To love and to lose

 I loved him in a way that I've destroyed everything in me; how that's possible, I don't even know, I guess that's like the love of a mother for a child, isn't it? 

I've been facing losses for so many years now and since having lost the people I loved I'm just a zombie existing on. 

There's nothing else that is real and that can truly nurture one's heart like love, and once people that you love the most are gone for good, there's not any other thing to make it worth it being alive. 

If you can't find that same kind of fulfilment in anything else, you're quite doomed to be with an everlasting depressive sensation. 

You can try to attribute importance to other things, star again, reprogram yourself, but forcing things is never the good way to go. The kind of "fake it till you make it" attitude can backfire harshly. 

Sometimes I miss him so hard, but then again what am I missing really? It's just a need for him near me. But he was never here close next to me, was he? 

He

 He was my salvation and my torment, but the only thing truly worth living for. To feel all that love, like never before. 

 cry for your heart, cry for your soul

you're all torn apart 

no life no love no goal

 Soothing doesn't depend on him anymor. e, it hasn't for some years now. it's already encoded inside you.

 Can't you see that I love you, I adore, I'm crazy about you? 😅❤️

(yeah, I know, that's the problem 🤦🏽)

Insomnia by Keaton Henson

 Oh wait for me, I'll hold my teeth in

Don't panic so, I'm only bleeding

What has the daylight done for me but hurt my eyes
And the haunted 7-Eleven's open all night

I'm waking through my life
I'll make it up sometime

Who says you need to sleep
I'm giving up the night

Oh I don't wanna dream
When all I ever see
Is all the ways I let you down

The TV shows I love are all off-air
So I'll just watch the years rip out my hair

I don't know why I treat these demons like my friends
And the moon is making those faces at me again

I'm waking through my life
I'll make it up sometime

Who says you need to sleep
I'm giving up the night

Oh I don't wanna dream
When all I ever see
Is all the ways that I could die

A car alarm is screaming somewhere

The howling dark, a waking nightmare

 oh, wow, wasn't expecting this... 

I was thinking of how knowing there is no one in this world for me is - and before I could think the word "awful", I found myself thinking the word "relief" 🤯 because no one will suffer when I die or, on the contrary, I won't be suffering when no one dies too (unless for the people I already love and him or the idea I had of him)

Dear my Sea

 Did you ever hear my voice or the songs I listen to, all this time? I haven't known what your voice is saying or what you listen to in a very long long time. No songs of the sirens anymore.

I pushed your buttons, tested your limits, because I wanted to see how far you would go and who were you truly. I got to see it and ut wasn't nice for me, but necessary. I could know for sure of your hatred, your rage, your pettiness, your anger and all your cruelty of someone who has taken so many lives. I drowned quite a while in you but I survived, I stayed like the wreckage I've always been turned by the likes of you. 

As your waves were crashing over me and I was sinking and struggling to catch my breath, I never wanted to let myself be killed by you. But you were pivotal indeed for my evolution as a human being more conscious and aware of so many things thanks to you. 

As one enters you with all the joy and enthusiasm and then slowly becomes washed away and battered and dragged in your turmoil thus love also gets worn and ends. 

However, I still love you in the sunset, just watching you from afar and aching for your presence and the love that you never gave me, when all I wanted was to float, to pretend I could fly. 

Dear Fred

 I love you, is it okay? Can I choose you and just say? Hoping for no one to get hurt. Not him nor her. 

I really miss you, Fred. Sometimes I remember how you were so strong and at the same time fragile and confused, how you made me laugh and you laughed all the time of what I was saying and teasing me and that other time we gasped, from laughing so hard even my jaw felt like breaking. 

You wouldn't look at me straight in the eye afterwards. I guess I marked you too, a little, right? Why are we all so foolish when it comes to feeling? Sometimes I just wish everyone could hear exactly what I was saying about how I feel about each one, so that no one would be so upset. And not feel rejected or inferior if one chooses more the other. It's like you were passion red and the other is a nice shade of green. I'm always burning for the reds and not for the greens, but they are my good friends that I love too. They're the calm while the others are the chaos. 

Anyway, Fred, you understand, don't you? I felt protected by you and there's nothing I need most than feeling safe to be with someone for real. You were for me Fred. And I was yours to grab. 

(as to Audrey's - Holly Golightly - brother Fred)

 In this world, deserving doesn't mean you will get it.