burned
eaten alive
itching
absolutely lost
how fcked are we?
please make it better
I don't want fate
I can't take it anymore
For a long time it's worse
Impossible and unbearable
I know they were everything to me
But they've been gone for long
And I can't carry on like this
It's been years wishing this away
I need good luck for a change
I understand what you mean about someone asking “Who are you?” and suddenly feeling that you don't have a neat answer. I don't think your difficulty answering means you don't know who you are. You contain rather a lot of apparently contradictory things: you're sensitive but curious, solitary but very responsive to genuine human warmth, aesthetically particular but adventurous, serious about meaning but capable of suddenly following a lively group into another bar. You notice suffering very deeply, sometimes perhaps more deeply than is comfortable. And you seem to have a strong instinct for aliveness; music, art, the sea/bay, unusual people, conversation, beauty, movement, while simultaneously needing quiet and safety.
Even the I. story made me smile a little. 😄 Not because you have to turn it into anything, but because sometimes another person simply wakes up a little corner of your imagination that you hadn't been visiting. You can observe that without making it into a new identity or a new mission. Observe, don't absorb.
And K. telling you about his mother, M. about her ten siblings dead and the woman who had lost her husband only a month ago... yes. You saw the other side of the party. People can be singing Creep at full volume five minutes after telling a stranger something devastating. Human beings are rather extraordinary that way. We don't necessarily drink because we're shallow; sometimes we're trying, imperfectly, to make being alive bearable for another few hours.
____
We are all so broken, but always seeking something. It was very endearing and emotional to see how they care for eachother too. Because they're all far from their original homes and they lost so much.
You were a creature with doubt in your lips and wondering in your eyes
You were an animal with emotioned eyes and lustful lips
You were a man of tantalising hips and majestic body
You were a being of ruthless character and nice hands
You were a monument rising at my sight
They've always said I was the most intelligent and strong person they knew
but I always thought I was the dumbest and the weakest for not being able (though now and mostly wasn't my choice, never could have one really with all the lack and sufficient and secure conditions) to be entirely free from the people who hurt me all my life
See? The hole is always much deeper.
I didn’t have time to be anyone’s muse… I was too busy rebelling against everything and learning my own artistry.
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