Without you three

 Why is it so painful to live without them? Probably also because my life is an living hell everyday, though I am much better at concentrating only in myself and caring for my body and mind, limiting more all access to myself of damaging people. But the blunt undeniable truth, lurching aching in my heart is that even when I am in my utmost possible state of peace or bliss, they always come to my mind. Sometimes in the form of a bit of lament for not having them witnessing some nice thing with me sharing that peace/bliss, or sometimes just thinking they would actually like to see that same thing, or I just end up thinking they're happy as well doing something they like and having a joyful moment. I know they have much more joyful moments than me, so in that matter I'm more at peace and don't have to worry about them as much anymore. 

My life without them has (got not much solace or joy or stable harmony) .. GOD, WHO AM I KIDDING?? I WORRY ABOUT THEM, OF COURSE, AND SOMETIMES - THOUGH MORE RARE LATELY - I DO FEEL SOMETHING ISN'T REALLY WELL IN THEIR FEELINGS. "But it's not mine to carry", can't do anything anymore, more than what I do, which is wishing always that it gets better soon, whatever it is, that they will be okay. 

It's not limerence anymore. Can't be, even, technically. It's just that thing that is said already: the grief of so much love and all the once thought future forsaken.

All as it is. All as it's possible to be, anyway. I miss you, though, guys, I hope you never doubt the love I've been feeling all these years for you, even when you did say it wasn't really love but a kind of emotional dependency. You see, I realised I did need the three men I loved the most in my life and I did adore many of their traits and who they were in essence, but with you three - one being also one those three men I loved the most -, I never needed anything from you but wanted to be with you, near you, because I loved you, yourselves, just as you presented yourselves or just as you simply existed, no reasons really to say in concrete. You were the ones I loved and cared for, especially during that crazy time. I hope, as always, that you continue well and incredible as you always have been. And even when you are feeling downtrodden and more incapable, may you know that that's not what you are, but instead you are a complete bundle of incredible things in the absolute form of strength and worldly determination. You are the bomb. (And she's a bombshell too😄)