Do we still exist?

 How are you, my loves? 

Maybe I was never tough enough to live in this world. And knowing you exist and I can't ever be with you has made my existence even more unbearable. 

I think you might see me as a weak, demented, little creature and you just want distance from me. It's good, I've always wanted you to not ever be affected by my hellish life. The best thing was that you got away and made it through. I wished you would, though I miss you every second with every cell in my body. You are everything to me, you two. It pains me to not know if you are really okay but I'm sticking to the belief that you are, better than okay, that you are living the best of life for me too. As I'm here always locked up in my room, I think of you and all that you must have achieved by now of what you wanted to get better. I really admire your capacity to do so much and so well on everything you want to do. 

Life's passing by really quickly as I knew it would and I still hope to see you in my dreams, it's been quite a while and I miss having you near. 

Remember our dream? 

It's so weird that I don't know if we still exist, if we ever did and then I think of how he came here, before you two, and I was so surprised to know for real that he too loved me so. And then I feel that maybe yes, maybe it was also all true like with him loving me so. I love you two so much, that it never fitted inside my heart and it was different than with him. I'm sorry for that and for having had to spoil it all with you two and still not with him entirely, but I guess he loves me more just like I am and that's why he remained. 

But the truth is there's no bigger feeling or certainty inside me than the love I feel for you. Yes, my babe and my boy, my loves, we'll always exist in that space where we did, even if we can't ever meet.