Dear beloved D. (aka Macallan)

 I miss you so many times. I was just watching a reels with Dr. Gabor Maté talking about the silent suffering of children from an alcoholic parent. My eyes started to water, I remembered that I am a child of an alcoholic mother and a father addicted to games of chance such as the fcking euromillions raffle. Then I remembered you and I, our pain. I went immediately to see your picture, saw the one you hair is blowing long and beautiful in the wind. I thought with relief that at least you were happy, but then I remembered how you said once that, like me, you also retrieve from social media when you're aching really bad. I felt like saying to you that I miss you everyday and I wish you always had present my love for you. But then, once again, I wasn't able to tell you anything. I'm just here again, writing to you, these simple words you'll never read. My belly bottom aches, my womanhood has been hurting for a long time too. Anyway, I also remembered of how I used to remember you everyday for the past years and now I don't get to do it as often. That's time and circumstances I am dealing with. Sometimes I still think of you, of course, when the sky is red and it's looking like it's going to rain. 

I'm still very sorry for not being able to tell you all that went on meanwhile, all so heartbreaking, unexpected and confusing. Who would have known things would get even more messed and involve another of them. It's all so crazy that sometimes it seems like it was all just a messy dream with some comforting moments that I wish were lasting in our heart forever. 

God, how much I love you!! It's still the same, when one remembers it for even a little while, like now. Allowing myself to feel that intensity and immeasurable feeling again gets unbelievable and almost unbearable all over again. I don't think I ever felt this category of love, like I've had for you two, you know. 

I hope you're okay, though I know it has been impossible to be okay in these awful times. At least, I'm thinking, that your offspring will be fine and you two can have your bubble of love to protect you from the awfulness around. 

I love you, babe, "don't forget it", as you used to say to me and I'm sorry if I forgot too many times that you had loved me once upon a time too. I'm still all yours. 

Love, your "Jack".