Nothing as it seems - Pearl Jam

 Don't feel like home,.. he's a little out...

And all these words elope,.. it's nothing like your poem...

Putting in,.. inputting in,.. don't feel like methadone...

Scratching voice.. all alone,.. it's nothing like your baritone

It's nothing as it seems,.. the little that he needs,. it's home

The little that he sees,.. is nothing. He concedes,.. it's home

One uninvited chromosome,.. a blanket like the ozone.

It's nothing as it seems, all that he needs,. it's home...

The little that he frees,.. is nothing, he believes...

Saving up a sunny day,.. something maybe two tone...

Anything of his own,.. a chip off the cornerstone...

Who's kidding, rainy day,...one way ticket headstone...

Occupations overthrown,.. a whisper thru a megaphone...

It's nothing as it seems,... the little that he needs,... it's home

The little that he sees, ..is nothing. He concedes,. it's home...

And all that he frees,... a little bittersweet,.. it's home...

It's nothing as it seems,.. the little that you see,.. it's home...

When harsher times come

 Unfortunately, it's been a climb in this awful mountain of despair and hopelessness all around the world. There is a tendency to get even worse with the continuation of the rising of hate and terrible weather aggravating. The uncertainty is making us all blow up in this pressure cooker. 

It's important that we maintain the most calming and peaceful posture we can towards disasters. Even when it comes suddenly and all of your system goes into alert mode. One must do what we can given the circumstances and still always have in mind the greater good. 

I could resolve all if I had a perfect adrenal set functioning. But I don't and it's been life-threatening whenever the stressful events occur almost on a daily basis because of others. Responsability has been so impossibly heavy on my shoulders since a little kid, that I have never known a time where I didn't have to do something for someone, while no one has my back. It's just me for me, without being able to be there for me, because that would imply to not be there for others. 

What I did wrong

 Tell me what I did wrong 

So I can name it 

And move along:

I suffocated you

Persecuted you

Pressured you

Chased you

Criticized you

I insisted non-stop

I blamed you

I told you to go

I told you everything 

Like I were to know 

I did tempt your jealousy 

And your rage and hatred

I did it on purpose 

I went kamikaze on you

I put all the weight in you

I trusted you with my survival 

I didn't listen to you first

I did not stop when I knew best

I was sick in the head

Making narratives and wild guesses

To everything that was next

And carried on because it was on

Though I should have known 

That it was just all coincidence 

Just one sided connection 

Through it all

 There's no true growth and clarity without vulnerability and courage to face yourself and your deepest hurts.

 Don't cry for me or for you missing me, I don't want you to be a fckng hypocrite, you false mfckrs! Besides, when I die I'll finally be rid of all you and I'll be at peace, not being abandoned and hurt and badgered and enslaved all the time. 

It's all over know, you can't fckng fool me no more, you fckngassfcks.

signed: cindefckngrella with no fckng prince 

It's okay, it was just an illusion

 It's okay, it was just an illusion that my heart and mind created in order to withstand the harshness and suffering of life as it's always been. I think I am now more free, as I acknowledged that he wasn't, in almost everything, the person I thought he was. 

I held on to the idea of him for so long, always thinking that whenever I was feeling better from my emotional strife, everything would make me remember him again, like the mind was grabbing all that it could associate to him and make me remember him more again. I guess that must be a symptom of the addicted mind system giving its desperate signals when it sees that the reminiscing is rarer. 

Anyway, I wish I had a real chance in this world to see how it feels to actually find someone that is completely safe and ours to know better, grow old alongside the genuine version of ourselves. 

So please forgive the state I've been

 I was thinking if there was anything in this life of so much suffering and violence that would make it worth it. Then immediately you came to my mind singing this incredibly beautifully, those first words, the gravity and emotion in your voice, the way it hit so hard back then. (though it was probably about her, I would give it all to be me in that moment - how could you do it? nevermind. I know, I understand, I made it too and I guess there wasn't anything I could do that would make you choose me for you forever more)

You were indeed the love of my life, even if you never existed like I thought you did. The most out of this world feeling I ever had and that will never have a true explanation one can rationalize about. If only it was our true love felt, immeasurable and endless, like there was none before. I was just a fool to believe and sometimes I can't believe it was real. I love you, no matter. 

 Talking about it didn't help because I didn't feel listened to with almost anyone and having named and acknowledging what I was feeling didn't make it go away. 

 Tell me the songs you sung thinking of me..

 I loved you totally in everything I saw of you, each thing you showed to be, each thing you showed me that you were. 

(now I realised I push people a little bit on their patience to know who they truly are and then if they show their true colours I can see them and show them they don't have to fear anything and that I liked them just as they truly are. It's a good deconstruction process too.)