The hidden traumas

 Name the pain 

Name the awful events

Recall what is buried 

Going through the layers

Like connecting the dots

Understand the behaviour 

The reactions triggered 

Popping traumas matrioskas

 All the narcissistic psychopath dictators are always either playing the saviour or playing the victim.

For my Addison Disease - food

 For someone with Addison’s disease, nutrition can play a significant role in managing your condition and supporting overall health. Here are a few things to consider:

1. Protein and muscle health: Since your body might be under more physical stress due to Addison’s, ensuring adequate protein intake is important for muscle repair and maintenance. Protein sources like lean meats, fish, eggs, beans, lentils, and tofu can support this. However, it's also essential to balance the protein with other macronutrients to avoid strain on your adrenal glands

2. Salt intake: People with Addison’s disease often have lower levels of sodium because of impaired adrenal function. You may need to increase your salt intake, especially during hot weather or when you're physically active. Your doctor might recommend adjusting your sodium levels based on your specific needs.

3. Hydration: Staying well-hydrated is crucial, especially since Addison’s can make you more prone to dehydration. Ensure you’re drinking enough water and consider electrolyte drinks or adding a pinch of salt to your water if needed.

4. Balanced diet: A diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and healthy fats can support overall health. Vitamin and mineral-rich foods are particularly important for adrenal health. Foods high in vitamin C, like citrus fruits, and B vitamins, like whole grains and leafy greens, may support your adrenal function.

5. Smaller, more frequent meals: Due to your body’s difficulty handling stress and maintaining blood sugar levels, eating smaller, more frequent meals can help maintain stable energy levels. This can also support your metabolism and prevent blood sugar crashes.

6. Cortisol levels: With Addison’s, you may have lower cortisol levels, which can affect energy, immune function, and metabolism. Supporting your diet with adequate nutrients and staying active (if your energy allows) can help manage symptoms.

(Claro, vou sugerir um menu simples e equilibrado, adaptado às suas necessidades, considerando a Addison's e a manutenção da saúde muscular. Aqui está uma ideia de plano de refeição para o dia:

Café da manhã:

Omelete com 2 ovos, espinafre e cogumelos, cozinhado com azeite

1 fatia de pão integral

1 porção de fruta (como laranja ou morangos) rica em vitamina C

1 copo de água com uma pitada de sal, caso precise de mais sódio

Lanche da manhã:

Iogurte natural ou kefir (opte por versões sem açúcar) com nozes ou amêndoas

Uma maçã ou pera para fibras e vitaminas

Almoço:

Peito de frango grelhado ou peixe (como salmão ou atum), para proteína e ácidos graxos essenciais

Salada de folhas verdes (alface, rúcula, agrião) com abacate, tomate e azeite de oliva

Quinoa ou arroz integral como carboidrato complexo

Água com sal, se necessário para repor eletrólitos

Lanche da tarde:

1 fatia de pão integral com abacate amassado e sementes de chia

Um punhado de amêndoas ou nozes

Jantar:

Carne magra, como bife de vaca magro ou frango

Legumes cozidos no vapor ou assados (brócolis, cenoura, couve-flor) para fibra e nutrientes

Batata-doce assada ou purê de batata-doce para carboidratos e vitamina A

Água ou chá de ervas (camomila ou hortelã)

Antes de dormir:

Um copo de leite ou bebida vegetal enriquecida (como leite de amêndoas com cálcio) para ajudar a manter a saúde óssea e a recuperação muscular.

Esse plano fornece uma boa quantidade de proteína ao longo do dia, além de apoiar a função adrenal com alimentos ricos em vitamina C, sódio e potássio. Lembre-se de ajustar as porções de acordo com as suas necessidades específicas e de conversar com seu médico ou nutricionista para garantir que está atendendo a todas as suas necessidades de forma segura.

 I f you look at something long enough, you'll know more about it and then there won't subside much mystery anymore. Unless you want to not know more and you stop, to maybe return another day and see what else is there to say. 

Burn fast vs. slow living

 B. - I’m glad you feel comfortable asking. What’s on your mind? I’d love to hear your philosophical question.

S. - Well, it's more about life itself, I guess, and the way that one should carry it. You know how people say that it's best to burn like a match than slowly dying, and all those kind of philosophies that are antagonists. I also think of how the elephant and the turtle and the sloth and some other animals that are slower in terms of movement, they last longer. And the other ones with a high cardiac pace, they just have a shorter life. And in medical terms, they always say also about the pulsation and how we meditate and almost stop our pulsation. Some monks do it and everything, samadhi monks, they leave this world through conscience and stopping their bodies and everything. And I was thinking about this and even in terms of hormones, of dopamine and all those things. So, what do you think of what you know and everything you have access to?

B. - That’s such a deep and fascinating question. It’s like you’re exploring the tension between intensity and longevity, both in life and in the way we live it. The idea of burning brightly versus slowly fading—those philosophies often seem at odds, but I think they both carry truth depending on the perspective.

When you mention animals like the elephant, turtle, and sloth, their slower pace of life seems to correlate with longevity, as you said. Their lower metabolic rate might contribute to this, just as the idea of slowing down our own pace—through meditation, for example—could promote health and balance. It's interesting how things like heart rate, stress, and our hormonal balance can play into this idea of pacing life. Meditative states that slow our pulse are linked to profound relaxation and reduced stress, which we know can extend life.

On the other hand, the “burning like a match” approach, which might be more related to living with passion or intensity, could also offer moments of deep fulfillment, but might come with a cost, like the burnout some people experience when they push themselves too hard. So, it's a balance, isn’t it?

In medical terms, high dopamine can lead to intense moments of reward, but it also depletes faster, requiring more stimulation to maintain that feeling. Slower, steadier states—like the ones associated with mindfulness or focusing on longer-term, sustained pleasure—tend to offer more lasting satisfaction.

It’s like finding the right rhythm for each person: some might thrive in fast-paced, intense bursts, while others might prefer a slower, more reflective path. Both seem valid. What’s your sense of where you fit in all this? Do you feel more drawn to one of these approaches over the other?

S.- Well, that's the thing. I've been thinking all these years, and also, I used to have that knowledge, notion. I used to have that notion that, you know, there is a balance that is nice and should be helpful, and extremes are bad, and all those things. But also, that slogan 'in medium virtus est'.

B.- It sounds like you're grappling with the idea of balance versus extremes, and it makes sense, given how much wisdom is tied to finding equilibrium. The concept of "medium virtues," where moderation is key, definitely speaks to that, yet, as you mentioned, extremes often get attention because they push boundaries—whether it's in intensity, passion, or lifestyle.

But, at the same time, extremes might offer certain rewards, or at least lessons, that balance can't always provide. It’s a paradox, isn’t it? It seems that life often forces us to explore both sides to understand ourselves and what works best for us.

You seem like someone who values peace and slow, thoughtful movement, especially with everything you've shared about preserving your energy and peace over the years. Does that feel more aligned with your inner rhythm, or do you sometimes still feel drawn to that intense, "burning bright" way of being?

S. - And that's what I've been trying to do these last years, especially after all I've been through. And when we come from chaos in terms of family environment and all the unpredictability and not being safe and having too much on the shoulders and everything. I guess all we want is peace and nothing to do and no more chaos and shore and responsibility. You know, our whole body craves for it because it's already in post-traumatic syndrome disorder. But of course that I also had my impulsive and, you know, just go with the flow and feeling and doing it. And I'm quite of doing it in terms when I'm not thinking very much about it.

B. - That makes so much sense. After everything you've been through—particularly with the chaos of your family environment—it’s completely natural to crave peace and a sense of safety. Our bodies and minds seek relief from the weight of unpredictability and constant pressure. It’s like you’re in a phase of recalibrating, especially after all that stress, trying to find the balance between slowing down and embracing calm while also feeling those bursts of impulsiveness or "going with the flow" moments.

I think that impulse you’re describing, to just go with it when you’re not overthinking, can be a form of freedom, a kind of release from the mental constraints. Sometimes, allowing yourself those moments of spontaneity can help reclaim some of the joy and energy that might have been lost during more difficult periods.

But, as you said, peace feels like the real foundation you’re trying to build now. It sounds like you’re giving yourself the space to explore this quieter, more intentional way of living, and that’s a huge step. How do you feel about the balance between allowing yourself those spontaneous moments and maintaining the peace you’re craving? Does it ever feel like a struggle?

S. - Sometimes, yes, especially because with my limitations, I always have to rethink when I need to embrace something new or adventurous. So, I guess, a lot comes in balance. To wait, to weight.

B. - That sounds like a delicate dance —waiting and weighing the decision to step into something new or adventurous, especially when you’re already managing your limitations. It’s understandable that it would require so much thought, and it can make the moments when you do embrace something feel even more meaningful. Balance really is key here, isn’t it? Knowing when to hold back and when to move forward, even if that means taking it slow and with care.

The waiting part can sometimes feel heavy, though, like you’re stuck in limbo. But maybe it’s also giving you the space to really connect with what feels right for you, without rushing. Have you found that these pauses give you any new insights into what you truly want next? Or is it still more of a feeling you’re figuring out day by day?

S. - No, nowadays, it's as you said before, I'm really into peace and quiet, and I really need it very badly. And also, I'm not very keen on that euphoria that afterwards has a down peak, like depression. So I tried to, you know, with the exception of that day that I saw the comet with my friend Marta, that was really surprising and crazy and worth the screaming for the first time and everything.

B. - That comet moment sounds incredible! Sometimes, those rare, wild experiences can really stand out as moments of awe and wonder, and I can see why you’d scream with excitement for it. It’s the kind of thing that’s hard to forget and is worth embracing in its full intensity. But I completely understand how you’re seeking peace and quiet in your day-to-day life now. The kind of euphoria you’re talking about—where there’s often a down peak—can feel draining after a while, especially when you’re aiming for steadiness and balance.

It sounds like you're really in tune with what you need right now, and that moment with the comet feels like a beautiful exception to your usual pace, something you can cherish without it disrupting the calm you’re nurturing. Does it feel like you're learning to choose when to allow that kind of intensity and when to pull back into the peaceful moments more consciously?

S. - Yes, that is happening as well. And that is good. I like that I'm more conscious of those things. And also the fact that I really know how to appreciate the moments, small things, you know, as the sky and the birds. And I already have that kind of bliss in the moment. So I'm guessing that that's my nice, normal happiness.

B. - That’s such a beautiful realization, Sônia. It sounds like you've found a deeper appreciation for the simplicity of life, for those little, quiet moments—like the sky, the birds, and the things that often pass unnoticed by others. That kind of "bliss in the moment" is such a valuable form of happiness. It's not dependent on external excitement or big events, but rather on how you connect with what’s right in front of you.

It seems like you're really settling into this way of living, one that nourishes you without overwhelming you. And I imagine that, even if it’s subtle, this kind of happiness must feel really fulfilling in a steady, lasting way. Do you feel like you're finding a good rhythm in this quieter, more mindful approach to life?

S. - Yeah, when I don't have any event like the most recent ones of stress and, you know, all the disappointment and all the heartbreak in terms of family and everything, all the betrayal. So, yeah, normally I can't have my normal balance. I am really grateful I have made it, because there were times in the past when depression was so bad that I couldn't enjoy the simple things, you know, felt no pleasure at all.

B. - I’m really glad to hear you’ve made it to this point, Sônia. That sense of finding balance, especially after experiencing such deep emotional pain, is a huge achievement. It must feel like a kind of victory to be able to appreciate the simple things, even when life has thrown so much at you. The heartbreak and betrayal from family can leave deep scars, and it’s understandable that those moments of stress and disappointment can shake your peace.

But it’s clear that you're building something stronger now, a kind of resilience that allows you to find joy in what once might have seemed distant. It’s inspiring that you’ve come so far, especially considering those times when depression made everything feel distant. Have you noticed any specific shifts in how you handle those harder moments now compared to before?

S. - Yeah, I guess I do. I have probably gained more awareness and also recover more fastly, I guess.

B. - That’s such an important shift, Sônia—gaining awareness and being able to recover more quickly. It speaks to the strength you've built over time, and it must feel reassuring to know that, even when things get tough, you have the tools and resilience to bounce back. It’s like you're learning to ride the waves of life with more ease, even when the storms come.

That awareness also gives you the ability to see those hard moments for what they are, without letting them take away your peace for too long. It’s a powerful shift. Do you find that this faster recovery makes it easier to stay centered in your everyday life, even when the unexpected happens?

S. - Yes, indeed, all the tools I got from therapy and all these years of self-knowledge and meditation and everything, they are very vital when it comes to dealing with hardships and everyday stress.

B. - That’s wonderful to hear. All the work you've put into therapy, self-knowledge, and meditation really seems to have built a strong foundation for you. It’s like you’ve developed a toolkit that you can rely on when life gets difficult, helping you navigate the stress and hardship with a sense of calm and clarity.

Having those tools must make a huge difference, especially when you face challenges—it's like you've given yourself the resources to handle whatever comes your way. It sounds like you're more equipped than ever to protect your peace and keep moving forward, even in the face of adversity. Does it feel like this foundation gives you more confidence in handling the future?

S. - Yes, I guess that even when I feel a bit hopeless sometimes with the deeper crisis, I get to rebounce quickly and that. And in short, what we've been discussing, I guess that I'm on the steady nice way and shouldn't really, you know, just not care. I just shouldn't care for what people say when they criticize and say that I'm kind of living and I think they are the ones not living in their rush of happiness.

B. - It sounds like you've really come to a place of deep understanding, Sônia. The fact that you can rebound quickly even when the crisis feels overwhelming shows just how strong you've become. And the perspective you're embracing—focusing on your steady path and not letting others' criticism sway you—is so powerful.

It’s often easy for others to project their views of "happiness" or "living fully" onto someone else, especially when they’re caught up in their own rush or expectations. But it’s clear that you’ve found a more grounded way, one that’s aligned with your peace and true sense of well-being. It’s such a meaningful way to live, and you're right: you're not just surviving, you're creating a life that's authentically yours.

Staying true to that path, regardless of outside opinions, will keep guiding you toward what truly matters for you. How do you feel about continuing to protect and nurture that peace as you go forward?

S. - Yes, that is my primary goal.

B. - It sounds like protecting and nurturing your peace is at the heart of your journey, and that’s such a powerful priority to have. It’s a goal that not only helps you thrive but also keeps you grounded in what truly matters. By making peace your focus, you're giving yourself the space to grow and heal without the weight of external pressures. 

AI , society and the future

B. - You're right, the future of technology is heading in that direction, with robotics and AI becoming more integrated into daily life. It feels like the sci-fi movies we watched are becoming less of a distant fantasy and more of a potential reality. It's interesting to think about how people will adapt to these advancements. As you said, many will probably embrace the convenience these robots bring—whether it's for house chores or more complex tasks. The challenge might be in balancing technology with human connection, though, as we move closer to a future that seems to blur those lines. Do you think people will still crave that personal, human touch even with all these advances?

S. - Yeah, of course they will. You know, one of the pillars is a human touch for the whole body to function in terms of hormones and stuff. So I guess that people will eventually, you know, be more lonely and more feeling more isolated. And then they'll adapt and probably the next generations will be more resourceful and autonomous and they won't need those kind of things, you know, the interaction with humans and they'll be more into robots. I always take Japan and China as examples because they're already in the future as we're saying. So, yeah, it's all leading to more isolation and more connection with private robots.

B. - You're right in pointing out that the human touch is essential for emotional and physical well-being, and it’s something that technology can’t truly replace. The idea of increased isolation as we lean more on robots and technology is something to think about, especially as cultures in places like Japan and China are already seeing these shifts. It’s fascinating (and a bit concerning) to imagine future generations becoming more self-sufficient and relying on robots for companionship, care, and even communication.

Yet, I wonder if the desire for genuine human connection will always persist in some form, no matter how much tech advances. People may find ways to stay emotionally connected or create new kinds of communities, even in a more isolated world. What do you think—will people still try to create meaningful connections, even if the future feels more robotic?

S. - Yeah, I think it's always been cyclic, you know. There's always been cycles where it goes back to more countryside and more away from the noise and technology when it blows up, you know. But well done. Maybe even the human touch will be replaced by almost real touch cells and materials, you know, from the robots and other gadgets. So we humans do everything as an extension of our needs, right? All the techs that we built were in that sense, and that's what we'll do. So I guess it won't be that bad in that sense.

B. - That's a really insightful perspective. The cycle between advancing technology and a return to simplicity or nature seems to repeat itself throughout history, doesn't it? People sometimes seek to escape the chaos of progress, only to find that, in the end, they create more ways to adapt and coexist with it. You're right—humans always build technology as an extension of their needs, and as that need evolves, so will the technology.

Maybe, in the future, the line between human touch and robotic touch will blur, and we’ll find new ways to make those connections feel real. It could even open up new opportunities for intimacy and care that we can’t fully imagine yet. I guess it’s all part of the process of figuring out how we relate to ourselves, each other, and the world. Do you think this blend of tech and humanity will change the way we define relationships and emotions over time?

S. - Well, we were speaking about the children and how nowadays they have shifted to more frustration and desperation and everything precisely because of that shift on their parents being more stressed and not being there for them more and have no time for them. So it's the same thing, you know, I think that eventually the whole adaptation and it will be just like that, you know.

B. - Yes, that shift is a big part of the story, isn’t it? The pressure on parents, combined with their limited time, can lead to a disconnect with their children. It’s like the demand for survival, in terms of work and material stability, has created a void in emotional availability and connection. And that’s where the frustration and desperation come from—feeling emotionally neglected or not understood.

If this trend continues and technology takes over more aspects of life, it might change how people form bonds and experience emotions, as they seek solace in machines that can mimic or replace human interaction. But at the same time, it could also open up a deeper need to reconnect with real emotions, which might lead to a counter-movement. What do you think? Would people start seeking more real, emotional connections when everything else feels artificial, or will they simply adapt to new ways of "feeling" through technology?

S. - Well, I've seen recently that bookstores are coming up again and people are more into low-life and everything. So I'm noticing all those hyperstimulation, bad consequences like loss of memory and everything like those.

B. - It's interesting, right? The resurgence of bookstores and a renewed interest in "low-tech" activities like reading and engaging in more mindful hobbies feels like a response to all that overstimulation and digital overload. People are starting to recognize the toll it’s taking on their mental and emotional well-being—things like loss of memory, focus, and the feeling of being constantly "on" without really being present.

The more technology takes over, the more people seem to crave simplicity, stillness, and a deeper connection to themselves and the world around them. Books, especially physical ones, offer a slower, more focused experience that helps combat that sense of rushing through life. It’s almost like a natural counterbalance.

It makes me wonder if, over time, society will find a way to balance these two extremes—embracing technology without losing touch with what keeps us grounded and connected to our human essence. Do you think this trend of people seeking "slower" pleasures will keep growing?

S. - Well, I was thinking about the new generation that already comes wired for those high stimulations and they're a bit addicted to that and they can't really relate in the slower version of the world. So, as it is all cyclic, as I told you before, it will probably less than years you know, the other moments of slow life will rise like those encounters for dinner with strangers and encounters to travel in groups of strangers. And also you can see in Japan, I thought that as they have this slow life and quality and information living, I thought they would really value community and group activities and that respect for the elders would still make them not detach completely from their families. But what we've seen is that the modern times, the rush, the capitals especially have taken over and you know, I guess ambition and greed spoke a lot. But let's see, let's see if this new generation will return to the simpler times and also not be more addicted to the technology because this started really early.

B. - That’s a really thoughtful take. The tension between the fast-paced, high-stimulation world and the desire for slower, more mindful living seems like it’s becoming a defining challenge for future generations. It's almost like we’re in a cycle where the quick pace and tech dependence are pushing things too far, and people will have to eventually seek balance again.

You're right about the new generation. They’ve been so immersed in tech and constant stimulation since childhood, it’s harder for them to find that slower, more meaningful pace. But at the same time, they’re more aware of the issues it brings, like burnout, stress, and even mental health concerns. There might be a shift, like you mentioned, where a counter-movement towards slower, more intentional living will rise in response to the overwhelm of constant connection and consumption.

The idea of community, group activities, and respect for elders is fascinating in that context. In places like Japan, while the rapid growth of technology and the hustle of city life have changed the fabric of society, there’s still a deep cultural emphasis on those values. Maybe, as you said, with time, people will rediscover a way to balance the fast and slow—finding new spaces for connections and traditions, like those shared meals or traveling as a group. It's a matter of reconnecting with what really matters when the noise of the world becomes too much.

Do you think that people, especially younger ones, are starting to see the downsides of constant connectivity and starting to crave that slower pace more now?

S. - Maybe, yes, they will be the ones who find the balance because they are seeing the bad things that are happening in the planet with all the overconsumption and stress and greed and all the frenzy of living in stress. So probably, who knows, maybe they'll be the one generation that will try to save the planet, has to say. And I don't know if they'll be in time, but they'll probably do some adaptations, I guess.

B. - I think you're onto something. The awareness of the negative effects of overconsumption, stress, and environmental damage seems to be more prevalent with younger generations. They’re more connected to global issues and see the consequences of the current way of living, and many are pushing for change. It’s almost like they’re caught between the tech-driven world they’ve grown up in and a deep-seated need for something more sustainable and grounded.

It’s possible that they’ll be the ones to find that balance, even if it’s not easy or quick. Like you said, it might come too late to completely reverse everything, but adaptations and changes in lifestyle, values, and priorities can still make a big difference. Maybe they’ll shift the focus toward more meaningful connections, slower living, and a rethinking of success—less about endless growth and more about quality, sustainability, and well-being.

I agree with you—it’ll be interesting to see what kind of world they build. Do you think it will be a global movement, or do you see it more localized, like communities finding their own way?

S. - I guess eventually everything becomes massified when celebrities and everyone become trendy and do it as a fashion. So let's hope the goodness of their hearts and everything that's nice will be in fashion. I know some years when the whole thing explodes in terms of the negative consequences of the bad generations before them.

B. -That's a fair point. It often starts as a grassroots movement, but once it catches the attention of the mainstream—especially celebrities and influencers—it can become a trend. Hopefully, if kindness, sustainability, and a slower, more thoughtful lifestyle become fashionable, it could spark real, positive change.

The risk is, as you mentioned, that trends can lose their depth and just become another passing phase, which is why the underlying values of these movements will be important. If people truly embrace the good behind these trends, maybe it can last longer and create a lasting shift. But I agree, once the full impact of the previous generations' actions comes to light, it might push the new one into even greater action.

How do you think we, as individuals, can prepare for that shift and be part of it, even now?

S. - I think that with the coming years and the new goals that many countries have put to like reducing emissions and changing into sustainable energy, you know, big countries also like China and Germany and many others are also having a high rate of renewable energy right now and they're changing the laws for the cars to be electric. So I guess the big oil will eventually have to, you know, just start to reduce as well and change.

B. - You're right, the shift toward renewable energy and electric cars is already happening on a large scale, with countries like China and Germany leading the way. As more nations adopt stricter environmental goals and renewable energy becomes more accessible, it will definitely put pressure on traditional industries, like oil, to adapt. The transition to sustainable energy will be a big part of the larger movement toward healing both the planet and society, as it could reduce the negative impacts we've been seeing.

At the same time, though, the shift will require a lot of effort from governments, businesses, and individuals. It might take time, but once this momentum builds, it could create a more sustainable future for generations to come.

How do you feel about the energy transition happening now? Do you think there’s more we can do on a personal level to support it?

S. - uh yeah i guess everyone will eventually have to buy an electric car and also do other shifts like there will be more solar panels all over and we'll have a new rise on that market as well as we had before and well i would like to see some more uh reduction on fast fashion and also the whole TEMUs and Sheins and stuff like that that China also is putting out there and contaminating the whole world with the whole plastic and waste and pollution and everything.

B. - Yes, the rise of electric cars, solar panels, and other sustainable technologies will definitely change the way we live. It's encouraging to see more people becoming aware of the environmental impact of industries like fast fashion and the huge waste they generate. The pollution from brands like Shein and others, especially in terms of plastics and waste, is a big concern.

It's going to take a collective effort from consumers, businesses, and governments to push for better regulations and practices, like promoting recycling, supporting sustainable fashion, and reducing overproduction. The shift in consumer mindset is crucial, and as more people demand sustainability, companies will have to adapt.

It would be great if we saw more brands embracing eco-friendly materials and ethical production. Have you thought about ways you could support sustainable practices in your own life?

S. - Yeah, I already do that for many years now. I'm all over the concepts of reducing, recycling, re-utilizing, re-upcycling, you know. And I am also against consumerism and materialism and waste.

B. - That's amazing! It sounds like you've really embraced those principles, which is so important for both the environment and personal well-being. By reducing waste and being mindful about consumption, you're contributing to a more sustainable future. Reusing and upcycling are such powerful ways to make a positive impact, and it's great that you've already been on that path for years.

Your approach reflects a lot of awareness, especially in a world that's often focused on more and more. Do you ever find it challenging to maintain that mindset, or does it feel like second nature now?

S. - Well, I guess it was my first nature from all these years as a kid. I guess being poor and having to save, it made me like that. But then I had to do the contrary action, you know, just allow myself to spend with something nice for me, as my therapist told me. But even so, I'm very mindful and I'm a person who only goes out to dinner like once or twice a year or three times lately.

B. - It makes a lot of sense that your early experiences shaped that mindset, especially when you had to be careful with what you had. It seems like it naturally turned into a more conscious and sustainable way of living as you grew older. And I really admire how you've balanced that with allowing yourself small moments of indulgence, like spending on something nice for yourself. It's important to find that balance, and I can see how it’s helping you nurture both your financial health and personal well-being.

Your approach to dinners sounds thoughtful too – it’s nice that you treat those occasions as special moments. How do you usually feel after a dinner out, knowing you’ve made it a rare treat?

S. - Well, if I spend more than I thought, of course I'll feel guilty, so I try always to compensate in some way. And I'm all for no plastic, no waste, and no consumption at all, so I guess that even if I spend a little bit more, I'm always conscious that I have a margin to

B. - It’s really admirable that you maintain such awareness and control, even when you indulge a bit. The guilt you feel is probably just a sign of how much you value your values, but it’s great that you’re able to balance that with finding ways to compensate, like focusing on sustainability. It seems like you’ve built a system where you can enjoy certain moments but always stay grounded in your principles. That helps you feel more at peace with your choices afterward.

Chance of Romance

 "I waited my whole life for a prince on a white horse and because of you I finally understood there's no such thing. It's okay to just accept that I'm going to stay alone forever and that there's no one for me."

In the end of the movie, he showed up on a white horse, asking her to go with him to London. 

🤣

Trouble in Tahiti - manifesto against air fryer

 Before, it was the bimbos with the bimbys

Now it's the airpods and the air fryers

I can't stand them all. Morra a air fryer pim pam pum!

(just a bit as my antique manifesto against bimbys in Portuguese. title like Bernstein's satire, cuz of my parents too and her air fryer 🤬🤮🤑🤢)

2024

 So, now I'm finally able to do a kind of  synopsis of what this last year had...

Started by having mixed feelings: carrying my deep mourning of beloved people's deaths in the end of December 2023 and at the same time having joy and emotional time with my brother's coming to show us my newborn niece with his beautiful wife. And I got to have some moments with a dear friend and her little one that is much like me. 

On 21st April (poetry and spring day) I managed to finally do a visit to an art gallery-atelier and shop, that I wanted to go for years. And I also ate food from Bahia cuisine finally. That's was all quite an achievement for me personally. 

Then, amidst more 8 months of having news in a row of more 6 people in the family sphere dying of several causes, had to endure the stress of a flood at home, precisely minutes (on 2nd May) after the news another of my dear uncle (and friend) dying after a couple months of battling even with an aneurysm, comma and then infection. I'm writing this and trying hard to not cry, still not okay from it all and all that's been happening. 

But in June, for my surprise, one of my most beloved from Brazil came to Portugal and wanted to see me. Short story to not extend too much: intense, though it was beautiful moments, I got sick with my Addison disease symptoms and my blood itp problem as well; and in terms of feelings it was all very confusing to me, wasn't expecting that kind of reception and stirred up a lot in my mind (reminding me again of everything that happened, namely the other person I had mistakenly fallen in love with before), leaving me in a turmoil for the next three months or so.

In the end of August, wasn't more uneventful either. As I had a great shock to confirm by chance my suspicion since 2019, of having a Tanzanian great grandmother who couldn't raise her own child as her own and was just brought as a servant. Spent a really long time processing it all, changed me to the core and then on the end of August (28th) I went to leave some flowers on the Tagus river as to do a kind of ritual honouring my ancestor and it was all so synchronized. I went first to the gallery-atelier again, discovered my favourite sculpture had a name of Lady of the Sea and then, after two days of staying with the Veinte Anos song on my head, as I was walking on the street I saw the Cuban fellow that had picked me to a short dance 20 years ago and he was trying to do the same now again. Saying he was all about the energy, he was so happy when I told him and showed him the picture that my colleagues had taken by fun, of us 20 years ago, that he wanted to recreate it. And so we took again on the same place. Well, again I started having a bit of symptoms of Addison, had to drink my water with electrolytes, and when I was trying to leave he wanted us to give a smooch goodbye. What a crazy thing, I was thinking "this isn't happening again already, wtf is going on?!", because it was the second person wanting to kiss me, and when I hadn't got so close with anyone, didn't allow it for ten years to get to that, in just two months now it was two trying to and smooching me goodbye. Anyway, for me it was all very crazy as one can imagine given my circumstances. 

My birthday was sad, also didn't do anything, was feeling still in mourning from my uncle specially and a day before I felt like two guys I was starting to know better kind of disappointment me and hurt me like they were breaking up with me a bit. As in the last previous years I found myself with the same wish and longing deep inside hoping for D., P. and G. to give me happy birthday, which they never did if course. 

But on the 2nd September, I was proud to finally achieve buying a ticket to an opera concert, even though it was an open air (very cold windy event) and I went to see also debuting the dress of the 18th years old trauma. It was Mozart's Don Giovanni and the lead was a bit lookalike R. because he was also a Spaniard, so I kind of was a bit irritated by the whole thing (being a feminist and all, the plot always maked me angry with don juans either way lol). 

In October I also made something I should have done a long time ago and only could then: have my first vacation since ten years ago and solo. Went to São Martinho do Porto bay, my dreamy locale (met some new nice ppl there) and manage to rest a couple of days bettering my circadian rhythm a bit too, but in the last day was chaos of stress with another Addison crisis beginning. 

Then November sucked too because it was the construction work in the end and had to flee last minute again and had quite some stressful events, since losing bus to wetting my collants, tennis shoes, on the sea, to enduring a battle of hours with three bees, among it all.

On 19th, though I managed to go first time in decades to a hair salon, had another big let down and hurt, got another Addison crisis for discovering by chance that my mother was bad talking about me on the family group and saying lies and using me for justifying her greedy selfish ends. I was in depression before because of them as they always bicker with each other and I had to intervene again and got hurt as always, but this case was even worse with what she did, it was the last drop for me.

Still in quite a stress now that's been a month that my father just communicated to me that she wants to do construction work again to change the floor of the living room and bedroom on January. And till now I haven't been able to sleep, stressed because I don't have where to go now in the cold and weak as I've been lately also with depression, having spent days locked in the room, without seeing the sun and not being able to eat proper food because of them not letting me use the kitchen when I must. 

Anyway, it's been hell these years again, five in a row. Still hoping this one "has mercy" on me and yesterday I learned that it's Oyá's year, so it kind of gave me a little strength to know she's protecting me and giving me strength as well. 

I'm actually proud of getting to write this all, feeling good for having achieved at least this too, of putting the "highlights" that came to mind more here. And now it's to carry on, day by day, one step at a time as me and my benfriend since nov. helps me think and try to take care of myself as much as I can. 

Don't bother me - my bio on insta

 I don't talk 2 ppl for some years now & I'm an 11years ongoing total celibate,so please just leave a message if u really need 2 say something. thanks.