Do you know how much have I always loved you?
Yeah, you're right, it doesn't matter. After all, it's only important when one cares to know. But if there is even just a tiny part of you who cares to know, you should know it has always been truly love without measure. "Yeah, it's true, I was made for you", as the story said.
I chose to live in consonant with what I feel.
Looking back, I can genuinely say that all the mistakes I made were fruit of not having had the opportunity to think thoroughly about things before.
Given that everything I did was just with what I knew then, I can't blame myself for the actual decisions in which I was mainly the carrier.
Having always been a firm apologist of responsibility and accountability for people's actions and decisions, I have realised in time that what is conscious should be treated accordingly and what mostly isn't should be as well. Each to each. As things are.
I have let go of all of them from the past, but still having deep and wide feelings that probably won't ever entirely go away, for my limerence cases, my triad of D, G, P, despite everything.
I'm on a good track of healing (after the last years closing the therapeutic processes), in fact was deemed a bit of time ago that I didn't have anything more to heal about all that. I even celebrated with a nice meal (and a dessert, for a change, as it had no dairy), just to mark it.
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| evolution passion fruit tart |
To say it short: pandemic was ruthless on me, I was on hyper adrenaline that I couldn't control and its consequences were awful. I became aware of it all, did the possible apologies to whom I pestered and also to myself and tried to make a mended way to carry on (psychologically and physically, but on a metaphysical level too). Still threading the path as I can, day by day, but with healed mind and clarity of peace in what went up in the past, and it's all pretty gone now. I am alone, without anyone who loves me and living in a hell house as always, but I am filled with a love and peace as a grace I've developed inside of me, acknowledging and accepting, for all that I am and been. I am as I should, even though I am still sick with ITP and Addison and all that.
(I've let go of any attempt to manage or predict what happens. it's just that final stage of acceptance, a kind of resignation of "it is what it is")
It was never meant to be. I don't fit. I never did.
They're all so healthy or so screwed up, all those perfect families, but I'm always adverse.
Where was my family? Why didn't it feel ever like mine? (I thought me and RH had it but i was always left aside/behind) Maybe only with my soul brother but not with any other guys. No, it's not true, there was B. (with whom I fell in love with too decades ago) family there so far, they could've been mine because they already felt like that then.
Life is sad and one just carries on... (alone but aware)
Nothing that fades was meant to be held forever. (what will never fade will be held🤞🏽🙌🏽❤️)
Bob Marley and Amy Winehouse
Nina Simone and Otis Redding
Eddie Vedder and Kurts Cobain
Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley
Robin Williams and Jim Carey
Heath Ledger and Keanu Reeves
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