you're actually becoming a pro climber as you recover faster each time you fall. 

That ability of being the observer, even when you're completely numb, still being able to see the spark in others and not being able to be without making something for someone who is downtrodden too, that was what made you rise to the situations this time. 
It was Love, in the end it was Love, for others, that saved you too. 

Are we part of the answer or are we part of who's doing wrong?

 Artists... guess what? All egotistical fakes and phoneys.  Believe you me, it takes one to know.

It has come to me the fact that artists build their worlds around themselves and make so many youngsters try to mimic them, everyone wants to be famous and a star. All the frustration and lost dreams, all the expectations and heartbreak...

"you're just a clown" wanting to "wear a bigger crown".

Not to talk about all the impact on the environment itself, all the travels by so many means, the crowds and the consumption, the venues, the festivals, not to talk about all that comes with the pack of evasion...

It really broke something in me to get to know all this. I guess that whole idea of artists being the benefactors of mankind went down the hole. 

Our broken hearts

 Remember how we've both got broken hearts and memories?
I used to make everyone laugh and you too, but what's inside of us no one could guess. 
We've pushed through so hard, some days it was easier, we seemed so pumped up by ourselves and everyone around us...

Probably you don't see it this way. You only see the bad aspects that you said. How could you reduce it all to that, I still can't tell. 

I've realized so much in between, so much of myself, so much of you too that I did not know and maybe I thought I did. Still don't know anything. I guess I never will.

You were always a fighter and your constant complaining gets you all the support and care from everyone. I should have known that before, I shouldn't have believed when your friends told me you needed me. Or even you, for that matter. I should have known I'd be discarded too, no matter what, from the beginning; I mean, you do look like one of those old bullies back from high school... And you even have the same name as someone from back then. Someone that I used to love too, but not in a physical way. 

History repeats too often. It gets too tiresome. They all say the heart is an elastic muscle but though it gets to survive and include new people, the elastic gets loose too.

Humans have short memories, soon enough they forget everything and return to their hamster wheel. No one ever changes deeply, to a contrary state of who they were, and become more conscious and more responsible.

 You're never alone, I'm always with you

And you're always on my mind,
sometimes it get too much lololl

But it's all we've got :)

 What if you love me too?
Then why won't you show it to me?

I've changed again

 My love is gone
My heart is broken
I've realized the illusion
I've let deception break it
Your attitudes made it
Just like in every other case
The story repeats
A great lesson remains
And I feel more ready now.

 Can one die of unrequited love? 

Together but apart

Though we're always together
We're always apart
And I miss you like crazy sometimes
But there's nothing I can do.

My life means nothing without you
Because you're the missing part
The breath of joy and love and the flame
That makes it all worth it.

It hurts being like this so far
My chest aches for not having yours
My words are meaningless 
For so much that I feel for you.

I wish you felt it too,
not the aching part though
but I guess it comes in the pack
with all this immeasurable  loving.

 Reach out to your darkness, try to see its origin and nurture it like it's what she has never had to begin with and therefore she is, all of these feelings and sensations: ache, sorrow, decadence, jealousy, envy, greed, gluttony, lust, luxury, loneliness, vice, wrath, sloth, pride, vengeance, angriness, shame, guilt, fear, grief, despair, depression, doubt, frustration, evilness, loss, hate, deception, fatigue, heartbrokenness, complaints, discouragement, alienation, fury, offense, rage, powerlessness, numbness, overwhelmingness, rejection, negation, stressfulness, aggressiveness, repugnancy, preoccupation, lifelessness, uselessness, weariness, worthlessness, disappointment, bitterness, wrongness, cowardice, anguish... and so on.

(written some months ago on Instagram with my picture of hand and its shadow almost touching)

 Why did we love each other in silence, are we mute or deaf?