Faith

 I'm a faithless man with my faith deposited in you.
My only devotion, my creed and belief.
It's because of you that I believe in breathing,
in the good things, in the signs of beauty and life,
because what's there in you deep inside
is pure and fiery 
my everything
my absolute
my wholeness.

Please don't let too much time go by

 If you care at all, please don't let too much time go by, because then there's no way of coming back. I know that. You know it too. Would you really like that to happen, for us to be without each other, but only in thought sometimes, or you even so rarely, who knows? I don't. I'm not sure of anything, because you never tell me anything for real, do you? and what you show is only despise and wrath and anger, it seems you can't really take the time to handle. 

There's nothing I can do. I cannot tell you anything else. I've told so much, many times trying to convince us, I guess. Because it's all too much of a mess and confusion. Nothing really is and it is everything. All I seem to try to say seems like a lie, forcing myself and yourself and I don't even know why all this so much.

If I stop you stop, I know. Is it how it is to be? 
Just like before what I did to me?

Alright. If you don't give me anything, any sign, I'll follow your oblivion towards me. I am, after all, your slave, am I not? LOL I still find it all particularly funny and crazy. Yeah, yeah, I know you hate that.  

just another crisis...

Another Addisonian Crisis, hadn't had one this strong in a while, all because of her again, with her vicious sentences to hurt me all the time, making me remember how I'm nothing but a crappy shit, and then of course I couldn't take it anymore, blew up as a good old traumatized kid for my whole life, with the accumulation of triggers, still have the shakes and the coldness and an ache in my chest, my cardiac part, it's all messed up. Being sick and not having anyone who understands is awful, especially when you weren't loved as you should have been for the people that should have loved you most.

At least he didn't leave me completely hanging today and also seeing him sing is so important to me that it saves me too in some ways. If he only knew how important he is, more than life itself, I guess it would be too much to carry on the shoulders, already is.

But the truth still is the same: if it weren't for the good things they make I wouldn't have almost anything to be glad about in this life and truly enjoy something. I know I should be glad too when I make my own art, and I do achieve that, but it's different, it's another sense of fulfillment of course. 

Also makes me feel hypocrite for trying to make someone not kill himself when all I've been wanting to do all my life whenever crap like this happens, even more, is to die and finally not have to suffer anymore with all this hell every time.

 

Before I die, you should decide to live

 Before I die, kid, I want you to know that you should decide to live and not give up. I'm not going to tell you this exactly, but something alike, now that I'm trying to tell you how I made my mind stronger to not fall again and again in depression and despair. 

How life gets intricate I know, but I also made myself untie the knots, stubbornly I made it through, I can see it in a much simpler way, everything gets clearer faster nowadays. I guess I exercised my mind so much by doing it that it's now much easier and intuitive. You can do it too. To be intelligent this way is a kind of glory that you will feel if you do appreciate your development. I hope you get to and also have all that perspectives that are so needed in order to "see the whole picture". 

I hope that, truly, one day you will find a poem or any other piece of art or just see something that you find so beautiful, that you say you are glad to have seen this and that it makes living worth it. It's one of the great feelings one can have. 

The love / man of your dreams

 The man with the kindest eyes, so deep inside, always so bright and every other being was drawn to his love. That was the man of your dreams. So many dreams, all fantasies of love and kindness and peace. The last man you had was a kind of Greek god on Earth and like all gods he had that one defect of being capricious. One should not fall in love with gods for they're just as human and mortal as everyone else.
Remember that you asked for someone polite, educated, curious, dedicated, faithful, bright, and so many other qualities. But since then you've discovered that there is no balance in a man, even when he is so complex and seems complete. 
Plus, no one knows what true love is (except for what I found after years of study and observation) and people are just too bound to everything that it isn't: ambition, pleasure, possessiveness, desire, lust, passion, envy, jealousy, etc. 


*movie with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman

This is why I've been separating the art from the person for many years, otherwise would be impossible

 "Just because you are talented doesn't mean you get to be a son of a bitch" - Nuno Markl

 Note to Self: Next time you help someone, make sure you're not killing yourself by devastating your organs and risk fatality, especially for someone who doesn't give a crap not as much to put a stupid "like" on a post of your art. 

 Dying isn't easy in the body: fading away, vertigo, feeling the icy death on the whole body. 

I'm tired, my love, where are you to hold me to my last breath?

Anedony

 What is wrong with me again? 
Why can't I feel anything?

I don't know why it's happening
all over again
but maybe it's a bit different
because I don't feel bad

So maybe I'm just fed up
of feeling and hurting for others
and then this happened inside
the complete absence.

 There's a nice feeling of relief too and not only just sadness when I realize there was never really anyone for me and therefore no one will suffer a cutting wound when I'm gone. 

Gods

 One should never mess with gods, for they are always inevitably capricious tyrants.

 I have always wanted to know when was I going to die, but now that I have this notion that I am going to die soon I simply don't find it very interesting anymore. 

It turns out I'm really going to "die of love" lol

 This is all so crazy, that I was actually thinking of how I might have "wished" this all through my life unconsciously. This whole thing of an impossible and fantasy love and me dying and having this feeling so certain.

And to know that inadvertently, for all the effort I made in helping all of them I have worsen my state of disease to an ending point, is again that idea that I am actually really dying of love. The love that I had didn't save me at all, how people may think, it actually was my demise. 

How pathetic of a ultraromantic era character have I become, it's really idiotic and to laugh about.