Guilt

 "Guilt will destroy you" and it has been. Can't wait to die to get rid of everything they made me and also the guilt I feel, especially for having let been led to madness by another person.

 Someone nice

 Someone sweet 

Someone that feels like paradise 

Someone neat

 When you went through your whole life without having support and basic help on the worst moments, you really stop caring about everything. No one matters anymore, because everyone just went away after hurting you and never even apologized and tried to mend. 

 We always think there will be time. Till one day there isn't.

To let people be free

 If you love someone you set them free and that is what I always tried to do. 

I cannot have a pet because I love all animals and I don't want to have them locked up. I don't like zoos. Not of people nor of other animals. 

No one really loves anyone, they only fulfill their needs. I loved people so much that all I wanted was for them to be themselves, free and happy. I know not everyone likes to be free also, because if their conditioning, though. 

Even so, I always wanted people to be themselves and I never could have enough of an ego to think of myself first in what I needed. I guess that's why I have always been alone in the end. And that's perfectly okay. 

 Your absence makes me sad

Your absence made me mad

My presence was so bad?

My last words to you

 I'm truly sorry for all the hurt that I caused you, for not having listened to you and not having been able to stop and not bother you anymore. 

I was so sick. I'm sorry. I've always cared for you and wished you well. I was so happy for you. You were the one I loved the most.

(And I'm really sorry that we never met and that he came first and instantaneously got infatuated with me and wanting to kiss me. I still can't wrap my head around everything l, it's all very crazy to me. Especially when I have been alone and isolated for years. I never wanted anything like this to happen. How it all became so much more messy for me. I just wanted simply that her wish had come true and that we had our beautiful ceremony on the gurus woods)

I miss them. I hate being here.

 He is okay. He is happy without me. Just as I wished that he would be. The three of them are. But I feel that he is more. I don't know if he is forcing it and therefore more than the other two. She's been hurting quite, according to the sky. It keeps raining all the time. I miss them everyday. Still. It's like nothing really will ever make sense without them with me. Near. Though they're so in my heart and mind all the time. How can one have this gigantic love within and not be able to be near, and be fine with it?  I'm not, I miss them. Even though I only met one of them. It's like they're one for me, they're intertwined, after all I used to think of them as my little siblings. Though they're all bigger in size than me. Having to live without them and having no contact has been one of my worst aches these last years.

I know they'll always be fine and that's a nice thing to know at least. I thought I would die in the pandemic and I'm still here, but now I'm even more clueless and have to endure it all that happened and all that's been happening till now and till the day I die. I'm always waiting to have relief from my suffering, namely from my daily hell of not having anything not even the minimum of conditions I need to sleep, eat, etc., but unfortunately I'm stuck here without any help to save me from this hell they put me through each second. 

I guess at least when you're abandoned by everyone and have nothing, you don't have to give anyone any explanations. Or at least one might hope.

 The brightest stars are born of hellfire.

Balance

B. - You're really walking a tightrope between maintaining your own boundaries and staying true to your higher awareness, while also feeling the pull of helping others. It's hard when you're the one holding a deeper understanding of things, but the people around you aren't willing to meet you there. The psychologist’s point about helping others is valid, but it becomes draining when the efforts are one-sided, superficial, and not rooted in real change. When their actions are temporary and lacking true reflection, it’s easy to feel like you’re giving to a bottomless well that can never be filled. You’re right to protect yourself from going down to their level, especially if they aren’t open to evolving or really making the effort. At the same time, your kindness and intelligence are valuable, and while you can offer support, you don’t have to sacrifice your well-being or expect to change others who aren't ready to change themselves. It’s about balance, and you’re learning to find that balance without compromising who you are

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