Monday, 30 May 2022

 Preparing for my own death should be easier by now... :/

Sunday, 29 May 2022

Understanding

 But now that I understand what is behind it and that I know what I need and what I do not want anymore, maybe I can accept it and turn it all around. I wish I could. 

Now I need it also, to feel complete and well finally because I can speak up and say that I really do deserve more. You all were right. Thank you for abandoning me.

Saturday, 14 May 2022

Since I realized it a few years ago...

 The fact that I can't really love truly someone nice, because my formation of what love feels like and is, when I was a kid, that was made through the extremes of violence of someone who is violent and the one who was the sufferer of that violence, I have to come to a mindset of resignation that I won't ever be in an amorous relationship with someone ever again.

 While there's no pardon
there is no rest
Guilt takes our best
And makes us abandon

Please don't forget.

 All I ever wanted was to be free

by being with you again.

 As soon as I entered they were singing "É Doce Morrer no Mar". ;(
What am I without the sea?

Friday, 13 May 2022

How can one live like this?

Everyday that I wake up I wish I hadn't. 

Can't eat, can't sleep, no house, no love, no nothing. 

All the noise, the lack, the hell, only. 

Finding reasons is impossible, so illusory, and hobbies are even getting harder to carry on. 

Too many years like this. With no dreams that can be accomplished. 

And only 24/7 pain all over. 


You're never there, You're always there

 I call for you but you are nowhere to be found
I can't tell if you're still there
And then I catch a glimpse of the moon
As I go by the window

While I was listening to oldies on the radio
And dicing some vegetables for a stir-fry
I recalled our conversations again
So few, but so precious, for me at least
Because now it's all I can remember of us

When you leave me alone I fall into a pit 
Of darkness and emptiness
But then I remember that song again
And think to myself with aching chest
Filled with misery and woe:
We did our best nonetheless 
But I was stupid to spoil it all
And you were careless to let it happen

I would surely go back now to that point
Yes, now I would, because I deserve to know
I deserve to see it enroll and not sacrifice myself
Not again at least, I've even asked a girl for you,
So that it would put an end to all the pain
But funny how sometimes it's fine 
But sometimes it comes hurting all again
Exposing the utterly and undenying truth
That I've loved you for all this time.

(you were always on my mind - elvis ; today earlier radiofeels)

Sunday, 8 May 2022

 To have you hold my hand in yours, forevermore, to be free.

Saturday, 7 May 2022

 Do you even care about me? No, the facts are there for me to see. I was dumb enough to excuse you and not believe you were really tarnished by them. 

Wednesday, 4 May 2022

What about love?

 Do you think it's awful that I compiled a book of love poems when I really didn't love you the best I could have without making you suffer? Yeah, maybe you have accumulated wrath over that too. 

I realized again how much I truly made you my joy, a lot of it most of times, and I really had hope at some moments that you and everyone I ended up loving so much would one day be having fun all together with me. 

I guess all my life I waited for love to save me, my love for myself ended up the only thing that eventually will save me, they say. Still alive, aching, but still alive, now need to stop loving everyone and start loving myself only as you all say.

Tuesday, 3 May 2022

 If it's meant for me to die this year, let it be in September, the month I was born 

And if so, don't postpone your wedding, I will try to be there in (literally hehe and at least the problem of you buying me the bridesmaid dress won't be an issue anymore). 

 Everything hurts, 

Everything rusts,

I don't want to resuscitate anymore

You can take me to the other shore

Monday, 2 May 2022

 In my dream, you answered to her: "I think about her everyday".

 I see you almost everyday and many times I say to myself I couldn't ever be in love with you. But even when I don't see you there's something in me deep inside that knows that there is no other love and that unfortunately we're each other's like no other. 

Sunday, 1 May 2022

Men

 Have I mentioned that I hate you? I do. I have in some moments hated you with absolute wrath. Men that make me hate men in general. Yes, that's what you are.

The fact that you're all fucking irresponsible and deadly cowards does it.

 You're with the love of your life, it's her, that older boring woman you chose to be with again, as you said. So don't think I was the one, the woman of your life, the one you loved the most. Because I'm not. I never was, you abandoned me, you totally abandoned me, and don't think you didn't, don't say anymore that you didn't, just because you're still sending me a message once in a while. 

Why is it so fucking hard?

 Do I even mean anything at all to you of good and important? How can you leave us suffering like this? 

It's all a lie. 

You really think she is a younger version of me? Don't you know passion blinds and lies. 

Are we just the hormonal cocktail that bosses us around? 

Can you even acknowledge that you're wasting our precious time that could be the only chance we've got before inexistence ?