All my life I waited for things to get better and for me to finally be able to have conditions to live a good fulfilling life. But as time passes and I'm still alive, I just keep getting this feeling of not wanting to ever have been alive in this planet. It's so full of horrid stuff, not to mention my daily hell that I have to manage exhausted. I wish I could erase the times that were so awful and also the ones I did mistakes that I should've been able to stop myself from doing them. Like loving the people I loved all these years. And especially the one of everyday. Even knowing that he didn't exist, I wish he had been the one who immediately wanted to kiss me, just like in that dream.
I guess, illusions saved me because they made me daydream that there could be a moment of finally having my chance of getting rid of this daily hell.
Not having help from anyone, not having conditions to sleep, eat and live and do what I want, is excruciating everyday at some point of the day. It becomes frequently unbearable.
And this whole in my heart, because of everyone I loved so much and they didn't love me, they never will... I thought they really were who they were supposed to be, my friends, my family, but in truth they never were, they were just careless, dismissive, selfish, self-centred, greedy people. And I shouldn't suffer for people who are shitty and abandoned me, like them. So I'm really glad nowadays, because I don't want to be even in those people's mind anymore; After all, I don't need to be important to shitty people. 😄
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