without you i went crazy because I of everything that happened and me needing to force us to stray away. it's definitely the worst that has happened for the last two decades for me. 

Defiance

 You've defied me and my heart in a way that nobody else did. You've angered me and destroyed my peace. I couldn't bare your cruelty and your game. I fell in love with you and got ashamed and you humiliated me too. I know I was not the only one to blame, but I know I am the only one who feels a monumental guilt. 

To know you're free and happy is all I wanted but I know that I will always love you so. You didn't defy me for you to be the love of my life and yet it happened with me thinking that it was the worse thing to happen to my already bruised heart.

 Realising I had fallen in love with you was one of the scariest things I ever felt. It was all so terrifying because of the enormity of the love I felt for you. Nothing had ever happened to me like that before.

Madness

 He drove her to the edge of madness, like he did to so many before her, with his carelessness and indifference.

 Knowing you exist has destroyed my life and made me have the most beautiful and heartbreaking dream about an impossible love.

 We weren't ready. The moments of certainty weren't absolutely solid to overcome the fear. But I hope that at least you felt it too.

I loved you more than anything in this fucking life

 and you denied me, said I was just a fanatic and compared me to a whore. You laughed at me and made jokes with your friends, you gaslighted me and then you ghosted me, blocked me and took the people I loved from me, And you never cared and just hated me and left me to die suffering all alone as always and without anything good to hold on to anymore. You took everything I had of joy and the period of most happiness just for being able to listen to you. Why did you hurt me so much since the beginning? 

After so many people died

 I can't shake the fact that we're all about to die anytime soon. I'm really afraid of this all the time now. 

 If you are okay as you are, why would you ever want to come back to me in any way?

(it should be because deep inside you only feel better when I am with you and you can't live without me)

I should dare

 I should dare to dream that you would forgive me one day and miss me and talk with me again. But I don't. 

I should dare to dream that you would love me above all and I that you wouldn't want anyone else but me as your beloved eternally. 

I should dare to dream about you. Should I? Can I? 

I should dare to face the memory of you, of your face, of your hair, of your nose, of your lips, of your smile, of your eyes, of your body standing tall. I wish.