Thursday, 1 December 2022

 My heart skips a beat when I see you. I think you are killing me slowly just by looking at me.

Monday, 28 November 2022

I am so yours

And you are so mine

That sometimes

When I pass by a mirror

I smile 

Because I'm looking at you

Friday, 25 November 2022

Do you understand how I truly feel?

It's like I'm broken here on my chest where a crater lies, because we're not in each other's arms. If only you could feel the true deep connection that is in every cell of me. But we didn't even believe in destiny. 

And though I was yours probably since other lives and you failed me in every time, there is no one else with whom we can ever feel the same way. 
It didn't matter how I made you dislike me, how our rivalry will always happen, because our damned souls wander together in the stars and resonate in every atom in the universe. No one else. But I think you won't know it or feel it, probably never and just keep seeing the whole mundane aspect of it, seeing it as an ill kind of love, because I made it similar to the others that you knew and couldn't take care of. 
This time it wasn't self-sabotage, I didn't even think of myself, I guess that's true love indeed. 

Tuesday, 22 November 2022

 Without your forgiveness

I'm just a lost pearl

With no oyster


Thursday, 17 November 2022

 I still feel you talking to me. Why is it so hard for you to be my friend again? 

Wednesday, 16 November 2022

I've fallen in love

 I've fallen in love just now
with a man who plays the piano
the sax and the Spanish guitar
for hours
and reads to me
cooks his spaghetti with magic
and doesn't like football
prefers to watch the Tour de France
and is absolutely crazy in love
with the whole of me

I used to have a beautiful love
But I lost it
Because everything fades away
by the hands of difficulty

He'll never know

 He despises me, doesn't care about me, and it's all mainly because of everything I did. If he only knew that all of the best was precisely given to him by what I did. 

Thursday, 10 November 2022

 Were you her little boy that whole time you were with me? Why did you tell me I was the woman of your life while being with another person in bed? Is it all I'm worth for? Two times now, two people, the ones I loved the most all those years, basically told and did the same. Am I to blame? Yet a third one I never believed that could love me like I am, old and grey, dying, and so it is. 

All that is left is for me to die of this Addison Disease, unloved.

Sunday, 6 November 2022

Friday, 4 November 2022

Wednesday, 2 November 2022

 Is it a mystery that things like lava (and you and fire and storms) can be so beautiful and monstrous at the same time?

Tuesday, 1 November 2022

 What will you do when you discover it too? Or do you already feel it all this time?

The cold place now is making sense from the "interview" and the vision. 

Wednesday, 26 October 2022

Love of my life

 Lately I have been asking the heavens for you to tell me that you love me... and I guess you kind of did, but not exactly to me. 

Anyway, you already know I have and will always love you and be there for you taking care as I can. 

Love of my life, no matter.

Sunday, 23 October 2022

Friday, 21 October 2022

 If you only knew how I suffered just to make it all so that you would be happy...

Thursday, 20 October 2022

Wednesday, 19 October 2022

The state of the world

 It makes me cry when I think of the state of the world.

I've never been in love before - Frank Loesser - Chet Baker - Laufey

 I've never been in love before

Now all at once it's youIt's you for evermoreI've never been in love beforeI thought my heart was safeI thought I knew the scoreBut this is wineIt's all too strange and strongI'm full of foolish songAnd out my song must pourSo please forgiveThis helpless haze I'm inI've really never beenIn love before
But this is wineIt's all too strange and strongI'm full of foolish songAnd out my song must pourSo please forgiveThis helpless haze I'm inI've really never beenIn love before

Thursday, 13 October 2022

 I can't live in a world like this and without having conditions to make anything better and useful. So if the adrenal cortex pill I mean to try goes sideways I just hope my death won't hurt me much. 

 But true love like this lasts forever.

Monday, 10 October 2022

Sunday, 9 October 2022

A nightmare of life

 #canteatwhatiwant #cantlovewhoiwant #cantsleepwhenineed #donthaveahome #donthaveawc #donthavelove #donthavefamily #donthavesupport #donthaveanything #donthavefriends #donthaveanyone #onlypainandviolence #iwishineverbeenborn #thousandtrauma 

Saturday, 8 October 2022

Wednesday, 5 October 2022

 If you ever loved me you'll want me and no one else will do but me and you'll fight against even death to be with me always.

Tuesday, 4 October 2022

 The thing that hurt me more was you going away and never caring anymore to know how I am, just abandoned me like everyone else who left me while I'm sick and suffering so much. And I always let you go, because I think it would make you suffer to know I am unwell and you're never here. 

Monday, 3 October 2022

Despots don't raise themselves alone

 All my life I have been suffering from violence of a despotic person that I couldn't ever have the means to get myself rid of. 

Among all the aches, illnesses and all that it has caused me there is always this ever returning feeling of wanting to die because of it. 

Many times I thought I couldn't hang in anymore. All the racism, homophobia, amid the domestic violence, has made me feel that want so desperate, to cut my wrists or blow my brains with a shot, though I wouldn't do it for the lack of courage. So each time a maniac politician prone to genocide is in power you can imagine what it feels like for me. All my life I hated dictators. It only made me slowly rot, because they are always there and striving. And I hate them. 

Saturday, 1 October 2022

Wednesday, 28 September 2022

 If I wasn't the most bruised and traumatized person ever, could I love you and you me? I'll never know.

 I can't get you out of me
We were our air
Our blood and holy water
Loved each other with despair
Stretching branches of a tree
No need for us to sought her
We weren't anyone
Just two kids playing around
With no masks to wear us out

Wednesday, 21 September 2022

... and when I'm getting better, not hating myself for everything and defending myself from everything, I will feel more worthy of love, believe and value the love you give me and love you back without any need, that is if meanwhile you saw it all through me, understood it, still love me and don't give up on me being sane and healed to finally accept your embrace without breaking myself.

Friday, 16 September 2022

Foolish songs

Full of foolish songs
Even when I think
That love can't carry on
It doesn't let me sleep
Returning to my thought
Where in fact he never left
From this story he bought
That I was just another one
Who fell for him enchanted
When the truth is he irritates me
For I know too well he's terrible
Though we have this connection
That seems quite unbreakable
And lingering on more than we want
Through all these songs we sing
Always remembering each other.

Friday, 9 September 2022

Inflatable - Bush

 Let it slide overhead

When I believe in you my soul can restBut as love that's really love can never failBut fail it doesWhen we shine like the sunYou seem the only one my only friend
You're so pretty in white pretty when you're faithfulSo pretty in white pretty when you're faithfulWhen you're faithful
I resigned from myselfTook a break as someone elseIt's like we've come undoneBut I've only just become inflatable for you
You're so pretty in white pretty when you're faithfulSo pretty in white pretty when you're faithfulSo pretty in white pretty when you're faithfulWhen you're faithful
I don't mind most of the timeBut you push me so far inside
You're so pretty in white pretty when you're faithfulSo pretty in white pretty when you're faithfulSo pretty in white pretty when you're faithfulSo pretty in white pretty when you're faithfulWhen you're faithfulWhen you're faithful

Thursday, 8 September 2022

Forsaken

 Why did you forsaken me so easily?
Torn apart, shredded mind and broken body,
I have no more heart and my soul is fucked,
I am the man that lost everything a long time ago
And still had to wander the Earth as an empty shell.

Tuesday, 6 September 2022

 Turns out I too have the astonished deer look sometimes. 

Monday, 5 September 2022

 Sometimes I wish I was the one you loved more than anything in this life, just like me to you.

Sunday, 4 September 2022

 What's the point of talking about anything at all in this life?

Murky love

 How can you doubt my love 
Insult it and calling it murky
Isn't it clear and loud and too much
For you and the world to see?

Why do you insist in clouding it
Ignore it, despise it
God knows I did and regretted
Was punished right away
With floods out of nowhere
And bugs don't know from where

I've made much peace with it
Accepted that there is a universe
Trying to work out with something
I guess balancing energies out there
I don't know it too 
But it became too much to ignore
Such crazy things going on

Our waters aren't murky 
At least when we're connected
That much I feel it real flows
When it's just you and I
With no defenses or disguise

Dealing

 I wouldn't be able to tell you how much I love you and I think you are the only one who has that from me, the impossible, the unattainable, the unreachable, it's just a bloody Solaris nebula spreading through everything there ever was.

And it's that scary in daily coincidences too, even for a rational person like me. I'm tired and pretty willing to give up on everything and everyone, but it's this f*cking force that doesn't let me rest for freaking minute and sometimes I even hate it, because all I wanted was peace and you people existing and everything that happened wasn't in my plans whatsoever and I try do deal with it the best I can, but I always feel sometimes this waves of sadness, nervousness or even profound ache, sometimes, from you guys. 

Anyway, I'm really trying to fight it everyday and I'm determined. So I will eventually make it, also because you all don't give a f*ck about me, which is good like that for you not to suffer anything from me :)

Friday, 2 September 2022

Wednesday, 31 August 2022

Tuesday, 30 August 2022

 These are the days of our lives

No matter where we go

We can't escape what's inside

Friday, 26 August 2022

 I get it now
It's not just because I get them
Or listen and love them
But it's that I make them feel alive
And seen in the most beautiful way

Monday, 22 August 2022

 How can you forget me and leave me behind, if I'm all yours and so inside? I have loved you for a thousand lives and I will love you for a thousand more. Just keep me in your heart and mind all the time, because we're the same soul.

Sunday, 21 August 2022

 Believe you me: I wanted you to be the one who would love me above all things and feel this overwhelming feeling, for you to be my true hero who would make me miraculously heal just with your love and that we would be together and never part, as it should be. I'm so sorry I made you doubt me and reduce your feelings to almost nothing of good. 

Friday, 19 August 2022

 I'll never believe that you love me, because you treat me like crap and like I don't exist.

Wednesday, 17 August 2022

 He never really cared for me that much, never even tried to get closer, to get within, to stay. I'm not the love of his life, am I? She, that I asked god for her to him, is. Right? Oh god, I hate myself for that too.

Sunday, 14 August 2022

 I am an old bony woman with 5 million galaxies on the inside and they're just little girls. Why am I even comparing? 

Because they're little giggling girls and they were the ones loved by him. 

 "I'll never understand how you can stand there seeing me crying and not do anything"

Monday, 8 August 2022

 If I die now these days, like my grandma years back, I wish that no one really cares or suffers, much like continuing as they've been all this time. 


Thursday, 28 July 2022

 I am in love with you
Like the songs are loved by birds
And the sunsets are the sea's lovers

Friday, 8 July 2022

Book

If you want my book "To Love" : https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09WYVJQQ2/

 Funny, I thought of me dying and what came to my mind last was you, probably because of us dating for so many years. 

I don't even know who I loved more in this life but you were the one I loved and was with for the longest time. 

Wednesday, 6 July 2022

 It is much easier to say goodbye when someone dies, when you already said goodbye before.

 Sometimes I really regret crossing path with you, I should've stayed put like I was, self-ostracized like I made myself for so long, not dragging anyone into my death. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I never meant for anyone to suffer more. 


Now that I'm dying...

 ... I'm just glad for you that I loved more than life and that we're apart, because it's made for you not to suffer as you would if you still liked me very much. But on the other hand I'm just angry I had no good chance in this life of having good conditions to even see what I would choose if I was given the opportunity to do it. 

I have loved you so fucking much. I am sorry I wasn't the one for you and you weren't the one I thought you were. I am sorry that no one was. It is true, life does suck, it sucked me dry, and then you die.

It was just a dream

 We held each other today...

But it was just a dream

That made me hope

You would be better today

Now I miss you even more.

Tuesday, 5 July 2022

If you don't love me

 If you do not love me anymore, you should tell me, though hearing the words is the most painful thing in the world and last time (and only time) I heard them I also heard my heart break. 

Should I tell you?

 You have no idea of how much I love you, otherwise you would probably start existing. I don't know if I should tell you. 

Monday, 4 July 2022

Sunday, 3 July 2022

For you

 I wanted to be for you the most beautiful poem you've ever read.

 If these are my last times on this Earth it could at least now give me a break from all the shit I have to suffer all my life, no??

Friday, 1 July 2022

Everything has gone to shit

 Life is hard and then you die, but I tried to enjoy the ride, though I couldn't because I did not even get some change to put in the slot...

 Today I got audio messages asking me "sorry", a girl who was a bit harsh on me for no reason really, not understanding my illness condition. It got me thinking if you needed me to say sorry vocally. Or would it be a nuisance, since I know it's not something that is to be apologized. 
When it comes to you I believe it is nice to leave you be at peace, as you want. But I wish I knew for sure. I would do anything to see you with no hurt, especially because of me.

What am I to do now?

 What am I to do without the people I loved the most? 

No joy or happiness can come now, no sparkle of life, no flame in my wounded heart and my ragged soul. 

Fatalism is real in some cases

 When you lost the person that you love the most on your own account and feel depressed and guilty and unworthy for so long, either you stay still like a couch potato or you try to distract yourself, but both things don't make it feel any better. Deep inside there's this massive ache and will to die just because you got no hope. No hope for love, for health and the end of the pandemic or whatever will work to improve in anything your life that isn't going to be worse or go wrong.

Wednesday, 29 June 2022

The privilege

 To be truly loved by you, what a magnificent honour and privilege it would be.

I miss you so f*cking much, what about you?

It's all good

We can't blame ourselves, just let us forget what happened and carry on well, because the love between exists and it can be there still and quiet, dear and nice, just to tap into when we need our comforting that we used to give each other. I do love you, I hope one day the hurt goes all away from you and the love remains. 

Tuesday, 28 June 2022

You

 You made me realize so many things about myself. You made me suffer too. You destroyed me after building me up. Broke my heart after filling it. You don't even bother to ever apologize for all you did to me. And the truth is I never imagined you would. You have no conscience. I always knew that, it was just an acquired fact. 

It seems...

 So there is something, just like all the strength of the emotion we once felt together, but what am I to do with it, specially under my circumstances and you not feeling it as me? Just let time pass and believe? If I knew what I saw was true, I would wait 20 years, yes, but I don't have much health now, actually fading away and your lack of care for me just makes it all worse.

 I don't love you anymore, you have hurt me too much and I wouldn't ever want to be with you again. 

Sunday, 26 June 2022

Letter to my crazy boy

 My dear beloved crazy boy,

I'm writing you this letter in order to tell you that I loved you more than life itself, like a mother loves her child. But you were never mine and that is fine. Thousands of women have nurtured you in so many ways. Maybe I was one of them just for an instant, a split second, before our fated death. 
I have watched you grow and sent you everything that could be good for you, even a big healthy love for you to call your own and know in this life of yours. 
My beautiful crazy giant child, how was I to know what you really wanted, right? But even so you got it and will get it all. 
If your heart is sick and your mind is wicked I don't know if you're just having all the blessings for the karma and dharma, or if it will accumulate for your next life. Truth be told, I don't know nothing about it, you know how I don't (can't) believe in anything. 
In you I don't have to, because I know and can see all your potential and I don't mean like a person but rather as a professional. 

Anyway, maybe I will write to you some other time, perhaps if I find myself thinking of something that I should really tell you. Either way, there's nothing we can say to each other that is more worthy than staying in silence, except of course to try to tell how much we love each other, were it true. 

P.S.: I know you are not crazy at all. :)

Saturday, 25 June 2022

Specificating

 Okay, so it's not that it isn't real, but that it is not practical in reality. 

Overflow

 Though I couldn't bear
To know that you loved me
I wish everyday that I'd know
That I could be sure somehow
Instead of lying in bed everyday
Spending all the time wondering
If you really love or hate me
Because I can't know for sure
And I grew on liking that its secret
So deep and so incomprehensible
That only us can feel its nature
Deep inside taking on the universe
If we even dare to think about it
And then we ourselves can't take it
Its overflowing and immensity
People, opposite to ourselves,
Won't think we're crazy lunatics 
Like we think of ourselves and all.

Stay very still

 I'm remembering again that nothing is meant to, at least no good thing, it's just as I always thought, you can do stuff for your own self, not counting on things to happen or even waiting, it's all chance; just take it for all these years you suspended everything and really nothing of much happened without being the one or two things you were doing. 

That whole "stay very still" so nothing of troubles come all the time; of course, with so many variables now, there is a lot happening all around though. 

But not exactly for you, if you keep really still, you may find your ostracism track again. 

 Yeah, it's just like that, we are all going to die and I am closer to that than everyone else I know. Being ignored and despised was the best and I know I am the one to blame, 'cause I made it on purpose, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt about it everyday.

I just couldn't do it.

Thursday, 23 June 2022

Once upon a time I really had two soul-brothers

 Can you never let me go, even if it's just like this? I promise I won't really say anything anymore. Just want to see my soul-brothers happy. 

I thank for having had two soul-brothers in this life, though I lost their will to be closer because I meddled too much in order to make them stay better to themselves and also with the ladies. 

And yeah, in this case it wasn't funny at all as history repeats itself.

 I'm just a sensitive fella.

The real things

 I know you like the real things and the real touches and the real details, but who says what is really felt by real if not ourselves. When a dream is so vivid that you can feel the touch, didn't you feel it like real? When you close your eyes and imagine us floating together on the Dead Sea, leaning our head on each other's shoulders, isn't it the most real thing in that moment? Can't you see it? Can't you feel it? Without having to touch it even. It's so much that it becomes palpable, a solid thing, a whole monument, just is.

I know, you said it before, I imagine too much, I wander in things that aren't real. 

For a thousand years

 Sometimes it feels like I've been loving you for a thousand years.

Wednesday, 22 June 2022

 Will you say that you love me before I am gone from this world?

Tuesday, 21 June 2022

 Would you still love me now that I am old and grey and dying?

This is us

 Is this our life now? Is this what we are doomed to be? Dragging in this world this secret sorrow, while trying to pretend and hoping and believing that we'll forget and it will pass... And even if we have what we're missing, who would say that we're really the only ones as acknowledged at points? 

How does one link to another so hard like it was if there's no soul? It's just the mind playing it's tricks, you'd say. You don't even believe in soul. 

I wish you'd really exist, it's a pity that you don't.

My bright star

 Go ahead, my love, be the brightest star in the sky. I'll be looking at you up there shining so bright <3

Monday, 20 June 2022

 I'm nobody. Thanks for that. Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I love you, I know that maybe it's all my fault also for wishing for her but I do hate it all sometimes. Goddamn it! I wish everything could have been simple. 

 You saw right through me
I saw right through you
All the lies we said
But we were wrong
Now our love seems dead
But remains in that song

Sunday, 19 June 2022

The strongest mother fucker

 The thing about being the strongest mother fucker ever is that no one really knows you. 

 I still feel your face when I touch mine in the mirror.

Friday, 17 June 2022

We're shipwrecked in this together

 Yeah, I know it's been a long time now and I should have let you go right before you told me not to, but now I can no longer conceive my world without you, so you can already imagine how hard it is to not be with you near glued on basically. 

I never belonged anywhere. You do, it seems, belong to some places and people, in fact many. Maybe you lied too about that to me. Who knows? 

Is it my awful love, like you say, dragging you or is it that you feel it too, this indeed murky and seemingly pointless feeling, but so immense like a deluge?

Wednesday, 15 June 2022

No one

 Who is there for me? No one. Ever. And I turned out pretty weird lol What do you think?

There's no end for this confusion of complexities.

Mission

 So it turns out it's not a matter of having a reason to live but instead trying to get to the deep consciousness to see if one can find out what is their mission in life. It might be a really simple mission, like having to press one button everyday, but it's the one thing that you are meant to be doing in the "great design of things". 

I was thinking that being useful - in quantities that don't surpass my well-being - is one of the things I like for feeling that it's not all going to waste and that dying isn't stopping me from doing all the things totally. But that is not my mission, I thought before that it could be that the things I write could help others feel less alone in this world, knowing that there's someone who is a bit like them. I wish that was true, like once when I had a reader on my blog, João was his name, and he used to say how much my writing meant for him. 

I guess making a difference in someone's life (like it has happened all my life doing it for others somehow) is something I also like when it happens. Just have sort out in between the things related to self-esteem issues and ego too. 

The mission, more concrete and pressing, is to keep on going, stay alive, do the things that are needed like the book and try to realize for good what is The Mission. 

 Thank you for your pity, or compassion, or mercy or whatever.

Us, the imminent dying, are grateful.

Tuesday, 14 June 2022

 Is it because I am dying, or is it because I have bothered you a lot, or is it because you simply don't care?

Another epiphany

 Some things you have to deserve them (like trust, etc.) and some you don't (like love). 

Example

 Did you get inspired inspired to be open and stronger just because I showed you how I am? If you pay attention to people you will find many worlds to explore and see so much that you can take as an example. 

I want to keep being myself and hope that it will be a good thing.

Hard to deal with this now

 Remember when you made sure you had nothing to lose and isolated yourself so that no one could be hurt by your departure? Those were days you knew for sure that it was easier to die. Now that you committed the error of meeting people, even if it's only  "virtually", life has become confusing again and pain got a new dimension added. 

I just hate it all. Life was never simple as much as I tried to make it, it was only troubles all the time.

Broken

 Can someone be unbroken after being shattered?

 Maybe I'll die when I least expect it, or not. I just wanted to know with a bit of timethe before what day it will be, for a matter of practicality really. But I guess it is not going to happen that way. :(

Monday, 13 June 2022

The man that I love doesn't exist but ..

 I do see him in my mind everyday, whenever I close my eyes there he is with his tenderness. 

I'd love to caress his hair while he was falling asleep, instead and not make that old repetitive movement of passing my fingertips on his eyebrow to help him asleep.

He gets so calm when he is with me, like I'm his best place to stay and be for hours and hours. Wouldn't it be nice if we could forget again that the world exists, just by being in each other's arms. I thought I had that when I was younger but it wasn't really the one to stay with forever, as soon it showed. I remember the feeling though, of wanting nothing else than be there in someone's arms forever. I know I won't have that again with someone, but I wish I did this time for real and with no ending. "Into my arms", yes. Meanwhile, I'll just have to imagine that he lays by my side too and loves me more than anything in this world. 
Wasn't the biggest love the most beautiful thing, while it lasted in its naivety? :) 

Sunday, 12 June 2022

 He lives with someone else and still wanted to come here to have dinner with me. Never apologized for what he did, all the awful things he said and just acts like nothing happened. If I say something, he totally gaslights me surely. 

I'm just tired of dealing with people in general and 4 guys in particular that I just quit on trying to talk with.

You are awful like everyone, congrats!

 Even knowing that I am dying you've treated me so awfully.

Justice

 You're so fucking low that you should pay for everything you've done to all women. 

Is there a soul-mate?

 I stopped believing when I had my heart broken by my first big love at 17. 

Now more than 20 years passed and I got myself asking what the heck was going on, even if there was a karmic connection between someone else and me, like if my ancestors expelled his ancestors out of the country or what, such was the baffling and strength of the whole thing. 

Sometimes I'm afraid it won't pass and that there is indeed that thing they said about twin-flames. 

I was just now watching "a little something for your birthday" with Sharon Stone and I got myself crying on one of the last scenes where they say that they changed their mind about wedding and that whole "there's only one person that you'll truly love", because I started to say to myself "it will pass", "it's craziness", "it's impossible", "nothing to do with it"; but then I remembered that they too in the movie took some years to finally admit it and get it. 

But in my case it's not true, because I am likely to die this year or so. Still, you guys, if you truly think/feel you find your soul mate and can't live without them you should be with them, even if it breaks your heart further on. I guess.

Saturday, 11 June 2022

Factum est

 The basic fact is that you're fucking someone else. Yeah, that's the fucking truth. I shouldn't even be sad about it, because it's the woman of your life and I was never the one to be. If I knew who you were truly I would have never been with you. 

I wasn't made to live

 I wasn't made to live
It all seems so in vain
Same old routines
Same old things

I wanted to give you love
The greatest love everyday
Take away the pain

But I shouldn't love anyone
I shouldn't be friends too
Not only because I'm dying
As I'm also unable to talk
Or get close without symptoms

What have I done?
Amazingly I was happier before
Or at least didn't suffer as much.


Friday, 10 June 2022

 How can you miss someone so fucking much?

 Who would've said that my best relationship with someone is with a person that ignores me everyday, thankfully... :)

Thursday, 9 June 2022

Nobody knows anything anyway

 No one has any idea about my real state and though I have started to disclose some aspects like the high probability of my demise being this year, no one knows anything about the real extent of the damage and what I have been through these last years. 

I never met anyone truly caring and strong enough to deal with what implies being in contact with me. I thought he was a brave and strong person, but soon enough realized that he was not, he was even quite a weak and coward one that simply avoided reality and as I didn't want to be a drag I just stayed in a relationship for so many years being completely all by myself physically when I was more sick and needing care. And even so, with the distance and all, it seemed a marriage at the same being in contact everyday although only being together few days a month. And I was thankful that it was like that, even, because I could never impose my presence for too long or be in a place too long, or seeing someone feeling sad for me. All goes back to my whole life of being treated like a nuisance with all the illnesses by my family. 

I wish I could have loved people that wanted to be with me for real in their homes and lives., that really cared for me when I was down. Let someone truly take care of me for a change, I never knew how to let that happen, always told them it was okay for them to go out or whatever, and leave me when I was sick, there was never one person I asked to stay.

I guess that know that I am more aware of everything and more mature, knowing what I need truly, maybe I could've changed my defensive idiotic behaviour. But now it's all too late, though it's good to have clarity about stuff that happened all my life. 

Trusting someone is always risky anyway. I could never count with anyone so it's only natural that I don't trust anyone. 

Unfortunately the gut feeling is always right and I have been ignoring it all my life and paying the price for it. 

Tuesday, 7 June 2022

Passing by

 Let the years pass by
Who the fuck cares
I'm completely alone
Nothing really matters
Everyday is forgettable

Sunday, 5 June 2022

 To know that I am going to perish this year makes me sad, but a bit relieved to think that the hell I lived everyday in this life will finally end.

Saturday, 4 June 2022

 I miss you so much I could die.

Note to everyone 2

 All the support and work we put in to help someone shows that we love them. Life is only worth it if you have love, so make it worth it.

And if no one falls in love completely and utterly for you it's okay, don't ever forget that.

Friday, 3 June 2022

Note to everyone

 Never have a boyfriend that is also your best friend, because when you lose your boyfriend and he gets a new girlfriend you'll lose your best friend too, even if you were together for years.

Thursday, 2 June 2022

I need a lobotomy

 You are in my f*cking head all the time. I've been missing you everyday. 

Monday, 30 May 2022

 Preparing for my own death should be easier by now... :/

Sunday, 29 May 2022

Understanding

 But now that I understand what is behind it and that I know what I need and what I do not want anymore, maybe I can accept it and turn it all around. I wish I could. 

Now I need it also, to feel complete and well finally because I can speak up and say that I really do deserve more. You all were right. Thank you for abandoning me.

Saturday, 14 May 2022

Since I realized it a few years ago...

 The fact that I can't really love truly someone nice, because my formation of what love feels like and is, when I was a kid, that was made through the extremes of violence of someone who is violent and the one who was the sufferer of that violence, I have to come to a mindset of resignation that I won't ever be in an amorous relationship with someone ever again.

 While there's no pardon
there is no rest
Guilt takes our best
And makes us abandon

Please don't forget.

 All I ever wanted was to be free

by being with you again.

 As soon as I entered they were singing "É Doce Morrer no Mar". ;(
What am I without the sea?

Friday, 13 May 2022

How can one live like this?

Everyday that I wake up I wish I hadn't. 

Can't eat, can't sleep, no house, no love, no nothing. 

All the noise, the lack, the hell, only. 

Finding reasons is impossible, so illusory, and hobbies are even getting harder to carry on. 

Too many years like this. With no dreams that can be accomplished. 

And only 24/7 pain all over. 


You're never there, You're always there

 I call for you but you are nowhere to be found
I can't tell if you're still there
And then I catch a glimpse of the moon
As I go by the window

While I was listening to oldies on the radio
And dicing some vegetables for a stir-fry
I recalled our conversations again
So few, but so precious, for me at least
Because now it's all I can remember of us

When you leave me alone I fall into a pit 
Of darkness and emptiness
But then I remember that song again
And think to myself with aching chest
Filled with misery and woe:
We did our best nonetheless 
But I was stupid to spoil it all
And you were careless to let it happen

I would surely go back now to that point
Yes, now I would, because I deserve to know
I deserve to see it enroll and not sacrifice myself
Not again at least, I've even asked a girl for you,
So that it would put an end to all the pain
But funny how sometimes it's fine 
But sometimes it comes hurting all again
Exposing the utterly and undenying truth
That I've loved you for all this time.

(you were always on my mind - elvis ; today earlier radiofeels)

Sunday, 8 May 2022

 To have you hold my hand in yours, forevermore, to be free.

Saturday, 7 May 2022

 Do you even care about me? No, the facts are there for me to see. I was dumb enough to excuse you and not believe you were really tarnished by them. 

Wednesday, 4 May 2022

What about love?

 Do you think it's awful that I compiled a book of love poems when I really didn't love you the best I could have without making you suffer? Yeah, maybe you have accumulated wrath over that too. 

I realized again how much I truly made you my joy, a lot of it most of times, and I really had hope at some moments that you and everyone I ended up loving so much would one day be having fun all together with me. 

I guess all my life I waited for love to save me, my love for myself ended up the only thing that eventually will save me, they say. Still alive, aching, but still alive, now need to stop loving everyone and start loving myself only as you all say.

Tuesday, 3 May 2022

 If it's meant for me to die this year, let it be in September, the month I was born 

And if so, don't postpone your wedding, I will try to be there in (literally hehe and at least the problem of you buying me the bridesmaid dress won't be an issue anymore). 

 Everything hurts, 

Everything rusts,

I don't want to resuscitate anymore

You can take me to the other shore

Monday, 2 May 2022

 In my dream, you answered to her: "I think about her everyday".

 I see you almost everyday and many times I say to myself I couldn't ever be in love with you. But even when I don't see you there's something in me deep inside that knows that there is no other love and that unfortunately we're each other's like no other. 

Sunday, 1 May 2022

Men

 Have I mentioned that I hate you? I do. I have in some moments hated you with absolute wrath. Men that make me hate men in general. Yes, that's what you are.

The fact that you're all fucking irresponsible and deadly cowards does it.

 You're with the love of your life, it's her, that older boring woman you chose to be with again, as you said. So don't think I was the one, the woman of your life, the one you loved the most. Because I'm not. I never was, you abandoned me, you totally abandoned me, and don't think you didn't, don't say anymore that you didn't, just because you're still sending me a message once in a while. 

Why is it so fucking hard?

 Do I even mean anything at all to you of good and important? How can you leave us suffering like this? 

It's all a lie. 

You really think she is a younger version of me? Don't you know passion blinds and lies. 

Are we just the hormonal cocktail that bosses us around? 

Can you even acknowledge that you're wasting our precious time that could be the only chance we've got before inexistence ?

Friday, 29 April 2022

 I wanna know who you are

Live inside your mind Know exactly what you disguise I wanna know who you are Sleep inside your dreams Cuddle bending knees Stay in silence hearing the breeze I wanna know who you are When you are courageous and brave I wanna know who you saved Hug till the time is far

 Until we meet again

I'm gonna watch the moon and the stars for us Savour the burst of blueberries And never let my lips rust Cause I don't care if he marries Doesn't matter, I trust One day we'll be our turn I'll try to not totally burn

 I guess that the fact that I'm dying gave me the only freedom I didn't really signed for.

Tuesday, 26 April 2022

 If you only knew how lucky you are, if you felt it, if you truly stopped to notice, how incredible it would be for you ❤️

Monday, 25 April 2022

 I am so happy that he has made it, he got to where I wanted. If he knew that everything, every little thing (even when I told about some of my ex-boyfriends) I said and done was for him to get exactly to where he is now as a person and everything he got to have, he would probably still not thank me just out of pride LOL but I am really happy that he made it and that he can have a healthy love now. :)

 I swear that I don't get it, how can you ever be the one, it simply doesn't exist, it's impossible, though it's impossible to deny.

Again and again, Nothingman

 "Once divided, nothing left to subtract..., some words once spoken can't be taken back"... 

I'm gonna hang in just a little bit more, but then I'm done. I always knew this would be the end for me this year. That's what the 2(0)22 meant. 

I wish I had had a better chance than what I had, but maybe it's really like I heard yesterday "there is no chance/luck, only karma".

No one will ever know for sure. That is funny a bit to think of now.

 I never meant to hurt anyone, not even myself. 
But the storm is bigger than anything
And spares no one in its passage.

Trust issues

Of all the people who abandoned me, even knowing how ill I am, you are the only ones that I miss because I trusted you.
After spending years without needing anyone or even feeling lonely, never felt it really, I started feeling it only because of you. 

Sunday, 24 April 2022

It's me you wanted sleeping beside you

 Yes, I know what you feel, that I should be the one waking up beside you and that's why it's hard to hear my voice now even if you love hearing it. 

You'll spend your whole life with that feeling buried inside, that guilt, and you'll remember me from time to time, because there was no one like me to you and she is just too basic. But she is the one you chose ultimately, although you had no option. But then again, had you not really? 

We tell ourselves things are exactly as they should be, just for us not to bother. Yes, I think I did it too. It's a nice life you chose for yourself, isn't? It's at least all I can hope for you: for you to be happy and truly feel accomplished with the life you chose. 

Seen in perspective, some people get to have incredible lives. You had. You should be grateful. I didn't have and can't, but even so I'm so grateful when I think of the love I had and also that you gave to me. 

Years go by and all that's left is these memories that sometimes come again to remind us how we used to be.

Saturday, 23 April 2022

To be with you in dreams

 I wish I could meet you in my dreams, every night, at least. To live a life larger than life with you. To learn how to recover joy again as before. To feel everything. To fall in love with you, to see you and have that feeling that we already knew each other for a lifetime.

Thursday, 21 April 2022

Sun and Moon

 There will always be this sadness between us, this ache, because we will never be close. 

Tuesday, 19 April 2022

Monday, 18 April 2022

How long for will we hang on?

 For how long can we pretend we're not suffocating?
The air gets denser, my lungs shrink, my heart is too fast
I can't breath anymore when I acknowledge the truth
I see  you going crazy all over again depressed
Trying to do what you must do
Me too, I try, sometimes I really do, 
But it's not long before I fall into that absolute sadness
Of knowing we're not able to be close physically
And that it is all too much for me to even to think of it
I couldn't probably bear it, my body would collapse,
but I still imagine us, holding each other 
and slowly pretend a dance just to be glued 

I love you my darling being,
tears come to my eyes when I think of how much
And how I longed for our embrace

You're the girl with the lost soul that found mine
And you're the boy with the dark soul that is like mine.

Saturday, 16 April 2022

 I don't think I'm gonna make it, can't live like this, it's been too long, too much, and I'll never see you near, it's all so pointless... What's the use of feeling all that I felt if I can't even see you all?

Wednesday, 13 April 2022

 Where are you now? Are you happy? 


Little Beloved Monsters

 You're trying too hard, but she can't love you. Not really, ever. We're little monsters, you and I. No one can truly love us, because no one can really know us. 

Reality

The man I'm in love with exists only in my thoughts as an imagined perfect character, as the person who is utterly in love with me too and we get to swing slowly so warmly together in the most satisfying and best thing in the whole wide world that is us holding each other. Simple as that. And it's enough to numb the pain of deaths and dying.
Wouldn't it be nice? 
But reality is much different.

Tuesday, 12 April 2022

The strongest fucking thing

 It's too strong, the strongest thing, the connection, and it seems endless and unbreakable (even face the worst and the bad things), it's not physical, it's so much beyond. It is what it is, nothing can be done.

And as for the one who used to be my person and I his, just as he said this morning, it's just like "forever friends".

 I should've learned that no good deed goes by unpunished, in my case. Being a robin hood at 16, employing myself at macdonald's and giving more food hidden in happy meals boxes for poor kids made me catch a virus and have sequels till today... so I should've learned by then goddammit! LOL :/

Thursday, 7 April 2022

 I forgot how beautiful the world can be, its halo of light bathing flowers and trees, the warm breeze and the dancing wind. 

I forgot how beautiful life is. 

Monday, 4 April 2022

I gave you

 I gave you hope when you asked me

I gave you life when you were killing me

I gave you strife when you needed me to

I gave you scope when you begged me to

Friday, 1 April 2022

 It's almost funny how I was so loved through songs, about two decades ago, and now was so hated and insulted through them. 

Thursday, 31 March 2022

Him by Moonlight *

 The vanilla skies that Autumn brings
Where a starling flock flies and sings
Their murmuration drawings dancing at the sky
High on sunshine
The score of an epic film
That's him by moonlight
And not a dream
He's everything and more that I adore

*alternative lyrics to Stella by Starlight <3

Sunday, 27 March 2022

 To feel worthy of love finally, when will that happen? 

Tuesday, 22 March 2022

Sometimes I wish...

 ... I had a true love inside my heart, completely and utterly honest and complete,
but then I remember I had one and with the years everything changes and ends,
so it's just always a matter of time and therefore it's no use to break the heart again.

Saturday, 19 March 2022

Thursday, 17 March 2022

You don't

 You don't speak to me
You don't see me
You don't listen to me
You don't say you miss me
You don't hear me 
You don't do anything for me
You don't love me
Do you?

 To know that you feel for me as I feel for you
so 
so
so
must be enough

Monday, 14 March 2022

 Everything hurts. On the brink of dying.
All I wanted was you to forgive me.

I wish I could feel something, but I don't feel anything.
Just a broken heart because I thought you were my friend.

Monday, 7 March 2022

 I wonder if you ever even care or worry about me, or is it just a despair or a nuisance just to think about...

Saturday, 5 March 2022

What will be of us?

Through pandemic years
And war times with nuclear menaces
Despotic leaders elected by blind masses
Peoples against peoples

What will be of us,
two lovers condemned by life?

Thursday, 3 March 2022

 Never give up, goddamit, cuz there can be some medical or whatever substance breakthrough, even if it takes f*cking decades and you're already a f*cking fossil.

Friday, 25 February 2022

The night and the sea

 The night drinks from the sea,
she nurtures herself with his minerals,
it's their secret love affair in the dark,
only the stars and the moon witness
how they are eternally connected 
and will continue to spawn life
into this world. 

Wednesday, 23 February 2022

 Remind me of how we used to be when we were in love.

Remembrance of Stella by Starlight

 I will show you everyday that you are loved and it will hurt us sometimes more, sometimes less, and though I have a hope inside me that one day it won't hurt anymore, I will still love you nonetheless. I'm not trying to impress. It's just the ecstasy doing the talk. The pure ecstatic feeling that is Stella by Starlight and not a dream.

 Sometimes it's not enough.

Tuesday, 22 February 2022

Monday, 21 February 2022

 You're the bomb that exploded and decimated hundreds of hearts
And then I came along and saw your engine and broke it apart.

Sunday, 20 February 2022

 When the people you most love, don't care for you and never have gestures of affection towards you, your heart eventually shrivels and gets so sad that it slowly dies.

Saturday, 19 February 2022

Wednesday, 9 February 2022

Humane obligation

 When life and yourself have equipped you with tools to be stronger and more resourceful than most people, you have the moral obligation to help others finding their own tools too, as you're inserted in the same human society.

Tuesday, 8 February 2022

What happens in me

 What happens in me when I hear you
Your voice going deep inside 
Like thunder or just embracing me
Like bathing with small raindrops
While floating on the calm ocean

What happens in me when I see you
Your looks so tender and mild
Once suffering but now not at all
And not mine
I grieve slowly and increasingly

What happens in me when you're gone
Your absence dives me in a pit of sadness
My heart skips a beat and malfunctions
The depressed air fills my lungs deeply
And there's no way out of this woe.

 

Thursday, 3 February 2022

 Does one make things to feel more human, or does feel more human when makes things?

Wednesday, 2 February 2022

Blue or green?

 Your blue eyes still haunt me 
Or is it when they turned into green?

I miss how I would make you laugh
and how I would laugh only a bit
of your stupid unacceptable jokes


Now the weather changes 
The sun might be out
And I never get to see
If they change again
Blue or green
What will it be?



Tuesday, 1 February 2022

The man that you are

 I like it when you're kind
When you're attentive
When you show you're vulnerable
But also when you're brave
When you're courageous
When you are sensible. 

That's the part of the man you are
That's the man I love.

Sunday, 30 January 2022

Faith

 I'm a faithless man with my faith deposited in you.
My only devotion, my creed and belief.
It's because of you that I believe in breathing,
in the good things, in the signs of beauty and life,
because what's there in you deep inside
is pure and fiery 
my everything
my absolute
my wholeness.

Friday, 28 January 2022

Please don't let too much time go by

 If you care at all, please don't let too much time go by, because then there's no way of coming back. I know that. You know it too. Would you really like that to happen, for us to be without each other, but only in thought sometimes, or you even so rarely, who knows? I don't. I'm not sure of anything, because you never tell me anything for real, do you? and what you show is only despise and wrath and anger, it seems you can't really take the time to handle. 

There's nothing I can do. I cannot tell you anything else. I've told so much, many times trying to convince us, I guess. Because it's all too much of a mess and confusion. Nothing really is and it is everything. All I seem to try to say seems like a lie, forcing myself and yourself and I don't even know why all this so much.

If I stop you stop, I know. Is it how it is to be? 
Just like before what I did to me?

Alright. If you don't give me anything, any sign, I'll follow your oblivion towards me. I am, after all, your slave, am I not? LOL I still find it all particularly funny and crazy. Yeah, yeah, I know you hate that.  

Wednesday, 26 January 2022

just another crisis...

Another Addisonian Crisis, hadn't had one this strong in a while, all because of her again, with her vicious sentences to hurt me all the time, making me remember how I'm nothing but a crappy shit, and then of course I couldn't take it anymore, blew up as a good old traumatized kid for my whole life, with the accumulation of triggers, still have the shakes and the coldness and an ache in my chest, my cardiac part, it's all messed up. Being sick and not having anyone who understands is awful, especially when you weren't loved as you should have been for the people that should have loved you most.

At least he didn't leave me completely hanging today and also seeing him sing is so important to me that it saves me too in some ways. If he only knew how important he is, more than life itself, I guess it would be too much to carry on the shoulders, already is.

But the truth still is the same: if it weren't for the good things they make I wouldn't have almost anything to be glad about in this life and truly enjoy something. I know I should be glad too when I make my own art, and I do achieve that, but it's different, it's another sense of fulfillment of course. 

Also makes me feel hypocrite for trying to make someone not kill himself when all I've been wanting to do all my life whenever crap like this happens, even more, is to die and finally not have to suffer anymore with all this hell every time.

 

Before I die, you should decide to live

 Before I die, kid, I want you to know that you should decide to live and not give up. I'm not going to tell you this exactly, but something alike, now that I'm trying to tell you how I made my mind stronger to not fall again and again in depression and despair. 
How life gets intricate I know, but I also made myself untie the knots, stubbornly I made it through, I can see it in a much simpler way, everything gets clearer faster nowadays. I guess I exercised my mind so much by doing it that it's now much easier and intuitive. You can do it too. To be intelligent this way is a kind of glory that you will feel if you do appreciate your development. I hope you get to and also have all that perspectives that are so needed in order to "see the whole picture". 
I hope that, truly, one day you will find a poem or any other piece of art or just see something that you find so beautiful, that you say you are glad to have seen this and that it makes living worth it. It's one of the great feelings one can have. 

The love / man of your dreams

 The man with the kindest eyes, so deep inside, always so bright and every other being was drawn to his love. That was the man of your dreams. So many dreams, all fantasies of love and kindness and peace. The last man you had was a kind of Greek god on Earth and like all gods he had that one defect of being capricious. One should not fall in love with gods for they're just as human and mortal as everyone else.
Remember that you asked for someone polite, educated, curious, dedicated, faithful, bright, and so many other qualities. But since then you've discovered that there is no balance in a man, even when he is so complex and seems complete. 
Plus, no one knows what true love is (except for what I found after years of study and observation) and people are just too bound to everything that it isn't: ambition, pleasure, possessiveness, desire, lust, passion, envy, jealousy, etc. 


*movie with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman

Friday, 21 January 2022

 Note to Self: Next time you help someone, make sure you're not killing yourself by devastating your organs and risk fatality, especially for someone who doesn't give a crap not as much to put a stupid "like" on a post of your art. 

Thursday, 20 January 2022

 Dying isn't easy in the body: fading away, vertigo, feeling the icy death on the whole body. 

I'm tired, my love, where are you to hold me to my last breath?

Sunday, 16 January 2022

Anedony

 What is wrong with me again? 
Why can't I feel anything?

I don't know why it's happening
all over again
but maybe it's a bit different
because I don't feel bad

So maybe I'm just fed up
of feeling and hurting for others
and then this happened inside
the complete absence.

Saturday, 15 January 2022

 There's a nice feeling of relief too and not only just sadness when I realize there was never really anyone for me and therefore no one will suffer a cutting wound when I'm gone. 

Thursday, 13 January 2022

Gods

 One should never mess with gods, for they are always inevitably capricious tyrants.

Tuesday, 11 January 2022

 I have always wanted to know when was I going to die, but now that I have this notion that I am going to die soon I simply don't find it very interesting anymore. 

It turns out I'm really going to "die of love" lol

 This is all so crazy, that I was actually thinking of how I might have "wished" this all through my life unconsciously. This whole thing of an impossible and fantasy love and me dying and having this feeling so certain.
And to know that inadvertently, for all the effort I made in helping all of them I have worsen my state of disease to an ending point, is again that idea that I am actually really dying of love. The love that I had didn't save me at all, how people may think, it actually was my demise. 
How pathetic of a ultraromantic era character have I become, it's really idiotic and to laugh about.