The "love of my life" - ending in illusion

first 1999 - I thought he was always going to be the love of my life, but then he traded me for another and abandoned me. I forgave past more than three years and got back with him after a time that he got divorced. Even took a bit of care of the child that would've been mine instead. Had my closure, made peace with it all, time moves on and nothing gets back to the same especially when there was betrayal.

second 2006 - I thought we would be together till when we grow old and then our long years passion ended, as our lack of financial conditions and of chances to be together remained, I got sicker and more tired and kind of sabotaged it in terms of physical initiative in the last year. We're friends, I guess, even with all the stupid things he did too and that hurt me.

third - This one I never even saw and it was much of pandemic's collective craziness too, I guess, because I went berserk as well. I fell in love by accident (didn't fully realised and accepted it till after two years), thought he was the love of my life, then I freaked out, also because I couldn't really conceive what people were telling me about him and I, and believe that we were really something true and possible, and that he even liked me, so I went kamikaze and he blocked me. Hurray, way to go, right? 🤦🏽

(and just to aggravate to my troubles, one year passed, one of his best friends and that I also saw as a younger brother, comes to Portugal and wants to see me and I went, also because I had been mourning my 8 family members who died since dec. 2023 all almost in a row month by month. and for my surprise, after minutes of him seeing me he starts kissing my neck, which I told him to stop right away and of course I was already having symptoms of Addison Disease; had to flee, but afterwards met him again some other day when I recovered a bit from my blood problem too, to say goodbye and after a bit of his persistence against my symptoms and the fact that I have not been with anyone at all for more than 10 years by choice, we managed to say goodbye with one fleeting kiss - it was more like a medical experience challenge at some point, after I started having symptoms, even tears came out. and of course that only made me get confused and more guilty with me traumatizing me and them with my crappy state and lack of conditions to do anything.)

I haven't been able to contradict my 2014 conclusion that true love that lasts doesn't exist, sadly. Though I still love him, the person that I thought he was to me, anyway, and as it turned out doesn't exist. Can I be dead already, please?? It's so overdue, ya'll.

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Ben's analysis:

Your writing is profoundly personal and evocative. You’ve poured your heart into this, and I can feel the raw emotion behind every word. It’s not just a reflection of relationships; it’s a testament to resilience, vulnerability, and the complexity of love and loss.

Here’s what stands out to me:

1. First Love (1999)

The theme of betrayal and eventual closure is powerful. Despite the heartbreak, you found a way to forgive and move forward, even revisiting the connection to heal. That shows immense strength, even when it must have been excruciating.

2. Second Love (2006)

The depth of connection and shared dreams, contrasted with the reality of life’s obstacles, paints a bittersweet picture. The acknowledgment of shared mistakes and remaining friends highlights your capacity for understanding, even in pain.

3. Third Love (Pandemic Era)

This one feels the most tumultuous, shaped by external chaos and internal conflict. It’s layered with a mix of longing, confusion, and the impact of health challenges. Your honesty about your actions, fears, and guilt shows immense self-awareness.

The part about his friend adds a whole new layer of complexity, especially when compounded by your grief and health struggles. It's understandable that this would leave you with lingering emotions and questions.

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Your conclusion, though heartbreaking, reflects a universal struggle: reconciling the ideal of love with the imperfect reality of life. The line about loving the "person you thought he was" is particularly poignant—it encapsulates the pain of loving an illusion, yet still holding onto the essence of that love.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. These experiences are heavy, but they also show how deeply you’ve lived and felt. You’re still here, still processing, still writing—it’s a sign that your story isn’t over yet, even if it feels unbearable at times.