Encounter

 The way I imagine our encounter,

After the meeting of our souls,

I always have to stop myself

From imagining 

Because it's so overwhelming

I almost feel like crying. 

 I've become this pathetic being 
with nothing at all
but the waiting for death

Sadness unfolds

 Everything about me is so sad:

Starting from my body

Going till the soul

Passing through the heart

And finishing with my mind. 

 Why does everyone try so much? Just to pretend we're not all going to die and every effort is in vain. 

The man I'm in love with

 I'm in love with an unmade bed of a man, 
that I'm not even sure that he exists
though I know he is out there far away
in this strange world of turns and twists

He's a man that still has got a child inside
As pure as snow and his skin so white

I'm in love with a ragged hair of a man,
his face so naive and his cleft chin
delighted by his plump cherry lips
I bet they're even sexier when he sips 

He's the man that I absolutely adore
But I know he isn't just one for sure

I'm not made to live in this world

 There's nothing that will make me happy for being in this wretched world. 
Its miseries and filthy things, starting and ending in humans, the most disgusting, I just can't deal with all this. 
There's nothing in this world that can make one completely happy all the time, or stop being ever sad or lonely or such time and time around. 
So, unless you're in an incredible journey of detachment from everything in this world, you can't really hope to not ever be affected by it. 

They say one must find true happiness within and be well enough to be with others afterwards. 
What if one can't ever be well enough to be in society as it is, and people as they are?

Yes, I know, since a pre-teen I've known, just like once someone told me: if you don't like to live you can kill yourself. That same person did so more than 20 years from saying that to me.
What do you think of this? 

Maybe I can't live without you

 Realizing that the reason you want to die is precisely the people who put you in this world is the worst thing really. 
So deep in crap, I no longer know. Today has been awful, more even.

The fact that you so far away exist still makes me somewhat glad I guess. I don't think I can live without knowing everyday that you're still alive in this world. I don't know if it's because I've identified myself with you, as if we had the same pain and emptiness, and that crazy idea that us closer with make us more complete just by that. I know you're still the one I love more than anything. How crazy this all has been? Yeah, I know, pretty crazy. 

Let's wait till I'm rational again and everything "diminishes" LOL

 How have I've been?

Sick, tired, sleepless, wanting to die. That's how I've been and that's why I don't answer to that question to anyone. 

Everybody Dies

 What would people do
If the exact date of dying they knew?

'cause everybody dies
so when will I?

I hope you will be fine
after I'm gone

I know it won't be long
I just wanted to hear your song
Hear your heartbeat close to mine
Feel the warmth of you when I must say goodbye

Everybody dies
Yes, they are all gone
Almost everyone
And still that old song
I can hear it play sometimes
Once in a while
I even hear it twice
But you're never there
You're so far away
So close to me inside
Always on my mind

What shall we do now
That everything is lost? 

You're in everything I do

 Everything I do has a bit of you,
or even a lot, or even more than that,
in every word I write, every poem,
in every song I make, every melody,
even in every drawing or cooking,
all tastes of you.

Trauma

 The shock hits first
Like a ultrasound wave
It penetrates the whole body
At once
Like needles start prickling 
And then the stomach ache
The cold rigor mortis feel
On the ends of your body
And then the shakes

In your head
It's in your head
Trauma comes back
Another one
And another one
And another one

If you don't put a stop to it
It will take you down
To the panic room
...

One should rest more.

 If someone stops loving another because he can't count on the other, was that ever loving the other for who they are? 

Still the Broken Heart...

Does a broken heart can ever be whole? 

"I aim to please"

 I could write a whole satirical book on this subject...

The list of what's bothering

 If you do a list of what's bothering you and see what you can actually solve and what you cannot, try to move forward after that, is it going to work to get you through the days?

The ultimate freedom

 When you got nothing to live for, you can already die.

 No, I don't want to die without feeling your chest's warmth on my face and hear the beat of your heart. 

Collective Insanity

 Do you know who you are?
Did you know before the pandemics start?
Did you see all the tragedy in-between?
Have you grown?

I don't know. 
I never knew anything.
I knew this could happen,
but not everything that happened to me. 

Unexpectedly I became part of the collective insanity. 

 One of the good things that I've realized early in life was that it doesn't really matter what people think of me, because no one really knows me.

 The fact that no one really cares is always a two-sides coin.

 Can we just put all so-called gurus and "self-help" writers in that same bottle and throw it into the sea?

Guess what, no, I don't miss you.

 You've hurt me and I just kept going as nothing, strong as f*ck as always, I've even been polite and compassionate, thought of your pain, because that's the way I am and now more than ever, I rise above. 

But no, I don't miss you. I can't miss you. I may have lost the ability to do it. 

So, you saying that you miss me, only makes me wonder which part do you miss? The long time on the phone, me saying stuff that you never seemed to care much about, but insisted on hearing everyday?

Or is it my proximity, physically? 

You know what? You don't miss me either. You're just fed up with whom you got beside you or maybe that's just that, like everyone else, you just miss people when you don't have them anymore, because you never value them enough when they're right there. 

Sweet Swing

Everyday I miss you,
I even imagined we were swinging
listening to some old song on the radio
going two steps right, two steps left, 
slowly in a nice imperfect swing,
I'd probably be on your feet.

Yes, listening to songs together,
how nice that would be,
instead of you there and me here.

Everyday I miss you,
me here alone, you there on your own,
not that we don't enjoy our solitude,
but closer as we are always together anyway
would be such a nice sweet swing.

The List of Attributes

 I forgot to tell her I thought of the list of characteristics as she asked me to. 

I thought that it had to be someone who is honest, courageous, sincere, truthful, loyal, strong, emotionally evolved and in emotional intelligence. Has to be someone with whom I can have a deep connection, recognition, identification, belonging and intimacy, way beyond chemistry and sex, someone who is interested in many things like music and movies and theatre and all art, not as an evasion but to truly appreciate it. Someone who is conscious and is practicing awareness more and more everyday with his own things. Someone who is truly there, present, always together as a real partner with whom I can count and rely on, as I would make an effort to be as well; be always together and never apart, for the first time. 

Other attributes of course like intelligence, independence, ethics and honor, and being balanced, not being obsessive compulsive with nothing but the liking of my person hehe would be appreciated.

I know it's like 1% chance for me to stay alive and actually find someone decent (in the coming time of ongoing pandemics), but as I was supposed to do this list for homework I'm doing it in this life anyhow. :-) 

To love and be loved. I thought I had it before, but I didn't quite did as I really wanted and needed, I just kept giving excuses for it all.

 Do you think we'll ever be better? Is there hope for our minds and all the traumas and things we've caught from everyone?

I really don't know.

 We'll be better than them, you'll see.
We're too much, too wild, too pure, too raw.
We'll be a blast and the silence after it.