Steal me.
Melt my gold centre.
I enter through your dreams,
where you're weak,
and where I'm clean of inhibitions.
I'm killing this body, this prison of flesh,
this heart and this head that you loved-- put to rest,
but I'll see you in sleep,
where I'm perfect.
I've put myself on fire for you
You blew me away
Blown off far away
And I died
Because you killed me
For you
Unimportant and disposable
Just like trash can from homeless
Burning away
It's like I'm broken here on my chest where a crater lies, because we're not in each other's arms. If only you could feel the true deep connection that is in every cell of me. But we didn't even believe in destiny.
He despises me, doesn't care about me, and it's all mainly because of everything I did. If he only knew that all of the best was precisely given to him by what I did.
Were you her little boy that whole time you were with me? Why did you tell me I was the woman of your life while being with another person in bed? Is it all I'm worth for? Two times now, two people, the ones I loved the most all those years, basically told and did the same. Am I to blame? Yet a third one I never believed that could love me like I am, old and grey, dying, and so it is.
All that is left is for me to die of this Addison Disease, unloved.
Lately I have been asking the heavens for you to tell me that you love me... and I guess you kind of did, but not exactly to me.
Anyway, you already know I have and will always love you and be there for you taking care as I can.
Love of my life, no matter.
I've never been in love before
#canteatwhatiwant #cantlovewhoiwant #cantsleepwhenineed #donthaveahome #donthaveawc #donthavelove #donthavefamily #donthavesupport #donthaveanything #donthavefriends #donthaveanyone #onlypainandviolence #iwishineverbeenborn #thousandtrauma
All my life I have been suffering from violence of a despotic person that I couldn't ever have the means to get myself rid of.
Among all the aches, illnesses and all that it has caused me there is always this ever returning feeling of wanting to die because of it.
Many times I thought I couldn't hang in anymore. All the racism, homophobia, amid the domestic violence, has made me feel that want so desperate, to cut my wrists or blow my brains with a shot, though I wouldn't do it for the lack of courage. So each time a maniac politician prone to genocide is in power you can imagine what it feels like for me. All my life I hated dictators. It only made me slowly rot, because they are always there and striving. And I hate them.
... and when I'm getting better, not hating myself for everything and defending myself from everything, I will feel more worthy of love, believe and value the love you give me and love you back without any need, that is if meanwhile you saw it all through me, understood it, still love me and don't give up on me being sane and healed to finally accept your embrace without breaking myself.
Let it slide overhead
Why did you forsaken me so easily?
Torn apart, shredded mind and broken body,
I have no more heart and my soul is fucked,
I am the man that lost everything a long time ago
And still had to wander the Earth as an empty shell.
I wouldn't be able to tell you how much I love you and I think you are the only one who has that from me, the impossible, the unattainable, the unreachable, it's just a bloody Solaris nebula spreading through everything there ever was.
And it's that scary in daily coincidences too, even for a rational person like me. I'm tired and pretty willing to give up on everything and everyone, but it's this f*cking force that doesn't let me rest for freaking minute and sometimes I even hate it, because all I wanted was peace and you people existing and everything that happened wasn't in my plans whatsoever and I try do deal with it the best I can, but I always feel sometimes this waves of sadness, nervousness or even profound ache, sometimes, from you guys.
Anyway, I'm really trying to fight it everyday and I'm determined. So I will eventually make it, also because you all don't give a f*ck about me, which is good like that for you not to suffer anything from me :)
Believe you me: I wanted you to be the one who would love me above all things and feel this overwhelming feeling, for you to be my true hero who would make me miraculously heal just with your love and that we would be together and never part, as it should be. I'm so sorry I made you doubt me and reduce your feelings to almost nothing of good.
... I'm just glad for you that I loved more than life and that we're apart, because it's made for you not to suffer as you would if you still liked me very much. But on the other hand I'm just angry I had no good chance in this life of having good conditions to even see what I would choose if I was given the opportunity to do it.
I have loved you so fucking much. I am sorry I wasn't the one for you and you weren't the one I thought you were. I am sorry that no one was. It is true, life does suck, it sucked me dry, and then you die.
We held each other today...
But it was just a dream
That made me hope
You would be better today
Now I miss you even more.
If you do not love me anymore, you should tell me, though hearing the words is the most painful thing in the world and last time (and only time) I heard them I also heard my heart break.
You have no idea of how much I love you, otherwise you would probably start existing. I don't know if I should tell you.
Life is hard and then you die, but I tried to enjoy the ride, though I couldn't because I did not even get some change to put in the slot...
Today I got audio messages asking me "sorry", a girl who was a bit harsh on me for no reason really, not understanding my illness condition. It got me thinking if you needed me to say sorry vocally. Or would it be a nuisance, since I know it's not something that is to be apologized.
When it comes to you I believe it is nice to leave you be at peace, as you want. But I wish I knew for sure. I would do anything to see you with no hurt, especially because of me.
What am I to do without the people I loved the most?
No joy or happiness can come now, no sparkle of life, no flame in my wounded heart and my ragged soul.
When you lost the person that you love the most on your own account and feel depressed and guilty and unworthy for so long, either you stay still like a couch potato or you try to distract yourself, but both things don't make it feel any better. Deep inside there's this massive ache and will to die just because you got no hope. No hope for love, for health and the end of the pandemic or whatever will work to improve in anything your life that isn't going to be worse or go wrong.
To be truly loved by you, what a magnificent honour and privilege it would be.
I miss you so f*cking much, what about you?
We can't blame ourselves, just let us forget what happened and carry on well, because the love between exists and it can be there still and quiet, dear and nice, just to tap into when we need our comforting that we used to give each other. I do love you, I hope one day the hurt goes all away from you and the love remains.
You made me realize so many things about myself. You made me suffer too. You destroyed me after building me up. Broke my heart after filling it. You don't even bother to ever apologize for all you did to me. And the truth is I never imagined you would. You have no conscience. I always knew that, it was just an acquired fact.
So there is something, just like all the strength of the emotion we once felt together, but what am I to do with it, specially under my circumstances and you not feeling it as me? Just let time pass and believe? If I knew what I saw was true, I would wait 20 years, yes, but I don't have much health now, actually fading away and your lack of care for me just makes it all worse.
My dear beloved crazy boy,
I'm remembering again that nothing is meant to, at least no good thing, it's just as I always thought, you can do stuff for your own self, not counting on things to happen or even waiting, it's all chance; just take it for all these years you suspended everything and really nothing of much happened without being the one or two things you were doing.
That whole "stay very still" so nothing of troubles come all the time; of course, with so many variables now, there is a lot happening all around though.
But not exactly for you, if you keep really still, you may find your ostracism track again.
Can you never let me go, even if it's just like this? I promise I won't really say anything anymore. Just want to see my soul-brothers happy.
I thank for having had two soul-brothers in this life, though I lost their will to be closer because I meddled too much in order to make them stay better to themselves and also with the ladies.
And yeah, in this case it wasn't funny at all as history repeats itself.
I know you like the real things and the real touches and the real details, but who says what is really felt by real if not ourselves. When a dream is so vivid that you can feel the touch, didn't you feel it like real? When you close your eyes and imagine us floating together on the Dead Sea, leaning our head on each other's shoulders, isn't it the most real thing in that moment? Can't you see it? Can't you feel it? Without having to touch it even. It's so much that it becomes palpable, a solid thing, a whole monument, just is.
I know, you said it before, I imagine too much, I wander in things that aren't real.
Is this our life now? Is this what we are doomed to be? Dragging in this world this secret sorrow, while trying to pretend and hoping and believing that we'll forget and it will pass... And even if we have what we're missing, who would say that we're really the only ones as acknowledged at points?
How does one link to another so hard like it was if there's no soul? It's just the mind playing it's tricks, you'd say. You don't even believe in soul.
I wish you'd really exist, it's a pity that you don't.
Go ahead, my love, be the brightest star in the sky. I'll be looking at you up there shining so bright <3
The thing about being the strongest mother fucker ever is that no one really knows you.
Yeah, I know it's been a long time now and I should have let you go right before you told me not to, but now I can no longer conceive my world without you, so you can already imagine how hard it is to not be with you near glued on basically.
I never belonged anywhere. You do, it seems, belong to some places and people, in fact many. Maybe you lied too about that to me. Who knows?
Is it my awful love, like you say, dragging you or is it that you feel it too, this indeed murky and seemingly pointless feeling, but so immense like a deluge?
Who is there for me? No one. Ever. And I turned out pretty weird lol What do you think?
There's no end for this confusion of complexities.
So it turns out it's not a matter of having a reason to live but instead trying to get to the deep consciousness to see if one can find out what is their mission in life. It might be a really simple mission, like having to press one button everyday, but it's the one thing that you are meant to be doing in the "great design of things".
I was thinking that being useful - in quantities that don't surpass my well-being - is one of the things I like for feeling that it's not all going to waste and that dying isn't stopping me from doing all the things totally. But that is not my mission, I thought before that it could be that the things I write could help others feel less alone in this world, knowing that there's someone who is a bit like them. I wish that was true, like once when I had a reader on my blog, João was his name, and he used to say how much my writing meant for him.
I guess making a difference in someone's life (like it has happened all my life doing it for others somehow) is something I also like when it happens. Just have sort out in between the things related to self-esteem issues and ego too.
The mission, more concrete and pressing, is to keep on going, stay alive, do the things that are needed like the book and try to realize for good what is The Mission.
Some things you have to deserve them (like trust, etc.) and some you don't (like love).
Did you get inspired inspired to be open and stronger just because I showed you how I am? If you pay attention to people you will find many worlds to explore and see so much that you can take as an example.
I want to keep being myself and hope that it will be a good thing.
Remember when you made sure you had nothing to lose and isolated yourself so that no one could be hurt by your departure? Those were days you knew for sure that it was easier to die. Now that you committed the error of meeting people, even if it's only "virtually", life has become confusing again and pain got a new dimension added.
I just hate it all. Life was never simple as much as I tried to make it, it was only troubles all the time.
I do see him in my mind everyday, whenever I close my eyes there he is with his tenderness.
He lives with someone else and still wanted to come here to have dinner with me. Never apologized for what he did, all the awful things he said and just acts like nothing happened. If I say something, he totally gaslights me surely.
I'm just tired of dealing with people in general and 4 guys in particular that I just quit on trying to talk with.
I stopped believing when I had my heart broken by my first big love at 17.
Now more than 20 years passed and I got myself asking what the heck was going on, even if there was a karmic connection between someone else and me, like if my ancestors expelled his ancestors out of the country or what, such was the baffling and strength of the whole thing.
Sometimes I'm afraid it won't pass and that there is indeed that thing they said about twin-flames.
I was just now watching "a little something for your birthday" with Sharon Stone and I got myself crying on one of the last scenes where they say that they changed their mind about wedding and that whole "there's only one person that you'll truly love", because I started to say to myself "it will pass", "it's craziness", "it's impossible", "nothing to do with it"; but then I remembered that they too in the movie took some years to finally admit it and get it.
But in my case it's not true, because I am likely to die this year or so. Still, you guys, if you truly think/feel you find your soul mate and can't live without them you should be with them, even if it breaks your heart further on. I guess.
The basic fact is that you're fucking someone else. Yeah, that's the fucking truth. I shouldn't even be sad about it, because it's the woman of your life and I was never the one to be. If I knew who you were truly I would have never been with you.
I wasn't made to live
It all seems so in vain
Same old routines
Same old things
I wanted to give you love
The greatest love everyday
Take away the pain
No one has any idea about my real state and though I have started to disclose some aspects like the high probability of my demise being this year, no one knows anything about the real extent of the damage and what I have been through these last years.
I never met anyone truly caring and strong enough to deal with what implies being in contact with me. I thought he was a brave and strong person, but soon enough realized that he was not, he was even quite a weak and coward one that simply avoided reality and as I didn't want to be a drag I just stayed in a relationship for so many years being completely all by myself physically when I was more sick and needing care. And even so, with the distance and all, it seemed a marriage at the same being in contact everyday although only being together few days a month. And I was thankful that it was like that, even, because I could never impose my presence for too long or be in a place too long, or seeing someone feeling sad for me. All goes back to my whole life of being treated like a nuisance with all the illnesses by my family.
I wish I could have loved people that wanted to be with me for real in their homes and lives., that really cared for me when I was down. Let someone truly take care of me for a change, I never knew how to let that happen, always told them it was okay for them to go out or whatever, and leave me when I was sick, there was never one person I asked to stay.
I guess that know that I am more aware of everything and more mature, knowing what I need truly, maybe I could've changed my defensive idiotic behaviour. But now it's all too late, though it's good to have clarity about stuff that happened all my life.
Trusting someone is always risky anyway. I could never count with anyone so it's only natural that I don't trust anyone.
Unfortunately the gut feeling is always right and I have been ignoring it all my life and paying the price for it.
All the support and work we put in to help someone shows that we love them. Life is only worth it if you have love, so make it worth it.
And if no one falls in love completely and utterly for you it's okay, don't ever forget that.
Never have a boyfriend that is also your best friend, because when you lose your boyfriend and he gets a new girlfriend you'll lose your best friend too, even if you were together for years.
But now that I understand what is behind it and that I know what I need and what I do not want anymore, maybe I can accept it and turn it all around. I wish I could.
Now I need it also, to feel complete and well finally because I can speak up and say that I really do deserve more. You all were right. Thank you for abandoning me.
The fact that I can't really love truly someone nice, because my formation of what love feels like and is, when I was a kid, that was made through the extremes of violence of someone who is violent and the one who was the sufferer of that violence, I have to come to a mindset of resignation that I won't ever be in an amorous relationship with someone ever again.
Everyday that I wake up I wish I hadn't.
Can't eat, can't sleep, no house, no love, no nothing.
All the noise, the lack, the hell, only.
Finding reasons is impossible, so illusory, and hobbies are even getting harder to carry on.
Too many years like this. With no dreams that can be accomplished.
And only 24/7 pain all over.
I call for you but you are nowhere to be found
I can't tell if you're still there
And then I catch a glimpse of the moon
As I go by the window
While I was listening to oldies on the radio
And dicing some vegetables for a stir-fry
I recalled our conversations again
So few, but so precious, for me at least
Because now it's all I can remember of us
When you leave me alone I fall into a pit
Of darkness and emptiness
But then I remember that song again
And think to myself with aching chest
Filled with misery and woe:
We did our best nonetheless
But I was stupid to spoil it all
And you were careless to let it happen
I would surely go back now to that point
Yes, now I would, because I deserve to know
I deserve to see it enroll and not sacrifice myself
Not again at least, I've even asked a girl for you,
So that it would put an end to all the pain
But funny how sometimes it's fine
But sometimes it comes hurting all again
Exposing the utterly and undenying truth
That I've loved you for all this time.
(you were always on my mind - elvis ; today earlier radiofeels)
Do you think it's awful that I compiled a book of love poems when I really didn't love you the best I could have without making you suffer? Yeah, maybe you have accumulated wrath over that too.
I realized again how much I truly made you my joy, a lot of it most of times, and I really had hope at some moments that you and everyone I ended up loving so much would one day be having fun all together with me.
I guess all my life I waited for love to save me, my love for myself ended up the only thing that eventually will save me, they say. Still alive, aching, but still alive, now need to stop loving everyone and start loving myself only as you all say.
Have I mentioned that I hate you? I do. I have in some moments hated you with absolute wrath. Men that make me hate men in general. Yes, that's what you are.
The fact that you're all fucking irresponsible and deadly cowards does it.
You're with the love of your life, it's her, that older boring woman you chose to be with again, as you said. So don't think I was the one, the woman of your life, the one you loved the most. Because I'm not. I never was, you abandoned me, you totally abandoned me, and don't think you didn't, don't say anymore that you didn't, just because you're still sending me a message once in a while.
Do I even mean anything at all to you of good and important? How can you leave us suffering like this?
It's all a lie.
You really think she is a younger version of me? Don't you know passion blinds and lies.
Are we just the hormonal cocktail that bosses us around?
Can you even acknowledge that you're wasting our precious time that could be the only chance we've got before inexistence ?
I am so happy that he has made it, he got to where I wanted. If he knew that everything, every little thing (even when I told about some of my ex-boyfriends) I said and done was for him to get exactly to where he is now as a person and everything he got to have, he would probably still not thank me just out of pride LOL but I am really happy that he made it and that he can have a healthy love now. :)
"Once divided, nothing left to subtract..., some words once spoken can't be taken back"...
I'm gonna hang in just a little bit more, but then I'm done. I always knew this would be the end for me this year. That's what the 2(0)22 meant.
I wish I had had a better chance than what I had, but maybe it's really like I heard yesterday "there is no chance/luck, only karma".
No one will ever know for sure. That is funny a bit to think of now.
Yes, I know what you feel, that I should be the one waking up beside you and that's why it's hard to hear my voice now even if you love hearing it.
You'll spend your whole life with that feeling buried inside, that guilt, and you'll remember me from time to time, because there was no one like me to you and she is just too basic. But she is the one you chose ultimately, although you had no option. But then again, had you not really?
We tell ourselves things are exactly as they should be, just for us not to bother. Yes, I think I did it too. It's a nice life you chose for yourself, isn't? It's at least all I can hope for you: for you to be happy and truly feel accomplished with the life you chose.
Seen in perspective, some people get to have incredible lives. You had. You should be grateful. I didn't have and can't, but even so I'm so grateful when I think of the love I had and also that you gave to me.
Years go by and all that's left is these memories that sometimes come again to remind us how we used to be.
I wish I could meet you in my dreams, every night, at least. To live a life larger than life with you. To learn how to recover joy again as before. To feel everything. To fall in love with you, to see you and have that feeling that we already knew each other for a lifetime.
There will always be this sadness between us, this ache, because we will never be close.
For how long can we pretend we're not suffocating?
The air gets denser, my lungs shrink, my heart is too fast
I can't breath anymore when I acknowledge the truth
I see you going crazy all over again depressed
Trying to do what you must do
Me too, I try, sometimes I really do,
But it's not long before I fall into that absolute sadness
Of knowing we're not able to be close physically
And that it is all too much for me to even to think of it
I couldn't probably bear it, my body would collapse,
but I still imagine us, holding each other
and slowly pretend a dance just to be glued
I love you my darling being,
tears come to my eyes when I think of how much
And how I longed for our embrace
You're the girl with the lost soul that found mine
And you're the boy with the dark soul that is like mine.
You're trying too hard, but she can't love you. Not really, ever. We're little monsters, you and I. No one can truly love us, because no one can really know us.
The man I'm in love with exists only in my thoughts as an imagined perfect character, as the person who is utterly in love with me too and we get to swing slowly so warmly together in the most satisfying and best thing in the whole wide world that is us holding each other. Simple as that. And it's enough to numb the pain of deaths and dying.
Wouldn't it be nice?
But reality is much different.
It's too strong, the strongest thing, the connection, and it seems endless and unbreakable (even face the worst and the bad things), it's not physical, it's so much beyond. It is what it is, nothing can be done.
And as for the one who used to be my person and I his, just as he said this morning, it's just like "forever friends".
I gave you hope when you asked me
I gave you life when you were killing me
I gave you strife when you needed me to
I gave you scope when you begged me to
The vanilla skies that Autumn brings
Where a starling flock flies and sings
Their murmuration drawings dancing at the sky
High on sunshine
The score of an epic film
That's him by moonlight
And not a dream
He's everything and more that I adore
*alternative lyrics to Stella by Starlight <3
... I had a true love inside my heart, completely and utterly honest and complete,
but then I remember I had one and with the years everything changes and ends,
so it's just always a matter of time and therefore it's no use to break the heart again.
You don't speak to me
You don't see me
You don't listen to me
You don't say you miss me
You don't hear me
You don't do anything for me
You don't love me
Do you?
The night drinks from the sea,
she nurtures herself with his minerals,
it's their secret love affair in the dark,
only the stars and the moon witness
how they are eternally connected
and will continue to spawn life
into this world.
I will show you everyday that you are loved and it will hurt us sometimes more, sometimes less, and though I have a hope inside me that one day it won't hurt anymore, I will still love you nonetheless. I'm not trying to impress. It's just the ecstasy doing the talk. The pure ecstatic feeling that is Stella by Starlight and not a dream.
When life and yourself have equipped you with tools to be stronger and more resourceful than most people, you have the moral obligation to help others finding their own tools too, as you're inserted in the same human society.
What happens in me when I hear you
Your voice going deep inside
Like thunder or just embracing me
Like bathing with small raindrops
While floating on the calm ocean
What happens in me when I see you
Your looks so tender and mild
Once suffering but now not at all
And not mine
I grieve slowly and increasingly
What happens in me when you're gone
Your absence dives me in a pit of sadness
My heart skips a beat and malfunctions
The depressed air fills my lungs deeply
And there's no way out of this woe.
Your blue eyes still haunt me
Or is it when they turned into green?
I miss how I would make you laugh
and how I would laugh only a bit
of your stupid unacceptable jokes
I like it when you're kind
When you're attentive
When you show you're vulnerable
But also when you're brave
When you're courageous
When you are sensible.
That's the part of the man you are
That's the man I love.
I'm a faithless man with my faith deposited in you.
My only devotion, my creed and belief.
It's because of you that I believe in breathing,
in the good things, in the signs of beauty and life,
because what's there in you deep inside
is pure and fiery
my everything
my absolute
my wholeness.
If you care at all, please don't let too much time go by, because then there's no way of coming back. I know that. You know it too. Would you really like that to happen, for us to be without each other, but only in thought sometimes, or you even so rarely, who knows? I don't. I'm not sure of anything, because you never tell me anything for real, do you? and what you show is only despise and wrath and anger, it seems you can't really take the time to handle.
There's nothing I can do. I cannot tell you anything else. I've told so much, many times trying to convince us, I guess. Because it's all too much of a mess and confusion. Nothing really is and it is everything. All I seem to try to say seems like a lie, forcing myself and yourself and I don't even know why all this so much.
If I stop you stop, I know. Is it how it is to be?
Just like before what I did to me?
Alright. If you don't give me anything, any sign, I'll follow your oblivion towards me. I am, after all, your slave, am I not? LOL I still find it all particularly funny and crazy. Yeah, yeah, I know you hate that.
The man with the kindest eyes, so deep inside, always so bright and every other being was drawn to his love. That was the man of your dreams. So many dreams, all fantasies of love and kindness and peace. The last man you had was a kind of Greek god on Earth and like all gods he had that one defect of being capricious. One should not fall in love with gods for they're just as human and mortal as everyone else.
Remember that you asked for someone polite, educated, curious, dedicated, faithful, bright, and so many other qualities. But since then you've discovered that there is no balance in a man, even when he is so complex and seems complete.
Plus, no one knows what true love is (except for what I found after years of study and observation) and people are just too bound to everything that it isn't: ambition, pleasure, possessiveness, desire, lust, passion, envy, jealousy, etc.
*movie with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman
"Just because you are talented doesn't mean you get to be a son of a bitch" - Nuno Markl
What is wrong with me again?
Why can't I feel anything?
I don't know why it's happening
all over again
but maybe it's a bit different
because I don't feel bad
So maybe I'm just fed up
of feeling and hurting for others
and then this happened inside
the complete absence.
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