Nobody knows anything anyway

 No one has any idea about my real state and though I have started to disclose some aspects like the high probability of my demise being this year, no one knows anything about the real extent of the damage and what I have been through these last years. 

I never met anyone truly caring and strong enough to deal with what implies being in contact with me. I thought he was a brave and strong person, but soon enough realized that he was not, he was even quite a weak and coward one that simply avoided reality and as I didn't want to be a drag I just stayed in a relationship for so many years being completely all by myself physically when I was more sick and needing care. And even so, with the distance and all, it seemed a marriage at the same being in contact everyday although only being together few days a month. And I was thankful that it was like that, even, because I could never impose my presence for too long or be in a place too long, or seeing someone feeling sad for me. All goes back to my whole life of being treated like a nuisance with all the illnesses by my family. 

I wish I could have loved people that wanted to be with me for real in their homes and lives., that really cared for me when I was down. Let someone truly take care of me for a change, I never knew how to let that happen, always told them it was okay for them to go out or whatever, and leave me when I was sick, there was never one person I asked to stay.

I guess that know that I am more aware of everything and more mature, knowing what I need truly, maybe I could've changed my defensive idiotic behaviour. But now it's all too late, though it's good to have clarity about stuff that happened all my life. 

Trusting someone is always risky anyway. I could never count with anyone so it's only natural that I don't trust anyone. 

Unfortunately the gut feeling is always right and I have been ignoring it all my life and paying the price for it.