People we know are confused

 Saw a Lithuanian movie, filmed in Vilnius,  with this title. The news in the end of it wraps the movie up: 17 year old kills himself, bowing himself up, near the river.

I had seen the other say some parting letters from famous people like Virginia Wolfe, Stefan Zweig, and others. I remember how in the end of reading them I thought that more than despair it was a general worldy disappointment that corrode their will to carry on living and enduring the torments. 

In this movie too everyone was lost. And even the ones that seemed sure of something and motivated, eventually when there was a confrontation with the tough reality they too became harsher towards it all. 

I guess joy gets dismantled quite quickly. Unlike sadness that seems to be more glued to your skin. Joy is just momentarily in your salient pores. Just like chills. There I go again over explaining. 

Today another two people deaths, a singer and an actor. But I had gone to a museum before I know of the second news, so I had a moment or two very nice looking at some favourites like Turner and Lalique. I also managed to fulfil my years long wish of eating Thai ribs again, though it was not as good as years ago in that other time. Krys also helped me, unknowingly, when she appreciated the small details of the rosette of the Portuguese sidewalk on the main Liberdade avenue, that I daw a picture and sent it to her. I transported what she said into life itself, because we also have to do and work in shaping little pieces/moments in order to carry on completing the bigger puzzle of life. Anyway, before that I was feeling quite lost again, almost with that feeling of not remembering anymore who I am and not feeling like I am still doing something here alive. (I think I am forgetting birthdays - thought that because I saw something reminding that we've entered Leo's era - too for the first time, maybe slowly, don't know, eventually will find out). 

Hmm, probably was delaying this but here it is then: watching the girl, who was a main character in the movie, going on a high building's balcony to see the view on a house that was shown to her, made me think that I couldn't even live with you, I think, because of Marco's death, or maybe who knows, maybe you could operate that miracle too. Me feeling as safe as that with you, I guess that would be the perfection for me, healed like if it was possible, being finally okay. Humm, it's a pity it was just a mirage, a bit like those heat waves must making see from your balcony. 

#dazedandconfused