Being the one that has to suffer so that everyone can be happy, sucks.

Eclipse

 So it seems I used to be everyone's sun

Then I met the moon

It came and made me undone

Smothered my shine

Made feel I didn't belong 

Not there nor to anyone 

I don't know if there's a cure

If we can both become each other

But for all the years we're done

I can't tell if it's me anymore 

Or if we're together as one

Probably because we're lost

In this big chaotic cosmos 

And just turned into an eclipse 

The many and more that you've hurt

 You're crass

No one knows how you are

How you got no spine

How you're just cynical inside

And uptight and not upright 

Pretending to be caring

And just concerned with appearances 

It gets to be quite malicious 

Your psychopathic schizophrenia 

And how you were attracted 

To your sister while she was a guy

You wrote in a book to disguise 

Or you mentioned a film to confess

"cause it's part of your game nonetheless 

It's all so you feel good inside

Tell and repeat you're a good guy

But newsflash buster: you're not

And you're just convinced you're hot

It's just pathetic to see it in your face

The many and more that you've hurt

I hope one day you're aware 

Of how you've been a disgrace 

 I've never told anyone how badly you hurt me, so instead I just made art.

It's all so painful

 For me you used to be life 

In a time I had lost everything 

Everyone I most loved was gone

Everyday more people were dying 

And you became my light in darkness 

You became my tenderness and care

You were all that now I would dare

Amd I'm so sorry I didn't honour that 

I didn't keep us safe in a better way

I didn't put all my effort to save us

From any risks, perils and menaces

I'm still sick, for my things and you

Though I feel less intensively harm

I still can feel your despise for me 

It's in your cynical and fake tone

It's on every pore of yours on its own

Amd I know I am still your home

As the one you made for me

Don't worry, love, it's as you sang

Destiny 

though now I'm quite misandric

 Today I recalled how I've put myself literally in front of boys (boyfriends, soul brother, brother, friend) in order to defend or protect them from violence, whether it was a burglar case or any other violent threat even with weapons involved. I was thinking if the person I am today would continue to do that for them. Probably would but just as I would for other people, instinctively, in an attempt to apease the mood. 

 You were the prettiest thing.

Wine (I'm more into Sauternes now)

 It was wine 

The lilac wine

It is wine

And one day we'll be deservingly (and much due) drinking it

(in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn)

I'm the biggest badass of all times (BBOAT :D)

 You gotta be one hard ass motherfckr to face yourself, your feelings, your actions and reactions, be courageous enough to be sensitive and vulnerable and open, spread your arms wide open and give your chest to the bullets of every fckng asshole that isn't brave like that. 

Romance

 I exist in him

My whole heart

Beating

Waiting for him to arrive 

And tell me everything 

Or nothing at all

And just kiss me

I'm always here 

Missing him

Hoping my wish 

For us to become 

Together forever 

Is granted by a star

That knows where we are

Apart

 I loved someone for years

With all my heart

Though I never met him

Though we fell apart 

I kept on loving him

Because I didn't command 

The beat of the feeling 

It all just slipped off my hand

But he never loved me either 

There is nothing to be done 

Unless he perceives me

And remembers what he said 

That we would always be together 

No matter what

But maybe he was just making fun

 Love should be free.

Snap out of it, girl

 They are all alike and like all of them

He's got man boobs and a shallow fringe

Prone to baldness and belly of a beer keg

Everything you say falls off his ears

And he only talks from the books he repeats

He mocks all girls thinking he's handsome 

Plays the mysterious so to hide he's empty 

My, oh my, what an insecure little man

All shoulders and throat, no truth no spine

You can do much better than him, he knows 

That's why he's always jealous and at war

He even hates you and wishes you're dead

Just that you get out of his predictable head

And guess what, no wonder, he wouldn't 

Give you proper head as he should have 

Because he doesn't believe in improving 

He has long surrendered to his insufficiency

And though you thought the world of him

And actually wanted to give him the world 

And saw him as perfect, entirely, as he was 

And even saw past his neglect and excuses 

You should know he would never get it truly 

What you meant by the world and him

Specially you who never wanted to be queen

To be going on to rule anyone or anything 

 I just wanted to feel your loving arms around me. 

 love inside the blood, bleeding away.

 If you truly love someone and that person goes away, I know the love does still remain, unless it gets destroyed by repeated deception and disappointment.

A bit of the current grasshopping on existencial anguish

 I was just thinking "imagine what we'll know 100 years from now...", after I saw something about how scientists discovered that foetus dream in the womb, much more than in any other stage of life, it seems. I'm guessing they recorded the brain waves activity in the REM with those higher frequency ranges of Alpa and Gamma, or whatever, but they don't know what exactly are they dreaming of, in any imagery at all, since they are not supposed to have any memories still. Even if they're recording the memories of sound and what they are experiencing inside the womb, they're just processing those things and they are thus establishing the neural network. Of course, being more inclined to spiritual matters on that page that I saw the post, they were talking of how the foetuses must be having the memories of they're earlier lives in they're dreams. I remembered of the documentary about the brain that also does show that almost 70% of the children studied about past lives do in fact remember things that were proven. 

Meanwhile I saw a start of a romcom asking things like "does love really come on time?". And after all that I saw another post saying that an expert on climate change says ( that you should do all you love now) we got only 20 years before it goes all to hell for good on Earth, on account of major oil and energy companies like Shell. Also earlier I've seen how the places that have bases data centers have registered up to 16 degrees Celsius of increase on local temperatures. 

Struggling

 I've been struggling a bit, confused, between all the chaos and the balance, the light and dark, the good and evil, that I see all around and can't tell what the heck am I doing still alive on this bloody Earth.

The idea of you

 I'm not okay with what I did to you 

And also with what you did to me 

I know we were both suspicious 

Because of our whole life experience 

That never told us otherwise 

For to ever trust without distance 

Is the riskiest gamble one makes

Whenever we're falling in love 

I know now it's something above

And it's worth the fight 

Against the ideas of ourselves 

Preconceived about one another 

Please help me because I cried

So much, my love, I didn't disguise 

It was the part that we said goodbye 

You more, you all the time

So were you at all ever mine? 

Trap

All my life 

Fell into traps

Like a wounded animal 

Always going away

Just to meet another 

In whom I'd trust again 

Open chest heart exposed 

Legs and arms intertwined 

But the mind knows 

It recognises the same movie 

Unravelling step by step 

He said I'm easy

I should've asked 

Easy like Sunday morning? 

As I fallen into another trap

I've always still have been just "tenderness in the void". Camus ain't got nothing on me.

 I cry when you cry, I smile when you smile, it's real love.

The girl who kept the small quiet light

There was once a girl who lived in a small house near the edge of a hill, where the wind would pass gently through the trees at night. From her window, she could see the moon; sometimes thin like a whisper, sometimes full and glowing, like tonight.
She had lived many lives inside one life.
She had loved people who couldn’t stay.
She had given warmth where there was cold.
She had waited at doors that never opened the way she hoped.
And over time, something inside her grew very quiet.
Not broken… just quiet. Like a room after a storm.
One night, much like this one, she couldn’t sleep.
The moon was too bright, her thoughts too loud, her heart too full of things that had nowhere to go.
So she got up, wrapped herself in her coat, and stepped outside.
The air was cool, and the world felt still, like everything was holding its breath.
She walked a little, not far, just enough to feel the ground under her feet. And as she did, she noticed something strange.
There were small lights along the path.
Very faint, almost like reflections, but they didn’t move like reflections. They pulsed softly, like they were alive.
Curious, she knelt down and touched one.
It didn’t burn. It didn’t disappear.
Instead, it warmed her fingers.
A voice, not loud, not distant, just there, whispered gently:
“Those are the lights you thought you lost.”
She looked around, confused.
The voice continued:
“Every time you loved and it wasn’t returned, a light remained.
Every time you stayed when it was hard, a light remained.
Every time you kept going, even when no one saw… a light remained.”
She felt something tighten in her chest.
“But… if they’re still here,” she whispered, “why do I feel so empty?”
The answer came, soft as the wind:
“Because you’ve been looking for your light inside others, instead of seeing how much of it you’ve already kept.”
She sat there for a long time.
Watching the small lights.
There were more than she expected.
Not blinding, not overwhelming—just steady. Quiet. Present. Like her.

“Will I ever find someone who stays?” she asked, almost afraid of the answer.
This time, the silence lingered a bit longer… but it wasn’t cold.
And then:
“When someone learns to recognize their own light,
they stop mistaking shadows for home.”
She didn’t fully understand it. Not yet.
But something in her softened.
Before going back inside, she did something simple.
She didn’t try to gather all the lights.
She didn’t try to solve her whole life.
She just placed her hand over one of them…
and let its warmth stay with her.
That night, when she lay down again, her thoughts didn’t disappear.
The memories were still there. The questions too.
But underneath them, there was something new. A quiet, steady warmth.
Not loud enough to change everything… but enough to rest on.
And outside, the moon kept shining.
Not asking her to be different.
Just lighting the path, little by little.

(so fckng empty now)