wrote this decades ago, when I still thought it was possible for someone to love me.
I'm constantly learning stuff, thankfully, life really showed me well 🤣🤷🏽 no one truly really loved me in this life as I am and that's alright, because I know it's something impossible. no one really knows me and never did and probably won't ever, as well. and that's how it is, "it is what it is". but I still root for people to find their conforming possible pairs, 'cause I'm still a sucker for romantic ballads, tales of myths of eternal love, star-crossed lovers stories, romcoms and I tear up frequently in the proposals part. it's one of the few built pretty things in this rotting fake human world and yes, I used to be an idealist not so long ago. anyway, I guessed I always wanted to believe really hard, because otherwise things would be even more unbearable. and experience with age has truly made me realise and know the reality of things. and they are truly unbearable but I don't run from that reality anymore, in any way. maybe for the first time in my life I can say that I am aware of it all and not running anymore into dreams of betterment of humans. maybe it's just a consequence of this eras of accumulation of high definition imagery and such of selfish behaviour and babies being blown up. or maybe it's because again I'm trying to survive from past Sunday's Addison crisis and itp, bleeding ulcer, etc., and once more realised how I've been completely delusional about people that I used to think they cared about me.
love was my big 'mission' of hope for the world and turns out it was just that losing game all along. remembering now of a post where I listened to that jazz standard l-o-v-e and was saying that I still believed in universal love, well I guess I always had to believe because there wasn't. and as always one only needs to believe in someone or something to exist if there isn't. I used to believe. I'm glad I tried. now I'm done.🙌🏽
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