I'm crying writing you this one

 I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was in love with you; I didn't understand and accept what was going on till it was too late, the "self-defense" mechanism had blown everything to shit already. Actually it never happened to me before, but then again I didn't fall in love before when I was sick with hyperadrenalism. 

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I told you I'm sorry. But nothing really makes it all go away, the hedious part. Part of me was conscious of the results and the violence of what I was doing and thought it was necessary a bit. I don't know why I even returned to pray after all these years, just for my despair of the situation, and asked that you had some girlfriend and that l would know so it all ends all the confusion and feeling. But it didn't end. And everyone keeps saying still to go there and I've even thought of it, searched some way, even knowing I would die. 

I just wanted to be held by you, all this time, to lean my head on you chest and listen to your heartbeat, beating for me too. I'm so tired, so tired, I just wanted to rest near you, with your arms holding me. 

I love you for a "thousand years", my all. 

I'm so sorry. I already knew you weren't supposed to be mine so early I guess. But knowing you will marry someone else and think she is the woman of your life, is actually making me really sad. 

What can I do? I had no chance from the beginning. There was a moment I really believed in you, I thought you felt it all too and that somehow that faith and everything that we were experiencing was going to make you be indeed that warrior with the Saint Michael's/George's sword and you would come and rescue me from my death. 

How ingenuous and a romantic fool I was. :)