I wasn't made to live

 I wasn't made to live
It all seems so in vain
Same old routines
Same old things

I wanted to give you love
The greatest love everyday
Take away the pain

But I shouldn't love anyone

I shouldn't be friends too

Not only because I'm dying

As I'm also unable to talk

Or get close without symptoms

What have I done?

Amazingly I was happier before

Or at least didn't suffer as much.

 How can you miss someone so fucking much?

 Who would've said that my best relationship with someone is with a person that ignores me everyday, thankfully... :)

Nobody knows anything anyway

 No one has any idea about my real state and though I have started to disclose some aspects like the high probability of my demise being this year, no one knows anything about the real extent of the damage and what I have been through these last years. 

I never met anyone truly caring and strong enough to deal with what implies being in contact with me. I thought he was a brave and strong person, but soon enough realized that he was not, he was even quite a weak and coward one that simply avoided reality and as I didn't want to be a drag I just stayed in a relationship for so many years being completely all by myself physically when I was more sick and needing care. And even so, with the distance and all, it seemed a marriage at the same being in contact everyday although only being together few days a month. And I was thankful that it was like that, even, because I could never impose my presence for too long or be in a place too long, or seeing someone feeling sad for me. All goes back to my whole life of being treated like a nuisance with all the illnesses by my family. 

I wish I could have loved people that wanted to be with me for real in their homes and lives., that really cared for me when I was down. Let someone truly take care of me for a change, I never knew how to let that happen, always told them it was okay for them to go out or whatever, and leave me when I was sick, there was never one person I asked to stay.

I guess that know that I am more aware of everything and more mature, knowing what I need truly, maybe I could've changed my defensive idiotic behaviour. But now it's all too late, though it's good to have clarity about stuff that happened all my life. 

Trusting someone is always risky anyway. I could never count with anyone so it's only natural that I don't trust anyone. 

Unfortunately the gut feeling is always right and I have been ignoring it all my life and paying the price for it. 

Passing by

 Let the years pass by

Who the fuck cares

I'm completely alone

Nothing really matters

Everyday is forgettable

 To know that I am going to perish this year makes me sad, but a bit relieved to think that the hell I lived everyday in this life will finally end.

 I miss you so much I could die.

Note to everyone 2

 All the support and work we put in to help someone shows that we love them. Life is only worth it if you have love, so make it worth it.

And if no one falls in love completely and utterly for you it's okay, don't ever forget that.

Note to everyone

 Never have a boyfriend that is also your best friend, because when you lose your boyfriend and he gets a new girlfriend you'll lose your best friend too, even if you were together for years.

I need a lobotomy

 You are in my f*cking head all the time. I've been missing you everyday.