Fear, Failure, Anxiety

 We're anxious and afraid only because we have our failed experiences in our memories, but if we remember all the good we did and bad that we overcame, imagine it all going well, we can compound the positive memories and counteract the fear and all. 

Guilt, hate, love

 we'll never forgive 4 all the pain and worse I did for no love to remain. it was better this way 4u 2be happy

we hate it each other and yet you're the one I love above everything.

"you're all I want"

 You should know I let him kiss me 

One kiss was all it took to haunt me

To increase my guilt towards you

For the first time I've let someone 

After ten years shunning everyone 

Kiss me

And yet it didn't cure me of you

help

 +3years in love with a person I never met personally and who doesn't love me, that's how crazy my brain became. :((

I'm so sorry

 I'm so sorry for what I did to you. So sorry. No one can't even imagine how sorry I am, everyday, every single second of my existence. 

Look yourself on the mirror

 You should always look on the mirror and see, that the world you live in and everyone you point out to be the culprits of wars and destruction, are nothing but just like yourself: you that can't forgive, that wish for others to have bad things happening to them because you think it's justice, you that complain about the weather and climate changes but wouldn't ever stop driving your car. You are not as big and powerful as you think you are and you're never better than anyone. You are a product of violence, bred and fed with all kinds of bad things, unless you turn yourself into an entirely different person, all made of love and light in all your pores.

 When I really admitted my shadows, I could finally become light. I hope one of you can too. And that would make a better world already, for sure. 

A great life

 You won't be able to say I had a great life. I was battered and bruised since a very young age and throughout my life, more or less physically and psychologically.. I didn't get to do so much of what I wanted, so many dreams I had and couldn't realize. I got sick really badly at a very early time in life and then couldn't have any more conditions to do anything that I really wished for. 

So you won't be able to say I had a great life. It was kind of intense in terms of shitty things all the times and lacking on really good complete moments, but I made myself as if I felt content many times. I guess everyone forces themselves on something, so in my case it's making believe that I had few really good moments in this world. 

I envied David Gandy, Phillipe LeBlonde and Fiumani for their lives many times, but only them I guess, probably because they were  men (quite handsome) who could do what they wanted in this life. For many times that I used to see some moment of their lifes, I thought "what a great life!", that it was a great way of living. 

 deep inside just a silly jolly child

Hardest path myth

 Easy is right. Don't ever take the hardest path again. Follow your first intuition and go with the flow, more and more don't worry. 

Void/Whole

 And though I feel that lately I have emptied myself, I feel more whole than ever. 

Why would you stop a beam of light?

 Lene Vestergaard Hau was the first to stop completely a ray of light, in 2001. She condensed it and transformed it into matter and then into light again on another spot next. 

Why would you transform it into matter? Why did I do everything I did? 

WTF UNIVERSE??

 So it's estimated that our universe is 13.7 billion years old and comprises about 2 trillion galaxies. SO WHY THE FUCK DID I HAD TO EXIST LIKE THIS AND HAVE EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?????

 I really don't know why I'm still alive.

(though I wanted to be with him. I thought that now that I had the confirmation of my true great grandmother being who she was, I would probably die but then again it's been few days only. me and my intrusive thoughts.)