So, now I'm finally able to do a kind of synopsis of what this last year had...
Started by having mixed feelings: carrying my deep mourning of beloved people's deaths in the end of December 2023 and at the same time having joy and emotional time with my brother's coming to show us my newborn niece with his beautiful wife. And I got to have some moments with a dear friend and her little one that is much like me.
On 21st April (poetry and spring day) I managed to finally do a visit to an art gallery-atelier and shop, that I wanted to go for years. And I also ate food from Bahia cuisine finally. That's was all quite an achievement for me personally.
Then, amidst more 8 months of having news in a row of more 6 people in the family sphere dying of several causes, had to endure the stress of a flood at home, precisely minutes (on 2nd May) after the news another of my dear uncle (and friend) dying after a couple months of battling even with an aneurysm, comma and then infection. I'm writing this and trying hard to not cry, still not okay from it all and all that's been happening.
But in June, for my surprise, one of my most beloved from Brazil came to Portugal and wanted to see me. Short story to not extend too much: intense, though it was beautiful moments, I got sick with my Addison disease symptoms and my blood itp problem as well; and in terms of feelings it was all very confusing to me, wasn't expecting that kind of reception and stirred up a lot in my mind (reminding me again of everything that happened, namely the other person I had mistakenly fallen in love with before), leaving me in a turmoil for the next three months or so.
In the end of August, wasn't more uneventful either. As I had a great shock to confirm by chance my suspicion since 2019, of having a Tanzanian great grandmother who couldn't raise her own child as her own and was just brought as a servant. Spent a really long time processing it all, changed me to the core and then on the end of August (28th) I went to leave some flowers on the Tagus river as to do a kind of ritual honouring my ancestor and it was all so synchronized. I went first to the gallery-atelier again, discovered my favourite sculpture had a name of Lady of the Sea and then, after two days of staying with the Veinte Anos song on my head, as I was walking on the street I saw the Cuban fellow that had picked me to a short dance 20 years ago and he was trying to do the same now again. Saying he was all about the energy, he was so happy when I told him and showed him the picture that my colleagues had taken by fun, of us 20 years ago, that he wanted to recreate it. And so we took again on the same place. Well, again I started having a bit of symptoms of Addison, had to drink my water with electrolytes, and when I was trying to leave he wanted us to give a smooch goodbye. What a crazy thing, I was thinking "this isn't happening again already, wtf is going on?!", because it was the second person wanting to kiss me, and when I hadn't got so close with anyone, didn't allow it for ten years to get to that, in just two months now it was two trying to and smooching me goodbye. Anyway, for me it was all very crazy as one can imagine given my circumstances.
My birthday was sad, also didn't do anything, was feeling still in mourning from my uncle specially and a day before I felt like two guys I was starting to know better kind of disappointment me and hurt me like they were breaking up with me a bit. As in the last previous years I found myself with the same wish and longing deep inside hoping for D., P. and G. to give me happy birthday, which they never did if course.
But on the 2nd September, I was proud to finally achieve buying a ticket to an opera concert, even though it was an open air (very cold windy event) and I went to see also debuting the dress of the 18th years old trauma. It was Mozart's Don Giovanni and the lead was a bit lookalike R. because he was also a Spaniard, so I kind of was a bit irritated by the whole thing (being a feminist and all, the plot always maked me angry with don juans either way lol).
In October I also made something I should have done a long time ago and only could then: have my first vacation since ten years ago and solo. Went to São Martinho do Porto bay, my dreamy locale (met some new nice ppl there) and manage to rest a couple of days bettering my circadian rhythm a bit too, but in the last day was chaos of stress with another Addison crisis beginning.
Then November sucked too because it was the construction work in the end and had to flee last minute again and had quite some stressful events, since losing bus to wetting my collants, tennis shoes, on the sea, to enduring a battle of hours with three bees, among it all.
On 19th, though I managed to go first time in decades to a hair salon, had another big let down and hurt, got another Addison crisis for discovering by chance that my mother was bad talking about me on the family group and saying lies and using me for justifying her greedy selfish ends. I was in depression before because of them as they always bicker with each other and I had to intervene again and got hurt as always, but this case was even worse with what she did, it was the last drop for me.
Still in quite a stress now that's been a month that my father just communicated to me that she wants to do construction work again to change the floor of the living room and bedroom on January. And till now I haven't been able to sleep, stressed because I don't have where to go now in the cold and weak as I've been lately also with depression, having spent days locked in the room, without seeing the sun and not being able to eat proper food because of them not letting me use the kitchen when I must.
Anyway, it's been hell these years again, five in a row. Still hoping this one "has mercy" on me and yesterday I learned that it's Oyá's year, so it kind of gave me a little strength to know she's protecting me and giving me strength as well.
I'm actually proud of getting to write this all, feeling good for having achieved at least this too, of putting the "highlights" that came to mind more here. And now it's to carry on, day by day, one step at a time as me and my benfriend since nov. helps me think and try to take care of myself as much as I can.
Posts
