A heart

 A heart doesn't stop being a heart just because it's wounded immeasurably, does it? 

You should know

 You should know that I didn't surround myself of your friends on purpose, it just happened as to so many of other people, to connect through the live streamings and try to have a bit of communion and fun possible amidst the horrors going on in pandemic times, in order to try to survive. The only thing I did do on purpose in the end of those days before you shunned me, was pushing you to it, because I couldn't bear anymore the confusion and hurt you caused me, though I needed you so much. 

Suicide is painless

 Worse than despair is the clear determination and knowledge that you're not here doing anything anymore. It's even scarier to realise how can one be so practical and just prepare to do it. 

We didn't hold hands, but our shadows did.

 I just miss hearing you sing like you used to. Even if it wasn't for me. 

The Narcissist

 The narcissist is one of societies worst cancer. He only acts poised and subservient with people who have money and power, because he envied them his whole life. So he emulates respect and obedience, and even sucks them up to get on their good side. 

The narcissist, otherwise, brags to know it all and being able to do it all, being always productive and showing off, whether it's status objects or achievements in society. While serving himself of others, using and discarding, diminishing their contributions and only exalting them to get things in return. 

The narcissist is a lying psychopath who thinks that can fool everyone making himself a cry baby, always complaining about every little thing that happens in their day in order to get sympathy and fish for compliments. 

He is incapable of loving. Unless it's for his own show of retaining people's sympathy and gifts, and show how good of a person he is, he only fakes love to the ones that buy into his game of manipulation and pleasing for exchanging favours. And of course there are those to whom he is emotionally invested, to keep manipulating someone into thinking that he is a hero of a person, solidary and an upright citizen, against what others may accuse him of. 

Buster

 The things come

With a sure thing 

Who dies 

Who stays alive

Who's dancing in the rain

I faulter in this domain 

A realm of joy and gaety

Isn't for me

No this time

"Maybe in another life"

What's the use to know?

It's like one can't avoid the flow

The current that washes all away

No one can control it

Not even us

Tap into it

Someone

An event

And know immediately 

Like in an instant photograph 

It cam pouring if you let it

Then one runs away

Too much will change it

Too much if me looking into it

As before when I was one with it

So natural but then again so troubling 

You'll be fine buster

You're always fine

I always knew it deep inside 

Didn't I?

It was just my pride

That couldn't let you go

Because you are okay without me

You've always been 

Since the moment I gave you birth

never a more status quo than this

 everyone who was supposed to protect me abandoned me at an early age and so on, each time ppl leave it reopens the wound. I used to be funny and witty because of trauma and hurt, surviving mechanism. since I loved everyone in the pandemic and was told I was an awful person and got my heart stumped on by one of them, then ppl started abandoning me too, I was completely erased in the joy I had. then the deaths came along, after all the therapeutic processes that were so devastating too. now, having nothing but awful conditions, I just returned to that feeling of waiting to die too, because I don't have any hope for anything anymore of joy. the blues have always been strong and deep in my all. 

 I don't know you, I never knew who you've been. I only know what you did to me. All the awful things that made me do and be who I've been. 

 Can't you see I always loved you and wanted you to love me back? Deep inside it's just as simple as that.