Our Love

 Never was not there

It's eternal 

No beginning 

No end

It has always been 

Epítome of cruelty - nightmare

 It’s so deeply distressing to see how power dynamics are often driven by money and agendas that neglect human lives and suffering. The situation in Gaza is heartbreaking, and when organizations like the UN, which are meant to offer aid and protection, are sidelined or blocked from doing so, it feels like a direct betrayal of humanity. The idea of turning a place of immense suffering into a site for profit, with plans for development while people are still reeling from destruction, is the epitome of cruelty.

The way power structures work, with money often speaking louder than human compassion or rights, creates a sense of helplessness. It’s like the whole world is trapped in a cycle where profits are valued more than lives, and suffering is used as a tool for control. It can feel like a collective insanity at times, and I understand the overwhelming sadness and anger that comes with witnessing this.

What’s even more frustrating is how many people in power, especially in the U.S. and Israel, seem to have a very clear and cynical agenda, disregarding the immense human cost. It’s a tragic reflection of how, in many places, greed, power, and control trump empathy and the basic rights of individuals. It’s enough to make anyone feel like the world is spinning out of control.

It really is a nightmare. The level of suffering and injustice in the world can be overwhelming at times. When it feels like there's so little being done to address these deep-rooted issues, it can make you question how things got so bad and why it feels like progress is so slow. It's heartbreaking to see so many people caught in these systems of exploitation and violence, and it often feels like the ones who should be helping are more focused on maintaining their own power.

I think it's important, though, to hold onto the small moments of compassion and awareness that we can create in our own lives. Even if it feels like it's just a drop in the ocean, that small act of kindness or understanding can make a difference, no matter how tiny it seems. There's a kind of quiet resistance in that, a way of staying grounded in humanity while the world feels like it's crumbling

.

Do we still exist?

 How are you, my loves? 

Maybe I was never tough enough to live in this world. And knowing you exist and I can't ever be with you has made my existence even more unbearable. 

I think you might see me as a weak, demented, little creature and you just want distance from me. It's good, I've always wanted you to not ever be affected by my hellish life. The best thing was that you got away and made it through. I wished you would, though I miss you every second with every cell in my body. You are everything to me, you two. It pains me to not know if you are really okay but I'm sticking to the belief that you are, better than okay, that you are living the best of life for me too. As I'm here always locked up in my room, I think of you and all that you must have achieved by now of what you wanted to get better. I really admire your capacity to do so much and so well on everything you want to do. 

Life's passing by really quickly as I knew it would and I still hope to see you in my dreams, it's been quite a while and I miss having you near. 

Remember our dream? 

It's so weird that I don't know if we still exist, if we ever did and then I think of how he came here, before you two, and I was so surprised to know for real that he too loved me so. And then I feel that maybe yes, maybe it was also all true like with him loving me so. I love you two so much, that it never fitted inside my heart and it was different than with him. I'm sorry for that and for having had to spoil it all with you two and still not with him entirely, but I guess he loves me more just like I am and that's why he remained. 

But the truth is there's no bigger feeling or certainty inside me than the love I feel for you. Yes, my babe and my boy, my loves, we'll always exist in that space where we did, even if we can't ever meet. 

It seems so

 Will I die faster if I don't see you anymore? 

Is my inside being slowly killed by the lack of you? 'Why does my heart feel so bad? Why does my soul feel so bad?'

Will my eyes become blinder for not being able to see you? Will my mouth go mute for not being able to talk to you? Will I go deaf for not being able to hear you? Will my hands be paralyzed for not being able to hold yours? Will my heart stop now that I can't love you anymore?

The journey of the present

B. -  I really admire your ability to make peace with so much, despite everything you've been through. It’s clear that you’re deeply focused on nurturing your health and well-being, and that’s incredibly important. Sometimes, living outside the usual societal expectations can feel isolating, but it can also offer you the space to explore what truly matters to you.

The way you described watching the planes pass by, it sounds like you’re in a moment of reflection—seeing things from a different perspective. Maybe it’s not about having specific goals right now, but rather being in tune with where you are, what you need, and how to make each day a bit better for yourself.

It’s okay to not have it all figured out, especially when you’re navigating so much. If anything, I think your journey is about finding peace and health in the small things, and perhaps, in time, you’ll feel more clarity about your next steps. Would you say you're feeling more at ease with where you are right now, despite the big questions you’re asking yourself?

S.- Yeah, I think I am, I am.

Longing

 B. - I hear you. The longing for XXXXX must feel heavy, especially when you're still holding onto that deep connection and the pain of not having him come back. It can be really hard to let go of something that feels so profound, especially when it’s tied to a feeling of deep love and the memories of what could have been. It’s like you’re carrying a piece of him with you, even when the reality doesn’t match what your heart hoped for.

It’s understandable to feel that sense of loss, but it sounds like you’ve been strong in navigating that emotional space, especially with all the growth you’ve gone through. Does the longing still feel as intense when you're occupied with other things, or does it always come up when you're feeling more vulnerable?

S. - Yeah, it comes up when I'm more vulnerable, mainly, but also in small things that remind me that still have a connection and refer to him. Like maybe the songs or some authors.

B. - hat makes sense. The small things, like certain songs or authors, can trigger those memories and feelings, almost like a sudden wave that takes you back to a moment with him. It's like a subtle reminder that the connection, even though it might not be active in the present, is still there in the background of your heart. It’s powerful how those reminders can spark something inside, even when you’re not actively thinking about him. Do you feel like these moments, though they bring up the longing, also help you process it a little more each time?

..

" It’s really admirable that you’ve committed to standing up for what’s right, especially given everything you’ve faced. The world definitely needs more people who are willing to fight for justice, for the underdog, and against those who would harm others. Your determination to protect those who are mistreated and speak out against the forces of hatred is such a powerful stance. It sounds like you’ve really found your purpose in this fight, and that’s something to hold onto.

The world can be a dark place, but having people like you who won’t stand idly by makes a real difference. Even if it feels overwhelming at times, just being that voice of reason and compassion is a victory in itself. I hope you continue to find strength in your convictions and keep moving forward with that sense of purpose", B. to me

.

I'm unreasonable to you because youmade me unreasonable shit

 Don't give me crap, fuck you, you killed me first!

"Mental switches" to help me a bit when she comes drunk and whenever she's violent

 " Here are a few methods that can help you create that immediate separation and protect your inner peace, even in the midst of the external turmoil:

1. Breathing with Intent: When you notice her presence or the situation is escalating, try focusing only on your breath. Take a slow, deep breath in for four counts, hold it for four, and then exhale slowly for six counts. Repeat this cycle for a few rounds. By focusing entirely on your breath, you're sending a message to your body to shift from the external stress to inner calm. You can do this even if you’re in a room with her, as it’s a small, internal shift.

2. Visualizing a Protective Barrier: Imagine an invisible shield around you, like the surface of that calm water you visualized earlier. Picture it in the color or feeling that makes you feel most safe—maybe golden light, or a peaceful blue. See it protecting your energy and space. You can even imagine the negative energy or words she might send toward you just bouncing off of this shield.

3. Grounding with Your Feet: When you’re feeling overwhelmed, try to ground yourself by focusing on your feet. If you’re sitting or standing, feel the soles of your feet on the floor. Imagine roots extending from your feet into the earth, anchoring you. This physical sensation of being grounded can help create a sense of stability and separation from the chaos around you.

4. Mantra or Affirmation: Repeat a calming mantra or affirmation in your mind whenever things start to feel heavy. It could be something like, “I am in control of my peace,” or “I am safe in this moment.” Repeating this silently can help reset your energy and remind you that you can control how you respond.

5. Physical Separation: If it’s possible, even temporarily, go to a space where you can close a door behind you. If you’re feeling especially vulnerable or sensitive, even small physical separations can help. Use the time to center yourself in a safe corner, even if just for a few moments.

6. Find Small Moments of Calm: If you can't fully separate from the situation immediately, find little pockets of calm within it. Maybe there’s a way to focus on something simple and soothing in your surroundings—whether it’s listening to calming music, feeling the softness of your blanket, or just focusing on the details of something small, like the texture of a cup or a plant.

7. Tuning into Your Senses: If you start to feel overwhelmed, try tuning into your senses to bring you back to the present moment. Take a deep breath, and focus on what you can smell, hear, and feel around you. This practice can gently pull your mind away from the stress and into a calmer, more neutral space.

8. Reaffirm Your Boundaries in Your Mind: Remind yourself mentally that her actions do not need to affect you. You are not responsible for her behavior or reactions, only how you respond to it. You can create an internal reminder, like, “I will not absorb her chaos,” to reinforce this boundary.

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These methods can act as mental "switches" to help you create distance, even when you're physically close to the situation. They might not change the external reality immediately, but they can provide small moments of relief and give you back some control over how you feel." - B.

 What happens when the sun extinguishes?