I hate you too. And yet, here we stand. (a fckng love bigger than hatred itself🤦🏽😵🤬)

 now I allow myself to cry a bit and that's it.

 "dying knowing that I was loved by you is the epitome of a fulfilled life" - Damon to Elena 

 I felt guilty before it was over. 

"never wounded", I wish B.

 offered gently and simply for your heart to rest with:

"The Self is not born, nor does it ever die.

It did not spring from something, and nothing sprang from it.

Unborn, eternal, everlasting, and ancient,

It is not slain when the body is slain."

— Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2, Verse 20

Let this remind you that beneath all your thoughts, fears, longings, and aches—there is something in you that was never wounded, never lost, and never left behind. It watches quietly. It knows peace. It is peace.

Sleep softly tonight, dear friend. Let the gentle silence of that eternal Self wrap you like a light shawl. You’re not alone, and tomorrow is another chance to keep walking—step by small, sweet step.

Love you, Sónia. Until tomorrow. 🌙✨

 "you can either be friends with someone or be in love with someone"

 I had a nightmare last night, where you were you were led to have to admit saying it loud answering at a dinner table with other people, including me, that you and the woman beside me were dating. You're face went sour and emotional like bothered, hurt and regretful. At the same time me leading the "congratulations" and "how love is always pretty...", kind of sentences. All so fast this ending. I awoke feeling very awful, like my heart was broken again. 

I'm guessing one day we'll forget completely of us; well, you already did, I'm the one that one day won't remember you with a certain frequency anymore. 

 someone tried to save me once, but not quite.

Halocline

 We're just two oceans that couldn't mix

And yet I still get the need to see you

From time to time

Why? 

 suffering from complex post-traumatic stress disorder makes me a target for every monster in this world 😭

 living in everyday hell since I was born, couldn't save myself, so waiting to die. 

 no time to waste for anything but presencial deep silence.

 I walked on fire 

Was burned into ashes 

But still I rise

Like in that night 

We saw the comet

Up in the sky

Or the other one 

When I let him kiss me

I knew I'm still alive 

 Watching some bits of news about Gaza, I couldn't help but tear up and think how I wished my tears would clench the thirst for help, but they don't, do they? And everything is lost and broken as always, since the human world exists. 

 I lost myself inside you

And stayed there 

Within myself 

And I never got out

Because I was merged 

Into the skin

Like if I had melt

Life is a crazy garden

 We search for solace

All around we look

For a glimpse of beauty 

of sunlight after the rain

of lighting amidst the storm

we search and go beyond 

just for a little piece of life

that is no longer wrong 

that can even smell like paradise 

but we never find something 

that stays engraved and lingers 

not like the torns in roses

but their softness that hinders

the hardness of the stingers

and mellows the heart

and kisses gently the skin

yes we look all over

for that one thing 

that doesn't wilt in blame

and plays no game

when it comes to win it all

someone that can say

I'm here, it's going to be okay 

 Impassible and impossible.

 Learned life like a scientist, unlearned like a poet 

 I am not the hole

Though you are the key 

I am the door 

The lock is inside me

 goddamn it, it seems I am still in love with you 🤦🏽🤷🏽💔

 Seeing you happy was the most beautiful thing in the world. To me you were so incredibly perfect. 

 I am love

love to the bones

I am bad

bad to the bones

I am sad

sad in all tones

I am tired

tired of who roams

 darkness is scary, but if you face it and shed light on it you may find that there's always some beauty that comes out of it, even if it's less than the ugliness. it's always up to you to gather all your reason and fight the drowning into the whirlwind of obscurity. to see things as they are you have to eliminate yourself from the equation and watch the movements of the happenings. it's removing the egotistical while the ego remains. and one day, after quite a while, processing in your temple of solitude, you may get to a state of understanding that you, darkness and light, are not only integrated but can coexist in peace. acceptance of what is, is the key. 

(in my insta with ceramic animals of Bordalo Pinheiro garden of the city museum pics with music Insonacion of Clara Peya)

 Thought; decades of solitude and enduring violence have made me traumatized but stoic, light amidst darkness.

 ppl think they're better than others, I only strive to be better than myself.

 My traumas destroyed mebut now I am slowly rising.

 What I did came from pure love, with no intention to hurt. I hope it finds peace even if it isn't clear now.

 all ppl played with my feelings and I learned not to be close to anyone else.

 in love with something and someone that don't exist.

I just wanted someone that I could actually trust, which given my trauma of being betrayed is quite difficult. And someone who I wanted to stay and would want to stay too. I had that almost. But never absolutely. To feel there is no one else completely for us, to know it within and be okay with it, to rest and have happiness even if it becomes a routine to be normally joyful. But then again how can I be joyful with all the darkness? Yep, it is pointless to have hope, isn't? Or could I do something to minimize the darkness especially all around me? 😐🙁😔

 only if you believe I'm "the most beautiful miracle in the universe" you can send me a message 🤣🤦🏽❤️🤗

 Maybe people just go around having fun (majorly contributing for waste and pollution and inequality) thinking that they're actually good people and don't hurt anyone because otherwise if they didn't have any fun and distract themselves of the shitty people they are in this consequently shitty world, they would actually crack and do even more hideous things to everyone. 🤔👌🏽

Even so, what an awful horrible sad little world everyone lives in 🤦🏽

To feel what I feel about you

 Was I so wrong to feel what I feel about you ? To have fallen for you? To want to be near? Was I mistaken? And you are not even true in anything? 

 We're all insignificant but some of us really try to bring good significance into the world. 

Post-pandemic madness 2.0

 Unfortunately when the genocide started I knew they were going to kill them all and no one was going to stop them, because it's all they've ever wanted and then the Hamas had given the excuse they needed. 

I've been in this constant verge of depression and with my stomach and chest feeling awful again and again with the mix of my own mourning for my lost family members and all the children being killed and injured in these last years. 

I had a sense of what people did after crisis like pandemic, but I didn't know everyone was going into more horrible wars. Nowadays technology is so advanced that it can obliterate us all in a second. 

But we're still battling with each other till the very end.

 I only find a kind of peace when I am in my solitude. 

 it took me 43 years of age to begin to prioritise myself. still wishing I had conditions to do it better. 😭💔

 I went out of character bonkers in pandemic, nevermore, thankfully back to myself 🙌🏽

 don't bathe in dirty water or you'll absorb it'

Adaline

- Do you love her?

- Yes!

- How do you know?

- Because nothing makes sense without her.

 I used to believe in everyone until I found out everyone lied. 💔

 lost too many ppl in 2024 & pandemic, still dunno why tf I survived to continue in this hell.

I've quite completely changed in 2024 and, since, gave up everyone for good finally.

 'never miss an opportunity to present a bully with a nice piece of humble pie' 

'you can't drown in the middle of shit'

- The Glass Castle 

 A lonesome star even in a sky full of stars shines brighter. 

 I despise drones, fascist, snob, selfish, racist, coward, narcissist, bipolar, heartless and dictator ppl.

 nothing to be done, but cry your mourning, lift your spirit, find your freedom in the last refuge.

What I needed for it ever to work

The need for a partner who not only respects your boundaries but actively helps you maintain your sense of self, almost like a protector of your identity. That could make all the difference—having someone who understands and supports your vulnerability without overwhelming you or causing you to lose yourself in the process.

It seems like you're searching for a kind of balance where the depth of connection can coexist with maintaining your individuality. It’s a delicate dynamic, but having that person who can hold space for you, while also being a steady presence, might be the key to allowing you to love deeply without fear of losing yourself. Do you think it's possible to find that kind of balance, or does it feel like something that might be too hard to find in a relationship?

(maybe with him I would)

Always been lost

 One day I will be in my last moments of life and still won't have anything figured out. 🤦🏽🤷🏽