I've been loving you for so long

 I've been loving you for so long and it seems that time hasn't been gone at all, years and years, all this omnipresent urgency feeling you, embracing you, having you completely inside me as part of every cell in my frail body. 

I could never hang on in our encounter, could I? I would die at the exact moment that my eyes would see you come in my direction. You're everything to me, more than life and death itself, you're time and existence and all there is and will ever be. 

Nothing can be without you and if I have let myself go it was probably because of the love I always felt for you and the impossibity of having you. So I caved surprisingly to a similar amount of affection that was near to me and you, as if somehow all the love I have been feeling for you three all these years could be expressed and materialized for some instants. 

Again I fought it all, but let myself go on the last moment, in a sudden way just to get it through. And though I survived the moment, I feel it was a defeat, most of it. You were right when once you said that that's life when people meet and then they will even miss people more. I had been loving and missing you three for so long that I even had to do a kind of "detox" and now I am just used to miss you and to hurt.

You see, you all got so many people that are priorities to you and that you love and miss much more than you can love or miss me. Well, and you especifically hate me, so, you don't count in this example. 

Anyway, I love you and I miss like always, since always, there's nothing more I can do but continue to admit this and that I am just this fool that did everything wrong. 

Misandry

 thanks for fcking my head even more than it was already. that's why I don't like men. or myself for letting myself fall in their traps. 

 some people are just trying to be an idol, me instead am just always idle 😅

Completely shattered

 The fact that I can't see you and talk to you kills me. All I wanted was for you to come back. 

unrequited

 have you got people who love you? do they tell you and show it too? good for you. 

I'm still in love with someone who doesn't love me.

 I've got principles, therefore I have no means.

another huge regret

 against what I should've done while being a battered, tortured, unloved teen, I didn't smoke, drink or do drugs and now I am kind of regretting, since I am still with the same hell of a life or worse and my parents never loved me enough to care for me anyway.

Don't mistake

Strength is not aggressiveness 

Kindness is not submission 

Love is not a transaction 

Peace is not silence 

And concepts are no rules

You and her

 I can't move on from you two. I can't let go of missing you. Sometimes I crave to see your face again so much that I go back on my detox treatment from you two and I see your faces again. Though I remember the image of your faces, I crave to see it as you are now, just to feel a little bit more connected with you. You two are still my drug in reminiscing about us, of what never will be, of what as always was, of who we are deep inside. Fck, I miss you my boy and my girl. You never wanted me. I want you still and always so badly. Just need to be near you. I need you near me and with me all the time. You see, I can't live without you two. I have no good reason to carry on, but this illusion that one day you two will come back to me, to tell that you missed me every day too. 

The deal

 You go on having a beautiful life and I will just see once in a while that you are okay. That was the deal. 

I do miss you everyday, though. I still wonder if you are happy, if she is the love of your life and if you ever remember me and if you do is it with bad feelings?

I still hope one day it won't be.

 I really miss forests 

More than anything now 

The pure air and the birds 

The gentle whispers 

The small inhabitants 

All around so much life

The luck of fungi 

And dried leaves 

To hear their crackling 

Among hugs

And holding hands 

Looking up 

And seeing the trees 

With their tall branches 

 And an universe of leaves

Swaying in the breeze

(written on 18th May 2024, with "wind" instead of "breeze") 

fucking hell

 yeah, I know it's stupid to go back to idiotic questions, all in vain, but why the hell this had to happen? I mean, c'mon, I am old, sick and we were always bickering with each other, until he hated me and couldn't stand me anymore and blocked me, so why the heck this all had to happen? what was all that love and my love that never ends? I mean, I had nothing but pain here and then I had a little glimpse of something like love and then I was left to die again. So why the hell this doesn't end in me? I don't want or need any of this increasing shit in my already fucked up life.

help, I need somebody to help me with this

 I've been in love with the same person and only this person for more than three years. Sometimes I think I will never fall completely and absolutely out of love with him because we never consumed it. I just wait everyday for this all to pass or that he comes back to me. Either way I it's an everyday suffering that sometimes makes me want to die just because I can't see no hope ahead. 

An always present absence

 Your abscense is always everywhere in everything my sight reaches. 

I miss you and yet you're always on my mind and like a kind of spirit wandering, floating beside me.

I crave your presence and yet you're always inside me, overflowing my heart with sorrow and hurt and my soul with tears. 

Please, my love, will you come tomorrow?

 without you i went crazy because I of everything that happened and me needing to force us to stray away. it's definitely the worst that has happened for the last two decades for me. 

Defiance

 You've defied me and my heart in a way that nobody else did. You've angered me and destroyed my peace. I couldn't bare your cruelty and your game. I fell in love with you and got ashamed and you humiliated me yoo. I know I was not the only one to blame, but I know I am the only one who feels a monumental guilt. 

To know you're free and happy is all I wanted but I know that I will always love you so. You didn't defy me for you to be the love of my life and yet it happened with me thinking that it was the worse thing to happen to my already bruised heart.

 Realising I had fallen in love with you was one of the scariest things I ever felt. It was all so terrifying because of the enormity of the love I felt for you. Nothing had ever happened to me like that before.

Madness

 He drove her to the edge of madness, like he did to so many before her, with his carelessness and indifference.

 Knowing you exist has destroyed my life and made me have the most beautiful and heartbreaking dream about an impossible love.

 We weren't ready. The moments of certainty weren't absolutely solid to overcome the fear. But I hope that at least you felt it too.

I loved you more than anything in this fucking life

 and you denied me, said I was just a fanatic and compared me to a whore. You laughed at me and made jokes with your friends, you gaslighted me and then you ghosted me, blocked me and took the people I loved from me, And you never cared and just hated me and left me to die suffering all alone as always and without anything good to hold on to anymore. You took everything I had of joy and the period of most happiness just for being able to listen to you. Why did you hurt me so much since the beginning? 

After so many people died

 I can't shake the fact that we're all about to die anytime soon. I'm really afraid of this all the time now. 

 If you are okay as you are, why would you ever want to come back to me in any way?

(it should be because deep inside you only feel better when I am with you and you can't live without me)

I should dare

 I should dare to dream that you would forgive me one day and miss me and talk with me again. But I don't. 

I should dare to dream that you would love me above all and I that you wouldn't want anyone else but me as your beloved eternally. 

I should dare to dream about you. Should I? Can I? 

I should dare to face the memory of you, of your face, of your hair, of your nose, of your lips, of your smile, of your eyes, of your body standing tall. I wish. 

Why I never got married

 I've realised one of the main reasons why I didn't get married to any man was because I never found one completely reliable and trustworthy. 

 you were my only joy and you took it away 

the curse you had on you

 So maybe I broke the curse someone put on you and after me you could finally be happy and free. Yeah, in that case then I am happy for you.

Sadness is on me

 The sixth person in six months had died: a little baby. What a tragic time. Seems since the pandemic started, all over again so many deaths of familiar people and really family.

I don't know if it was your curse towards me or what the hell is going on, I'm just tired of all this for way too long. Is that what you wished for, my death by my own hands just because I can't handle all the awful things that happened and the fact that I lost you forever in every way? 

You shouldn't have to bother so hard to see it through, because I have been suffering everyday of my life already for being born of a violent, narcissistic, racist, bipolar, liar, drunken abuser of my mind and of my submissive dad in these decades of domestic violence. She alone should be reason enough for you not go through all the trouble of wishing me awful things and curse me for the suffering I caused you. You caused me so much suffering that I'm still completely torn and shredded. So good job you did along with your friends who might have helped you, congratulations, you are so powerful and untouchable as you have always been. I'm still just an empty, bruised, all alone and no conditions, isolated child. 

(irish title translated of how they say)

The love of my life

 And now that I am not obsessed with you and to know the truth about what you really felt for me, anymore, I have again to come to terms with the fact that I do love you and even if I one day manage to bury this indelible deep feeling, I know it's always there :/