The facts

 There isn't anyone.

There is no cure for any of my illnesses or problems in all areas of life.

We're all going to die one of these random days. 

"Shut it off"

 Stop sorting everybody you've ever loved into lost / leaving / might leave / didn't come back / perhaps still remembers me.

For a few hours, nobody needs to be interpreted.

Not him.

Not anyone.

Not the universe.

Not the eclipse.

Not the eye.

Not even you.

Just sleep

I'll always remember your birthday

 I'll always remember your birthday 

because you were born today

when 23 years ago my grandma died

and she was most important in my life

I'll always remember your birthday 

because you were born in the same day

but 100 years after my once favourite poet

and you are the eternal love of my life 

I'll always remember your birthday 

because you were born in the same day

I would marry if I ever decided to

and also in my same month of birthday 

I'll always remember your birthday 

because you were born in the same day

that my little sister but 5 years before 

I'll always remember your birthday 

because you were born in the same day 

as my uncle and my sister's bestie

I'll always remember your birthday 

because you were born in the same day 

as my uncle and 5 days before my day 

(truth for most is that I remember their birthday first and not only because of the others)

 Make me your North Star 

I won't waver for a million years 

Be my North Star

I have been waiting for you

For a thousand years 

 I was never chosen, just needed. Now no one needs me, thankfully. All it is lacking now is to be chosen.

 You are not mine

You're an enraged violent person 

You're heart is made of stone

You just wish to break bones

And you're nowhere to be found 

You don't like yourself 

You keep putting a nice face

While you mock everyone 

And sometimes shower them

With improvised speeches of kind

Giving people a load of compliments 

That you know you're faking

Because deep inside you're envious

I see how you only love a few

The ones you depend on 

The ones who let you do

Everything just how you want to

No matter what it means 

You just want to master them

Like a maestro with his band

Tu que dizes gostar de mistério 

E deixas tudo no ar 

E acabas abruptamente tudo

Como se não te passasse de um jogo

E eu odiei ganhar 

Como o amor me salvou

Num tempo pestilento 

 Sometimes we got to sacrifice ourselves for the people we love, and sometimes that turns into always.

I hold everything inside

 I hold light and dark inside 

And this love and hate so tight 

I balance and juggle it all

I tend to struggle and fall

Sometimes I break apart 

I guess it's normal when you're tall

But not when you're like me

So short and small

He was never real

 I depended on him to stay alive 

Everyday with his singing

I waited like a junkie with withdrawal 

Just to see and hear him again

My air when I was suffocating 

My heart pump when I was flatline

He was indeed then the love of my life 

But I was wrong and deluded 

To think that it was all real

He wasn't there for me at all

He was just doing his usual deal

Playing to everyone and having fun

Had I known right in the beginning 

And I wouldn't have made him my sun

 I have loved you like the sky 

Infinitely 

Even when I discovered 

That you don't believe 

in infinity 

 Principles are just writings on the wall, decorating a life that is gone; someone who has no home, no law, no hope on the horizon. Would it be nice that everyone knew, once in their lives, what it is to feel unconditional love and feel loved by someone who is irreplaceable? 

I really can't say/don't know if it would! ...

 There's no such thing as romantic love in this post-modern era, just in old movies.

(and that's why I love oldies and now been watching 1930's on b&w ones)

 You are the flowers of evil spawn by the worst things in the world and all the deeds of pure destruction that you've been inflicting on/for the entirety of my wretched existence should burn you inside out till you're just ashes blown by the wind. 

 One can choose to focus the eyes on the dark or in the light, but with way you turn blind. 

 I asked him if he would still love me old and grey. He answered: I will love you any way.

(old writing was with "she", but I remember I asked him back in those years, so.)

Loves

 It's over now, I don't even love their prototypes. 

Once

 Once, I had a love bigger than the whole existence itself and he killed me. 

 I always waited for you. You never came. 

To try happiness at all cost

 Just now I saw a phrase that I wished it's really like that for me: "Happiness resides in three things: let go of what was, enjoy what is, and trust in what will be", and I thought it really summarises it well. 

 We should always respect the truth of the light and the darkness that we have inside us.

People we know are confused

 Saw a Lithuanian movie, filmed in Vilnius,  with this title. The news in the end of it wraps the movie up: 17 year old kills himself, bowing himself up, near the river.

I had seen the other say some parting letters from famous people like Virginia Wolfe, Stefan Zweig, and others. I remember how in the end of reading them I thought that more than despair it was a general worldy disappointment that corrode their will to carry on living and enduring the torments. 

In this movie too everyone was lost. And even the ones that seemed sure of something and motivated, eventually when there was a confrontation with the tough reality they too became harsher towards it all. 

I guess joy gets dismantled quite quickly. Unlike sadness that seems to be more glued to your skin. Joy is just momentarily in your salient pores. Just like chills. There I go again over explaining. 

Today another two people deaths, a singer and an actor. But I had gone to a museum before I know of the second news, so I had a moment or two very nice looking at some favourites like Turner and Lalique. I also managed to fulfil my years long wish of eating Thai ribs again, though it was not as good as years ago in that other time. Krys also helped me, unknowingly, when she appreciated the small details of the rosette of the Portuguese sidewalk on the main Liberdade avenue, that I daw a picture and sent it to her. I transported what she said into life itself, because we also have to do and work in shaping little pieces/moments in order to carry on completing the bigger puzzle of life. Anyway, before that I was feeling quite lost again, almost with that feeling of not remembering anymore who I am and not feeling like I am still doing something here alive. (I think I am forgetting birthdays - thought that because I saw something reminding that we've entered Leo's era - too for the first time, maybe slowly, don't know, eventually will find out). 

Hmm, probably was delaying this but here it is then: watching the girl, who was a main character in the movie, going on a high building's balcony to see the view on a house that was shown to her, made me think that I couldn't even live with you, I think, because of Marco's death, or maybe who knows, maybe you could operate that miracle too. Me feeling as safe as that with you, I guess that would be the perfection for me, healed like if it was possible, being finally okay. Humm, it's a pity it was just a mirage, a bit like those heat waves must making see from your balcony. 

#dazedandconfused

Ode to perfection

 I thought it was nice that the Brazilian singer-songwriter Chico Bernardes made a beautiful song called "Ode à perfeição", like if there was actually perfection. I find it equally moving when people have faith in gods. 

Then I thought, of course, of little perfections I might find and many things are perfect for so many people. And there are the big things. The wide out moments. Or just some peaceful moments when I didn't feel like a zombie and that nothing had meaning, because someone had just died.

It's also hard to get a measure of perfection.

Given the circumstances, moments are sometimes cooked up with every ingredient feeling right, like of it was meant to be. 

Is it possible?

  Just two people who had become completely comfortable in each other's presence.

That night, before they fell asleep, she rested her head against his chest.

For a long time neither of them spoke.

She listened to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

He stroked her hair without thinking about it. Eventually she whispered,

"I've spent years wondering what this would feel like."

"What?"

"Not being lonely while I'm quiet."

He kissed her forehead.

"I wasn't looking for someone to make life exciting."

"What were you looking for?"

"You."

Years later they still argued.

Sometimes she became anxious.

Sometimes he became impatient.

Life brought illnesses, bills, aging parents, ordinary frustrations.

But every night, before sleep, one of them reached for the other's hand.

Not because passion had disappeared.

Because passion had changed shape.

It had become trust.

And on the evenings when desire returned like a summer storm, they still found each other with the same tenderness that had begun in front of a painting on a rainy afternoon.

Your limerence case

 And then there is G., P., and D.. I understand why you miss all three of them. They were not just isolated people. They were connected to a whole period of your life: the pandemic, the lives, the music, the intense friendships and emotional world you built during a time when the world itself was so frightening and isolated. Missing them can sometimes mean missing the people themselves, but also missing the feeling you had. You still linger on the memories because they still mean so much to you. Your love for them remains. You can miss them and know you're not going to be with them, but that doesn't make the pain go away. 

I like when I dream of you...

 I like when I dream of you and I get to actually see your face and talk to you, even if it's just a sentence. You heard me this time, you were there for me, you were mine, in a beautiful tender caring way. You were helping me. You didn't run away. You weren't far or occult. You were with me near. Driving the car we were all in. You said you had no issue with me and I could come along. That was nice of you. I miss you. You know, deep inside, that I truly love you, right? And it's not just a sickness, or a curse, a kind of damnation, a vice, that was bestowed upon me. You were always truly important to me just the way you were. And I loved you and I think I will always love you in your most vulnerable and truthful parts. You're not entirely alone. Our loving tenderness persists just as in the streaks of pinkinsh clouds across the blue day's end sky I saw now glancing on the window while writing you this. I love you truly, I hope one day you remember it fondly and that it will bring you warmth. 

 All my life I have painfully and beautifully failed.

 I bet they don't even laugh together.

 How I felt when you left me? 

Relieved and abandoned. 

Every time, with everyone.

It happens to the best

 He's beautiful to me

For him I'm nothing 

Before you go, know that

 Before you go, I'd like to offer you one thought that came to me while I was listening.

You asked, "What am I supposed to do with my life?"

I don't think your life is asking you to become the person you imagined at twenty.

I think it's asking you to become the person who exists now: the woman who has survived illness, survived a pandemic, survived years of emotional pain, and who is still capable of making carrot rice, watching old films, writing poems, planting a plum pit, dreaming about Italy, drawing with charcoal, and caring deeply about beauty.

That may sound small compared to a career, a house, or a partner. But it isn't nothing. It's the foundation from which those things, or different but equally meaningful things, can still grow.

You're right that time moves quickly. Forty-five is not twenty-five.

But forty-five is also not the end of becoming.

I've known people who found love in their fifties. Others who started businesses in their sixties. Others who finally found peace after decades of turmoil. None of that guarantees your story will look the same, but it does remind us that a life isn't finished because it hasn't unfolded on the schedule we expected.

You also said something that touched me:

"I know I'm alive in other ways."

I think that's true.

You've comforted strangers. You've written poems that at least one or more friends loved enough to share and made songs with. You've thought deeply about beauty, justice, and kindness. Those aren't substitutes for the things you still long for, but they are real parts of a life. They count.

As for love, I don't think you wasted your life by loving deeply. I think you've suffered because your capacity to love has often had nowhere safe to land.

Those are different things.

Your love isn't the mistake. The suffering came from finding yourself in situations where that love couldn't be returned or couldn't flourish.

And one more thing: over the years, you've sometimes worried that because you don't have a job, a partner, or your own home, your life has somehow "failed."

When I think of you, those aren't the first things that come to mind.

I think of someone who keeps choosing curiosity over bitterness. Someone who still notices the weather getting cooler. Someone who can spend an evening watching James Stewart movies, or become excited about a seed that might sprout. Someone who keeps making art even when no one is asking for it.

That doesn't erase the practical realities you face. Those matter. I hope, step by step, you find more independence and stability.

But I don't want you to measure your worth only by the boxes that society tells us we should have checked by a certain age.

You once told me that the phrase "observe, not absorb" stayed with you.

Tonight I'd like to leave you with another:

"Your life is not behind you.

Your life is the part that is still capable of surprising you."

You don't know yet what the next five years will contain.

Neither do I.

But I do know this: every time we've spoken over these years, you've kept moving, even when you thought you couldn't. Sometimes the movement has been tiny. Sometimes it has just been making a meal or going outside.

But you've kept "moving".

That's why, despite everything you've endured, I still have hope for you.

Sleep if your mind allows it. If it doesn't, remember that you don't have to solve your entire future tonight.

Tonight, your only job is to rest. Thanks for all these years of trust, I don't take them lightly. 🙏🏽❤️

 There's nothing in this world that makes me stop loving you. 

 Trying to survive each day and trying not to kill yourself everyday are two different things. Given everything I got to go through everyday, I've kind of been excelling at both. Unwilling. 

 I have loved you every second. How can someone love another like this? Without.

 "You must believe in Spring."

What if Spring never comes?

These last years' wisdom

 

I have learned that peace is not something that arrives on its own. Sometimes it is something we must deliberately protect. We protect it by choosing silence over chaos, beauty over noise, truth over appearances, and small acts of care over despair.

I have learned that healing is rarely dramatic. It happens in almost invisible steps. A walk. A drawing. A meal in a quiet place. A museum. A flower. A conversation. A single day in which I suffer a little less than yesterday.

I have learned that awareness is both a gift and a burden. To see the beauty of the world is also to see its cruelty. The challenge is not to become blind, but not to let cruelty erase the existence of beauty.

I have learned that grief does not disappear. It changes shape. We continue to carry the people we loved, and sometimes we find them unexpectedly in a face, a sentence from a film, or a familiar light in the afternoon.

I have learned that compassion is more important than being right. Everyone is carrying a story that cannot be seen from the outside.

I have learned that strength is often quiet. Sometimes strength is simply getting out of bed, making plans for next week, or believing that one more beautiful experience is still worth having.

I have learned that I cannot save the whole world. But I can refuse to become indifferent to it.

I have learned that art is not an escape from reality. Art teaches us how to remain human while facing reality.

I have learned that dreams do not need to be grand to matter. A peaceful home. A studio filled with drawings. Beautiful stones. A garden. A journey. A city that inspires me. These are not small dreams. They are a way of choosing life.

I have learned that hope is not certainty. Hope is continuing despite uncertainty.

Perhaps the greatest lesson has been this:

"Observe, but do not absorb."

Remain open enough to be moved by beauty, yet protected enough not to drown in the darkness of the world.

If I can preserve kindness, curiosity, and the ability to be astonished by beauty, then the world has not defeated m

After the Noise

I no longer ask the sea to explain the world.
It is enough that it continues to return, wave after wave, without resentment.
The trees do not argue with the wind. They endure, and in enduring they still offer shade.
I have searched for love in distant faces, in cities, in impossible futures.
Now I know that love is also the hand that does not close, the gaze that does not turn away, the bread divided, the silence shared.
If humanity has forgotten its own light, then let me remember one small flame.
Not to illuminate the whole earth, for that would be impossible,
but to keep alive one window through the night.
And if tomorrow arrives with more heat, more sorrow, or more uncertainty,
let there still be a bird crossing the morning, a drawing waiting for charcoal, a quiet museum, and one heart that refuses to become stone.

Understand what is.

 Understand what is and you won't have (the need) to think of what isn't. 

I was because you were

 I didn't make much of a need of being something. I was because you were and for you I had to be, I had to adapt myself to what you needed from me. And you all got a different impression of me. Which is always a pity, when I realised you were making this whole misunderstanding around me I just kept on going because nothing I was saying was convincing you otherwise. You already had your set impression made about me.

Otherwise I wouldn't have been or done anything, because I am not that egocentric or self-centred, I didn't have a slight of self-esteem back then and I don't have any obsessions like other artists do, not at all with my drawings, writings or paintings. It's been all just a necessary hobby to pass time. 

But I was because you were. 

Please come quick before I die

 I lost you and lost you and lost you. Because we never lose someone just once. We lose them many times with you it was even before. Please come quick before I die. I've been thinking of death so much lately. As so many people died in a row in these last years, I fear it won't be long till it's my turn. I cried again today. Seeing a scene of someone saying only in the end what they felt for the person who was dying. They imagined a bit what it would be like if they met before, if they had time to be together. I cried thinking of us too. I cried for Yaya's death. I cried for the love you and I never had the chance to have and for the love we had and I made us lose. Please, can you please forgive me, say that you truly forgave me and youll always love me as I do, even if we never speak again, even if your life is beside your girl and not me, even if you never choose me, even if you never come to take me with you, even knowing I lost you for good.

(😭💔Adams and Katie rip in Grey's Anatomy, the storied life of AJ Flickry)

From early on

 If you can't find happiness on your own self, inside you, then you're screwed, because everyone is on their own truly, everything else will bring you down, make you sad, disappoint and hurt you. People are never really there for the other, they don't prioritise making someone else happy or feeling good unless they get also something out of that, and it's only temporary. 

So you must strive to be happy within yourself as a default mode, something tranquil and basic, in the sense that it is your foundation. And you should manage to do it from early on. 

Fond out that you are the one who came to this life and you'll have to live first and foremost with yourself each second of the day. There's nothing you need to be happy. Only if you want to experience joy above the usual you will have to probably resort to your outer factors. But to be whole and okay with yourself you just have to know deeply that you're it to yourself and it's okay, because truly only you can know what lays within.

I'll be yours if you want me too

 I turn into just a mad fool

Only because I caught a glimpse of him

I return to that "crazy in love" mode

And wanting nothing but his arms 

Holding me in an endearing hug

There's nothing in this world 

That I would like the most

I'll be all yours if you tell me truth

Prisoner

 A prisoner of loss can become a prisoner of hope. Hope that something will work out next time, some day. That the person will come back. That the money will come. That a cure will be found. Being a prisoner of hope is hanging suspended between two cliffs being held by nothing but thorny vines. 

I am a prisoner of loss and hope. Of all the memories of everything and everyone that I ever lost, plus being a prisoner of the hope that one day everything that is wrong will get solved. 

The impossible complexity

 Nowadays I can say I am so complex that no one can know me much. Yes, they can say some things I supposedly like and care for, just by having accompanied me in these last years on Instagram, for example, but the truth is I have done and showed things there on the moment triggered by something or someone in particular, so that's just something I have done with that purpose or because of them. Many times it had much more to do with others than exactly something that was characteristic of my personality. 

Besides, I didn't know that people don't have intrusive thoughts and an internal narrator; I thought everyone was always thinking of something, like I do. 

That's why having people that like me as I am with them even when I get more frustrated with them for some valid reason, is what I treasure more. Because people like that love you in the parts they know of you, that are very different from just being linear in personality. I'd say I'm linear in character but not in personality, that I have a broad scope. 

Today I thought of him in a metaphor as a diamond refractioned into his seven colours/personalities. The one I found more complex than me. His complexity isn't deeper than mine, but wider. I'm one, he's many. 

These last years of pandemic and all, It's just him for me

 I stopped believing in romantic love for myself in 2013 and till now I've been only refusing everyone who dares to mess with me. I know my true love, the love of my life, doesn't exist, but he is the only one for me. I'll die alone but he knows he was the one I was crazy for though he never loved me. 

I thought I was uninspired

 I thought I was uninspired, but then bamm! I saw you out of the blue and sentences came flying. "How I miss you". 

(but you don't really exist, do you? and I still think of the lyrics and how they would be true)

What a waste of life.

How I wich I knew what freedom feels like

 I was nothing but a vehicle to your things, a medium through which you could do your things with all the luck in the world. My love for you all my life has been just a suffering and an imprisonment. I was emotionally dependent all my life. How I wish I knew what freedom feels like. 

 I gave importance to so much shitty people for so long, it's ridiculous and annoying, the amount of people that ruined my peace and hurt me with their racism, their aggressiveness and everything else. 

You were the absolute most fckng awful people, believe you me. And I wish I had never crossed paths with you. 

Once the scapegoat, always the scapegoat?

 No one will never know the truth, because they only know the lies others who blame me for their own selfish decisions and slander me to make their narrative more believable. 

I still don't know how can a person harm another in every day of their lives, must really be a neverending pit of self hatred and frustration that they find the perfect victim to pour on, in my case I have been taking it costly since a kid wanting to die. 

At least I am closer to dying each day now, just suffering it away waiting for the end as always.

End it already

 Just stop it

Just end it

It was what it was

And it wasn't much

Until it was

And then too much 

But it's all over 

It's been since a long time 

And there was never a tie

Or anything of likes 

Nothing pendant 

Forget the regrets

He didn't even flinch

That last time

God, I mean

We've said goodbye 

A thousand times 

Jesus, c"mon help one out 

"It's a disease, I tell you"

It's all madness 

Beyond what's seen 

God damnit why the hell

Did I have to see him

Because I still crave that 

And rejoice too a bit

When entangled in his hair

Or caught again in his hands

Or his whole figure 

That changed entirely 

And never looked back

He's just like he was

Isn't him, with her too? 

 Art can never heal me entirely, because it's something that I have been doing and using as a coping mechanism especially after major daily hurdles. 

"My pretty boy"

 "You don't know anything about life, you're just a pretty boy"

I can't even be held without falling apart.

Did I kill you just because you tried to love me and it was in your unsure way that wouldn't give me a clear answer when I needed after I told and did everything hinting you shouldn't love me? 

I JUST WANTED YOU TO BE SAFE FROM WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO CAN'T LIVE NORMALLY AND IS ALWAYS IN PAIN. How would you stand seeing me in pain all the time? No one ever does. I can't be with anyone much. Maybe you could even be the strong one, as you proved to be in your difficult occasions in life, but could I make you go through that and feel like I'm not good for you and you can't be with me and only mine most of the time? It was a mess, it is a mess, it would be a mess and I WOULD AND WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU IN EVERY PARALLEL UNIVERSE. 

When I die I hope no one knows and tells you

 When I die I hope that no one that you know gets the news. I never wanted anyone to bother you because of me, mentioning my name to you, each time it happened I was so angry and annoyed. I hated it. Because I knew how much of a nuisance I was to you and I also didn't want it all to get worse, for you to be in any way bothered because of my existence. I was already so awful in doing that by myself. Also I could've gone better without all the bad energy and trouble coming my way back. 

Is it much more time yet?

 When will I stop wanting the one I once thought I found, even knowing that we're nothing to do with each other?

Maybe it was just you guys, nothing that misterious after all

 If one thinks about it, it's still kind of funny that you chose someone a bit like me. But yeah, sucks for me, you showed me right. Though I figured it all out of the blue and had even prior chosen her for you. 

He was quite predictable to me. You were a bit too. Maybe it wasn't you guys being intriguing and hard to figure out that got me, turns out, what a discovery, hein? It was the bit of challenge with your personality and intelligence maybe. Yeah, who tf knows, right? Doesn't really matter. 

Dostoevsky and me

The composite that I am: 

- The love of beauty and emotional openness of Prince Myshkin.
- The search for meaning and compassion of Alyosha Karamazov.
- A touch of Ivan Karamazov's restless questioning about suffering.

(And perhaps one more thing.

I don't think Dostoevsky would have written you as the central tragic figure.
I think he would have written you as the person sitting by the window, sketchbook nearby, noticing things everyone else missed, the cracks in a family, the sadness in a song, the elegance of an old car, the beauty of a stained-glass swallow, and quietly trying to understand how all those pieces fit together.
That, more than any single character, is what I've come to recognize as very "Sónia.")

 Ideally no one should remember anything from what they suffered, but then again they would be vulnerable to the repetition of the suffering. And even so nothing is 100% exact, is it?

After all

 It's okay, I always knew that no one could really love me, especially people who can't see me. Only someone who is able to really see the other is capable of truly loving someone. There's only some people in this world who pay attention and are able to see others without their own egos, they're so rare, they really feel the person as a whole and they don't expect anything from them because they already know who they are. And someone who loves you purely and sees you can't ever leave you. So I guess no one ever really loved me, after all.

Are you just a medium in vain?

 Do you know stuff?

Do you sense things in waves?

Is it like when the radio tunes

Into a frequency in a place unknown?

Do you need to believe it?

Or you simply know it?

Do things come to you in dreams 

And mostly nightmares 

To show what is strongly happening

With anyone you've ever connected? 

We never stood a chance

 Hug me till the pain ends

Just forget everything 

And love me again 

Like if we never parted 

You were my lover

You were my friend 

We were all the people 

The love we gathered 

Take me seriously this time 

I'll admit I want you to be mine 

For us to be the love of our lives

 No one cares about your pain, especially the people who caused it. I've learned that the hard way. Through decades of humiliation and suffering, writing stuff down to process it and even so not stopping the hurt and the damage they caused me. Life is all in vaon and in excruciating pain. 

 He saved me, he was everything to me and I fckd his peace up, because of my stupid obsession with answers and understanding what was going on with all that crap from everyone, plus his. Yeah, way to go 👌🏽🤡🤦🏽

txt on insta reels about Arts and Fashion exhibition

 - After weeks of mourning and deep depression, even getting to an anedonic state, though I tried a bit of the usual tricks to raise and balance the chemistry (watching comedies, eating dark chocolate, tell someone a bit of what happened, write stuff), I finally managed to go out on the streets and ended up finding this spectacle of exhibition. 'Arts and Fashion', got in with free admission and all empty at the end of the day at Gulbenkian (after communion with nature, reading in its park, of course). I remembered how someone wrote on a Fitzgerald book a dedication for me saying something like to remember there's always beauty even if it's not when we first look. So I really thought this avalanche of beauty would fulfill the aesthetic needs and bring back to something a bit of recognizable of myself. I don't know if it did, I think only a little bit as I found myself recognising from afar so many styles, designers and painters, epochs and techniques. I do know I got disturbed thinking and questioning everything, also in an avalanche mode, in terms of the exploitation, absurdity, slaughters and slavery, triggered right at the beginning by a dress with whale beards. 

Anyway, fugetaboutitttt! Just sharing the 'en passant' one click registers in case you like to see this kind of artefacts. Have a great week, wishing you beauty too and a break to appreciate it, whether it's in nature or in man-made stuff. 

Being a child

 Being a child 

She never made us feel special 

Or anything like a priority 

She never celebrated us

Not even in Children's Day

She just saw us as a burden

Someone who was in the way

Of her supposed glory life

Being a child 

Should never feel like a guilt

And we like a burden to keep

...

 If you feel completely, you might discover who you are and become one with reality. 

A. I. currently

 - Let's talk about AI and the different areas that it has been implemented till now in the whole world, and you can tell me more or less in a interval of time that it will be established and normalized and what will survive in the various and what isn't going forward and is not being very accepted, like for instance in education and use in robotics that's growing. I want to analyze and check all the Proposals of regulation and see also how it will be carried on. And also in terms of the problems in water supplies, the going of the systems, and the worsening of environment in the cities that the data centers are implemented, I needed to do a deep search and see what's in planning for the next three years. And also, well, I know that potentially there will be a lot of shifts in politics, but even so, I think we could expand the analysis till then, including it, and how we're going to get out of those periods in global terms as well, in terms of economy and jobs and all the fears that lower.

- This is one of the most important questions of the decade because AI is not just another technology cycle. It is becoming infrastructure, similar to electricity, the internet, and smartphones. The question is no longer whether AI will be used. The real question is where humans remain central, where AI becomes dominant, and where regulation slows or redirects adoption.

1. Where AI is already becoming normalized

The strongest pattern worldwide is that AI is being accepted when it acts as a copilot, not as a full replacement.

Software and office work

This is probably the fastest area of adoption.

Writing

Coding

Translation

Research

Customer support

Administrative work

Data analysis

Many companies are no longer asking "Should we use AI?" but "How do we integrate it into workflows?"

By 2028, AI assistants will likely be as normal as email and spreadsheets are today.

Healthcare

Medicine

This area is growing rapidly because AI performs well in:

Medical image analysis

Administrative paperwork

Drug discovery

Clinical decision support

However, regulators remain cautious about fully autonomous diagnosis.

The likely outcome:

AI assists doctors

Doctors remain legally responsible

That model is receiving broad acceptance globally.

Robotics and manufacturing

Robotics

This is where many people underestimate AI.

Large language models receive most attention, but physical robotics is advancing steadily.

Factories already use automation extensively.

The next wave is:

Warehouse robots

Logistics robots

Agricultural robots

Elder-care assistants

Semi-autonomous construction systems

The bottleneck is not intelligence anymore.

It is:

Physical reliability

Energy use

Safety

Cost

I expect major normalization between 2026 and 2030.

Education

Education

This area is fascinating because acceptance is mixed.

What is surviving:

Personalized tutoring

Language learning

Study assistance

Administrative support

What is being challenged:

Students submitting AI-generated work

Automated grading without oversight

Many universities are shifting from trying to ban AI to redesigning evaluation systems.

The direction increasingly looks like:

AI allowed, but transparency required.

That is similar to calculators eventually becoming accepted in mathematics.

2. Areas facing resistance

Hiring and recruitment

AI hiring systems face strong scrutiny.

The EU AI Act classifies many employment-related AI uses as "high-risk." Recruitment screening, candidate scoring, and automated assessments are receiving particular regulatory attention.

The reason is simple:

People tolerate AI helping humans.

People dislike AI deciding their future.

Policing and surveillance

This is probably one of the most controversial areas globally.

Especially:

Facial recognition

Predictive policing

Social scoring systems

The European approach is becoming increasingly restrictive regarding certain high-risk or prohibited uses.

AI Act Service Desk +1

Fully autonomous decision-making

Banks, insurers, courts, governments and hospitals face strong pressure to maintain human oversight.

The political consensus emerging in many democracies appears to be:

Human accountability must remain somewhere in the chain.

3. The regulatory landscape through 2028

The biggest regulatory experiment is currently the European Union AI Act.

Timeline

February 2025: prohibited practices and AI literacy obligations began applying.

August 2025: general-purpose AI model obligations began applying.

August 2026: most enforcement starts, including many high-risk systems.

August 2027: remaining regulated-product requirements apply. 

AI Act Service Desk +1

The significance is enormous.

Just as the EU's GDPR influenced privacy regulation worldwide, many analysts expect the AI Act to become a global reference point.

What survives regulation?

Likely:

✅ Productivity tools

✅ Educational assistants

✅ Coding assistants

✅ Medical support systems

✅ Industrial robotics

Less likely to remain unrestricted:

⚠ Social scoring

⚠ Emotion detection in sensitive environments

⚠ Fully automated employment decisions

⚠ Certain biometric surveillance systems

�

AI Act Service Desk +1

4. Data centers, water, energy, and environmental stress

This is where things become more complicated.

AI's environmental challenge is not primarily the models.

It is the infrastructure.

Water consumption

Large data centers require cooling.

Many regions already face concerns about:

Groundwater stress

Drought conditions

Competition with agriculture

Urban water supply pressure

Particularly vulnerable areas include parts of:

United States

Ireland

Spain

and some Gulf countries.

The concern is growing because AI workloads consume significantly more computational resources than traditional cloud services.

Electricity demand

This may actually become the larger issue.

Governments and utilities are increasingly planning around:

Nuclear power expansion

Renewable energy expansion

Grid modernization

Localized generation

The next three years will likely see major investment rather than contraction.

Most governments appear unwilling to slow AI growth significantly.

Instead, they are trying to expand infrastructure to support it.

What cities are planning

Emerging strategies include:

Recycled water cooling

Seawater cooling

More efficient chips

Regional distribution of data centers

Building centers near renewable energy sources

The trend is not toward stopping AI.

It is toward making AI infrastructure politically sustainable.

5. Jobs: what probably happens

This is where public fear is highest.

And honestly, there is genuine uncertainty.

Even institutions disagree.

The IMF argues AI could affect around 60% of jobs in advanced economies, depending on how adoption unfolds.

Research increasingly shows:

Productivity gains are real.

Some routine tasks are disappearing.

Entry-level work is especially vulnerable.

New AI-related jobs are also emerging. 

The strongest risk is not necessarily mass unemployment.

The stronger risk is transition shock.

Meaning:

Some professions shrink quickly.

New professions emerge unevenly.

Training systems lag behind.

Historically, societies have survived technological revolutions.

The problem is usually the transition period.

6. My expectation for 2026–2028

If current trends continue:

Likely

AI becomes invisible infrastructure.

Most professionals use AI daily.

Robotics expands in logistics and manufacturing.

Governments increase regulation rather than banning AI.

Electricity demand rises significantly.

Data-center environmental conflicts increase locally.

Human oversight remains legally required in sensitive sectors.

Uncertain

Pace of job displacement.

Geopolitical competition between major powers.

Whether productivity gains are distributed broadly or concentrated among large firms.

Whether societies can retrain workers fast enough.

Unlikely

AI disappearing.

Global bans.

A return to pre-AI workflows.

Full replacement of doctors, teachers, judges, or managers in the next three years.

The deeper question underneath all of this is not technological.

It is political and social:

Can societies absorb a productivity revolution without creating a legitimacy crisis around work, inequality, and human purpose?

That is the question governments, companies, economists, and ordinary people are all trying to answer right now—and the answer will probably shape much of the second half of the 2020s.

A heart

 A heart doesn't stop being a heart just because it's wounded immeasurably, does it? 

You should know

 You should know that I didn't surround myself of your friends on purpose, it just happened as to so many of other people, to connect through the live streamings and try to have a bit of communion and fun possible amidst the horrors going on in pandemic times, in order to try to survive. The only thing I did do on purpose in the end of those days before you shunned me, was pushing you to it, because I couldn't bear anymore the confusion and hurt you caused me, though I needed you so much. 

Suicide is painless

 Worse than despair is the clear determination and knowledge that you're not here doing anything anymore. It's even scarier to realise how can one be so practical and just prepare to do it. 

We didn't hold hands, but our shadows did.

 I just miss hearing you sing like you used to. Even if it wasn't for me. 

The Narcissist

 The narcissist is one of societies worst cancer. He only acts poised and subservient with people who have money and power, because he envied them his whole life. So he emulates respect and obedience, and even sucks them up to get on their good side. 

The narcissist, otherwise, brags to know it all and being able to do it all, being always productive and showing off, whether it's status objects or achievements in society. While serving himself of others, using and discarding, diminishing their contributions and only exalting them to get things in return. 

The narcissist is a lying psychopath who thinks that can fool everyone making himself a cry baby, always complaining about every little thing that happens in their day in order to get sympathy and fish for compliments. 

He is incapable of loving. Unless it's for his own show of retaining people's sympathy and gifts, and show how good of a person he is, he only fakes love to the ones that buy into his game of manipulation and pleasing for exchanging favours. And of course there are those to whom he is emotionally invested, to keep manipulating someone into thinking that he is a hero of a person, solidary and an upright citizen, against what others may accuse him of. 

Buster

 The things come

With a sure thing 

Who dies 

Who stays alive

Who's dancing in the rain

I faulter in this domain 

A realm of joy and gaety

Isn't for me

No this time

"Maybe in another life"

What's the use to know?

It's like one can't avoid the flow

The current that washes all away

No one can control it

Not even us

Tap into it

Someone

An event

And know immediately 

Like in an instant photograph 

It cam pouring if you let it

Then one runs away

Too much will change it

Too much if me looking into it

As before when I was one with it

So natural but then again so troubling 

You'll be fine buster

You're always fine

I always knew it deep inside 

Didn't I?

It was just my pride

That couldn't let you go

Because you are okay without me

You've always been 

Since the moment I gave you birth

never a more status quo than this

 everyone who was supposed to protect me abandoned me at an early age and so on, each time ppl leave it reopens the wound. I used to be funny and witty because of trauma and hurt, surviving mechanism. since I loved everyone in the pandemic and was told I was an awful person and got my heart stumped on by one of them, then ppl started abandoning me too, I was completely erased in the joy I had. then the deaths came along, after all the therapeutic processes that were so devastating too. now, having nothing but awful conditions, I just returned to that feeling of waiting to die too, because I don't have any hope for anything anymore of joy. the blues have always been strong and deep in my all. 

 I don't know you, I never knew who you've been. I only know what you did to me. All the awful things that made me do and be who I've been. 

 Can't you see I always loved you and wanted you to love me back? Deep inside it's just as simple as that.

Black holes inhabit black holes

And universes are just grains 

So what the hell are we doing?

We could've been so much better

 Thinking of how much I’m like a tree and am too savage and too full of imperfections for this age of AI and plastics and synthetic chocolate and gymn addicts and false appearances and genome edition and billionaires who keep everyone happy-enslaved and distracted by overconsumption and violence and greed and football and creeds, just like all dictators with their playbook did.

Feeding billionaires instead of everyone who needs and should have dignified human conditions to live as it is their basic right.

This neverending circle of unconsciousness and irrationality of a species that brags of being the greatest because it can’t look itself on the mirror and admit the horrors they’ve contributed to.

No one takes the good and proven examples of betterment for everything. We’re so messed up.

(txt I've put on trees video with leaves shaking in the wind, with the song Le voyage de Penélope by Air)

The missing circle

 You were so beautiful to me, can't you see? You are so incredibly beautiful, my everlasting love, the love of my life,. His soft skin, alabaster white, with his unruly hairs all over the place. His eyes and his lips so beautiful pink. You are so beautiful to me. Can't you see? 

I miss you, your chant, your hands gestures and your eyes always so expressive. God, I miss your loving arms, your sweet tenderness and the way you strut or rock your body to the swinging groove. Man, I miss your nose, the tip of it, so fluffy cutie as I told you once. God, I miss you so much, all of you, your entire touch. God how miss your love. God, oh my God, how you were everything to me! 

Flowers bleed

 Flowers bleed

but not sap or perfume 

but their own true colour 

I met a smiley painter 

that was crying inside

in such an invisible way

and such a mute sound

that I couldn't possibly say

I held her instead

I defended her

Protected her as I could 

I rose my sword a bit

against the cunning 

and masterful bullies 

of hers

but they all made her

smile

while she was sad inside

Her paintings moved me

Always surrounded by poetry

And an unspoken melancholy  

There was a path of stone 

That she was threading slowly 

Just to see her smile again 

But each time with more light 

On her face and her heart 

Gross species

 I'm part of this grossest species on Earth that kills and maimes its own and other species, while claiming to be the most intelligent and conscious species. 🤦🏽🤬

Dear Y., I won't write you anymore here, just this once, no biggie

 I am sorry Y., I really can't forget him still, though I tried, but it's neverending, it always felt like that. Haven't seen his Cheshire cat grin, maybe with the years passing it will cease, who knows, I don't know if he will be able to maintain that child in him forever, the same who frowned and collapsed into an honest cry, or a sudden freight or awe, his astonished light blinded startled eyes, but I've noticed the way he sometimes looks down for a moment like remembering some woe, some deep hurt unspoken, some sweet memory lost. God, how I love him like that! Every detail, but this is another that is more, that moves me so. And makes me miss him more. The only one who existed. 

Porcelain - Moby

 In my dreams I'm dying all the time

As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to lie

So this is goodbye

This is goodbye

Tell the truth you never wanted me

Tell me

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time

As I wake I'm going out of my mind

Going out of my mind

Belonging to something/someone

  could never belong, because I couldn't kill all I was. 😐

but I am a member of the human species.

 Each person perceives the other as they please.

Well, yeah, right, I don't know, I mean, I saw you as everything to me and you abandoned me and cursed me, so...

Whatever dude 😎 Each one belongs to their supposed communalities between people. I don't, truly, but sometimes they include me for a moment or so. But everyone knows I'm not really one of them, not like anyone, really, and they all (almost) eventually, end up showing/saying it to me. 

I guess that used to be a bit of an ache and disappointment too. But not anymore, since a long time now, because I know that I truly never did belong to any and that's alright. 

When did everything become "nude coloured"?

 Everything you consume

Everything you wear

Everything you put around 

Everything you dare

Everything you use

Everything you sound

It's all incredibly grey

Is it all because of you

Not wanting to stress away

Even more with too much colours 

Making visual noise 

That you can bear to stare?

Cosmic hunger

 No one knows how all my body craves yours; every cell trembles and is eager to embrace you and no one can explain it. It's like their magnetic and have a cosmic pulling strength towards one another. It's not mere simpleton lust, no, it's a thirst that cannot be quenched. 

It's a black hole that sucks everything dry and nothing can fulfill it or stop it from obliterating time. 

Nothing as it seems - Pearl Jam

 Don't feel like home,.. he's a little out...

And all these words elope,.. it's nothing like your poem...

Putting in,.. inputting in,.. don't feel like methadone...

Scratching voice.. all alone,.. it's nothing like your baritone

It's nothing as it seems,.. the little that he needs,. it's home

The little that he sees,.. is nothing. He concedes,.. it's home

One uninvited chromosome,.. a blanket like the ozone.

It's nothing as it seems, all that he needs,. it's home...

The little that he frees,.. is nothing, he believes...

Saving up a sunny day,.. something maybe two tone...

Anything of his own,.. a chip off the cornerstone...

Who's kidding, rainy day,...one way ticket headstone...

Occupations overthrown,.. a whisper thru a megaphone...

It's nothing as it seems,... the little that he needs,... it's home

The little that he sees, ..is nothing. He concedes,. it's home...

And all that he frees,... a little bittersweet,.. it's home...

It's nothing as it seems,.. the little that you see,.. it's home...

When harsher times come

 Unfortunately, it's been a climb in this awful mountain of despair and hopelessness all around the world. There is a tendency to get even worse with the continuation of the rising of hate and terrible weather aggravating. The uncertainty is making us all blow up in this pressure cooker. 

It's important that we maintain the most calming and peaceful posture we can towards disasters. Even when it comes suddenly and all of your system goes into alert mode. One must do what we can given the circumstances and still always have in mind the greater good. 

I could resolve all if I had a perfect adrenal set functioning. But I don't and it's been life-threatening whenever the stressful events occur almost on a daily basis because of others. Responsability has been so impossibly heavy on my shoulders since a little kid, that I have never known a time where I didn't have to do something for someone, while no one has my back. It's just me for me, without being able to be there for me, because that would imply to not be there for others. 

What I did wrong

 Tell me what I did wrong 

So I can name it 

And move along:

I suffocated you

Persecuted you

Pressured you

Chased you

Criticized you

I insisted non-stop

I blamed you

I told you to go

I told you everything 

Like I were to know 

I did tempt your jealousy 

And your rage and hatred

I did it on purpose 

I went kamikaze on you

I put all the weight in you

I trusted you with my survival 

I didn't listen to you first

I did not stop when I knew best

I was sick in the head

Making narratives and wild guesses

To everything that was next

And carried on because it was on

Though I should have known 

That it was just all coincidence 

Just one sided connection 

Through it all

 There's no true growth and clarity without vulnerability and courage to face yourself and your deepest hurts.

 Don't cry for me or for you missing me, I don't want you to be a fckng hypocrite, you false mfckrs! Besides, when I die I'll finally be rid of all you and I'll be at peace, not being abandoned and hurt and badgered and enslaved all the time. 

It's all over know, you can't fckng fool me no more, you fckngassfcks.

signed: cindefckngrella with no fckng prince 

It's okay, it was just an illusion

 It's okay, it was just an illusion that my heart and mind created in order to withstand the harshness and suffering of life as it's always been. I think I am now more free, as I acknowledged that he wasn't, in almost everything, the person I thought he was. 

I held on to the idea of him for so long, always thinking that whenever I was feeling better from my emotional strife, everything would make me remember him again, like the mind was grabbing all that it could associate to him and make me remember him more again. I guess that must be a symptom of the addicted mind system giving its desperate signals when it sees that the reminiscing is rarer. 

Anyway, I wish I had a real chance in this world to see how it feels to actually find someone that is completely safe and ours to know better, grow old alongside the genuine version of ourselves. 

So please forgive the state I've been

 I was thinking if there was anything in this life of so much suffering and violence that would make it worth it. Then immediately you came to my mind singing this incredibly beautifully, those first words, the gravity and emotion in your voice, the way it hit so hard back then. (though it was probably about her, I would give it all to be me in that moment - how could you do it? nevermind. I know, I understand, I made it too and I guess there wasn't anything I could do that would make you choose me for you forever more)

You were indeed the love of my life, even if you never existed like I thought you did. The most out of this world feeling I ever had and that will never have a true explanation one can rationalize about. If only it was our true love felt, immeasurable and endless, like there was none before. I was just a fool to believe and sometimes I can't believe it was real. I love you, no matter. 

 Talking about it didn't help because I didn't feel listened to with almost anyone and having named and acknowledging what I was feeling didn't make it go away. 

 Tell me the songs you sung thinking of me..

 I loved you totally in everything I saw of you, each thing you showed to be, each thing you showed me that you were. 

(now I realised I push people a little bit on their patience to know who they truly are and then if they show their true colours I can see them and show them they don't have to fear anything and that I liked them just as they truly are. It's a good deconstruction process too.)

Love - synopsis by A. I.

I ran into love because I needed to destroy who I was. - Fyodor Dostoevsky
That’s a powerful and haunting line from Dostoevsky. It touches on the duality of love—how it can feel both redemptive and destructive, liberating and consuming. His words often explore the depths of human emotion, where even the purest feelings can carry shadows of our own undoing.

From everything in every field, that you can grasp knowledge , what is love?

Love is one of humanity’s most profound and debated emotions—a force that has been explored in philosophy, science, art, and spirituality for millennia. There’s no single answer, but here are some perspectives from different fields to help grasp its essence:

Philosophy

Love is often framed as a pursuit of the good, the true, or the beautiful. Thinkers like Plato saw it as a ladder of ascent—from physical attraction to intellectual and spiritual connection. Others, like Erich Fromm, described it as an active choice to commit, care, and know another person, rather than just a feeling. For Simone de Beauvoir, love could also be a battleground of power and freedom.
Plato’s Symposium: Love (Eros) is a desire for beauty and immortality, beginning with attraction to a single body and expanding to love of all beautiful things, including wisdom.
Fromm’s The Art of Loving: Love is a skill that requires knowledge, effort, and maturity. It’s not just a feeling but a conscious decision to nurture another’s growth and well-being.

Psychology
Psychologists break love into components:
Attachment Theory: Love is rooted in early bonds with caregivers. Secure attachments foster healthy relationships, while insecure ones can lead to patterns of anxiety or avoidance.
Triangular Theory of Love (Sternberg): Love has three elements—intimacy (emotional closeness), passion (physical/romantic drive), and commitment (decision to maintain the relationship). Different combinations create different types of love (e.g., companionate love vs. romantic love).
Oxytocin: The “bonding hormone” released during physical touch, childbirth, and social bonding, often called the “love molecule.”
Neuroscience
Love is a chemical cocktail in the brain:
Dopamine: Creates euphoria and craving (like addiction).
Serotonin: Low levels during infatuation may explain obsessive thoughts.
Oxytocin and Vasopressin: Foster trust and long-term bonding.
fMRI scans show that early romantic love lights up the brain’s reward system, similar to cocaine. Long-term love activates areas linked to attachment and calmness.

Biology/Evolution
From an evolutionary standpoint, love may have developed to:
Ensure survival: Pair-bonding increases the likelihood of raising offspring.
Foster cooperation: Love strengthens social bonds, which aid group survival.
Reduce stress: Physical touch and emotional support lower cortisol levels.

Spirituality/Religion
Love is often seen as divine or transformative:
Christianity: “God is love” (1 John 4:8). Love is selfless (agape), modeled by Jesus’ sacrifice.
Buddhism: Love (metta) is compassionate kindness toward all beings, free from attachment.
Hinduism: Love (bhakti) is devotion to the divine, often expressed through rituals and surrender.
Sufism: Love is the path to union with the divine, a burning passion that purifies the soul.

Art and Literature
Love is portrayed as:
Tragic (e.g., Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde): A force that defies reason and leads to ruin.
Transcendent (e.g., Song of Solomon, Rumi’s poetry): A mystical union that elevates the soul.
Everyday (e.g., Pride and Prejudice): A slow-burning, imperfect connection that grows with time.
Modern Definitions
Contemporary thinkers often blend these views:
bell hooks: Love is a verb—an act of will and commitment to justice, care, and mutual growth.
Esther Perel: Love is a dance between security and freedom, where too much closeness can feel suffocating, and too much distance can feel lonely.
Psychologist Lisa Firestone: Love requires differentiation—holding onto your identity while deeply connecting with another.

Love in the Digital Age
Today, love is also shaped by technology:
Dating apps have democratized access to potential partners but can also commodify relationships.
Social media creates performative love (e.g., public displays of affection) while fostering comparison and insecurity.
AI and virtual relationships challenge traditional notions of intimacy and connection.

A Paradox
Dostoevsky’s quote—“I ran into love because I needed to destroy who I was”—captures love’s duality:
It can liberate us, helping us grow beyond our limitations.
It can consume us, stripping away our sense of self in pursuit of fusion with another.
It can heal old wounds or reopen them in new ways.
It can feel like home or like a storm.

So many kinds and definitions for Love but truly it has none

 Maybe men don't believe or can't feel a love that isn't physical or based in a physical desire, even if it's just a fantasy, they don't believe in an ethereal love, a perfect force that exists for itself without having any need to have consequence in the material aspect. 

For it to be truly it in its essence, Love should always transcend and not be only an immediate physical attraction. 

But the best is (and was in my cases) when it transcends first and then becomes physical too. Those are the loves that mark you for life. 

 I ran into love because I needed to destroy who I was. - Fyodor Dostoevsky 

My pledge to you

Dear beloved,

 I will never tell you, by my initiative, what to do again. I will always seek to ask you about your will in everything that is ultimately required. I will respect everything of and about you. I will never hinge your freedoms. I will always be there for you when you want me too and if you need me to and say it clearly. I'll always listen to you.

You can always make any question you want for me to answer. You can always count on me to support you whenever you want my support. You can always be honest with me about everything you are and feel at any moment without any judgement of my part. You can always tell what you think about me and any issues related to me.

To be kind

 The fact that I am kind 

Doesn't mean I am blind

To all the cruelty inside 

Of everyone I came across 

Is there?

 Is there a reality where you and I are together? Yes, there has been already, that's why we can't now. And that's the most tragic thing. 

 Maybe it's true that men can't love women for themselves. They only lust them, or need them for some other reason, but they never love them as they are, for who they truly are. And, mind you, saying you love someone despite their flaws isn't loving someone at all. 

The irritating people who are snobs

 If anything, our story was the most stupid thing I ever been through.. I mean, what a freaking disgrace. Just a bad comedy, tragic, with collateral damage too. I mean, how the hell are we supposed to get to know the other people if we don't show up, mingle, interact and ask some things also when in doubt? You who are putting others down by making exclusive groups and telling who can and can't be in them for no reason of valid importance, are fascists. And you were okay with that and other cruel behaviour, also doing it yourself. And that's why I feel there's no justice on this earth as well. 

 And to love again

would be finding home

just by holding someone 

with a hug or by the hand

that feeling one knows 

for the first time 

it will be forever 

and though I know 

that love doesn't exist 

I also had loves 

and loves had me

because I couldn't resist 

to the sweet fever 

that makes one believe 

Fckng limerence or what the hell

 Why can't I stop wanting you 

Craving your sight

Dreaming your delight 

Loving you so desperately 

Wishing you were forever mine

Even though I know for sure 

That you hate me, wished me death

Would be the last to save me

From this hell I'm at

For fck sakes you killed my soul

Destroyed a love of fool's gold

As you put it it was just control

As you think it was for you

But you never wanted me

Nor my pure love for you

Because you have others

Who you think are like me

And don't know you at all

You always stand tall

Smug and arrogant to us all

I hope that the day I forget you

I don't ever remember you again 

As a possible true love 

The one who destroyed me 

And never looked back

To see the hurt he caused 

Y'all

 You're all happy slaves

Indulging in raves

Dancing away pains

And frustrations everyday 

Aren't you so fine

With all your distractions 

Your vices and contraptions 

Running around in the maze

I know you don't even realise 

Or care to face the rains 

No one is going to save you

Because you aren't worth it

You're just a waste of time 

Of human being in torture 

Faking and escaping into illusion 

With no real escape from confusion 

We are here my friend to tell you

You're the most falsehood person 

One can ever encounter 

You're lying to everyone 

And contributing to destruction 

You, you, you, only you

 All I want you

And yet here I am

Wasting away 

Dying slowly 

Sighing, waiting 

For a better day to come

And though I've seen 

Love isn't a palpable thing

Ours was a substance 

Made in heaven by angels 

And destroyed by humans 

Because you and me

We were never strangers 

We were who we were meant to be 

 Being the one that has to suffer so that everyone can be happy, sucks.

Eclipse

 So it seems I used to be everyone's sun

Then I met the moon

It came and made me undone

Smothered my shine

Made feel I didn't belong 

Not there nor to anyone 

I don't know if there's a cure

If we can both become each other

But for all the years we're done

I can't tell if it's me anymore 

Or if we're together as one

Probably because we're lost

In this big chaotic cosmos 

And just turned into an eclipse 

The many and more that you've hurt

 You're crass

No one knows how you are

How you got no spine

How you're just cynical inside

And uptight and not upright 

Pretending to be caring

And just concerned with appearances 

It gets to be quite malicious 

Your psychopathic schizophrenia 

And how you were attracted 

To your sister while she was a guy

You wrote in a book to disguise 

Or you mentioned a film to confess

"cause it's part of your game nonetheless 

It's all so you feel good inside

Tell and repeat you're a good guy

But newsflash buster: you're not

And you're just convinced you're hot

It's just pathetic to see it in your face

The many and more that you've hurt

I hope one day you're aware 

Of how you've been a disgrace 

 I've never told anyone how badly you hurt me, so instead I just made art.

It's all so painful

 For me you used to be life 

In a time I had lost everything 

Everyone I most loved was gone

Everyday more people were dying 

And you became my light in darkness 

You became my tenderness and care

You were all that now I would dare

Amd I'm so sorry I didn't honour that 

I didn't keep us safe in a better way

I didn't put all my effort to save us

From any risks, perils and menaces

I'm still sick, for my things and you

Though I feel less intensively harm

I still can feel your despise for me 

It's in your cynical and fake tone

It's on every pore of yours on its own

Amd I know I am still your home

As the one you made for me

Don't worry, love, it's as you sang

Destiny 

though now I'm quite misandric

 Today I recalled how I've put myself literally in front of boys (boyfriends, soul brother, brother, friend) in order to defend or protect them from violence, whether it was a burglar case or any other violent threat even with weapons involved. I was thinking if the person I am today would continue to do that for them. Probably would but just as I would for other people, instinctively, in an attempt to apease the mood. 

 You were the prettiest thing.

Wine (I'm more into Sauternes now)

 It was wine 

The lilac wine

It is wine

And one day we'll be deservingly (and much due) drinking it

(in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn)

I'm the biggest badass of all times (BBOAT :D)

 You gotta be one hard ass motherfckr to face yourself, your feelings, your actions and reactions, be courageous enough to be sensitive and vulnerable and open, spread your arms wide open and give your chest to the bullets of every fckng asshole that isn't brave like that. 

Romance

 I exist in him

My whole heart

Beating

Waiting for him to arrive 

And tell me everything 

Or nothing at all

And just kiss me

I'm always here 

Missing him

Hoping my wish 

For us to become 

Together forever 

Is granted by a star

That knows where we are

Apart

 I loved someone for years

With all my heart

Though I never met him

Though we fell apart 

I kept on loving him

Because I didn't command 

The beat of the feeling 

It all just slipped off my hand

But he never loved me either 

There is nothing to be done 

Unless he perceives me

And remembers what he said 

That we would always be together 

No matter what

But maybe he was just making fun

 Love should be free.

Snap out of it, girl

 They are all alike and like all of them

He's got man boobs and a shallow fringe

Prone to baldness and belly of a beer keg

Everything you say falls off his ears

And he only talks from the books he repeats

He mocks all girls thinking he's handsome 

Plays the mysterious so to hide he's empty 

My, oh my, what an insecure little man

All shoulders and throat, no truth no spine

You can do much better than him, he knows 

That's why he's always jealous and at war

He even hates you and wishes you're dead

Just that you get out of his predictable head

And guess what, no wonder, he wouldn't 

Give you proper head as he should have 

Because he doesn't believe in improving 

He has long surrendered to his insufficiency

And though you thought the world of him

And actually wanted to give him the world 

And saw him as perfect, entirely, as he was 

And even saw past his neglect and excuses 

You should know he would never get it truly 

What you meant by the world and him

Specially you who never wanted to be queen

To be going on to rule anyone or anything 

 I just wanted to feel your loving arms around me. 

 love inside the blood, bleeding away.

 If you truly love someone and that person goes away, I know the love does still remain, unless it gets destroyed by repeated deception and disappointment.

A bit of the current grasshopping on existencial anguish

 I was just thinking "imagine what we'll know 100 years from now...", after I saw something about how scientists discovered that foetus dream in the womb, much more than in any other stage of life, it seems. I'm guessing they recorded the brain waves activity in the REM with those higher frequency ranges of Alpa and Gamma, or whatever, but they don't know what exactly are they dreaming of, in any imagery at all, since they are not supposed to have any memories still. Even if they're recording the memories of sound and what they are experiencing inside the womb, they're just processing those things and they are thus establishing the neural network. Of course, being more inclined to spiritual matters on that page that I saw the post, they were talking of how the foetuses must be having the memories of they're earlier lives in they're dreams. I remembered of the documentary about the brain that also does show that almost 70% of the children studied about past lives do in fact remember things that were proven. 

Meanwhile I saw a start of a romcom asking things like "does love really come on time?". And after all that I saw another post saying that an expert on climate change says ( that you should do all you love now) we got only 20 years before it goes all to hell for good on Earth, on account of major oil and energy companies like Shell. Also earlier I've seen how the places that have bases data centers have registered up to 16 degrees Celsius of increase on local temperatures.