I don't know you, I never knew who you've been. I only know what you did to me. All the awful things that made me do and be who I've been. 

 Can't you see I always loved you and wanted you to love me back? Deep inside it's just as simple as that.

Black holes inhabit black holes

And universes are just grains 

So what the hell are we doing?

We could've been so much better

 Thinking of how much I’m like a tree and am too savage and too full of imperfections for this age of AI and plastics and synthetic chocolate and gymn addicts and false appearances and genome edition and billionaires who keep everyone happy-enslaved and distracted by overconsumption and violence and greed and football and creeds, just like all dictators with their playbook did.

Feeding billionaires instead of everyone who needs and should have dignified human conditions to live as it is their basic right.

This neverending circle of unconsciousness and irrationality of a species that brags of being the greatest because it can’t look itself on the mirror and admit the horrors they’ve contributed to.

No one takes the good and proven examples of betterment for everything. We’re so messed up.

(txt I've put on trees video with leaves shaking in the wind, with the song Le voyage de Penélope by Air)

The missing circle

 You were so beautiful to me, can't you see? You are so incredibly beautiful, my everlasting love, the love of my life,. His soft skin, alabaster white, with his unruly hairs all over the place. His eyes and his lips so beautiful pink. You are so beautiful to me. Can't you see? 

I miss you, your chant, your hands gestures and your eyes always so expressive. God, I miss your loving arms, your sweet tenderness and the way you strut or rock your body to the swinging groove. Man, I miss your nose, the tip of it, so fluffy cutie as I told you once. God, I miss you so much, all of you, your entire touch. God how miss your love. God, oh my God, how you were everything to me! 

Flowers bleed

 Flowers bleed

but not sap or perfume 

but their own true colour 

I met a smiley painter 

that was crying inside

in such an invisible way

and such a mute sound

that I couldn't possibly say

I held her instead

I defended her

Protected her as I could 

I rose my sword a bit

against the cunning 

and masterful bullies 

of hers

but they all made her

smile

while she was sad inside

Her paintings moved me

Always surrounded by poetry

And an unspoken melancholy  

There was a path of stone 

That she was threading slowly 

Just to see her smile again 

But each time with more light 

On her face and her heart 

Gross species

 I'm part of this grossest species on Earth that kills and maimes its own and other species, while claiming to be the most intelligent and conscious species. 🤦🏽🤬

Dear Y., I won't write you anymore here, just this once, no biggie

 I am sorry Y., I really can't forget him still, though I tried, but it's neverending, it always felt like that. Haven't seen his Cheshire cat grin, maybe with the years passing it will cease, who knows, I don't know if he will be able to maintain that child in him forever, the same who frowned and collapsed into an honest cry, or a sudden freight or awe, his astonished light blinded startled eyes, but I've noticed the way he sometimes looks down for a moment like remembering some woe, some deep hurt unspoken, some sweet memory lost. God, how I love him like that! Every detail, but this is another that is more, that moves me so. And makes me miss him more. The only one who existed. 

Porcelain - Moby

 In my dreams I'm dying all the time

As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to lie

So this is goodbye

This is goodbye

Tell the truth you never wanted me

Tell me

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time

As I wake I'm going out of my mind

Going out of my mind

Belonging to something/someone

  could never belong, because I couldn't kill all I was. 😐

but I am a member of the human species.

 Each person perceives the other as they please.

Well, yeah, right, I don't know, I mean, I saw you as everything to me and you abandoned me and cursed me, so...

Whatever dude 😎 Each one belongs to their supposed communalities between people. I don't, truly, but sometimes they include me for a moment or so. But everyone knows I'm not really one of them, not like anyone, really, and they all (almost) eventually, end up showing/saying it to me. 

I guess that used to be a bit of an ache and disappointment too. But not anymore, since a long time now, because I know that I truly never did belong to any and that's alright. 

When did everything become "nude coloured"?

 Everything you consume

Everything you wear

Everything you put around 

Everything you dare

Everything you use

Everything you sound

It's all incredibly grey

Is it all because of you

Not wanting to stress away

Even more with too much colours 

Making visual noise 

That you can bear to stare?

Cosmic hunger

 No one knows how all my body craves yours; every cell trembles and is eager to embrace you and no one can explain it. It's like their magnetic and have a cosmic pulling strength towards one another. It's not mere simpleton lust, no, it's a thirst that cannot be quenched. 

It's a black hole that sucks everything dry and nothing can fulfill it or stop it from obliterating time. 

Nothing as it seems - Pearl Jam

 Don't feel like home,.. he's a little out...

And all these words elope,.. it's nothing like your poem...

Putting in,.. inputting in,.. don't feel like methadone...

Scratching voice.. all alone,.. it's nothing like your baritone

It's nothing as it seems,.. the little that he needs,. it's home

The little that he sees,.. is nothing. He concedes,.. it's home

One uninvited chromosome,.. a blanket like the ozone.

It's nothing as it seems, all that he needs,. it's home...

The little that he frees,.. is nothing, he believes...

Saving up a sunny day,.. something maybe two tone...

Anything of his own,.. a chip off the cornerstone...

Who's kidding, rainy day,...one way ticket headstone...

Occupations overthrown,.. a whisper thru a megaphone...

It's nothing as it seems,... the little that he needs,... it's home

The little that he sees, ..is nothing. He concedes,. it's home...

And all that he frees,... a little bittersweet,.. it's home...

It's nothing as it seems,.. the little that you see,.. it's home...

When harsher times come

 Unfortunately, it's been a climb in this awful mountain of despair and hopelessness all around the world. There is a tendency to get even worse with the continuation of the rising of hate and terrible weather aggravating. The uncertainty is making us all blow up in this pressure cooker. 

It's important that we maintain the most calming and peaceful posture we can towards disasters. Even when it comes suddenly and all of your system goes into alert mode. One must do what we can given the circumstances and still always have in mind the greater good. 

I could resolve all if I had a perfect adrenal set functioning. But I don't and it's been life-threatening whenever the stressful events occur almost on a daily basis because of others. Responsability has been so impossibly heavy on my shoulders since a little kid, that I have never known a time where I didn't have to do something for someone, while no one has my back. It's just me for me, without being able to be there for me, because that would imply to not be there for others. 

What I did wrong

 Tell me what I did wrong 

So I can name it 

And move along:

I suffocated you

Persecuted you

Pressured you

Chased you

Criticized you

I insisted non-stop

I blamed you

I told you to go

I told you everything 

Like I were to know 

I did tempt your jealousy 

And your rage and hatred

I did it on purpose 

I went kamikaze on you

I put all the weight in you

I trusted you with my survival 

I didn't listen to you first

I did not stop when I knew best

I was sick in the head

Making narratives and wild guesses

To everything that was next

And carried on because it was on

Though I should have known 

That it was just all coincidence 

Just one sided connection 

Through it all

 There's no true growth and clarity without vulnerability and courage to face yourself and your deepest hurts.

 Don't cry for me or for you missing me, I don't want you to be a fckng hypocrite, you false mfckrs! Besides, when I die I'll finally be rid of all you and I'll be at peace, not being abandoned and hurt and badgered and enslaved all the time. 

It's all over know, you can't fckng fool me no more, you fckngassfcks.

signed: cindefckngrella with no fckng prince 

It's okay, it was just an illusion

 It's okay, it was just an illusion that my heart and mind created in order to withstand the harshness and suffering of life as it's always been. I think I am now more free, as I acknowledged that he wasn't, in almost everything, the person I thought he was. 

I held on to the idea of him for so long, always thinking that whenever I was feeling better from my emotional strife, everything would make me remember him again, like the mind was grabbing all that it could associate to him and make me remember him more again. I guess that must be a symptom of the addicted mind system giving its desperate signals when it sees that the reminiscing is rarer. 

Anyway, I wish I had a real chance in this world to see how it feels to actually find someone that is completely safe and ours to know better, grow old alongside the genuine version of ourselves. 

So please forgive the state I've been

 I was thinking if there was anything in this life of so much suffering and violence that would make it worth it. Then immediately you came to my mind singing this incredibly beautifully, those first words, the gravity and emotion in your voice, the way it hit so hard back then. (though it was probably about her, I would give it all to be me in that moment - how could you do it? nevermind. I know, I understand, I made it too and I guess there wasn't anything I could do that would make you choose me for you forever more)

You were indeed the love of my life, even if you never existed like I thought you did. The most out of this world feeling I ever had and that will never have a true explanation one can rationalize about. If only it was our true love felt, immeasurable and endless, like there was none before. I was just a fool to believe and sometimes I can't believe it was real. I love you, no matter. 

 Talking about it didn't help because I didn't feel listened to with almost anyone and having named and acknowledging what I was feeling didn't make it go away. 

 Tell me the songs you sung thinking of me..