Wednesday, 29 June 2022

The privilege

 To be truly loved by you, what a magnificent honour and privilege it would be.

I miss you so f*cking much, what about you?

It's all good

We can't blame ourselves, just let us forget what happened and carry on well, because the love between exists and it can be there still and quiet, dear and nice, just to tap into when we need our comforting that we used to give each other. I do love you, I hope one day the hurt goes all away from you and the love remains. 

Tuesday, 28 June 2022


 You made me realize so many things about myself. You made me suffer too. You destroyed me after building me up. Broke my heart after filling it. You don't even bother to ever apologize for all you did to me. And the truth is I never imagined you would. You have no conscience. I always knew that, it was just an acquired fact. 

It seems...

 So there is something, just like all the strength of the emotion we once felt together, but what am I to do with it, specially under my circumstances and you not feeling it as me? Just let time pass and believe? If I knew what I saw was true, I would wait 20 years, yes, but I don't have much health now, actually fading away and your lack of care for me just makes it all worse.

 I don't love you anymore, you have hurt me too much and I wouldn't ever want to be with you again. 

Sunday, 26 June 2022

Letter to my crazy boy

 My dear beloved crazy boy,

I'm writing you this letter in order to tell you that I loved you more than life itself, like a mother loves her child. But you were never mine and that is fine. Thousands of women have nurtured you in so many ways. Maybe I was one of them just for an instant, a split second, before our fated death. 
I have watched you grow and sent you everything that could be good for you, even a big healthy love for you to call your own and know in this life of yours. 
My beautiful crazy giant child, how was I to know what you really wanted, right? But even so you got it and will get it all. 
If your heart is sick and your mind is wicked I don't know if you're just having all the blessings for the karma and dharma, or if it will accumulate for your next life. Truth be told, I don't know nothing about it, you know how I don't (can't) believe in anything. 
In you I don't have to, because I know and can see all your potential and I don't mean like a person but rather as a professional. 

Anyway, maybe I will write to you some other time, perhaps if I find myself thinking of something that I should really tell you. Either way, there's nothing we can say to each other that is more worthy than staying in silence, except of course to try to tell how much we love each other, were it true. 

P.S.: I know you are not crazy at all. :)

Saturday, 25 June 2022


 Okay, so it's not that it isn't real, but that it is not practical in reality. 


 Though I couldn't bear
To know that you loved me
I wish everyday that I'd know
That I could be sure somehow
Instead of lying in bed everyday
Spending all the time wondering
If you really love or hate me
Because I can't know for sure
And I grew on liking that its secret
So deep and so incomprehensible
That only us can feel its nature
Deep inside taking on the universe
If we even dare to think about it
And then we ourselves can't take it
Its overflowing and immensity
People, opposite to ourselves,
Won't think we're crazy lunatics 
Like we think of ourselves and all.

Stay very still

 I'm remembering again that nothing is meant to, at least no good thing, it's just as I always thought, you can do stuff for your own self, not counting on things to happen or even waiting, it's all chance; just take it for all these years you suspended everything and really nothing of much happened without being the one or two things you were doing. 

That whole "stay very still" so nothing of troubles come all the time; of course, with so many variables now, there is a lot happening all around though. 

But not exactly for you, if you keep really still, you may find your ostracism track again. 

 Yeah, it's just like that, we are all going to die and I am closer to that than everyone else I know. Being ignored and despised was the best and I know I am the one to blame, 'cause I made it on purpose, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt about it everyday.

I just couldn't do it.

Thursday, 23 June 2022

Once upon a time I really had two soul-brothers

 Can you never let me go, even if it's just like this? I promise I won't really say anything anymore. Just want to see my soul-brothers happy. 

I thank for having had two soul-brothers in this life, though I lost their will to be closer because I meddled too much in order to make them stay better to themselves and also with the ladies. 

And yeah, in this case it wasn't funny at all as history repeats itself.

 I'm just a sensitive fella.

The real things

 I know you like the real things and the real touches and the real details, but who says what is really felt by real if not ourselves. When a dream is so vivid that you can feel the touch, didn't you feel it like real? When you close your eyes and imagine us floating together on the Dead Sea, leaning our head on each other's shoulders, isn't it the most real thing in that moment? Can't you see it? Can't you feel it? Without having to touch it even. It's so much that it becomes palpable, a solid thing, a whole monument, just is.

I know, you said it before, I imagine too much, I wander in things that aren't real. 

For a thousand years

 Sometimes it feels like I've been loving you for a thousand years.

Wednesday, 22 June 2022

 Will you say that you love me before I am gone from this world?

Tuesday, 21 June 2022

 Would you still love me now that I am old and grey and dying?

This is us

 Is this our life now? Is this what we are doomed to be? Dragging in this world this secret sorrow, while trying to pretend and hoping and believing that we'll forget and it will pass... And even if we have what we're missing, who would say that we're really the only ones as acknowledged at points? 

How does one link to another so hard like it was if there's no soul? It's just the mind playing it's tricks, you'd say. You don't even believe in soul. 

I wish you'd really exist, it's a pity that you don't.

My bright star

 Go ahead, my love, be the brightest star in the sky. I'll be looking at you up there shining so bright <3

Monday, 20 June 2022

 I'm nobody. Thanks for that. Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I love you, I know that maybe it's all my fault also for wishing for her but I do hate it all sometimes. Goddamn it! I wish everything could have been simple. 

 You saw right through me
I saw right through you
All the lies we said
But we were wrong
Now our love seems dead
But remains in that song

Sunday, 19 June 2022

The strongest mother fucker

 The thing about being the strongest mother fucker ever is that no one really knows you. 

 I still feel your face when I touch mine in the mirror.

Friday, 17 June 2022

We're shipwrecked in this together

 Yeah, I know it's been a long time now and I should have let you go right before you told me not to, but now I can no longer conceive my world without you, so you can already imagine how hard it is to not be with you near glued on basically. 

I never belonged anywhere. You do, it seems, belong to some places and people, in fact many. Maybe you lied too about that to me. Who knows? 

Is it my awful love, like you say, dragging you or is it that you feel it too, this indeed murky and seemingly pointless feeling, but so immense like a deluge?

Wednesday, 15 June 2022

No one

 Who is there for me? No one. Ever. And I turned out pretty weird lol What do you think?

There's no end for this confusion of complexities.


 So it turns out it's not a matter of having a reason to live but instead trying to get to the deep consciousness to see if one can find out what is their mission in life. It might be a really simple mission, like having to press one button everyday, but it's the one thing that you are meant to be doing in the "great design of things". 

I was thinking that being useful - in quantities that don't surpass my well-being - is one of the things I like for feeling that it's not all going to waste and that dying isn't stopping me from doing all the things totally. But that is not my mission, I thought before that it could be that the things I write could help others feel less alone in this world, knowing that there's someone who is a bit like them. I wish that was true, like once when I had a reader on my blog, João was his name, and he used to say how much my writing meant for him. 

I guess making a difference in someone's life (like it has happened all my life doing it for others somehow) is something I also like when it happens. Just have sort out in between the things related to self-esteem issues and ego too. 

The mission, more concrete and pressing, is to keep on going, stay alive, do the things that are needed like the book and try to realize for good what is The Mission. 

 Thank you for your pity, or compassion, or mercy or whatever.

Us, the imminent dying, are grateful.

Tuesday, 14 June 2022

 Is it because I am dying, or is it because I have bothered you a lot, or is it because you simply don't care?

Another epiphany

 Some things you have to deserve them (like trust, etc.) and some you don't (like love). 


 Did you get inspired inspired to be open and stronger just because I showed you how I am? If you pay attention to people you will find many worlds to explore and see so much that you can take as an example. 

I want to keep being myself and hope that it will be a good thing.

Hard to deal with this now

 Remember when you made sure you had nothing to lose and isolated yourself so that no one could be hurt by your departure? Those were days you knew for sure that it was easier to die. Now that you committed the error of meeting people, even if it's only  "virtually", life has become confusing again and pain got a new dimension added. 

I just hate it all. Life was never simple as much as I tried to make it, it was only troubles all the time.


 Can someone be unbroken after being shattered?

 Maybe I'll die when I least expect it, or not. I just wanted to know with a bit of timethe before what day it will be, for a matter of practicality really. But I guess it is not going to happen that way. :(

Monday, 13 June 2022

The man that I love doesn't exist but ..

 I do see him in my mind everyday, whenever I close my eyes there he is with his tenderness. 

I'd love to caress his hair while he was falling asleep, instead and not make that old repetitive movement of passing my fingertips on his eyebrow to help him asleep.

He gets so calm when he is with me, like I'm his best place to stay and be for hours and hours. Wouldn't it be nice if we could forget again that the world exists, just by being in each other's arms. I thought I had that when I was younger but it wasn't really the one to stay with forever, as soon it showed. I remember the feeling though, of wanting nothing else than be there in someone's arms forever. I know I won't have that again with someone, but I wish I did this time for real and with no ending. "Into my arms", yes. Meanwhile, I'll just have to imagine that he lays by my side too and loves me more than anything in this world. 
Wasn't the biggest love the most beautiful thing, while it lasted in its naivety? :) 

Sunday, 12 June 2022

 He lives with someone else and still wanted to come here to have dinner with me. Never apologized for what he did, all the awful things he said and just acts like nothing happened. If I say something, he totally gaslights me surely. 

I'm just tired of dealing with people in general and 4 guys in particular that I just quit on trying to talk with.

You are awful like everyone, congrats!

 Even knowing that I am dying you've treated me so awfully.


 You're so fucking low that you should pay for everything you've done to all women. 

Is there a soul-mate?

 I stopped believing when I had my heart broken by my first big love at 17. 

Now more than 20 years passed and I got myself asking what the heck was going on, even if there was a karmic connection between someone else and me, like if my ancestors expelled his ancestors out of the country or what, such was the baffling and strength of the whole thing. 

Sometimes I'm afraid it won't pass and that there is indeed that thing they said about twin-flames. 

I was just now watching "a little something for your birthday" with Sharon Stone and I got myself crying on one of the last scenes where they say that they changed their mind about wedding and that whole "there's only one person that you'll truly love", because I started to say to myself "it will pass", "it's craziness", "it's impossible", "nothing to do with it"; but then I remembered that they too in the movie took some years to finally admit it and get it. 

But in my case it's not true, because I am likely to die this year or so. Still, you guys, if you truly think/feel you find your soul mate and can't live without them you should be with them, even if it breaks your heart further on. I guess.

Saturday, 11 June 2022

Factum est

 The basic fact is that you're fucking someone else. Yeah, that's the fucking truth. I shouldn't even be sad about it, because it's the woman of your life and I was never the one to be. If I knew who you were truly I would have never been with you. 

I wasn't made to live

 I wasn't made to live
It all seems so in vain
Same old routines
Same old things

I wanted to give you love
The greatest love everyday
Take away the pain

But I shouldn't love anyone
I shouldn't be friends too
Not only because I'm dying
As I'm also unable to talk
Or get close without symptoms

What have I done?
Amazingly I was happier before
Or at least didn't suffer as much.

Friday, 10 June 2022

 How can you miss someone so fucking much?

 Who would've said that my best relationship with someone is with a person that ignores me everyday, thankfully... :)

Thursday, 9 June 2022

Nobody knows anything anyway

 No one has any idea about my real state and though I have started to disclose some aspects like the high probability of my demise being this year, no one knows anything about the real extent of the damage and what I have been through these last years. 

I never met anyone truly caring and strong enough to deal with what implies being in contact with me. I thought he was a brave and strong person, but soon enough realized that he was not, he was even quite a weak and coward one that simply avoided reality and as I didn't want to be a drag I just stayed in a relationship for so many years being completely all by myself physically when I was more sick and needing care. And even so, with the distance and all, it seemed a marriage at the same being in contact everyday although only being together few days a month. And I was thankful that it was like that, even, because I could never impose my presence for too long or be in a place too long, or seeing someone feeling sad for me. All goes back to my whole life of being treated like a nuisance with all the illnesses by my family. 

I wish I could have loved people that wanted to be with me for real in their homes and lives., that really cared for me when I was down. Let someone truly take care of me for a change, I never knew how to let that happen, always told them it was okay for them to go out or whatever, and leave me when I was sick, there was never one person I asked to stay.

I guess that know that I am more aware of everything and more mature, knowing what I need truly, maybe I could've changed my defensive idiotic behaviour. But now it's all too late, though it's good to have clarity about stuff that happened all my life. 

Trusting someone is always risky anyway. I could never count with anyone so it's only natural that I don't trust anyone. 

Unfortunately the gut feeling is always right and I have been ignoring it all my life and paying the price for it. 

Tuesday, 7 June 2022

Passing by

 Let the years pass by
Who the fuck cares
I'm completely alone
Nothing really matters
Everyday is forgettable

Sunday, 5 June 2022

 To know that I am going to perish this year makes me sad, but a bit relieved to think that the hell I lived everyday in this life will finally end.

Saturday, 4 June 2022

 I miss you so much I could die.

Note to everyone 2

 All the support and work we put in to help someone shows that we love them. Life is only worth it if you have love, so make it worth it.

And if no one falls in love completely and utterly for you it's okay, don't ever forget that.

Friday, 3 June 2022

Note to everyone

 Never have a boyfriend that is also your best friend, because when you lose your boyfriend and he gets a new girlfriend you'll lose your best friend too, even if you were together for years.

Thursday, 2 June 2022

I need a lobotomy

 You are in my f*cking head all the time. I've been missing you everyday.