A love that's the root

 What is a love that cannot be

And has no measure at all

That makes everyone see

But doesn't know it did fall? 

In a passion so mighty deep

In a craziness that loops

You cannot stop and sleep 

Because it's got aggressive roots

True Love Will Find You In The End

 Some people really got a hold on me back in some times. And I used to feel I had a bond with them, like they were part of me in such a way that it felt unbreakable. 

Nowadays it's all gone distant and cold. No more blood, tears, or heart of gold. 

"True love will find you in the end", but you'll run away again. Because it's not love. Never was from them, anyway, just plain old lust for a temporary time. 

It's been 12 years since I stopped believing and realised how it all functioned, also in its mechanics of chemicals. For the chemicals between lie in some bed...

But never again have I faulted my own conclusion. Though I found again love in a much more cosmic vague way, just an unclosed, immaterial, kind of feeling: a love bigger than love itself, or just commonly known as my limerence cases of D.G.P. It's a kind of motherly undying love but with blazing strength of a sun. 

Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare

 Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments; love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come.

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom:

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

What I haven't seen about the Epstein files

 What I haven't seen about the Epstein files 

Were the lynching of the royals implicated

Since the UK to all up on Norway 

And no one protesting massively 

In Portugal or Brazil 

For the mentioned children traffic sources

And even the thousands of families guilty 

Of neglecting, of selling, of permitting 

Mostly for disgusting money reasons 

And surely didn't see billionaires jailed

For no rage, unsubmissiveness or war

People have manifested towards those

Who relentless kill everyone in the world 

 Nothing really made an actual difference, anyway. Humanity still has always been rotten and will always be. The rest is just wishful thinking of dreamers like me, thinking of Tomorrowlands and Megalopolis of some sort. 

 Yeah, but it's not for you exactly, is it? And that's what gets you. And me. The fact that we've always been aware somewhat of the inexistence, the illusion of reality, because we're that cynical and no amount of faith was enough to stick and surpass our pragmatic sense. 

Bang and blame

 If I could go back I would and I would immediately step away, run, far, nowhere to be found or to risk the chance of getting entangled by everyone all over again. I wouldn't know of you all existing and that would be a shame, but a blessing for all of us who suffered. 

There's no medium way back in an extreme time like those days. No one really cared or was brave enough to face it all afterwards. No one processed it all. I hope it doesn't cost us all later in the day. At least not for me even more, since I've done nothing but processed it, facing it in every way it came about. I didn't run from the blame as I didn't run before at the bang. 

 I can still recognise your voice out of nowhere. 💔❤️

I'm a fool to want you - Frank Sinatra

 I'm a fool to want you

I'm a fool to want you
To want a love that can't be true
A love that's there for others too

I'm a fool to hold you
Such a fool to hold you
To seek a kiss not mine alone
To share a kiss the devil has known

Time and time again I said I'd leave you
Time and time again I went away
But then would come the time when I would need you
And once again these words I had to say

I'm a fool to want you
Pitty me I need you
I know it's wrong it must be wrong
But right or wrong I can't get along
Without you

Time and time again I said I'd leave you
Time and time again I went away
But then would come the time when I would need you
And once again these words I'd have to say

Take me back I love you
Pitty me I need you
I know it's wrong it must be wrong
But right or wrong I can't get along
Without you

(playing on the radio now. one of the ultimate heartbreak songs {I imagine it was from the Ava Gardner era too} 💔)

The halogen street lights

 I'm joining Daniel Knox 

In a kind of manifesto 

For the continuation 

Of the streets lights 

Of halogen 

I was supposed to do a poem 

But this is not

It's like a prayer now

 Please rid the world of perverted people 

Make them all go far away for good

They can just screw themselves over

And leave the rest of us be at ease

Because we really need all this to end

You

 You're evil, you're smug, snobbish; thinking that you are better than everyone else. All the rest is just a masquerade that you were forced into, first by others, afterwards by yourself. Because god forbid that you're yourself truly, god forbid that you disappoint everyone and no one likes you anymore or wants anything to do with you. You only use people. God forbid that you stop playing your part, your role, the only thing you know how to. God, what the fck are you and have been all these years? What a fckng psychopath that can't stop even for a minute to think of the hideous things you've done and thought, because you would have to off yourself. You're a pathetic creature. Your perversions will have an end. 

 Getting to know a person is overrated; people give signs of who they are. 

I wish I had known you

 To truly know you, would it be so different 

from everything I thought I knew?

Surely, as I have after discovered it too.

But I wish I had truly known you 

In details as apparently useless as:

in what tooth you pass your tongue 

in what language do you pass your tooth

isn't it funny that I never knew 

unless for what you said on a view:

how you might want a kid

and how you love falafel (I like kofta)

and how you would never move

because you love your family 

and your friends and life there

and nowhere else you'll find that 

and how you prefer stronger women 

and shorter haired and waxed

(I'm neither of that)

thankfully this is not a love poem

the first since I decided to stop them

But you're the one who 

On the contrary to all others 

Knows my decisions are not to be trusted

(And you're still a ghost always present)

Dear reader (if there's any)

 Dear reader, 

from now on I think I will refrain from writing stupid little love poems. I've written too many already. They're all here around for you to see. I know people like to see stuff about love, but frankly I am quite tired of it all. 

So, if there are people that actually read them here (or from my Portuguese blog where there are thousands) you can always tell me and if you actually like them (or think you would like me to continue writing for you this type of things here) I can eventually rethink my position. 😄

Yours, always truly,

S. 

He's my man, yes.

 I know who my man is. I guess I must have always known deep inside, that's why I struggled so painfully and took those two years to admit it all. 😐

 Do you know how much have I always loved you? 

Yeah, you're right, it doesn't matter. After all, it's only important when one cares to know. But if there is even just a tiny part of you who cares to know, you should know it has always been truly love without measure. "Yeah, it's true, I was made for you", as the story said. 

 I'd give everything to have you back. But I don't have anything, do I?

 I chose to live in consonant with what I feel.

Looking back, I can genuinely say that all the mistakes I made were fruit of not having had the opportunity to think thoroughly about things before. 

Given that everything I did was just with what I knew then, I can't blame myself for the actual decisions in which I was mainly the carrier. 

Having always been a firm apologist of responsibility and accountability for people's actions and decisions, I have realised in time that what is conscious should be treated accordingly and what mostly isn't should be as well. Each to each. As things are. 

Checklist of letting go

 I have let go of all of them from the past, but still having deep and wide feelings that probably won't ever entirely go away, for my limerence cases, my triad of D, G, P, despite everything. 

I'm on a good track of healing (after the last years closing the therapeutic processes), in fact was deemed a bit of time ago that I didn't have anything more to heal about all that. I even celebrated with a nice meal (and a dessert, for a change, as it had no dairy), just to mark it. 

evolution passion fruit tart

To say it short: pandemic was ruthless on me, I was on hyper adrenaline that I couldn't control and its consequences were awful. I became aware of it all, did the possible apologies to whom I pestered and also to myself and tried to make a mended way to carry on (psychologically and physically, but on a metaphysical level too). Still threading the path as I can, day by day, but with healed mind and clarity of peace in what went up in the past, and it's all pretty gone now. I am alone, without anyone who loves me and living in a hell house as always, but I am filled with a love and peace as a grace I've developed inside of me, acknowledging and accepting, for all that I am and been. I am as I should, even though I am still sick with ITP and Addison and all that. 

(I've let go of any attempt to manage or predict what happens. it's just that final stage of acceptance, a kind of resignation of "it is what it is")

 And all I ever wanted from you was to know if you too loved me so, beyond time and space, a love without measure. 

They aren't my family (D,G,P,and their families) after all

 It was never meant to be. I don't fit. I never did. 

They're all so healthy or so screwed up, all those perfect families, but I'm always adverse. 

Where was my family? Why didn't it feel ever like mine? (I thought me and RH had it but i was always left aside/behind) Maybe only with my soul brother but not with any other guys. No, it's not true, there was B. (with whom I fell in love with too decades ago) family there so far, they could've been mine because they already felt like that then. 

Life is sad and one just carries on... (alone but aware)

Nothing that fades was meant to be held forever. (what will never fade will be held🤞🏽🙌🏽❤️)

Impossible duets I wished to see

 Bob Marley and Amy Winehouse 

Nina Simone and Otis Redding 

Eddie Vedder and Kurts Cobain 

Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley 

Robin Williams and Jim Carey 

Heath Ledger and Keanu Reeves

 I'm still a sucker for your little details...

(like the little tip of the noise, like I associated and recognised in Fred too 😢)

 Why did I have to ruin what we had? I'm sorry. I don't know if you would still love me and talk to me if I didn't ruined it all, but even so I am so sorry for all the damage that I've done. It was so painful and confusing and disturbing. I'm glad we're rid of that all. 

 Wishing there would be a miscegenation movement to counteract and end once and for all the ridiculous disgusting illusory chains of eugenics kinds.

The world is run by sadistic men

 I'm beginning to see how there's no salvation moments or completely transformative, not even world wars, nuclear bombs, genocidal episodes, earthshattering revelations.Everyone's just a hamster on the wheel, a puppet for the puppeteers. There's no willpower of the people that can be avenged as the world's puppeteers also engineer and allow what was supposedly the puppets wills. 

Wildflower

 Wildflowers don't get to be planted 

They just insist in sprouting somewhere 

Even against all odds and being invisible 

To everyone who passes and threads on

 One cannot notice things that one does not know that exist. But you can notice differences in what you knew and strange them. And when you're mind tries to explain them it can eventually discover the new things 

True Love will find you in the end - Daniel Johnston

 True love will find you in the end

You'll find out just who was your friend

Don't be sad, I know you will

But don't give up until

True love will find you in the end

This is a promise with a catch

Only if you're looking can it find you

'Cause true love is searching too

But how can it recognize you

If you don't step out into the light, the light

Don't be sad I know you will

Don't give up until

True love will find you in the end

That's reality for you

 true love lets everyone go for them to be happier without my hurdles 

even if you're left all alone and in danger

you got to be strong for your own self

no one is coming to rescue you 

 we touched each others pain

we touched each others loneliness 

and then we died in a cruel game