When you lost the person that you love the most on your own account and feel depressed and guilty and unworthy for so long, either you stay still like a couch potato or you try to distract yourself, but both things don't make it feel any better. Deep inside there's this massive ache and will to die just because you got no hope. No hope for love, for health and the end of the pandemic or whatever will work to improve in anything your life that isn't going to be worse or go wrong.
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