Lullaby of autumn leaves

The crushing of the dried autumn leaves,
beneath my feet, were my only happy sound
my heart buckled in a tight sorrow
trees lose all their leaves every year
and I didn't get anyone to call my own. 

Feb. 2021

 When you face your own death too many times a day, does it ever become easier and uneventful in terms of thought? 

Pressure

How do you think you'd be if I didn't do all that precisely when you were going through the other parting? 

There's that saying "if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen", but isn't it by being in the kitchen that one can improve its ability to stand the heat? 

Let's see now how you've improved so much in all that and you became so much stronger. I already saw it and got proud of you. I think you're going just fine. Probably much better than me despite my adrenal fatigue problem. 

Godspeed, you little god boy of mine. 

Never better

 When your mind is sane 
everything else is on the game
functioning like an on-time train

For the first time my conscious
and everything in-between
is now unraveled as much as never
and I can now make a choice

I choose not to choose
this time with more certainty 
of consciousness and choice itself
and not just by fear or a mere whim  

I choose that I want to embrace all
whatever is to come
and I'll deal and take it as it comes
because before I couldn't choose 
just for the fact that I thought I couldn't

This time I choose something good
something really really good
but not exactly anything 
that I can point out specifically 
So I'll just leave to what's to come.

Lost and Confused

What to do when we're lost and confused?
Search for answers?
Stray away from questioning?

I got my two feet on the ground
but they're not lightly there
though sometimes they float

I wish you would tell me that you never loved me
that I was never you love confusion
just to see if my love for you would cease 
if it's possible to have an end
I really just don't understand
nothing really makes sense to me
though the feeling is so strong sometimes
that it overwhelms me to the point I'm no longer me
I'm just someone who is you and you are me
mirror to mirror
nothing more to understand or question
it just is

So please tell just that
if you can ever tell the truth to me
in some way...
Would you do that?

Tides or not...

 Here it is again
the water that came into my eyes
because I choked while drinking it
but before I was listening
to the song that means so much
and after of course I cried again
for this love that doesn't end
the realization that it's here rooted
deep inside this hurt of lost
of missing you
of needing to live in your hug.

Even before when I taking a shower
I was already struggling
thinking why can't I just stop talking 
to you mentally
why can't I just be like yesterday
all joyous almost normal
even thought I was too resolved
and too focused now.

What a lie. Soon enough I see
everything again 
all the feeling deeply lodged 
surfacing around all over
out of the blue
just leaving me without a clue.

(and  writing listening to here she is again - leah free)

Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones

 Childhood living

Is easy to do
The things you wanted
I bought them for you

Graceless lady
You know who I am
You know I can't let you
Slide through my hands

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer
A dull aching pain
Now you've decided
To show me the same

No sweeping exit
Or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter
Or treat you unkind

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn't drag me away

I know I've dreamed you
A sin and a lie
I have my freedom
But I don't have much time

Faith has been broken
Tears must be cried
Let's do some living
After we die

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
We'll ride them some day

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
We'll ride them some day

Maybe, I don't know...

 It feels I'm doing everything wrong, though I ask myself why am I doing anything at all. That same wish for nothingness comes by. Maybe I'm just tired and want to make a change again. Or maybe I'm returning to old habits, or maybe I'm just craving for explosion and release and to blow up and finally go outside amidst pandemic terror. 

I don't know. Again. Maybe I just have to go back to basics. Or maybe I just carry on doing the newly found approach of trying really hard not to think anything bad and choose healing from everything. 

Don't wanna choose. Why do I have so much trouble to choose? Always reminds me of the quote of Trainspotting and also the core of Mr. Nothing, so why should ?

It's the kind of thing that we should be solving together or getting more confused about together too. I really wanted to know how, if at all, you've been feeling about me all this time.

 Sometimes I get to this undeniable realization that every human is just a degenerated and perverted individual. 

Moon River - Henry Mancini and Johnny Mercer

 Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end
Waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend
Moon river and me