These last years wisdom

 

I have learned that peace is not something that arrives on its own. Sometimes it is something we must deliberately protect. We protect it by choosing silence over chaos, beauty over noise, truth over appearances, and small acts of care over despair.

I have learned that healing is rarely dramatic. It happens in almost invisible steps. A walk. A drawing. A meal in a quiet place. A museum. A flower. A conversation. A single day in which I suffer a little less than yesterday.

I have learned that awareness is both a gift and a burden. To see the beauty of the world is also to see its cruelty. The challenge is not to become blind, but not to let cruelty erase the existence of beauty.

I have learned that grief does not disappear. It changes shape. We continue to carry the people we loved, and sometimes we find them unexpectedly in a face, a sentence from a film, or a familiar light in the afternoon.

I have learned that compassion is more important than being right. Everyone is carrying a story that cannot be seen from the outside.

I have learned that strength is often quiet. Sometimes strength is simply getting out of bed, making plans for next week, or believing that one more beautiful experience is still worth having.

I have learned that I cannot save the whole world. But I can refuse to become indifferent to it.

I have learned that art is not an escape from reality. Art teaches us how to remain human while facing reality.

I have learned that dreams do not need to be grand to matter. A peaceful home. A studio filled with drawings. Beautiful stones. A garden. A journey. A city that inspires me. These are not small dreams. They are a way of choosing life.

I have learned that hope is not certainty. Hope is continuing despite uncertainty.

Perhaps the greatest lesson is this:

Observe, but do not absorb.

Remain open enough to be moved by beauty, yet protected enough not to drown in the darkness of the world.

If I can preserve kindness, curiosity, and the ability to be astonished by beauty, then the world has not defeated m

After the Noise

I no longer ask the sea to explain the world.
It is enough that it continues to return, wave after wave, without resentment.
The trees do not argue with the wind. They endure, and in enduring they still offer shade.
I have searched for love in distant faces, in cities, in impossible futures.
Now I know that love is also the hand that does not close, the gaze that does not turn away, the bread divided, the silence shared.
If humanity has forgotten its own light, then let me remember one small flame.
Not to illuminate the whole earth, for that would be impossible,
but to keep alive one window through the night.
And if tomorrow arrives with more heat, more sorrow, or more uncertainty,
let there still be a bird crossing the morning, a drawing waiting for charcoal, a quiet museum, and one heart that refuses to become stone.

Understand what is.

 Understand what is and you won't have (the need) to think of what isn't. 

I was because you were

 I didn't make much of a need of being something. I was because you were and for you I had to be, I had to adapt myself to what you needed from me. And you all got a different impression of me. Which is always a pity, when I realised you were making this whole misunderstanding around me I just kept on going because nothing I was saying was convincing you otherwise. You already had your set impression made about me.

Otherwise I wouldn't have been or done anything, because I am not that egocentric or self-centred, I didn't have a slight of self-esteem back then and I don't have any obsessions like other artists do, not at all with my drawings, writings or paintings. It's been all just a necessary hobby to pass time. 

But I was because you were. 

Please come quick before I die

 I lost you and lost you and lost you. Because we never lose someone just once. We lose them many times with you it was even before. Please come quick before I die. I've been thinking of death so much lately. As so many people died in a row in these last years, I fear it won't be long till it's my turn. I cried again today. Seeing a scene of someone saying only in the end what they felt for the person who was dying. They imagined a bit what it would be like if they met before, if they had time to be together. I cried thinking of us too. I cried for Yaya's death. I cried for the love you and I never had the chance to have and for the love we had and I made us lose. Please, can you please forgive me, say that you truly forgave me and youll always love me as I do, even if we never speak again, even if your life is beside your girl and not me, even if you never choose me, even if you never come to take me with you, even knowing I lost you for good.

(😭💔Adams and Katie rip in Grey's Anatomy, the storied life of AJ Flickry)

From early on

 If you can't find happiness on your own self, inside you, then you're screwed, because everyone is on their own truly, everything else will bring you down, make you sad, disappoint and hurt you. People are never really there for the other, they don't prioritise making someone else happy or feeling good unless they get also something out of that, and it's only temporary. 

So you must strive to be happy within yourself as a default mode, something tranquil and basic, in the sense that it is your foundation. And you should manage to do it from early on. 

Fond out that you are the one who came to this life and you'll have to live first and foremost with yourself each second of the day. There's nothing you need to be happy. Only if you want to experience joy above the usual you will have to probably resort to your outer factors. But to be whole and okay with yourself you just have to know deeply that you're it to yourself and it's okay, because truly only you can know what lays within.

I'll be yours if you want me too

 I turn into just a mad fool

Only because I caught a glimpse of him

I return to that "crazy in love" mode

And wanting nothing but his arms 

Holding me in an endearing hug

There's nothing in this world 

That I would like the most

I'll be all yours if you tell me truth

Prisoner

 A prisoner of loss can become a prisoner of hope. Hope that something will work out next time, some day. That the person will come back. That the money will come. That a cure will be found. Being a prisoner of hope is hanging suspended between two cliffs being held by nothing but thorny vines. 

I am a prisoner of loss and hope. Of all the memories of everything and everyone that I ever lost, plus being a prisoner of the hope that one day everything that is wrong will get solved. 

The impossible complexity

 Nowadays I can say I am so complex that no one can know me much. Yes, they can say some things I supposedly like and care for, just by having accompanied me in these last years on Instagram, for example, but the truth is I have done and showed things there on the moment triggered by something or someone in particular, so that's just something I have done with that purpose or because of them. Many times it had much more to do with others than exactly something that was characteristic of my personality. 

Besides, I didn't know that people don't have intrusive thoughts and an internal narrator; I thought everyone was always thinking of something, like I do. 

That's why having people that like me as I am with them even when I get more frustrated with them for some valid reason, is what I treasure more. Because people like that love you in the parts they know of you, that are very different from just being linear in personality. I'd say I'm linear in character but not in personality, that I have a broad scope. 

Today I thought of him in a metaphor as a diamond refractioned into his seven colours/personalities. The one I found more complex than me. His complexity isn't deeper than mine, but wider. I'm one, he's many. 

These last years of pandemic and all, It's just him for me

 I stopped believing in romantic love for myself in 2013 and till now I've been only refusing everyone who dares to mess with me. I know my true love, the love of my life, doesn't exist, but he is the only one for me. I'll die alone but he knows he was the one I was crazy for though he never loved me.