Mistakes

 "Mistakes don't define you, they refine you", that's nice to have read and yes, I have learned a lot.

My life has been

 I've suffered everyday of my life because of the violence people did to me and I couldn't have the conditions necessary to be free of all that and live a happy life doing what I wanted.

I sacrificed my life for what I thought was necessary, causes greater than me, because I didn't come to life willingly so I just made everything according to the noblest principles I could.

The fundamental goals in life

 .. should be: 

love your body, mind and soul absolutely and take care of them

not let your mistakes or aches paralyze you; process and learn better about the root of them and to not have them again

achieve conditions for being free, loved and joyful with a stress-free life, utmost balanced 

I guess I died too many times

 I guess I died too many times 

for you to notice 

and everytime I survived 

I never showed this

You told "but you're always dying"

as it didn't matter at all to you

and I got shocked, quit trying 

to make you hold me

I don't want you in my life 

You were never paradise

You were just one of the worsts 

I've encountered along the course

But now I'm through 

I've done my due

You're not worth it 

I told you and I made it go away

 I told you that I loved you when I didn't know how much I loved you and didn't even think of how I would feel awful if I lost you. 

I then I made it worse as told you I was in love with you. 

And all that just to make you go away and set you free from me. 

It's indeed as Chaplin said and it's all looking quite ridiculous now.

 When you can think of the people you most loved and that abandoned you, without feeling hurt or sad or having a will to cry, you'll be cured from all those mf. 👌🏾👌🏾

now i know whom I belong to

 I belong to myself.

 I MISS YOU SO FCKNG MUCH, AGAIN :|

 I don't love anyone anymore 

it's been a long time since

because there's no one

that could ever fit

when I went kamikaze on us

 I made it in a way that you wouldn't be able to miss me, think of me, or even think of forgiving me and coming back. I made it in a way that the hurt and the turmoil was so unbearable that you wouldn't be able to forget the pain and disturbance more than you would be able to remember the love. But thus did I destroy the love absolutely? Not on my end, as I still feel it everyday with the same feeling of immensity. 

 I live in hell and you're my paradise that I long for everyday and everynight.

 would you really take care of me if I'd let you, my love?

I could really let myself go now. I need you. I'm sorry I never admitted it fully. I thought needing someone wasn't love. but it's not only needing, it's mostly being completely and madly in love with you, loving you and wanting you near all the time. 

I'm sick in bed right now. I wish you would return to me and tell me you want to take me with you to never part again. 

You're everything I want. You're everything I need. 

Breakfast at Tiffany's

  I haven't seen you in so long, or so it seems to me. 

I finally saw Breakfast at Tiffany's again, after all these years. It was an outdoor movie session and before there was a duo singing some iconic songs. I couldn't resist recording them playing Moonriver of course. I couldn't resist recording it when the scene was on too. Audrey immaculate. 🥺❤️

I wonder if you would commit a minor theft with me, like that scene where they robbed the masks, so free and playful. Or, I wondered, if you'd be a blunt coward like that José Silva Pereira character. You know how I don't like spineless men. And you know how I love you. Well, you think it isn't love but a disease, right? Yes, I was indeed turned into a crazy person when my brain fell in love with you, a whirlwind of passion never before seen. 

I wonder if you're getting married soon. Or even if you have had a child. A big part of me wished that all this wasn't true and that you were marrying me instead just like in her dream. 😄 It was all so crazy, wasn't it? I'm sorry that I made it even more crazy now. I don't even know if you know anything. 

For a wild thing like me, a jailed little animal, that never could be owned or belonged to anyone, I know I fell on you all's trap. My heart belongs to you all and my mind is always with you. 

That ending scene always gets me, hard in every way. I've been lost all my life. I couldn't trust in anyone to take me finally home. But I feel you all are my home. And I'll always be homeless without you. Now I know to whom I belong.

 From the hollowness of my soul

to the bound of my mind 

I will love you 

beyond the end of time.

(written on insta with sky and clouds pic on 2017)

Memory

 Will we ever forget how bad we felt, how painful and troubled it was for us? Will we ever just remember the good things?

 Can't we just be friends again?

Sonnet: Paths to Nowhere

 Shadows of who they used to be,

painted on the walls of the paths

that they didn't take or see

when there were no maps.

//

One of these days they'll be gone,

everything will come to an end,

there will be no green lawn,

no more gifts and kisses to send

//

And then where you may go

There won't be any directions 

As the void has no selections 

//

So any path you take to show

that you do it because you dare 

It won't really lead you anywhere.

(9th July 2017)

So sorry.

 I wish I could have loved you truly and not only because of all the dire circumstances. I'm sorry. And for all the hurt. I really wish I had never come into this life, into this world, where everything is so wrong and I can't seem to make anything right. 

Love

 Do you still believe in a love that lasts forever? "Yes", I remember you answering this question, talking about family love and how love is a construction and before you said you didn't believe in soulmates that would be people who are perfect for each other in every detail, physically and mentally. 

You believed in ours? Ever? Because it was an abstract thing? Yes, me too. Not being something materialized but only remaining in the realms of feelings and ideas. 

Are we all just a thought away from each other? How does everyone know when you're thinking of that someone if no one tells it anymore? 

I realised, hearing a psychologist, that my limitative beliefs make me stuck on my spiral of fear, anxiety, guilty, all because of my fear of commitment, the vulnerability and fear of the physical symptoms that I get from my blood and hormones illnesses, plus all the layers of relationships with their emotional responsibilities.

Just love isn't enough for men, as they always seem to have to act on it and me appearing frail they always inflate their egos with the hero complex.

So, once again we reach to all the same conclusions about love being only a mix of chemical, physical and pre-programmed conditioning of ours. Nothing new to see here. 

(and, of course, I'm still hung up on you)

Promise me - Beverly Craven

You light up another cigarette
and I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light
now I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night

You look like you're in another world
but I can read your mind
how can you be so far away
lying by my side
when I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon

When I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home
Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon.

 No one is ready for what is coming.

I know now...

 ... that you two aren't coming back to me. And that's okay. Because the moments of our biggest love for each other were then and probably couldn't ever be the least  replicated. 

I'll keep on loving you, my girl and my boy, in a sleepy kind of way, where the love is dormant and resigned when I see at night that the sky is damp reddish, and briefly and lightly kissed when I look high at the sky. 

It was a beautiful, immense love for much time, ours.