I am in love with you

Like the songs are loved by birds

And the sunsets are the sea's lovers

Book

If you want my book "To Love" : https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09WYVJQQ2/

 Funny, I thought of me dying and what came to my mind last was you, probably because of us dating for so many years. 

I don't even know who I loved more in this life but you were the one I loved and was with for the longest time. 

 It is much easier to say goodbye when someone dies, when you already said goodbye before.

 Sometimes I really regret crossing path with you, I should've stayed put like I was, self-ostracized like I made myself for so long, not dragging anyone into my death. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I never meant for anyone to suffer more. 

Now that I'm dying...

 ... I'm just glad for you that I loved more than life and that we're apart, because it's made for you not to suffer as you would if you still liked me very much. But on the other hand I'm just angry I had no good chance in this life of having good conditions to even see what I would choose if I was given the opportunity to do it. 

I have loved you so fucking much. I am sorry I wasn't the one for you and you weren't the one I thought you were. I am sorry that no one was. It is true, life does suck, it sucked me dry, and then you die.

It was just a dream

 We held each other today...

But it was just a dream

That made me hope

You would be better today

Now I miss you even more.

If you don't love me

 If you do not love me anymore, you should tell me, though hearing the words is the most painful thing in the world and last time (and only time) I heard them I also heard my heart break. 

Should I tell you?

 You have no idea of how much I love you, otherwise you would probably start existing. I don't know if I should tell you. 

 This long-time depression is killing me too.

For you

 I wanted to be for you the most beautiful poem you've ever read.

 If these are my last times on this Earth it could at least now give me a break from all the shit I have to suffer all my life, no??

Everything has gone to shit

 Life is hard and then you die, but I tried to enjoy the ride, though I couldn't because I did not even get some change to put in the slot...

 Today I got audio messages asking me "sorry", a girl who was a bit harsh on me for no reason really, not understanding my illness condition. It got me thinking if you needed me to say sorry vocally. Or would it be a nuisance, since I know it's not something that is to be apologized. 
When it comes to you I believe it is nice to leave you be at peace, as you want. But I wish I knew for sure. I would do anything to see you with no hurt, especially because of me.

What am I to do now?

 What am I to do without the people I loved the most? 

No joy or happiness can come now, no sparkle of life, no flame in my wounded heart and my ragged soul. 

Fatalism is real in some cases

 When you lost the person that you love the most on your own account and feel depressed and guilty and unworthy for so long, either you stay still like a couch potato or you try to distract yourself, but both things don't make it feel any better. Deep inside there's this massive ache and will to die just because you got no hope. No hope for love, for health and the end of the pandemic or whatever will work to improve in anything your life that isn't going to be worse or go wrong.