I miss those few moments when we were just pure love. Do you remember? 

 Nothing burns like the fire in our souls

Drop dead

Incinerated

Nothing burns like the fire in our souls

Confessions of no longer a teen

 So, she came home yet another time drunk and aggressive as every week and this time I got myself thinking: I'm no longer that absolutely on her own teen that goes in terror to hide in the room (besides having to save her younger siblings from seeing it all), no, I'm still on my own (physically even more now), I got in my heart my uncle Chico Viola (in my mind reminding his "you're with the spirituality"); sweet G. that wanted to come to surprise me meeting me and saying nice things, immediately "falling for me" at first sight" and loving me as I am too; P. that hated me and treated me so harshly but it was all for me to be better and it makes me think that for a second there he actually cared for my wellbeing; of course mams Lis with all her unconditional love and plus the gift she sent me and I can wear to feel her even closer with me; Ivi who saved me from dying with addison crisis the other time I couldn't breathe; D. with whom I haven't spoken in more than a year but still carry every second in my heart; and M. who is a good friend too and wished I was free to fly and be with them. I'm so thankful for them all who love me and that I love so much, makes me feel less alone in this world and everyday suffer, though they're all so far away. 

Perfect

 I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're perfect?

(my sea, always and forever, us, it will always be)

Lost

 I'm not just a little bit lost, I am completely fucking lost. The only thing I am sure of is that you are in me all the time, all around, every time. And I miss you. I miss being with you, like I never was, I miss you so much and you're all I want, you're all I need, your arms, my love, you loving me forever and I would be finally safe. I'm in love with you and I can't get through. If you feel me too, please come back to me, talk to me so we can be near always. You are me out of me and I need you most of all, my darling, because otherwise I can't exist. 

Admiration

 I admire people that face themselves. The ones who face their monsters and live to see the other day. I admire people who do the work to get better for themselves and others, even when it's hard. I admire the people who change, who are more aware of their unimportance and also acknowledge their qualities that can make the world a better place.

I admire the people who are gentle after still having to deal with their worst nightmares and lived through wars. I admire the survivors and their strength to carry on, plus being generous. I admire the freedom fighters and the peace makers. I admire people who are truthful and honest and fight for due rights and against injustice. 
I admire the people who live their lives in a philosophy of a peaceful existence of dolce vita and in everyday shabbos, pause, attention and appreciation for the little things and not much value for money. I admire the people who adapt to whatever life throws at them and get by in a stress-free day-to-day, comfortable in their skins and chilling. A bit much like The Dude :)) <3 

 It's sad to realise: there's absolutely no one .

But we were lucky to found each other for the time we did. 

 Everybody seeks something that will make them feel alive. And thus we relinquish our own power of self-sufficiency. We are phoetus that were cut off by the umbilical chord to the only connection that we had and made us. No wonder everyone feels disconnected somehow.

I love you

 I've been loving you beyond anything I've ever experienced. But you do not love me. You never did and told me I was a nuisance from the beginning and that you didn't want to talk to me. I didn't know that I fell so hard in love with you. So very deeply that I couldn't even admit it to myself. 

I fought against that so much that I went full on kamikaze mode. I never did it like that before. I didn't even know completely what I was doing. It was a crazy, mind bobble passion. If I only knew that you never loved me too and that you didn't even care if I was dead or alive, I would never even exchanged any conversation with you. I hated what I became influenced by almost all of your friends. I learned to never listen to others, especially when they're only gossiping about people. I was so secluded before, not even talking daily to three people on a monthly average for 5 years at least. That's why I was completely off-character and just adapting my speech and behaviour to people as they were appearing. 

I wish you could at least give me a chance to be in your life somehow, because I would really like to have you in mine.

(this last paragraph is the complex shit. again, words are shit, one can't say a millimeter of what wants just with words)

 I always wonder which (if) song you'll sing to remember me.. ;(

 stay with love, will you? it's important. wishing for the fairy tale ❤️ never play with someone's feelings. I'm here because of me, no one else is the culprit for me having survived all the violence.

Face the music

 Facts are:

he never liked me

he never loved me

he treated me badly 

he ignored me

he despised me

he mocked me 

he made fun of me with his friends 

he hated me

he ghosted me 

he gaslighted me

he used me

he didn't defend me

he didn't answer me 

he didn't consider me

he didn't care for me 

Losers

 So when you were down I had to put up with everything and suffer with you and then when you got better you abandoned me, just like everyone who uses me and ditches me. Congratulations, you are the best, no doubt.

 Losing hurtful people is a gain.

 I wake up and I can't see you and that makes me miss you even more.

 yes, Harris, as I inquired you but I didn't say, I do believe in a few absolutes: truth, love, justice, peace. 

 I'm sorry I tried to kill us since the beginning, I was too scared of being trapped, though I still am entirely ours.

 I'll probably never think that I deserve you.

Home

 I wish I had a home

Where I could feel loved

And safe

And where I could sleep 

And bathe

And eat 

With the basic conditions 

I wish that when Xmas

Would come

I could also be

In your loving arms

I think that's how 

A Home should be

 If you ever realise that you can't love anyone else more than you have loved me, come to me, it's okay, it's alright.

2018 on insta, escher birds drawing inspired

 - You have made me see how old I am 

and how much blood I've lost to you

and all the dreams that never got wings.

You made me remember every departure,

everytime goodbye was felt

and each time everyone flew away

never to return with the olive branch 

that proves there's land ahead to go.

You have been known to me since birth

and I know you're only here to my demise. 

1999 ; 2013 ; 2021

 Three times 

I felt my heart die

Breaking inside

To shatter me whole

Three men 

Children of the star

I only knew it late

The story is untold 

Three loves

I thought they were 

For the rest of my life

Now only pain subsides

 Why do we have so much sorrow? Why aren't we glad for our glory? Because it all ends. Nothing is possible to be truly mend.

 I send ppl away cuz they're better off without me that can't do much of anything of this world. yep. :/

My love

 Did I make you an irreparable hurt, my love?

Will you ever find enough solace 

To take away the pain

Will you find in you the understanding 

And greater love under all the wreckage

That I made?

Truth be said, my heart, my lovely,

I have walked belly flat on the concrete

Dragging everyday my guilt and sorrow

Will you still love me ever tomorrow?

Fear, Failure, Anxiety

 We're anxious and afraid only because we have our failed experiences in our memories, but if we remember all the good we did and bad that we overcame, imagine it all going well, we can compound the positive memories and counteract the fear and all. 

Guilt, hate, love

 we'll never forgive 4 all the pain and worse I did for no love to remain. it was better this way 4u 2be happy

we hate it each other and yet you're the one I love above everything.

"you're all I want"

 You should know I let him kiss me 

One kiss was all it took to haunt me

To increase my guilt towards you

For the first time I've let someone 

After ten years shunning everyone 

Kiss me

And yet it didn't cure me of you

help

 +3years in love with a person I never met personally and who doesn't love me, that's how crazy my brain became. :((

I'm so sorry

 I'm so sorry for what I did to you. So sorry. No one can't even imagine how sorry I am, everyday, every single second of my existence. 

Look yourself on the mirror

 You should always look on the mirror and see, that the world you live in and everyone you point out to be the culprits of wars and destruction, are nothing but just like yourself: you that can't forgive, that wish for others to have bad things happening to them because you think it's justice, you that complain about the weather and climate changes but wouldn't ever stop driving your car. You are not as big and powerful as you think you are and you're never better than anyone. You are a product of violence, bred and fed with all kinds of bad things, unless you turn yourself into an entirely different person, all made of love and light in all your pores.

 When I really admitted my shadows, I could finally become light. I hope one of you can too. And that would make a better world already, for sure. 

A great life

 You won't be able to say I had a great life. I was battered and bruised since a very young age and throughout my life, more or less physically and psychologically.. I didn't get to do so much of what I wanted, so many dreams I had and couldn't realize. I got sick really badly at a very early time in life and then couldn't have any more conditions to do anything that I really wished for. 

So you won't be able to say I had a great life. It was kind of intense in terms of shitty things all the times and lacking on really good complete moments, but I made myself as if I felt content many times. I guess everyone forces themselves on something, so in my case it's making believe that I had few really good moments in this world. 

I envied David Gandy, Phillipe LeBlonde and Fiumani for their lives many times, but only them I guess, probably because they were  men (quite handsome) who could do what they wanted in this life. For many times that I used to see some moment of their lifes, I thought "what a great life!", that it was a great way of living. 

 deep inside just a silly jolly child

Hardest path myth

 Easy is right. Don't ever take the hardest path again. Follow your first intuition and go with the flow, more and more don't worry. 

Void/Whole

 And though I feel that lately I have emptied myself, I feel more whole than ever. 

Why would you stop a beam of light?

 Lene Vestergaard Hau was the first to stop completely a ray of light, in 2001. She condensed it and transformed it into matter and then into light again on another spot next. 

Why would you transform it into matter? Why did I do everything I did? 

WTF UNIVERSE??

 So it's estimated that our universe is 13.7 billion years old and comprises about 2 trillion galaxies. SO WHY THE FUCK DID I HAD TO EXIST LIKE THIS AND HAVE EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?????

 I really don't know why I'm still alive.

(though I wanted to be with him. I thought that now that I had the confirmation of my true great grandmother being who she was, I would probably die but then again it's been few days only. me and my intrusive thoughts.)

 emptying the wreckage, carrying the light amidst darkness and seeking more gentleness in me

 I don't ask for love, I search for signs of it everywhere ❤️

  I wish someone will say something like "borini" (I would rather die than see you buried) to me one day, again. 

You always, my beloved sea

 It will always be you. 

In every word

In every song

In everything I do

There's only you

Dreams

 Dreams are just illusions we grab on to so we can have hope. But when they're nightmares it's like you got on your neck a tight rope.

Galaxies

 When two galaxies merge their planets and stars eventually crash. 

 Me when I starting seeing that I might get interested in someone: please, god, don't let me ever fall in love again!!!

Guys

 Funny how most guys just wish they were badass motherfuckers and so they watch series and stuff they portray such characters, though they themselves are just little sheep in real life. 

 "God takes care of drunks and fools", so as I'm a romantic fool I'm taken care of.

 13 years for AGI (artificial general intelligence) 💡💥

Crazy about you

 I am crazy about you, I was, I am and I guess I will always be. I try not to see your face anymore, but I crave to see it and when I do I hope somehow I get to have a feeling that we're still each others.

to post on 26th August

 soon it'll be my first birthday without you being alive my uncles, I'm still mourning your departure all these months. you two were my friends and you both coincidentally said, worrying about me, that they have been spoiling my whole life and wondered what was to become of me when I'm older. you always told me I was strong and not to lose hope of getting better one day. since I was a pre-teen I started to wanting to die and you saw why. truth is no one ever did anything to help me save myself from getting even more damaged and sicker. they say it takes a village to raise a child. I wasn't raised, so almost everyday I wish I was never born and that the village had never existed. but you two loved me and I loved you, and we used to phone each other at home and you used to tell me stuff you didn't talk to anyone else. and that was enough for me. I'm sorry your grandchildren can't play with you anymore, I wish I had died instead of you. and today, the same day that my first big love was born, it was your birthday too uncle, and for that reason this day used to not be as sad before. I love you, uncles, and I really been missing you for so long now with this bigger ache for not having been able to have more of your presence for the last years. I'm so sorry that you're gone. But I know that in my case everything will be better when I'm finally gone. And then you two will finally be happy for me too ❤️

(on insta)

#reels #repost #anniversary #rip #missing #macbeth #shakespeare #poet #poetry #mourning #darknessunfolds 

 I hope everyone gets really happy when I die, because I will finally be free from this wretched life!

I miss every detail about you

 I miss your thin blue stripes shirt and the one with the roses, of course, and I miss your coat, and I miss the wrinkles on your nose when you smile and your dimples and your suspicious eyes when you disguise. 

I even miss your ready-made phrases, almost even hearing the more annoying ones too, and when you talk with your so affected rich metropolitan accent. I rather hear when you speak with your countryside one. Most of all I miss your curls, your eyes and when your lips are reddish. Not to speak of your chant and your nice beautiful kind emotions.

The End - November Ultra

 Where should I go?
'Cause I've been everywhere
But I belong nowhere
But in your arms
Give me a sign
My darlin', let me know
If I should let you go
Or if I should fight
There's a place inside my mind
Where you and I can dance
Endlessly you hold on to me
And for the first time in a long time
I'm, I am whole

 10 years of absolute celibacy taught me I need someone to not let me go even when I let go of him.

 Of course I would like someone to choose me as more unique and special than anyone they ever mer, and holding me telling me that can't live and don't want to live without me anymore. But that would only work if I truly belonged to that person, knowing him entirely and trusting him to be honest and truthful and loyal always.

it's his heart that I created

 His heart is an ocean 

though he is the sea

my mind is always in motion 

thinking of him and me

but he is so far away 

he doesn't remember me

he despises me anyway 

so my hope is leaving me

Mistakes

 "Mistakes don't define you, they refine you", that's nice to have read and yes, I have learned a lot.

My life has been

 I've suffered everyday of my life because of the violence people did to me and I couldn't have the conditions necessary to be free of all that and live a happy life doing what I wanted.

I sacrificed my life for what I thought was necessary, causes greater than me, because I didn't come to life willingly so I just made everything according to the noblest principles I could.

The fundamental goals in life

 .. should be: 

love your body, mind and soul absolutely and take care of them

not let your mistakes or aches paralyze you; process and learn better about the root of them and to not have them again

achieve conditions for being free, loved and joyful with a stress-free life, utmost balanced 

I guess I died too many times

 I guess I died too many times 

for you to notice 

and everytime I survived 

I never showed this

You told "but you're always dying"

as it didn't matter at all to you

and I got shocked, quit trying 

to make you hold me

I don't want you in my life 

You were never paradise

You were just one of the worsts 

I've encountered along the course

But now I'm through 

I've done my due

You're not worth it 

I told you and I made it go away

 I told you that I loved you when I didn't know how much I loved you and didn't even think of how I would feel awful if I lost you. 

I then I made it worse as told you I was in love with you. 

And all that just to make you go away and set you free from me. 

It's indeed as Chaplin said and it's all looking quite ridiculous now.

 When you can think of the people you most loved and that abandoned you, without feeling hurt or sad or having a will to cry, you'll be cured from all those mf. 👌🏾👌🏾

now i know whom I belong to

 I belong to myself.

 I MISS YOU SO FCKNG MUCH, AGAIN :|

 I don't love anyone anymore 

it's been a long time since

because there's no one

that could ever fit

when I went kamikaze on us

 I made it in a way that you wouldn't be able to miss me, think of me, or even think of forgiving me and coming back. I made it in a way that the hurt and the turmoil was so unbearable that you wouldn't be able to forget the pain and disturbance more than you would be able to remember the love. But thus did I destroy the love absolutely? Not on my end, as I still feel it everyday with the same feeling of immensity. 

 I live in hell and you're my paradise that I long for everyday and everynight.

 would you really take care of me if I'd let you, my love?

I could really let myself go now. I need you. I'm sorry I never admitted it fully. I thought needing someone wasn't love. but it's not only needing, it's mostly being completely and madly in love with you, loving you and wanting you near all the time. 

I'm sick in bed right now. I wish you would return to me and tell me you want to take me with you to never part again. 

You're everything I want. You're everything I need. 

Breakfast at Tiffany's

  I haven't seen you in so long, or so it seems to me. 

I finally saw Breakfast at Tiffany's again, after all these years. It was an outdoor movie session and before there was a duo singing some iconic songs. I couldn't resist recording them playing Moonriver of course. I couldn't resist recording it when the scene was on too. Audrey immaculate. 🥺❤️

I wonder if you would commit a minor theft with me, like that scene where they robbed the masks, so free and playful. Or, I wondered, if you'd be a blunt coward like that José Silva Pereira character. You know how I don't like spineless men. And you know how I love you. Well, you think it isn't love but a disease, right? Yes, I was indeed turned into a crazy person when my brain fell in love with you, a whirlwind of passion never before seen. 

I wonder if you're getting married soon. Or even if you have had a child. A big part of me wished that all this wasn't true and that you were marrying me instead just like in her dream. 😄 It was all so crazy, wasn't it? I'm sorry that I made it even more crazy now. I don't even know if you know anything. 

For a wild thing like me, a jailed little animal, that never could be owned or belonged to anyone, I know I fell on you all's trap. My heart belongs to you all and my mind is always with you. 

That ending scene always gets me, hard in every way. I've been lost all my life. I couldn't trust in anyone to take me finally home. But I feel you all are my home. And I'll always be homeless without you. Now I know to whom I belong.

 From the hollowness of my soul

to the bound of my mind 

I will love you 

beyond the end of time.

(written on insta with sky and clouds pic on 2017)

Memory

 Will we ever forget how bad we felt, how painful and troubled it was for us? Will we ever just remember the good things?

 Can't we just be friends again?

Sonnet: Paths to Nowhere

 Shadows of who they used to be,

painted on the walls of the paths

that they didn't take or see

when there were no maps.

//

One of these days they'll be gone,

everything will come to an end,

there will be no green lawn,

no more gifts and kisses to send

//

And then where you may go

There won't be any directions 

As the void has no selections 

//

So any path you take to show

that you do it because you dare 

It won't really lead you anywhere.

(9th July 2017)

So sorry.

 I wish I could have loved you truly and not only because of all the dire circumstances. I'm sorry. And for all the hurt. I really wish I had never come into this life, into this world, where everything is so wrong and I can't seem to make anything right. 

Love

 Do you still believe in a love that lasts forever? "Yes", I remember you answering this question, talking about family love and how love is a construction and before you said you didn't believe in soulmates that would be people who are perfect for each other in every detail, physically and mentally. 

You believed in ours? Ever? Because it was an abstract thing? Yes, me too. Not being something materialized but only remaining in the realms of feelings and ideas. 

Are we all just a thought away from each other? How does everyone know when you're thinking of that someone if no one tells it anymore? 

I realised, hearing a psychologist, that my limitative beliefs make me stuck on my spiral of fear, anxiety, guilty, all because of my fear of commitment, the vulnerability and fear of the physical symptoms that I get from my blood and hormones illnesses, plus all the layers of relationships with their emotional responsibilities.

Just love isn't enough for men, as they always seem to have to act on it and me appearing frail they always inflate their egos with the hero complex.

So, once again we reach to all the same conclusions about love being only a mix of chemical, physical and pre-programmed conditioning of ours. Nothing new to see here. 

(and, of course, I'm still hung up on you)

Promise me - Beverly Craven

You light up another cigarette
and I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light
now I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night

You look like you're in another world
but I can read your mind
how can you be so far away
lying by my side
when I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon

When I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home
Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon.

 No one is ready for what is coming.

I know now...

 ... that you two aren't coming back to me. And that's okay. Because the moments of our biggest love for each other were then and probably couldn't ever be the least  replicated. 

I'll keep on loving you, my girl and my boy, in a sleepy kind of way, where the love is dormant and resigned when I see at night that the sky is damp reddish, and briefly and lightly kissed when I look high at the sky. 

It was a beautiful, immense love for much time, ours.

I've been loving you for so long

 I've been loving you for so long and it seems that time hasn't been gone at all, years and years, all this omnipresent urgency feeling you, embracing you, having you completely inside me as part of every cell in my frail body. 

I could never hang on in our encounter, could I? I would die at the exact moment that my eyes would see you come in my direction. You're everything to me, more than life and death itself, you're time and existence and all there is and will ever be. 

Nothing can be without you and if I have let myself go it was probably because of the love I always felt for you and the impossibity of having you. So I caved surprisingly to a similar amount of affection that was near to me and you, as if somehow all the love I have been feeling for you three all these years could be expressed and materialized for some instants. 

Again I fought it all, but let myself go on the last moment, in a sudden way just to get it through. And though I survived the moment, I feel it was a defeat, most of it. You were right when once you said that that's life when people meet and then they will even miss people more. I had been loving and missing you three for so long that I even had to do a kind of "detox" and now I am just used to miss you and to hurt.

You see, you all got so many people that are priorities to you and that you love and miss much more than you can love or miss me. Well, and you especifically hate me, so, you don't count in this example. 

Anyway, I love you and I miss like always, since always, there's nothing more I can do but continue to admit this and that I am just this fool that did everything wrong. 

Misandry

 thanks for fcking my head even more than it was already. that's why I don't like men. or myself for letting myself fall in their traps. 

 some people are just trying to be an idol, me instead am just always idle 😅

Completely shattered

 The fact that I can't see you and talk to you kills me. All I wanted was for you to come back. 

unrequited

 have you got people who love you? do they tell you and show it too? good for you. 

I'm still in love with someone who doesn't love me.

 I've got principles, therefore I have no means.

another huge regret

 against what I should've done while being a battered, tortured, unloved teen, I didn't smoke, drink or do drugs and now I am kind of regretting, since I am still with the same hell of a life or worse and my parents never loved me enough to care for me anyway.

Don't mistake

Strength is not aggressiveness 

Kindness is not submission 

Love is not a transaction 

Peace is not silence 

And concepts are no rules

You and her

 I can't move on from you two. I can't let go of missing you. Sometimes I crave to see your face again so much that I go back on my detox treatment from you two and I see your faces again. Though I remember the image of your faces, I crave to see it as you are now, just to feel a little bit more connected with you. You two are still my drug in reminiscing about us, of what never will be, of what as always was, of who we are deep inside. Fck, I miss you my boy and my girl. You never wanted me. I want you still and always so badly. Just need to be near you. I need you near me and with me all the time. You see, I can't live without you two. I have no good reason to carry on, but this illusion that one day you two will come back to me, to tell that you missed me every day too. 

The deal

 You go on having a beautiful life and I will just see once in a while that you are okay. That was the deal. 

I do miss you everyday, though. I still wonder if you are happy, if she is the love of your life and if you ever remember me and if you do is it with bad feelings?

I still hope one day it won't be.

 I really miss forests 

More than anything now 

The pure air and the birds 

The gentle whispers 

The small inhabitants 

All around so much life

The luck of fungi 

And dried leaves 

To hear their crackling 

Among hugs

And holding hands 

Looking up 

And seeing the trees 

With their tall branches 

 And an universe of leaves

Swaying in the breeze

(written on 18th May 2024, with "wind" instead of "breeze") 

fucking hell

 yeah, I know it's stupid to go back to idiotic questions, all in vain, but why the hell this had to happen? I mean, c'mon, I am old, sick and we were always bickering with each other, until he hated me and couldn't stand me anymore and blocked me, so why the heck this all had to happen? what was all that love and my love that never ends? I mean, I had nothing but pain here and then I had a little glimpse of something like love and then I was left to die again. So why the hell this doesn't end in me? I don't want or need any of this increasing shit in my already fucked up life.

help, I need somebody to help me with this

 I've been in love with the same person and only this person for more than three years. Sometimes I think I will never fall completely and absolutely out of love with him because we never consumed it. I just wait everyday for this all to pass or that he comes back to me. Either way I it's an everyday suffering that sometimes makes me want to die just because I can't see no hope ahead. 

An always present absence

 Your abscense is always everywhere in everything my sight reaches. 

I miss you and yet you're always on my mind and like a kind of spirit wandering, floating beside me.

I crave your presence and yet you're always inside me, overflowing my heart with sorrow and hurt and my soul with tears. 

Please, my love, will you come tomorrow?

 without you i went crazy because I of everything that happened and me needing to force us to stray away. it's definitely the worst that has happened for the last two decades for me. 

Defiance

 You've defied me and my heart in a way that nobody else did. You've angered me and destroyed my peace. I couldn't bare your cruelty and your game. I fell in love with you and got ashamed and you humiliated me yoo. I know I was not the only one to blame, but I know I am the only one who feels a monumental guilt. 

To know you're free and happy is all I wanted but I know that I will always love you so. You didn't defy me for you to be the love of my life and yet it happened with me thinking that it was the worse thing to happen to my already bruised heart.

 Realising I had fallen in love with you was one of the scariest things I ever felt. It was all so terrifying because of the enormity of the love I felt for you. Nothing had ever happened to me like that before.

Madness

 He drove her to the edge of madness, like he did to so many before her, with his carelessness and indifference.

 Knowing you exist has destroyed my life and made me have the most beautiful and heartbreaking dream about an impossible love.

 We weren't ready. The moments of certainty weren't absolutely solid to overcome the fear. But I hope that at least you felt it too.

I loved you more than anything in this fucking life

 and you denied me, said I was just a fanatic and compared me to a whore. You laughed at me and made jokes with your friends, you gaslighted me and then you ghosted me, blocked me and took the people I loved from me, And you never cared and just hated me and left me to die suffering all alone as always and without anything good to hold on to anymore. You took everything I had of joy and the period of most happiness just for being able to listen to you. Why did you hurt me so much since the beginning? 

After so many people died

 I can't shake the fact that we're all about to die anytime soon. I'm really afraid of this all the time now. 

 If you are okay as you are, why would you ever want to come back to me in any way?

(it should be because deep inside you only feel better when I am with you and you can't live without me)

I should dare

 I should dare to dream that you would forgive me one day and miss me and talk with me again. But I don't. 

I should dare to dream that you would love me above all and I that you wouldn't want anyone else but me as your beloved eternally. 

I should dare to dream about you. Should I? Can I? 

I should dare to face the memory of you, of your face, of your hair, of your nose, of your lips, of your smile, of your eyes, of your body standing tall. I wish. 

Why I never got married

 I've realised one of the main reasons why I didn't get married to any man was because I never found one completely reliable and trustworthy. 

 you were my only joy and you took it away 

the curse you had on you

 So maybe I broke the curse someone put on you and after me you could finally be happy and free. Yeah, in that case then I am happy for you.

Sadness is on me

 The sixth person in six months had died: a little baby. What a tragic time. Seems since the pandemic started, all over again so many deaths of familiar people and really family.

I don't know if it was your curse towards me or what the hell is going on, I'm just tired of all this for way too long. Is that what you wished for, my death by my own hands just because I can't handle all the awful things that happened and the fact that I lost you forever in every way? 

You shouldn't have to bother so hard to see it through, because I have been suffering everyday of my life already for being born of a violent, narcissistic, racist, bipolar, liar, drunken abuser of my mind and of my submissive dad in these decades of domestic violence. She alone should be reason enough for you not go through all the trouble of wishing me awful things and curse me for the suffering I caused you. You caused me so much suffering that I'm still completely torn and shredded. So good job you did along with your friends who might have helped you, congratulations, you are so powerful and untouchable as you have always been. I'm still just an empty, bruised, all alone and no conditions, isolated child. 

(irish title translated of how they say)

The love of my life

 And now that I am not obsessed with you and to know the truth about what you really felt for me, anymore, I have again to come to terms with the fact that I do love you and even if I one day manage to bury this indelible deep feeling, I know it's always there :/

The person

 Someone who sees the beauty in little things and is always present in the moment, aware of others and caring and admirable in every way. Someone who gets emotioned and is able to control themselves before saying or doing something bad towards someone. Someone who we can always count on and chooses us and wants to spend the whole life together, never jeopardising what we got. Someone who gives you peace, security and you feel relaxed with. Someone we're happy with and have fun with and share the lesser good times. Someone to live in a relationship and partnership and wholeness of respect and love.

The world is unfair..

 ... starting from the fact that Earth is called Earth when it's mainly composed of water.

Because of you

 Because of you, many women were completely destroyed in their minds and their sense of self worth. You made them doubt their own sanity, denying any relation with them, ghosting and gaslighting them. 

The confided in me with their troubles, went after me, trying to get some answer, some reason why you acted like you always did with them. My empathy was first with you, when I didn't know their version of the story and later on it was with them trying to save them from further torment, as I later on discovered by myself, what you are capable of. I don't think it's entirely your fault, as everyone in these matters, but you do seem to suffer from a very serious personality disorder, probably so insensitive as a borderline person, and you shouldn't be talking to any woman at all. Because of you, one of the young girls was really not well and the other got so sick she had to go to psychiatry. And me? I think you done me more harm than you ever did to anyone else, but with all that I learned a lot and I will never be gullible again. So thank you for the lessons and I am sorry that I loved you and them, caring so much for everyone to be okay. I'm glad you all are better now and I hope no one ever goes through something even a bit close to what we all been through. 

Not a bad person, right?

 Okay, so I am not a bad person at all, I just made a really bad mistake when it came to you all, because circumstances hurt me so bad and drove me mad. 

Never going to interact with the same kind of people who have so much avoidance problems that make ghosting and gaslighting their natural activities and are so insensitive, plus made my anxious and attached personality come up so bad. Glad I'm not that person anymore and I don't give a damn to anyone's manipulative attempts of making me try to help with everything they need. 

Everyone is a just a copycat

 - I guess one of the biggest artistic disappointments I had, was when I realised everyone was just a copy of their references, having been influenced by their cultural environment and all. It's a bit like if they read books and then just repeat everything they ever read. There's no original thought, no parting waters, no nothing. 

Okay, you might say that people chose it according their liking, but it happens that their likes are also influenced by whatever they consumed. So it's the snake eating its tail" with no shed of skin... Probably because most people don't think that much about everything, nor do they take time to do so, and that obviously results in not creating anything with the original thought per se. Because if the only thing close to possible freedom that there is, is freedom of thought, you can never be a so-called pioneer if you keep on just replicating or "trying to get inspiration" out of others. 

Anyway, I guess I still fight everyday somehow to make me and everything around a little bit better than the previous day, and realising again how pathetic we humans are, weighed again on the dismaying department 🤷🏾😒 (if only we were not conditioned to violence and lies and such, and instead unharmedly to the unabridged goodness)

[this text was written on Instagram with a reels sounding the voice of Krishnamurti talking about something related]

 The realisation of the fact that I will be completely alone and helpless in this world is heartbreaking. 

Pain

 you only think about your pain

and never in all the pain you caused

with your manly man game

unlike myself that thought of yours

and tried to save you from it

when you only made me insane 

Falling in love

 The rain fell in love with the earth

The earth fell in love with the sea

The rivers fell in love with their margins 

The bees fell in love with the flowers

The skies fell in love with the stars

The sun fell in love with the moon

The clouds fell in love with the rain 

Our Love

 Our love does not exist because of some kind of sickness or neediness, but because we recognised something in each other, like our experiences and heart and scars, and held our hands tight and stood together in silent and in pain and laughter and even insane maintaining a reason , being a guiding light amidst all the emptiness and pandemic darkness.

Our Love was hope when all hope was gone, and strength when all there was was tears, moreover it was joy when all laughter was silenced, and it was life when everyone was dying. 

 When you put everything into a page it will always hurt someone.

A simple kind of life

 Learn the joy of an common life and you'll never be bored.

it's one of the worst things

 to feel like you have ruined your only chance in life and you have to keep living knowing that time doesn't go back.

 I like people who get excited seeing the wonders of nature. I wish I would meet more people like that.

How could you?

 How could you do me so much harm, hurt me so much on purpose, and never love me and care for me, as I always did for you? How can you not see the damage you made to all of us who loved you and cared for you? 

Sometimes I excuse you saying to myself that you can't love, that you were made like that, but I know you loved others and cared for others. All the time I felt guilty and thinking that it was because of me, I was neglecting the fact that you made me suffer from the start by neglecting and ignoring me. The likes of you make people kill themselves thinking they're worthless, just because you didn't give your kindness and love to them and instead made them go ill and crazy. 

pandemic grief

 there used to be a silent ache that united us all. now it's what separates us all.

 Been really sad and really angry for way too long. I like when I can feel a little break from those feelings. Even if it means I am not feeling anything much. 

Maybe I'm refusing to believe

 Why did you sing those songs? Why did you sing that especial song? Maybe I refuse to believe that someone who sang that song in that way doesn't exist as beautiful and wonderful as I thought you could be. 

I wish we were ours to hold and to keep, I wish all our dreams were real and we could actually make a difference together again in this world. 

 Of course I am worried about you, I love you and wish you are well. That's all.

 to think that you and I could actually save the world...

it was the last chance 

and we messed it all up

 What you are is what you see; reach out and touch your reflection.

(this was what I wrote on Instagram when I posted a photo I had taken of a sunset and trees reflection on the window of a building)

To love them

 I have loved them more than life itself and yet they didn't love me or even wanted to know me. I was in such a mess that there wasn't much to know on the present except for all my love for them and what I was doing.

Even when I risked my life and sacrificed myself they didn't realise it, they didn't know, they never cared. 

And that's life, how everyone says, there's no justice or balance, or people aware of things and being good to each other. 

Everyone is conditioned

 - I guess one of the biggest artistic disappointments I had, was when I realised everyone was just a copy of their references, having been influenced by their cultural environment and all. It's a bit like if they read books and then just repeat everything they ever read. There's no original thought, no parting waters, no nothing. 

Okay, you might say that people chose it according their liking, but it happens that their likes are also influenced by whatever they consumed. So it's the snake eating its tail" with no shed of skin... Probably because most people don't think that much about everything, nor do they take time to do so, and that obviously results in not creating anything with the original thought per se. Because if the only thing close to possible freedom that there is, is freedom of thought, you can never be a so-called pioneer if you keep on just replicating or "trying to get inspiration" out of others. 

Anyway, I guess I still fight everyday somehow to make me and everything around a little bit better than the previous day, and realising again how pathetic we humans are, weighed again on the dismaying department 🤷🏾😒 (if only we were not conditioned to violence and lies and such, and instead unharmedly to the unabridged goodness)

[this txt was published on my Instagram] 

to space and beyond

 Beyond, break through and broken too I'm a fckng buzzlightyear-armstrong-interstellar badass mf🤟🏾

 It's all over now, nothing left. Empty. Drained. Broken heart and misery. Nothing good for me still. Just suffering as always. And hoping for a better day.

r.i.p. uncle R.

I know now

 I know now what is the allure, why it doesn't go away, why your name keeps coming to my head when I meant to think of other persons; it's because you knew how I felt all the time. And that's why, it seems, I can't get you totally out of me. Deep inside you're always there. I guess it makes sense, since I've always really wanted someone to know me truly in everything I felt, without even needing to say a word. 

Can it be possible that the neurotic empathy, turns out was felt both sides? That would again reinforce the same soul thing and the supposed connection.

You're

 you're my disease 

you're my damnation 

you're everything that was good

you're everything that I lost

you're the camp of my concentration 

you're my lack of judgement 

you're my every twist and toss

 Oh but it did start and it went awfully and ended, without even having a real chance of a true beginning.

To live and to die without you

 Doesn't it bother you to know we are all going to die? 

Yeah, but it bothers me even more to know we're alive and we never got to be together.

 Did you really not love me at all?

Artificial love

 I never wanted your artificial love 

I wanted more

A deep honest true faithful bond

That you're probably not even capable of

Abandonment

 I only abandon people after they have abandoned me, because I know they will do it again and I can't bare to go through it again nor do I have ever deserved such mistreatments.

Setting Sun - Pearl Jam

The cast was made to reset broken bones
But there's no such thing to fix a love gone wrong
Keep knocking the door 'cause I know someone's there
I wait on the porch hoping someday, I'll be let in
They say in the end everything will be okay
If it's not okay, well then, it ain't the end
Had dreams to you I would belong
Had the dream you would stay with me till kingdom come
Turns out forever has come and gone
Am I the only one hanging on?
Hand in hand, yeah, we took it on
You answered my prayers, now from my knees, I can't get up
Lost patience with time, yeah, hurry up your patience tonight
I'd like some of yours, in trade, can take all of mine
I dreamt to you I would belong
Held the dream you would stay with me till kingdom come
Turns out it was more like hit-and-run
Am I the only one hanging on?
Whoa, am I the only one hanging on?
If you could see what I see now
You'd find a way to stay somehow
Oh, if you could see, yeah, what I see now
You'd make your way to stay somehow
May your days be long till kingdom come
May our days be long before kingdom come
May our days be long until kingdom come
We can become one last setting Sun
Am I the only one hanging on?
We could become one last setting Sun
Or be the Sun at the break of dawn
Let us not fade
Let us not fade

In this life

 I feel that this life of mine, I'm only here to suffer as atonement for the previous life. Only pain and misery. Feels like I can't have anything more. 

You gave me life

 and then treated me so badly 

destroying me every time 

like if I was an enemy to kill

why?

I haven't had the will to live

because of you

all this time

All this time

 All this time, I've been wanting to forget you, to erase you from within me, because I feel that each time I am dooming me even more and all these bad things happening to my family feels like a continuation of you and all your friends bad energy towards me.

Please release me. I know that the person I love was only a little part of you. I've asked so many times to be free from all this, especially this illusion of certainty that we were true and that we were destined for time and time again. 

 "no coward soul is mine",

tell me my love, was it not each time our eyes met in the dark, risking the peril, the utmost delight, our glimpse of paradise? 

my mouth still hungers

for your promised last kiss 

each dawn that I wait

missing you like the rain

again

to ever caress my cheek 

the fields have grown tall

dancing in the wind

in tones of your green 

and I try to stay alive 

just to see the moon

one more time 

 I wish for something 

unnamed 

never spoken of

a kind of blizzard hurricane 

the interior of a volcano 

all the beauty of the seasons 

in extreme profoundness 

and a blank empty peace

The main reason I don't like people anymore

 it's not only because of the murderous, gross, disgusting and selfish beings that they are, but more specifically because one takes care of them, feeds them, cleans them, keeps them alive and safe, and then they shit on you, basically.

Love is a losing game

 Do you know any couple who hasn't one that bosses the other? I wish there was. I hate that pure love doesn't exist and it's all a game of power. I really thought true love existed. Turns out it never did.

 It just occurred to me that maybe all my friends are mostly psychologists and musicians because the first just want to study my craziness and the second just want to steal my poetry lololl

 I don't have to believe it, because if I really allow myself to think about I feel it, I know it, it's more present and palpable than anything (and that's why it's so overwhelming and I can't deal well with it all). 

How to react

 There's always an amount of choice on how you can react to pretty much everything, grab it, right on the first seconds and don't let it go.

unrepairable, is it?

 I try to look at the moon

but I didn't meet her these days

the sky has been red with the pain

my heart has been aching at the same

sometimes I think if it's still possible

for you to see me as I am

and still love me and return to me

even knowing that I'm still the same

with my absolutes and nothings

I think if you can ever forgive me

I think if you can ever forgive yourself

I think if you can come back to me

knowing that the only thing that matters

is the love we have

unrepairable, is it?

Too late

 People only realise what's important in life when their death arrives.

Take me to church

 If you depend in something to be a good person, then you're not a good person and you'll never become one.

 When you get to think about it, you just see as it's all a crazy fucking lunacy, everything there is, everything you did and everything you are.

Are you truly happy?

 You're trying to do what you like best and having fun while doing it. That's a formula to live day by day in society and you've invented quite a good life for yourself. You've managed to get some money too while doing what you love, working and having fun sometimes, even taking holidays with the wifey, visiting also the family, having some fun and relaxing as well. You got it all figured out. You found your passion for making your job and you made a party out of it. You got yourself a house and a car and you're even thinking of having kids one day. Aren't you so happy now? It's all I could've wished for you, a nice joyful life doing whatever you like. You deserve it, right? You made an effort to get it. You worked really hard to achieve it. And most importantly, you didn't step on anyone or left anyone behind, did you now? 

Yeah, I wished this last bit was true too. 

My Man

 I didn't ask you to sing that song, but you did it thinking I was going to be happy about it. I didn't understand that, I didn't know you cared for me and I didn't know I would develop strong feelings for you later on. You didn't sing the song I asked you afterwards when I paid for it. I really thought you never cared for me at all and it was just as she used to say that you guys only liked wben we were supporting you and after you wouldn't even care if we're still alive. 

The truth is that since I loved you and then fell in love with you, you were always my man, the one and only, and i couldn't think of no one else or want to be with anyone else but you. I don't think I will ever love again anyone, because I will always love you and miss you every second of my life. 

I'm sorry I have hurt you

 I'm really sorry for hurting you. If I could, I would have never come across you.

A bunch of self-interested people

 People aren't into love and care, they are only into their own interests and who can provide them. 

That's why I don't talk to people anymore. 

 We're all insane. But some of us know it and even so it doesn't make it better.

True Love

 ... never dies.

Some people

 Some people won't give up on you, no matter what you do and some give up on you at the first problem. 

 dressing is so out of fashion 

Life isn't easy

 I can't remember a time when life was easy. Not even when I was a baby. I got beaten so hard and was forbidden to do everything and got very sick sometimes too.

And as I grew up it still remained the same bloody shit. All because of the people who made me so bad and so wrong things, since congenital problems to acquired. So poor, so mistreated, so poorly nurtured in every way.

 we burned through fire itself

just to get to the other side

both of us, ashes at flight

that before were cinder

in disguise 

  'Just in case you ever foolishly forget; I'm never not thinking of you.' - Virginia Woolf

being sufficient

 no one gets to be sufficient for someone else, because they don't know what the other wants.

 seeing you smile makes me feel that you know that we'll get to be together in the end

it really seems I waited a lifetime to finally be with you.

desire clouded our souls 

and destroyed our love

 It's been some hard days on my mind, feeling like it's raining all the time, or about to explode with so much confusion in its abode.

In fact, it has been cold and rainy outside the window that I seldom open, I don't even know the scope of it being broken.
But through it all, on the background hidden, there's the glimpse of a small flame like from candle light and the warmth of a firebond, that whenever I risk to look better at it I feel it's like the incandescence of the sun burning through space itself.
If I'm ash, how can I burn; if I'm the blue-crow tattooed on my chest, how am I the phoenix?
I guess I'm just like the tired photograph of the night streetlights that we'll never see together.

(8th Feb 2021)

How could you leave me to die? 

 When you broke free of our karmic connection did you swear to nevermore? 

 I think about you when I'm not even thinking. 

Love/hate

 How idiotic it was : I didn't want you to hate me, but had to make you hate me so we would be rid of each other.

I still love you though, of course, hating myself for it. 

 Am I not worth fighting for?? 

 Unfortunately no one came up with a better solution than going away into nature to isolate oneself from the horrors of Men. 

 Truth is I could never love someone unconditionally, because I wouldn't love you if you killed someone, for example. So, if when I was 17 and I told otherwise to someone, I was lying, of course, unknowingly. 

Who can say?

 Maybe I will survive another year at least, who knows if I will? When I held her last it felt that I wouldn't see her again, that I wouldn't be here. And she felt something too, because she wallowed for second after that. I couldn't say it out loud. I still wanted to realise some dreams of mine, any if only one, please. I loved them so much, I hope they know it, at least, and may always feel it. Just thought now: I'm sorry to go but mostly I feel like I was long over due.

I still wanted us, for real, in all truth and sincerity, as transparent as clear water. 

Your whole life

 All that is left is your whole life. I think you know what I'm talking about. You should go ahead and do it. I would if I had the money and health to do it. You on the other side have it, so what's keeping you??

 I guess you always knew I didn't like you that much. I mean, how could I? You're quite an awful person. How much hurt you caused to so many... 

 I want "a misfit with a gentleman's soul" .  Decent guys are rare. There are no more Paul Newmans, are there? 

I'll know when I find you

 I don't know what I have been searching for all these years, but I know that when I find you I will know.

We held on as much as we could, moreover, we held on and let go at the same time too much. 

I still miss you every day and every night, but I know I couldn't have made you my own personal Orpheus for all my life as I needed. I'm already grateful for having had you, though I made it a hell of a disaster I know it was a beautiful miracle in a few moments.

No one will ever know how much love and hate we produced all together. No one will remember too in time. But me. It will always be the most significant and elusive things that happened. 

 Considering the end of all things, everything is overrated. 

 When you left me, I felt a sense of achievement and then immediately a sense of despair and shattered heart. The irony of it all: not standing to see you without having you and making you loathe me and stronger than anything to face everyone and never let anyone bother you anymore, and being honest with yourself. Yes, what a joke it was for me, like I knew it was going to be since almost the beginning. And no one will ever know why I did it and that it all started because of your best friends who made me help you and pity your situation and admire you also. I am so very proud of you. 

Deeply hidden

 If you pay close attention to nature or anything around you, you can have the awe of finding something deeply hidden. 

 It could seem funny that no one really deserved me and they all knew it, if it wasn't just sad. 

 Deep inside, everyone knows they're just a big piece of shit. 

 If we both changed and if we are still the same in our feelings way deep inside still loving each other, would we still recognise that? 

 I'm broken, I'm emptied, I'm shattered, I don't have anything.

Something in your eyes...

 ... that sometimes tells me that you're still mine and will always be.

Just bring me yourself

  You don't have to bring light, for I am light; you don't have to bring love, for I am love. So when you come, just bring yourself and you will be bringing me back. 

Artist

 I never aim to make art. I make it because I get in that state in which it becomes inevitable. 

 Am I the one who wants to break it all, or fix it all? Or something in between, or sometimes one and sometimes the other?