I'm afraid that right now I have become a zombie of having had to deal with so many sociopaths throughout my life. So bugger off. :) 

 If you look straight at someone for a while, you will see what happened to them and they will look at you enough to know you. And then you realize you are bonded like everything in Nature is.

So don't look, if you don't want to see the bond.

That's what everyone does.

2024

 2020 broke me
2021 changed me 
2022 woke me
2023 teached me
2024 I'm coming back

....

 Alone
Complex
Ulysses asking to be untied
Precursor of gregorian chants
A joruney of fatherly devotion
An odyssey of love and faith
Games of no friends no network
To get to Pilos and rest

(30/09/2023)

All I need is a chance

 If I could just have a chance to know how you are and be with you... 

 You can't even possibly imagine how much I need you. 

It's over

 I just need you because you are the only one like that. 

No hope in the horizon

 It's a sad thing when one realizes that nothing will get better and even worse when you see there's no happiness on the horizon. You just give up struggling your whole life and suffer this damnation. 

Zen

 All my life I have been wishing for a state of perpetual peace, without being entirely dead, of course haha

To return to where we belong

  I just want him to come back to me. I know it seemed we're awful to each other, but I know we are not, because in person we would have no more doubt or insecurity about who we are for one another. Just like before, in every other time we were together. 

 All I see is the downfall of men. 

I'm not allowed to miss you

... because it's my fault it all turned sour

We have to go through all this to get there

 Don't worry, my love, we will love each other only for what we are and when that time of delicateness comes we will be able to fulfill our lives.

It's all a matter of construction of our beautiful age. 

 If I had known that I was in love with you, if I was aware of it back then, I would have stopped all contact with you and never had I continued on helping as I did either. I would have never gotten so close. 

 Would you ever kiss me with all your passion, my undying love? 

 I never liked you anyway. I just loved your every bit. 

 I just want that you are happy. I guess that's what love is. 

 You are my heartache and misery

Your careless whistle

To think I was once Bacall

Telling you "you just put your lips together and blow"

Why don't you come back to me 

I know how we are but I'm better now, I can withstand the anxiety and adrenaline and insecurity 

"come back to me", I'll wait for you

What is your heart's desire?

 To be able to see and listen to him upclose singing. That is my heart's true desire and what makes me happy. And I'll never have. 😪💔

What I've always deserved

... Is a love that is beautiful and peaceful, fulfilling and truthful. Someone who sees all of me and still loves me as I am, through all my changes going forward in the future. Not a psychopath of a man, but a decent, honest, sensible and sensitive, strong and courageous person. 

All I want is you

 I'm so sorry I couldn't go and run to you, to your loving arms, when all I want is to go and never be apart. 

I fell in love with him

 I fell in love with him 

And I struggled against it

So hard that it made me 

Destroy everything

Including myself

And love that he had for me

But I fell in love with him 

And it was in such a manner 

That I couldn't help it

But to miss him everyday

Though he was in mind 

All the time

He became the love of my life

It's the worst thing 

To love someone so much

And never be able to be near

To see him close 

And be held by him

To have this everlasting love

That cannot be fulfilled

To know that he doesn't love me

Like I love him all the way

Despite all the bad that hurts

I just wish I had a real chance

Choice

 I would choose you if you would let me. To have and to hold, to take care of each other and grow old. 

I would choose you if you would let me. To give all the love and attention, as you were as important as the air and the water for us to survive.

I would choose you if you would want me to. So that we could always lean on each other and Stay together forever. 

But you don't want me to and I couldn't ever.

Love

 There was never anyone caring, trustworthy, selfless, who loved me always and forever. Of all who seemed to loved me no one proved me to be real and truthful. All men like, especially to get something and then time passes and their passion too proves to be just a quick flame. I'm only into deep certain forever true love, because otherwise I have already given up romantic love a long time ago. 

 I couldn't ever let you go.

 I can't get over that song.

 I miss you so much. 

 I was never so wrong like with you. 

 I stopped looking at the sky so I would forget you, how foolish was I to forget that you're the air all around my life.

 It's no use, I always care when people I love aren't well, it's a precondition I guess.

Never break us apart

 I would never betray you
I couldn't ever trade you
Because you and I are the same
Wrapped up and intertwined
In a bundle of the same feeling
But I would treat you better
Than I've treated myself before
And we would be so honest
And in tune with us
That no one can stand in-between 

 I do not know what love is, but I know I love you.

 And though I know that I have to let you go and to see you had always been troublesome for me too, I am and will always be waiting for you to return to me and to just see you again.

08/10/2017

 My heart contains the Sea
My mind contains the Sky

And yet I am an empty shell
And hollow cloud
Whose fingers trespass the foam
Letting the sand escape
Through the air and roam

I shall not find myself 
As much as the particles flying
All across the Universe
For I am whole and none.

 I have waited for you for a thousand years
And another thousand years I shall wait
As the rivers of my love flow to you 
I guess you know when we fell in love
Because all those centuries ago
The whole cosmos was in synch
Like the radio wave that is caught
And we gleamed like nebulae
Just for finding our galaxies

 Damn you, wishful thing, you bring me so many beautiful visions that will never happen. :(

(28thMay)

Don't forget us. 

Whitney Houston

 I'm not Whitney Houston: I will not always love you."😂

 Sometimes I miss you so hard that I feel I would rather not be alive than to know that you will never like me and get back to talk to me.

 I was wrong and so was everyone else. It was just a collective craze.

You and I paid the price.

 If you ever try to return, just show me a vanilla orchid. It will be enough to start with.

 I wish I had died in the womb when she fell on the stairs.

 I cannot give you up

I don't care if you don't exist

I know what I feel

So I'm believing you will

 Pull me in, pull me under

Under your skin

Where I can remember

How to begin

A love so tender

When nothing is mean 

And we can surrender

(30th April)

 I love you little bird, we're always together, aren't we? :) thanks for showing up today on by the window and reminding me.

 It seems it's been months and yet ...
one day I'll forget just like you, won't I?
It's the fair thing to happen.
Though life is never fair and if it ever was nothing should have gone so wrong and ended like it did, and we'd all be together and living in peace, love and harmony.

 Why are you so afraid? Desire, when is big, overcomes any fear.

I miss you, beloved one

 I miss you more when the day ends and the sun sets, and the birds fly back home. Then your face comes to mind, your portraits in black and white, the chiaroscuro that I love, the dark and the light, your eyes telling me of us. 

It was a kind of sweet sorrow and a hope for a tomorrow, that now that you left me I know it will never come. 

 I fell in love with someone who doesn't love me and that says a lot about me. I hadn't fallen in love with someone who didn't love me since I was a teenager. 

 Please come back to me, I can't live without you, never could.

 I am a human being, not a human doing, thank you very much!

 You knew you were vital to me and yet you never bothered if I died. 

Busy

 It could be just you and me making love, but you are too busy working. 

I am just busy thinking of you.

Abandonment

 We could've been so happy together, but you never wanted me. Now I feel like dying just because I will never be with you. 

They all just abandoned me here. 

Misandria

 I just hate men right now, they are all so fucking stupid.

I cannot

 I cannot remove you from my heart 

With my weak empty bony hands 

Or take you out of my fragile mind

With my broken illusory memories

I cannot fix my stomach ache

With you swallowed whole

Cross my throat to the belly

Arms outstretched on my chest

I cannot erase your face and name

From my blind eyes and mute lips

For they are both engraved in flames

Ever burning for you my desire

Dear Da

 You weren't right my dear D., years back he didn't really forget and we never got the chance and now I think unfortunately you were not guessing it either. My bad, as always. I just miss him and all the things that were so valuably of his and that he gave of himself. I am the most sad person to have lost him on my account of all the things I stupidly unknowingly did because of the idiotic anxiety and hyperadrenaline. I'll probably just keep hating myself for it and never recover my health and die here, all alone and unloved. 

The "romantic field" not romantic at all.

 I'm tired of all the lovelorn situations involving me. Especially when I fall in love with people who don't live me back and people fall in love with me without even having almost any communication with me, not knowing me at all. 

Right now, for instance, I'm trying to not think anymore of this conundrum of having been rejected by the person I loved the most; having also rejected a kid of twenty years; having to decide when and if I am going to accept to meet with my former long time boyfriend that I haven't seen in 5 years (who is now 52); and to make things worse having seen again someone (25) I think we fell in love with each other some years ago too. 

Wait to go hahaha and while everyone is saying I must do a cleaning of traumas and spiritual growth. 

I'm going to be now very still and pretend it's nothing to do with me (like animals play dead as instinctive protection). Worse thing is that I am just postponing it lololl 

I really need to rest from emotional troubles all the time. 

I thought you were the love of my life

 You were my constant reason to be sad and feel this ache in my stomach. I told you how you made me joyful so many times when you sang. I thought you were singing to me, but you were always singing for her, I had to think that way in order to stop kidding myself. You never told me how you loved me, if you did at all. You left me knowing that you were everything to me and that I hadn't got any joy but you. 

I loved you all that time, wishing you well and caring for you every second. You never gave me a chance to be with you. You were never even in love with me as some people used to say and suspect that we were together. I thought we were together always. But it was just me wanting you, all just wishful thinking. 

I thought we were each other's. 

 You are the only one I want in my life, to have and to hold. 

 Who's gonna wait at night for you to sing?

 Once again I was exchanged for someone else. And this time I didn't even get a chance lololl 

I don't see how you won't forget me and we'll meet when many years past, I really don't understand. Though I imagine that if that's true it was really because we both had to do that growing till then. 

Why couldn't we be normal like every other case? 

 I wanted to see you swirl under the rain
Arms wide open
Kissing it from my face

I wanted to see your naked body
To see how you were beautifully made
As the potent sculpture that you are

And the most of all I wanted us
Cuddling in a warm embrace
To never be again apart

 I only wanted to know if you love me too more than everything there is. 

 Did you know you're all assholes? Good, than I'm not the one who has to tell you. 

 Did you know that every time I wrote, sang, was about you somehow? Even my subconscience shouts your name.

 when your life has been 
obliterated by others
who threw stones at you
and tore your heart
you become this sickened 
bag of bones
a stigmata undead
with no amount of joyful
and loving things
to surpass the evil done

 This yearning, this hunger...

 Galaxies unfurl when you sing to me. And it's all that matters. 

 Do you ever miss me, or you don't even remember me at all, not in a good way anyhow? 

Why can't you tell me that you love me? Is it that you never did and don't? 

I need you to answer me, it's been too long and I need you to tell me that I wasn't crazy after all. 

 My only bigger wish is that you'd say that you love me more than everything. That is it. 

You're free

 Now that I have set you free, will you ever remember me? 

 Human beings are pathetic. They think they're different from others animals on account of their rationality but they're the ones losing all reason every single day in every moment of their lives.

 I miss you

I miss everything about you

The way you smile 

And when it wrinkles your nose

The way your dimples show

And the signs on your skin

I miss your unruly hair

I love the way you care

And I miss the way you loved me

Before I realized it could be true

High in the sky

 There is only you and I

 You are just what I always thought you were and for those other few moments that I thought otherwise, that you were actually as much of my connection as I was yours, it was just a confusion of wishing too a bit, Iguess.

 What you hide from me is what I hide from you. There is no bigger thing than this. But, again, the "same old story". Now she is pregnant. 

I really don't know why this all had to happen. To learn? What exactly? For what improvement and well-being? Only yours, I'm guessing. 

Anyway, ... 

This time is different, anyway. (?)

 - You make me feel like a million bucks.

- You make me feel like I'm bankrupt.

 So if everything is a lie
Just a trick of the imagination 
Where do dreams go to die
Why did you make this assassination? 

You left me for another
You just gave up on me
You told me we were forever
You just had no dignity

 I don't even know who you are.

Entirely

 I cannot give you up

I cannot let you go

'cause you're life itself

Water, air, fire and earth 

You're everything to me

And you own all my heart

With you stuck & free

Hunter & prey

Why the heavens made this be

You and I linked in a body 

That doesn't exist

Them

 I hate them all, because they stole you from me, they came along as circumstantial interests and made you forget what should've been the biggest love. Even if you fell undeserving, even if you fell into physical proximity and easiness of conditions, even if I wanted only the truest of loves and asked the heavens for you to have someone just so the confusion and hurt passed and I face truth and reality's disappointment; you shouldn't ever fall like that, unless in your case it's necessary for you to have that healthy love I had wished you'd know, and then as it will make you grow and understand, you'll find out, just as I did, that the enormous true love that is forever is another thing and it can only be between us. 

So yes, I hate them, I admit, even if they're nothing but common, I hate them for the simple fact that they can hear you speak to them on their ears, close, and feel your heartbeat. God knows how much I wanted to lay my head on your chest and just hear your heartbeat. 

The song

 The same way you're shaking your head while singing the song is like that only one time when you "saw" me. But as always it's all in my head. 

("The song a robin sings...)

I'm crying writing you this one

 I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was in love with you; I didn't understand and accept what was going on till it was too late, the "self-defense" mechanism had blown everything to shit already. Actually it never happened to me before, but then again I didn't fall in love before when I was sick with hyperadrenalism. 

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I told you I'm sorry. But nothing really makes it all go away, the hedious part. Part of me was conscious of the results and the violence of what I was doing and thought it was necessary a bit. I don't know why I even returned to pray after all these years, just for my despair of the situation, and asked that you had some girlfriend and that l would know so it all ends all the confusion and feeling. But it didn't end. And everyone keeps saying still to go there and I've even thought of it, searched some way, even knowing I would die. 

I just wanted to be held by you, all this time, to lean my head on you chest and listen to your heartbeat, beating for me too. I'm so tired, so tired, I just wanted to rest near you, with your arms holding me. 

I love you for a "thousand years", my all. 

I'm so sorry. I already knew you weren't supposed to be mine so early I guess. But knowing you will marry someone else and think she is the woman of your life, is actually making me really sad. 

What can I do? I had no chance from the beginning. There was a moment I really believed in you, I thought you felt it all too and that somehow that faith and everything that we were experiencing was going to make you be indeed that warrior with the Saint Michael's/George's sword and you would come and rescue me from my death. 

How ingenuous and a romantic fool I was. :)

I love you and want you forever with me

 I dreamed you were a little boy 
And though you said you were mine
You told me you always wanted her
Since you were little
That you dreamed of marrying her
So I just had to let you go

But I don't want to
I want this time to be different
I want to be happy 
And have something for me
For a change
Instead of letting them go
And be happy with someone else
And leave me in black

Now I just want to be with you
Though I know you can have her
That you'd be much happier with
Probably more fulfilled too
And that I have less to do with you
But you are, I can see now
The love of my life
Though nothing seems right
And everything is irrational
Way beyond I could ever think of
It can't all be just a fantasy
I just wanted you to be free
Young and happy
As you seemed to be 

So if you think you can take care of me
You can come and get me
And I'll die just to be with you
Just to be able to press my head on your chest
And hear the sound of your heartbeat
Beating for me as mine races too

My last breath will be with
As true as my eyes watering now
Just to think of how much 
I've been loving you
For all this long

 Why do I have to suffer like this?