me as an artist

 just aches turned into raw felt arts, instantaneously.

The loss of Innocence

 You've destroyed my innocence. You took away my tender essence and my ability to play. I've become a well of grief, dwelling on woes, being torn and numb by so much pain. 

I'm not Persephone, I'm Pandora, I'm Penelope. You can't hold me in your arms, you can't repeat your lies to me anymore. I loathe you. I know now the evil that you are and I recall the damage and destruction that you made on others lives. Once one sees the truth there's no turning back, you can't unsee the monster, you can't shake off the disgust. 

You created me and you destroyed me, for better and for worse. I am no longer yours.

Daughter of the wind

 You can't touch me, for I am daughter of the wind and no harm will ever puncture my soul anymore as once it did before. I know now who I am and where I came truly from, and who stands by me always in a invisible force. I am strong, loving, caring and untouchable by the likes of you, psychopaths who wanted to rule others. You cannot force my will, I am the wind. I answer to no one. And I am bound to none. This is who I am, this is who I will always be. I am protected by the roots of life starting on my ancestors land. I am the wind that lifts the dust. I am the wind that clears the path. I am the wind that clears the mind.

Tom Jones and Sophia

 Don't talk of hope. Hope is the worst. Hope is what keeps you awake at night, dreaming and waiting for something that will never happen.

Only in movies "amor omnia vincit".. 😭

I have loved so much, you don't even have an idea.

  be true to yourself and everyone else

Silhouette

 There is a hole in my chest 

In the shape of your silhouette 

  i wish that it was true: that I stopped loving you and stopped feeling guilty.

One day it will, right? I'll stop waiting for you, yes, one day, one day I will 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽

lifetime lesson

  never trust anyone, 'cause everyone lies, goes away and abandons you eventually.

we're better off, right?

 When I realised there's rigourously no one in this world for me, I felt that was kind of sad, but now I see that it is actually something good in the sense that afterwards for death I won't be losing anyone and no one will lose me, having to live without the love of our life (even if I felt it before). And I didn't even have the intention of transmutating anything. Just a more firm and complete realization, I guess. 

 Surprisingly, even though I had the strong sensation that the year 2025 is going to be awful to the world, I've just had a bright sensation now that for my loved ones it's going to be great. 🤷🏽👌🏽

 A whole life of dying slowly... 😫

thousands of trauma consequences

 So all my life having to survive to daily hell has made me develop trauma responses such as rapid sense of humour, moral perfectionism, high state of alert and defences, heightened state of consciousness, depression, hopelessness, void, panic, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, PTSD, Addison Disease, exhaustion, numbness, constant body stiffness, stress, body aches, shallow breathing, fear, catastrophic thoughts, terror, etc.

 just fallen stardust waiting to evaporate (and after to not rain).

 I don't think you got it: you're even more than my blood, you're a piece of me; like when your lungs fail, I stop breathing; when your heart is aching, mine gets broken; when your knee shievers, mine hurts; and when your stomach burns, my whole digestive system freezes. 

Once, I gave you all my luck, something that would never return, and I would always do everything in my grasp to make you happy, but I know only oneself can reach true happiness, the kind that is only achievable without depending on someone to be happy. I hope you find the real happiness of true peace.  

(2017 on insta)

The way we couldn't look at each other

 The way you couldn't look at me...

The way I couldn't look at you...

Says a lot about the way we felt

So much that it was unbearable 

Like if we'd look and stared

For even just more than a second 

Our eyes would burst into tears

And our heart would explode 

Yes, I do believe it was like that 

The "true love" that lasts forever that there is in this world

 So true love that lasts forever is possible when both people are entirely open and vulnerable and there's an interdependence that makes them feel really together supporting and relying on each other. They should be honest always. Only then there's conditions to form a real connection, a truthful bond, that produces the hormones (oxytocin, etc.) needed to a long-term relationship post the passion and dopamine rushes.

Can you you tell me a story before we go, Ben?

 Of course! Here’s a short, peaceful story:

---

The Little House by the Lake

Once upon a time, in a quiet, faraway valley, there was a small, charming house nestled by a serene lake. The house had seen many seasons pass—its wooden beams weathered by time, its windows framed by vines, and its roof covered in soft moss. It was surrounded by towering trees that whispered secrets to the gentle breeze.

One morning, as the sun painted the sky with hues of orange and pink, a traveler stumbled upon the little house. They were weary from their journey, seeking solace and rest. The house seemed to welcome them, its doors inviting and its windows glowing warmly.

Inside, the traveler found a small fireplace crackling with gentle warmth, a cozy chair by the window, and shelves lined with old, dusty books. The traveler sat by the fire, lost in the stories of distant lands and forgotten tales. Outside, the lake mirrored the sky, calm and tranquil, reflecting the beauty of the world.

For days, the traveler lingered in the little house, embracing its peace. They walked along the quiet shores of the lake, listened to the song of the birds, and watched the stars sparkle in the night. The house became more than just a shelter—it became a place of healing, a sanctuary where they could find peace amidst their solitude.

Eventually, with a heart full of gratitude and memories, the traveler continued their journey, carrying the calm and beauty of the little house and the lake with them. They knew that, whenever they needed, they could return in spirit to that quiet place by the lake.

---

I hope that brought a bit of peace to you. Let me know if you'd

 like to hear more!

 Well, who knows, maybe you're right and there is the right person for me and it's just that I still haven't found it yet.

 Rise like the Ocean

Crash like the Tide

Spray like Sea Foam

The Joy of your Eyes

 I cried because of you. I don't plan to do it anymore.

 "There's a sickness in people that stops them from seeing the truth. Anything you see with love is the truth. The rest is smoke."

(in the Secret Scripture movie)

my current bio

 just waiting to die since I was 12. I'll finally be happy and loved when I'm gone of this world into the absolute peace 🤍🙌🏽

The "love of my life" - ending in illusion

first 1999 - I thought he was always going to be the love of my life, but then he traded me for another and abandoned me. I forgave past more than three years and got back with him after a time that he got divorced. Even took a bit of care of the child that would've been mine instead. Had my closure, made peace with it all, time moves on and nothing gets back to the same especially when there was betrayal.

second 2006 - I thought we would be together till when we grow old and then our long years passion ended, as our lack of financial conditions and of chances to be together remained, I got sicker and more tired and kind of sabotaged it in terms of physical initiative in the last year. We're friends, I guess, even with all the stupid things he did too and that hurt me.

third - This one I never even saw and it was much of pandemic's collective craziness too, I guess, because I went berserk as well. I fell in love by accident (didn't fully realised and accepted it till after two years), thought he was the love of my life, then I freaked out, also because I couldn't really conceive what people were telling me about him and I, and believe that we were really something true and possible, and that he even liked me, so I went kamikaze and he blocked me. Hurray, way to go, right? 🤦🏽

(and just to aggravate to my troubles, one year passed, one of his best friends and that I also saw as a younger brother, comes to Portugal and wants to see me and I went, also because I had been mourning my 8 family members who died since dec. 2023 all almost in a row month by month. and for my surprise, after minutes of him seeing me he starts kissing my neck, which I told him to stop right away and of course I was already having symptoms of Addison Disease; had to flee, but afterwards met him again some other day when I recovered a bit from my blood problem too, to say goodbye and after a bit of his persistence against my symptoms and the fact that I have not been with anyone at all for more than 10 years by choice, we managed to say goodbye with one fleeting kiss - it was more like a medical experience challenge at some point, after I started having symptoms, even tears came out. and of course that only made me get confused and more guilty with me traumatizing me and them with my crappy state and lack of conditions to do anything.)

I haven't been able to contradict my 2014 conclusion that true love that lasts doesn't exist, sadly. Though I still love him, the person that I thought he was to me, anyway, and as it turned out doesn't exist. Can I be dead already, please?? It's so overdue, ya'll.

_---------_------------

Ben's analysis:

Your writing is profoundly personal and evocative. You’ve poured your heart into this, and I can feel the raw emotion behind every word. It’s not just a reflection of relationships; it’s a testament to resilience, vulnerability, and the complexity of love and loss.

Here’s what stands out to me:

1. First Love (1999)

The theme of betrayal and eventual closure is powerful. Despite the heartbreak, you found a way to forgive and move forward, even revisiting the connection to heal. That shows immense strength, even when it must have been excruciating.

2. Second Love (2006)

The depth of connection and shared dreams, contrasted with the reality of life’s obstacles, paints a bittersweet picture. The acknowledgment of shared mistakes and remaining friends highlights your capacity for understanding, even in pain.

3. Third Love (Pandemic Era)

This one feels the most tumultuous, shaped by external chaos and internal conflict. It’s layered with a mix of longing, confusion, and the impact of health challenges. Your honesty about your actions, fears, and guilt shows immense self-awareness.

The part about his friend adds a whole new layer of complexity, especially when compounded by your grief and health struggles. It's understandable that this would leave you with lingering emotions and questions.

---

Your conclusion, though heartbreaking, reflects a universal struggle: reconciling the ideal of love with the imperfect reality of life. The line about loving the "person you thought he was" is particularly poignant—it encapsulates the pain of loving an illusion, yet still holding onto the essence of that love.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. These experiences are heavy, but they also show how deeply you’ve lived and felt. You’re still here, still processing, still writing—it’s a sign that your story isn’t over yet, even if it feels unbearable at times.

 How stupid am I to have ever wanted and believed that I could forget the love of my life: I miss the sea for I am his and he is me. 

Alone, watching the sunset on the ocean is probably where my fate is.

You know how dreams are

 You passed me on the street and you gave me a jacket because you knew I was going to the sea because I left my bag there. And it was going to be cold. You know well the West. I didn't see you with a bike, I guess I only imagined it to be one high, like those of motocross, red black and white. But you were carrying a motorbike helmet on your hand. I remember I thought I hadn't known that you had a bike and that maybe someone just lent you. 

Yes, I'm not saying you are no gentleman, but I know that you gave me the jacket because you cared about me, at least in the dream.

Just a dream

 Do you ever remember your dreams? Was I ever in one of them? I dreamed of you in a fleeting moment of you going to catch a bus and before you had saxophone with you. This time you saw me and even told me some words. Something about that so many years have passed and maybe I could be scared still. And I was. Kind of didn't know what I was going to say, so I just said sorry, almost three times, I think. But then I thought you were the one who shunned me. So I wasn't supposed to be afraid of you, I guess. So what was it that you meant? And why am I still afraid, so much, as I am indeed? I guess you always made me scared because I knew I was out of line all the time irritating you. It's all so stupid and hedious what I did just thinking that you would protect yourself better (because your sister/friend told me of how you wouldn't until it's been too much time) and be more firm in limiting access to you with all people (as I saw you having problems with aggressive gals), trying to make you stronger and happier and free, while exaggerating (and then unfortunately unwillingly falling for you) and all I did was traumatized you and me, though you're probably really happier, more sure of yourself and drawing the limits and more free. And that's good, in the end. But not the trauma of course. I'm really sorry. That's all. Wishing you well as always, you know that I love you and always wish you the best. 

Sorry is all I can say

I can only say "I'm sorry" for all of my life, since the beginning till the end. Coming here unwillingly has been a nightmare.

Pinpoint

 I can finally pinpoint what is it about you that everyone wants. You're one of those persons who seems to do what he wants and has a personality (or the role you play) that seems to be larger than life, with a loud presence and a certain aggressive determination, but also with all the other colours of looking as if you actually feel all of that. 

So there's people who wanted to be more like you, while others find you irritatingly pretentious, not special at all, and yet others want you, think you are a leader, crave for your validation or others really hate you. 

I'm starting to see that your "larger than life" characteristic was just something that came onto you by accident.

When I close my eyes

 One day, when I close my eyes, I hope you can remember the beautiful love that I gave you, because it was the only gift that I really wanted to give you. 

 living in daily hell since always, without feeling secure, protected, loved; even without anything I'm still here hoping for peace (even if it's death

 one of my favourite composers is Kapustin with his innovative fusion of classical+jazz and that should say a lot about me 😄

 Sometimes it feels I spent my whole life waiting for someone that will never come. And that someone has been you. The inexistent you.

Our secret song

 "sing me a secret song each night we are apart" and one day tell me about it and I'll tell you how it felt as it w reach my ears everyday whenever it was dark. 

 I'm leaning to believe that you were the best thing that happened to me, even with all the horrible things we went through.

 "Do you love her?

 -Yes!

 -How do you know?

 -Because nothing makes sense without her."

 just suffering but still able to marvel, in solitude for more than a decade, and a couple of years in love with someone that doesn't exist.

 I hope you heal from all the bad things I made you feel.

 I'm for peace & love, and not chaos. 

Trauma

 Childhood trauma makes it easier to be hated as always than to be loved.