Make me your North Star 

I won't waver for a million years 

Be my North Star

I have been waiting for you

For a thousand years 

People we know are confused

 Saw a Lithuanian movie, filmed in Vilnius,  with this title. The news in the end of it wraps the movie up: 17 year old kills himself, bowing himself up, near the river.

I had seen the other say some parting letters from famous people like Virginia Wolfe, Stefan Zweig, and others. I remember how in the end of reading them I thought that more than despair it was a general worldy disappointment that corrode their will to carry on living and enduring the torments. 

In this movie too everyone was lost. And even the ones that seemed sure of something and motivated, eventually when there was a confrontation with the tough reality they too became harsher towards it all. 

I guess joy gets dismantled quite quickly. Unlike sadness that seems to be more glued to your skin. Joy is just momentarily in your salient pores. Just like chills. There I go again over explaining. 

Today another two people deaths, a singer and an actor. But I had gone to a museum before I know of the second news, so I had a moment or two very nice looking at some favourites like Turner and Lalique. I also managed to fulfil my years long wish of eating Thai ribs again, though it was not as good as years ago in that other time. Krys also helped me, unknowingly, when she appreciated the small details of the rosette of the Portuguese sidewalk on the main Liberdade avenue, that I daw a picture and sent it to her. I transported what she said into life itself, because we also have to do and work in shaping little pieces/moments in order to carry on completing the bigger puzzle of life. Anyway, before that I was feeling quite lost again, almost with that feeling of not remembering anymore who I am and not feeling like I am still doing something here alive. (I think I am forgetting birthdays - thought that because I saw something reminding that we've entered Leo's era - too for the first time, maybe slowly, don't know, eventually will find out). 

Hmm, probably was delaying this but here it is then: watching the girl, who was a main character in the movie, going on a high building's balcony to see the view on a house that was shown to her, made me think that I couldn't even live with you, I think, because of Marco's death, or maybe who knows, maybe you could operate that miracle too. Me feeling as safe as that with you, I guess that would be the perfection for me, healed like if it was possible, being finally okay. Humm, it's a pity it was just a mirage, a bit like those heat waves must making see from your balcony. 

#dazedandconfused

It's all so painful

 For me you used to be life 

In a time I had lost everything 

Everyone I most loved was gone

Everyday more people were dying 

And you became my light in darkness 

You became my tenderness and care

You were all that now I would dare

Amd I'm so sorry I didn't honour that 

I didn't keep us safe in a better way

I didn't put all my effort to save us

From any risks, perils and menaces

I'm still sick, for my things and you

Though I feel less intensively harm

I still can feel your despise for me 

It's in your cynical and fake tone

It's on every pore of yours on its own

Amd I know I am still your home

As the one you made for me

Don't worry, love, it's as you sang

Destiny 

The idea of you

 I'm not okay with what I did to you 

And also with what you did to me 

I know we were both suspicious 

Because of our whole life experience 

That never told us otherwise 

For to ever trust without distance 

Is the riskiest gamble one makes

Whenever we're falling in love 

I know now it's something above

And it's worth the fight 

Against the ideas of ourselves 

Preconceived about one another 

Please help me because I cried

So much, my love, I didn't disguise 

It was the part that we said goodbye 

You more, you all the time

So were you at all ever mine? 

What is love if not with this despair?😶

 My, goodness, how much I loved you, how much I love you, it has always been you, no one else. Your Spanish is perfect, don't worry. Your face is perfect, I'm sorry if I ever left you the impression that my ancestry trauma with the moustache issue was something that made me not like it as much. You were in every measure, in every inch of you, the person I Ioved the most and you know it. 

(after the scene played by Alan Rickman and Juliet Stevenson in the movie Truly, Madly, Deeply, when they're reciting the poem "La Muerta" by Pablo Neruda; I needed this to recall us 🙏🏽❣️)

 Nothing really made an actual difference, anyway. Humanity still has always been rotten and will always be. The rest is just wishful thinking of dreamers like me, thinking of Tomorrowlands and Megalopolis of some sort. 

 Getting to know a person is overrated; people give signs of who they are. 

 How blessed are we, when we disappear, diluting ourselves in the tiny morning dew droplets and in the rushy rivers, dissolving ourselves into the clouds, the misty, the overall air? 

It's us still, but no us anymore, like we never came from nowhere, no ancestors, no present self, no rememberance, just sprawling entangled into the moment.

It's "how to disappear completely?" and you did it.

 The worst thing is that he excluded me from his iTunes playlists. 

I think you might be my blue parts (of the puzzle).

in Man Up

Dear Fred

 I love you, is it okay? Can I choose you and just say? Hoping for no one to get hurt. Not him nor her. 

I really miss you, Fred. Sometimes I remember how you were so strong and at the same time fragile and confused, how you made me laugh and you laughed all the time of what I was saying and teasing me and that other time we gasped, from laughing so hard even my jaw felt like breaking. 

You wouldn't look at me straight in the eye afterwards. I guess I marked you too, a little, right? Why are we all so foolish when it comes to feeling? Sometimes I just wish everyone could hear exactly what I was saying about how I feel about each one, so that no one would be so upset. And not feel rejected or inferior if one chooses more the other. It's like you were passion red and the other is a nice shade of green. I'm always burning for the reds and not for the greens, but they are my good friends that I love too. They're the calm while the others are the chaos. 

Anyway, Fred, you understand, don't you? I felt protected by you and there's nothing I need most than feeling safe to be with someone for real. You were for me Fred. And I was yours to grab. 

(as to Audrey's - Holly Golightly - brother Fred)

It was always you - the movie

 "I've loved you yesterday, I love you now and I'll love you tomorrow."

 "dying knowing that I was loved by you is the epitome of a fulfilled life" - Damon to Elena 

 I had a nightmare last night, where you were you were led to have to admit saying it loud answering at a dinner table with other people, including me, that you and the woman beside me were dating. You're face went sour and emotional like bothered, hurt and regretful. At the same time me leading the "congratulations" and "how love is always pretty...", kind of sentences. All so fast this ending. I awoke feeling very awful, like my heart was broken again. 

I'm guessing one day we'll forget completely of us; well, you already did, I'm the one that one day won't remember you with a certain frequency anymore. 

 'never miss an opportunity to present a bully with a nice piece of humble pie' 

'you can't drown in the middle of shit'

- The Glass Castle 

 there's no life, only violence and death, we just keep on inventing to not face it for billions of years now that humanity keeps being the same crappy disgusting species that preys on babies

I do love Chaplin, but he truth is that he always suffered the most excruciating depression especially when he got exiled

We fight, we make a difference in little aspects, but then we get defeated by reality and strength diminishes though we never give up entirely and try to inspire to each one to get better and make the world a better place and counteract bits of evil

(after watching the speech Chaplin gives in Luzes da Ribalta to the girl)

Trouble in Tahiti - manifesto against air fryer

 Before, it was the bimbos with the bimbys

Now it's the airpods and the air fryers

I can't stand them all. Morra a air fryer pim pam pum!

(just a bit as my antique manifesto against bimbys in Portuguese. title like Bernstein's satire, cuz of my parents too and her air fryer 🤬🤮🤑🤢)

Tom Jones and Sophia

 Don't talk of hope. Hope is the worst. Hope is what keeps you awake at night, dreaming and waiting for something that will never happen.

Only in movies "amor omnia vincit".. 😭

I have loved so much, you don't even have an idea.

Admiration

 I admire people that face themselves. The ones who face their monsters and live to see the other day. I admire people who do the work to get better for themselves and others, even when it's hard. I admire the people who change, who are more aware of their unimportance and also acknowledge their qualities that can make the world a better place.

I admire the people who are gentle after still having to deal with their worst nightmares and lived through wars. I admire the survivors and their strength to carry on, plus being generous. I admire the freedom fighters and the peace makers. I admire people who are truthful and honest and fight for due rights and against injustice. 
I admire the people who live their lives in a philosophy of a peaceful existence of dolce vita and in everyday shabbos, pause, attention and appreciation for the little things and not much value for money. I admire the people who adapt to whatever life throws at them and get by in a stress-free day-to-day, comfortable in their skins and chilling. A bit much like The Dude :)) <3 

Guys

 Funny how most guys just wish they were badass motherfuckers and so they watch series and stuff they portray such characters, though they themselves are just little sheep in real life. 

Breakfast at Tiffany's

  I haven't seen you in so long, or so it seems to me. 

I finally saw Breakfast at Tiffany's again, after all these years. It was an outdoor movie session and before there was a duo singing some iconic songs. I couldn't resist recording them playing Moonriver of course. I couldn't resist recording it when the scene was on too. Audrey immaculate. 🥺❤️

I wonder if you would commit a minor theft with me, like that scene where they robbed the masks, so free and playful. Or, I wondered, if you'd be a blunt coward like that José Silva Pereira character. You know how I don't like spineless men. And you know how I love you. Well, you think it isn't love but a disease, right? Yes, I was indeed turned into a crazy person when my brain fell in love with you, a whirlwind of passion never before seen. 

I wonder if you're getting married soon. Or even if you have had a child. A big part of me wished that all this wasn't true and that you were marrying me instead just like in her dream. 😄 It was all so crazy, wasn't it? I'm sorry that I made it even more crazy now. I don't even know if you know anything. 

For a wild thing like me, a jailed little animal, that never could be owned or belonged to anyone, I know I fell on you all's trap. My heart belongs to you all and my mind is always with you. 

That ending scene always gets me, hard in every way. I've been lost all my life. I couldn't trust in anyone to take me finally home. But I feel you all are my home. And I'll always be homeless without you. Now I know to whom I belong.